Gay Bear Gives Advice on Dating Women

Dear Papa,

I seem to be having some trouble with the ladies. I can't figure out whether its because they don't like how I look or I need better chat up lines. Any advice?

Yours Sincerely, 
Kärlek Åkerstedt

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Dear Kärlek,

This is interesting. You do realize you’re asking a gay bear for advice on dating women? LOL, sorry, I just have to chuckle a little bit. I don’t mean to tease, and yours is a serious question. Fortunately, Papabear is not inexperienced in such matters, since he dated women in high school and college and was married for 21 years. Women do still puzzle me, but I feel I have a certain grasp of the situation—enough to help you out, I believe.

First of all, no one strategy is going to work on all women. So giving you tips on pick-up lines or how to groom and dress yourself is not going to work on most women. Maybe on a few, but not most, and not women of quality; they are individuals, after all. Secondly, give women some credit: 99% of them are not so shallow that they will be impressed by your hair, your jeans, or what kind of car you drive.

So, what ARE women looking for? And what are men looking for, for that matter? Papabear subscribes to the biological view of dating: that is, both sexes are, no matter how much they might deny it, guided by their hormones and millennia of genetic evolution to do one thing: procreate. But the sexes work differently: men are programmed to fertilize as many women as possible, spreading their genes in a battle of survival of the fittest; women, however, can only carry one or two children at a time, and, therefore, are just seeking one highly qualified mate. Although social convention and antiquated ideas of chivalry pressure men to be monogamous, they are, at heart, polygamous, while women are—broadly generalized—monogamous by nature. (Papabear maintains that a monogamous man is far more remarkable than a monogamous woman). Or, as my mate more humorously puts it, “Women need a reason, men just need a place.”

So, backtracking a bit, what women are seeking is a guy who will be a good provider, a good father, and an all-around good man. In addition, they are, subconsciously, looking for what you might call a “healthy specimen.” A recent study (http://www.debralieberman.com/downloads/pubs/2010_EHB.pdf) showed that, when it comes to appearance alone, women seek out facial traits that are symmetrical and masculinized, features that subliminally indicate to them that these men are in good, robust health. But there is a careful balance here, because traits signaling high testosterone levels are also risk factors for men who are more likely to cheat and be less attentive to children. Hence, we have a scientific study here of why a lot of women like masculine “bad boys,” but others are looking for a man “who can make me laugh.” Men, on the other paw, are also seeking certain features, such as wide hips and large breasts, both of which indicate a female who can successfully give birth to and feed the child whom he has sired.

A lot of the above has been applicable since the days of the cavemen, of course. Suitability for fatherhood and partnership these days are also measured in things such as a good education, good career, and financial stability—the modern equivalent of being the caveman who can kill a mammoth that feeds the entire family for a year.

Essentially, Kärlek, what you need to do to become more attractive to women (in terms of things you can personally change about yourself) is not to use superficial strategies such as lame pick-up lines, but, rather, to make yourself a better candidate because you are a better man. Don’t be a Howard Wolowitz (reference to “The Big Bang Theory”), trying to pick up multiple women with magic tricks and brightly colored clothes. Be sincere, like Leonard Hofstadter, who, though he struggles to get the pretty Penny for years, eventually will win her over because why? Because he’s the genuine article: someone who will work hard, be faithful to his wife, and a good father. If you can’t look that far ahead, you won’t be finding a quality girlfriend any time soon.

To have better luck with “the ladies,” don’t be a phony. Be well-groomed, friendly, and take a genuine interest in the woman you like.

Good luck on the dating scene!

Papabear