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Getting Caught in the Middle of Two Arguing Friends

2/27/2018

1 Comment

 
Dear Papabear,

I hate to be a pest, but I got another issue here I need advice about. I'll try and keep this as short as possible.

Essentially, I have two friends in the fandom. When I went to my first convention in 2017, they were best friends with one another, practically inseparable. Then later that year, after a bad experience at another convention, and increasing tensions between one friend and the others partner, they now hate each other. That was some 7 months ago, and they're still not on good terms.

I wasn't there to witness what happened for myself and only got info through IM, so I refuse to judge either party and rather keep both as friends. Granted, one of them I only became friends with because the other one was their friend once upon a time, so we were never that close to begin with. Even so, he's never done any harm to me, and nor has my closer friend for that matter.

Well this year, I'm going to be attending the same convention I went to last year, and as I think you can probably guess, both of them are going to be there. They pretty much refuse to talk to one another, but I have spoken to both of them about each other and begged them to not get into any confrontations. The one not as close to me insists he won't, but the other gave me answers that I honestly didn't find to be that clear. As best as I can figure, his answer is essentially "it depends".

For one thing, if they do fight, I may end up feeling forced into choosing one over the other, which I seriously don't want to do (albeit I think it's fairly obvious the one closer to me would be the one most likely to stick). I was in a similar situation once before nearly a decade ago. I was friends with A, then friends with B, then A and B were friends, then A and B fell out, then I was only friends with B, and before I knew it, I was friends with nobody. I might as well have been friends with zero. It's hard enough for me to make friends to begin with; I don't know how many more I can lose!

The other thing is that this I don't attend multiple conventions a year. I'm crossing an ocean to see these guys, among other furs, and have used much of my hard-earned savings to do so. I do not want my one convention of the year to be ruined with them two having an altercation. Good grief, last time, one of them gave me their soda to look after for a short time, and once I'd lost it, I moped for the rest of the day about it. He told me to stop worrying about it because, as he said "it's just a soda", but it was fruitless. I still worried, like I always do.

What can I do to be sure that they don't end up fighting one another? Not just for my sakes, but for the both of them, too. I don't care who "started it" and I'd rather things be the way they were before, but the chances of them being able to "kiss and make up" are slim to nil.

Honestly, I feel like I'm starring in a really bad melodrama!

Cheers,
Anonymous

* * *


Hi, Furiend,

Furry drama—or drama of any sort involving anyone—is usually cheap, petty, and involves misunderstandings. Let's start with misunderstanding. Currently, you are operating in the dark. You don't know what started their argument at all. So, if I were you, I would ask each of them what happened first.  After hearing their stories, it will likely be a lot easier for you to, if needs be, pick a side. I mean, it could be that one of these guys is being a total douchebag and it will be easy to pick.  On the other hand, it could be the result of a total misunderstanding or a completely minor situation blown out of proportion.  If one of these lesser offenses is the case, you could very well act as an intermediary and show them the error of their ways, which might, in turn, result in a reconciliation. But you can't do any of that unless you know the facts so get those first.

With luck, things will turn out all right. But there is also the chance that one or both of them is being a drama queen and will refuse to recant or relent. In that case, you can try just being a friend on an individual basis. If they try to make you pick sides, just tell them you prefer to remain neutral as their argument is between them. If that still doesn't satisfy them, then either pick the person you feel is the most likable or back away from both people; your choice. Just don't allow them to manipulate you into a fight that is not your battle.

Hugs,
Papabear

P.S. Don't sweat the small stuff like losing a soda. No biggie.
1 Comment
Troj
2/28/2018 02:03:38 pm

This is a nasty (but common) dilemma!

My first thought is that this may be your cue to branch out and try to make more friends in the fandom. You don't have to abandon either or both of these friends, but if you feel like they're your "only" friends, you may be more inclined to let them cross your boundaries or otherwise behave in ways that make you uncomfortable or unsafe because you're scared of being abandoned.

My second thought is that you need to be very clear in your own mind about your own boundaries, needs, and wants here, and plot your course through different potential outcomes. Are you prepared to act as a mediator? How do you feel about getting caught in a tug-of-war? How you feel about one or both friends demanding that you choose sides "or else? How do you feel about one or both friends triangulating you, and basically using you as a sounding board for complaining about the other?

Once you identify the outcomes you're not comfortable with, you'll have to set some boundaries, and then protect them. When a friend crosses your boundary, politely warn them, and state what you're going to do and/or how you're going to feel if that boundary isn't respected.

"Foxy, it makes me uncomfortable when you complain about Wolfy, because the fighting bothers me. Let's talk about something else, please."

"Wolfy, I don't feel comfortable mediating the fight between you and Foxy. You should probably find someone else to do that."

"Foxy, when you said I had to choose between you and Wolfy, it hurt my feelings, because I like you both, and don't want to lose either of you as a friend."

You may need to end conversations and/or quietly distance yourself from either or both if they continue to attack, corner, or triangulate you, or continue to cross your boundaries. This is sad, but sometimes, it's what's needs to happen so that you can protect yourself physically and mentally.

Best case scenario, if the fighting gets ugly, and you distance yourself *and* make it clear that it's because you're freaked out by the fighting, this *may* provide your friends with an incentive to work it out.

If the fighting gets so ugly that you have to distance yourself, it's important to remember that there are lots of fish in the sea, and that these will hardly be the only two friends you'll ever be able to make in the fandom. So, don't be afraid to prioritize your own safety, sanity, and well-being here, while still treating your friends with basic decency and respect, too.

Good luck!

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