Um hello, this advice column thing is pretty new to me so I'm a bit nervous with it. But from reading the archives you seem to be a very wise and helpful bear so I wanted to at least try it. Do you ever have trouble letting go of bad experiences of the past?
You see, when I was seven years old I stayed at a cousin’s house for two nights. I was happy cause I got to play his Nintendo 64 (I'm a big video gamer even now). One day when I was playing he told me that I couldn't play it anymore even though I didn't do anything bad. I begged him to let me play and he said I could if I did something. He made me give him a blow job, making me suck him 10 times without touching his penis with my teeth, if I did I had to start over again.
He didn't ejaculate in my mouth or anything, but after that happened when it was time for bed he bound me to the bed tying my wrists and ankles to it with the bed sheets telling me to try and get out myself.
All these years I had blocked the memory from my mind, but now its back and I just can't get over it. When I think about it, it could have been the main reason why I'm bisexual today. I hate my cousin for what he did, I'd find him but I can't remember his face. But even more I hate myself, I was too gullible as a kid, doing whatever I had to to get what I want. I know I shouldn't blame myself but how can I not? Sometimes I just don't know what to do.
I really don't know if you can help me or not. But still, I would like to have someone to talk to about it. That's all I really want.
* * *
It took courage for you to write about this traumatic event in your childhood. Papabear hopes that he is not the first one you have talked to about this. I will state right from the beginning that the best thing for you to do is seek help from a professional counselor experienced in childhood sexual abuse. I will give you some information on that below.
First thing's first: DO NOT blame yourself for what happened to you. The blame lies SOLELY on your twisted, sick, manipulative, criminal cousin. DO NOT hate yourself for what happened. I cannot emphasize enough that THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!
Some time has clearly passed since you were raped. Blocking those memories is a common thing for victims to do, but now, as inevitably happens, those memories have come back to haunt you. You say you cannot confront your cousin because you don’t remember his face, but do you remember his name? There is no statute of limitations on rape in the United States (meaning that even if this happened decades ago, he can still be charged with rape). Papabear’s concern, among others, is that this cousin of yours has raped more people than you and he should be stopped. For this, you need to seek an attorney. Proving the crime at this point might be difficult, due to lack of evidence by this time, but, if you can recall his name, you can still talk to an attorney; find someone who does some pro bono (no charge) work in the field. To start, try contacting the Council for Child Abuse and Neglect: 500 Indiana Ave. NW, Room 4415, Washington, DC 20001, phone 202-879-1406, http://www.nccafv.org/.
But that is just one thing. Even more important than that, at the moment, is you and your well-being. There are many potential side effects to rape, including low self-esteem, drug and alcohol abuse, sleep and eating disorders, sexual dysfunction, and even suicide. This is serious, and, while there are some things you can do to help yourself (everything from taking care to stay healthy, meditating, and reading books), it is very important that you seek professional help as soon as possible.
An excellent place for you to start is the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network at www.rainn.org. The website is a treasure trove of information on everything from the criminal to the psychological aspects of rape. They also have information on how to find local counseling centers that can be of help. The website also includes information on their national telephone hotline.
Kageichi, what you experienced is one of the worst crimes possible short of murder. Thank you for reaching out to Papabear as a first step. Now, be brave, think of yourself, and take the next steps I have mentioned above. Papabear is here for you if you want to talk more, but you need to seek out the professionals, as well.
Be Well, God Bless, Blessed Be,
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.