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Furry's Classmates Mock Him, and His Girlfriend Turned Her Back on Him

8/13/2016

Dear Papabear,

So I've been attending a new animation and art college and It's been going great. Sort of. I got into furries when I was 14 years old and I love it to this day. But it seems people at my university have a problem with furries. So a few days ago we were told to do a project. A simple animation texture on water and hair, I asked my professor on if I could draw FUR. As I was planning to draw an anthropomorphic ANIMAL. As I'm not often able to speak to him personally, I was basically forced to only be able to ask him in-front of everyone. So, After I asked the question, a few people chuckled, I brushed it off. So as the professor I could assume wondered why, he asked me, and I told him I was drawing an anthropomorphic animal. No harm in that, correct? Wrong. There was about 4-5 people in the room hysterically laughing at what I'd asked. Again, I brush it off. So the professor didn't laugh, he knew what it was, but didn't think much of it. So he said yes. As I was working on my project on my digital tablet, a few students behind me happened to look at my screen. When they first heard "anthropomorphic" I imagine they didn't think quite of FURRIES. So when they saw the drawing/WIP of the animation, they asked me if I was a FURRY. I said yes; I now know that was a horrible choice. They laughed and laughed. I could hear them whispering about it and chuckling about it for the rest of the time of that class.

After that day, I had a couple people come up to me as I was walking to my dorm, yelping "yiff yiff! yiff yiff!" In my ear. It just bugs me a whole lot how they assume I enjoy that side of the fandom. I told them to stop. They laughed, and they did it again today, but more of them. Almost the whole school knows at this point. But that’s not all. I had a girlfriend by the name of Aleshia, she knew I was a furry, but she didn't really know what a furry WAS. So I can assume that those specific students, or maybe others, told her what the "public" knows as a furry: a monster that dresses up in animal costumes and has sex. And her, being a very gullible person, believed it. So she broke up with me today, and I'm devastated. I've tried for 3 hours today trying to talk to her and she won’t listen. How do you think I should get over this? Or, even better, prove to these people furries AREN'T bad people!

Aquil (age 17)

* * *

Dear Aquil,

Let’s be clear that there are a couple reasons for the mocking you received: 1) your fellow students’ ignorance of furries, and 2) because of the social dynamics in schools where cliques find a target person who is seen as weak and vulnerable to mock, tease, even beat up so that they can reinforce bonds with the “cool” people. These are not people who are interested in hearing arguments about the true nature of furries (no matter how correct or well-reasoned). They are only interested in finding someone to pick on so they feel better about themselves. For this reason, trying to educate them is pointless.
What you need to do, then, is deal with them as one must deal with any type of bully: ignore them. They only have fun and get off on their bullying when you give them a reaction. Even a simple “Stop doing that” is sufficient for them because they know that you don’t like their teasing, which is what they want.

So don’t react. Indeed, ignore them completely. As Nick Wilde said in Zootopia, remember to never let them know they have gotten to you because that’s what they want. The only time you should take a criticism to heart is when it comes from a person you respect and who is trying to help you. These people do not qualify in either category.

Also, keep in mind that laughter is an effective weapon. Instead of acting upset, laugh at them.

As for your girlfriend: I’m sorry what happened, but, seriously, do you want a girlfriend who believes some stupid social clique more than you? If she truly loved you, she would be supportive of you and listen to what you have to say in your defense. Instead, she turned her back on you and didn’t even give you that chance. You don’t need a girl like that. Keep looking. You’ll be better off.

Hugs,
Papabear

7 Comments

Iothisk link

8/13/2016 12:17:19 pm

I hope you don't mind that I copied some of my replies to a post on facebook on this topic over here. I also wrote a few extra thoughts, because I believe that this is a conversation very much worth having. :)

Or we could set an example of civility and goodwill by engaging in amiable discussion and other prosocial interactions rather than pursue a vicious cycle of mudslinging.

I believe that the desire to hurt others usually stems from a deeper hurt in the bully themselves, or perhaps some cultural dysfunction, rather than just psychopathy and/or sadism.

But any way you look at it, negative social interactions beget more of the same, feeding our own negative biases and making us believe that the world is crueler than it actually is and perpetuating the cycle. If we can agree on at least some of that, then isn't it worth a little effort to push a positive response instead?

I respectfully disagree on the point that "trying to educate them is pointless" because in most public exchanges there are not just bully and victim, but also silent witnesses why by being less engaged are more susceptible to respectful discourse and counter argument than the bullies may be in that moment. By being silent, you for sure teach nobody anything. By speaking up, you at least get heard with the possibility of others considering the alternate point of view.

At least one of my bullies later grew up to be a respectable and thoughtful woman who felt remorse for the way she treated me and wrote me a letter of apology years after the fact.

We don't live in an ideal world. But I think that in the light of history, we're far closer to ideal today than we've ever been, so I believe in an optimistic theory that things can get better.

At the same time, we need to fight for it. Progress isn't a guarantee that we'll keep getting better. People need to still speak up and be heard. It used to be that you couldn't be openly gay in a metropolitan city. Now you can, thanks to LGBTQ advocates. And furries can be their own advocates, too.

There are plenty of valid reasons to -not- ignore bullies. Most certainly they are looking to get a rise out of their victims, but notice how they do this: by asserting that there is something wrong with what one does or is.

Not responding to that will let their assertions live as the last authoritative word, and letting that go unchallenged is enough like an admission of wrongdoing that it could be mistaken for one. That's giving bullies permission to use an outdated social norm as a means of belittling another. No, I say to that. Stand up, stay calm, be civil, amiamble, reasonable, and don't back down when something harmless you do is touted as wrong in order to keep you down or shut you up. In a way, if you -don't- fight back they win by default.

You can't lift a bully up by sinking to their level. We set the example on the high road and they can either meet us there or stay where they are.

A thing I believe worth pointing out about the Nick Wilde example, is that his manner of dealing with bullies and hiding his pain led him to be a cynical -con artist.- And it took the intervention of an optimistic and honest Judy to not only bring that out of Nick, but turn it around, too!

Papabear

8/14/2016 03:19:55 pm

Hello, and thanks for your comments. The thing is this: you don't understand the purpose of bullying and seem to believe that the bully's problem is lack of education about what it is to, in this case, be a furry. The point of bullying goes much deeper than that. Here's a quote from a psychologist friend of mine:

The goal of bullying is to consolidate power by 1) transforming the group into a collection of loyal, unquestioning, and obedient subordinates, and 2) silencing or eradicating any real or potential challengers to the bully’s dominance.

What would someone need to do to achieve these goals?

• Aggressively court new recruits. Bullies use flattery and bribery to aggressively recruit new group members, offering them social rewards, or even financial ones, to become an ally. The promise of membership in an elite subgroup is often very tempting.
Importantly, group members are not allowed to be non-aligned; they are subtly (or not so subtly) coerced into choosing a side. For example, in gang-ridden neighborhoods,young boys are often not allowed to remain outside the gang. They must declare their allegiance as soon as they are old enough to participate in a gang.
• Cultivate out-group paranoia. Nothing cements in-group loyalty better than fear of hostile and dangerous outsiders. In a state of fear, group members bond more tightly together and feel more dependent upon a leader to keep them safe. This is
a common technique among political leaders who constantly trumpet the dangers
of various foreign forces.
• Practice splitting. Splitting involves the classification of all people into simple categories of good and bad. People who are loyal to the leader are good; those who differ or disagree are bad. This leaves no room for complexity or ambiguity and discourages independent opinions.
• Scapegoat non-conformists. Anyone who fails to comply with the bully is isolated, shamed, and shunned. In small social groups non-conformists are talked about and ridiculed, which can be very painful for the person scapegoated. In a dictatorship, dissenters are imprisoned or even executed. As a result, out of fear of becoming
scapegoated themselves, many group members quickly fall into line. Not only do they fail to oppose the cruel treatment of the person scapegoated, they may even participate in the aggression.
• Control and centralize information. Information is power and secrecy prevents the decentralization of power. People cannot question the leader if the leader holds all the information.
• Prevent independent alliances. Discourage and punish alliances between group members that might reduce the power of the leader. Bullies in small groups may try to turn members against each other to prevent independent alliances. Dictators outlaw independent organizations or religious groups.

When asked how does one then prevent bullying, my friend replied that the only solution is to create a society that is completely intolerant of bullying. This is a much bigger task to handle than one teenaged victim can do. Even society as a whole has failed to eliminate bullying. So, while I appreciate what you are saying, I don't think it is a practical solution.

8/14/2016 06:00:55 pm

Please, consider that I might in fact understand the motivations of bullying, and that even so, I still disagree with you and your psychologist friend on how to deal with it.

Not knowing more about furries -is- the bully's problem, but putting them aside for a moment, it is also the problem of -everyone else- in the room, for this given situation. The bullies are leveraging the larger group's ignorance of furries in order to assert that it's somehow wrong to be one.

Imagine for a moment being neither bully nor victim but instead an ignorant witness to this scene. You've never even heard of furries, let's say. The bully proceeds to frame their victim as a furry and implies that being such makes them immoral and worthy of mocking and scorn. The victim has many ways to respond to this, but let's consider just the ones we've discussed.

1: The victim remains silent, capably ignoring the bully and effectively refusing them the satisfaction of seeing the victim bothered. As a spectator, let's say you're at worst partial to the bully and at best totally impartial. That means that at worst, the victim's silence is an -affirmation- of the correctness of the bully's accusations and at best no counter argument has been presented to resist or overturn the bully's assertion.

2: The victim turns and engages with the bully in a fully retaliatory stance, hurling insults back. At worst, the victim has proven their degeneracy to the bully's allies by retaliating in the same crass manner as their attackers. At best, an impartial eye sees both parties as crass.

3. The victim turns and engages with the bully, but attempts to do so in the most friendly, informative, and unashamed manner they can muster. At worst, the victim has now aggravated and embarrassed their bullies publicly (worse than any mere insult could, imo) by proving that they can take the high ground and respond positively to negative accusations. At best, a totally impartial witness now sees that there is resistance and counter arguments to be considered.

Given that there are far more -witnesses- who might be persuaded present, it is always strategically preferable to use a disagreement as an opportunity to defend and present yourself in the best way possible. Scenario #3 is at least as possible and practical as scenario #1, but proactively injects potential positive outcome for the most people.

Consider the best aspects of any civil rights activism: the best activists are not only outspoken and eloquent but they literally cannot remain silent in the face of injustice, even to the point of pissing off all the wrong people.

Creating a society that is intolerant of bullying is indeed a much bigger task than one teenaged victim could ever handle, but thankfully they don't have to. They only have to handle their immediate environment. If every persecuted furry could do only that, then we could turn this stigma on it's head over time, same as black civil rights, same as LGBTQ rights. Curling up in a ball should be the last, not the first measure of defense.

8/15/2016 08:57:58 am

I think you're expecting too much of the bullying victim, hon. In #1 you ask the victim to be concerned about what bystanders think and to perform for their sakes. Really, that is the last thing on a victim's mind. Most victims do not have the chutzpah of a Martin Luther King of Mahatma Gandhi; asking them to take the role of "Defenders of the Cause" is too much, except for a few extraordinary people. #2 I will admit the "pig" insult was out of line, and I have deleted that one, but I still say humor (the replies are more humorous than insulting invective) is an effective tool, but I DO note one should only use it when one has to. #3, again, relies on the victim being eloquent and brave. That would be ideal, but the vast majority of victims are unable to muster such a defense, really. I still say that ignoring and not reacting to the bullies--showing indifference to them and thus not reinforcing their behavior--when coupled with reporting to the school--is the best that can be hoped for. We have to be realistic here. It is only in an idealized world that you can expect victims to eloquently defend themselves with words only. If everyone could do that, we would be in a world where everyone would be like Thomas Jefferson or Socrates. That just ain't gonna happen, and I have lived enough and seen enough to know that your idealism is unrealistic, though it is a beautiful thing to see.

8/15/2016 01:36:37 pm

Not everybody's going to be prepared for the situation of bullying, of course. But that's part of why we're writing, isn't it? To not only offer advice to those who have suffered, but maybe also to help anyone who might deal with this in the future be more prepared?

You don't have to be a Ghandi or King, you can be Regular Joe furry with just a little extra awareness and just a little extra preparedness and a little extra courage to be able to turn and engage and say confidently "Actually no, that's not what defines a furry. And I'd be glad to discuss it with you and provide you with the resources to learn more. Would you like that?"

We absolutely can and should hope for better from all of us. Victim, Bully, Furry, Non-furry, everyone can be just a little bit better and keep the world moving in the direction of education and tolerance.

You call my ideas unrealistic, but it's just turning and talking about who one is rather than ignoring and hiding it. Reaching out, even towards those who are unfriendly or disagree. That's it. If that's too hard for some folks, I empathize with that. I understand being shy and unsure of yourself.

But the unjust treatment of others for something harmless that they like or do must end. And it isn't going to happen by being passive about it and handing the responsibility to do something about it to someone else.

8/15/2016 03:41:08 pm

The point is, Iothisk, that bullies do not CARE what you think furries really are. Indeed, your being a furry is not the issue. What they want to do is find someone to ostracize, someone to pick on. If it is not for being furry, then it will be for something else. Therefore! It doesn't matter if you try to "educate" them about what a furry really is. Your arguments will fall on deaf ears because THEY DO NOT WISH TO BE EDUCATED THEY WISH TO BULLY!

Your ideas are noble, but I will reiterate: you miss the point of bullying.

Now, this does not mean by any means we should not try to make it clear to people what the fandom is about. In fact, I am writing a book about it! That's all well and good in many other cases where people are just genuinely ignorant and even scared of furries. But bullying is a completely different matter.

Okay, I've said all I can say on this. Thank you for your comments. They are completely valid, as is your opinion, and that is why I am happy to leave your comments on the page and they will not be deleted. Truly, I value your input, I just don't agree with it, personally. I'm sure others will.

Thanks for reading! :-) Stay Furry!

Papabear

A Sinner

8/25/2016 01:48:40 pm

This could've been avoided if this person just didnt say they were a furry.

Furry's Classmates Mock Him, and His Girlfriend Turned Her Back on Him

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