Furry Thinks His Friend Is Being Rude ... But Perhaps It Is the Other Way Around

Hi there!

So, my mate and I live about an hour apart, and since she doesn't drive, she relies on a mutual friend of ours to bring her up to see me and our other friends on weekends. I'm disabled, and she is my primary caretaker, so these visits are extremely important to both my physical and mental health.

The thing is, the mutual friend who usually brings her up has started inviting himself into my dorm, even after we've told him no. 

And while he's there, he gives us attitude for not wanting/being able to go out, among other things.

The real issue I'm having is that I'm a babyfur (mate gives no f***s), and I keep all my cub stuff in a plastic crate in my closet/sewing room that has no door. I tell everyone who ever comes into my dorm that they're not allowed in that room, and yet my mate and I have had to chase him out of there several times because he was just poking around. Particularly while I'm asleep or in class.

It's also come to my attention that he can't keep secrets, and if he found out I was a cub, he would go and tell all our friends.

I don't want him in my dorm again. But I'm scared he either won't understand and blow it up out of proportions, or he'll stop bringing my mate up whatsoever.

Advice?

—Kota (age 19)

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Dear Kota,

On the surface of this situation, you are being held a hostage by this person because he has leverage, power, over you and your mate. The solution is to wrest that power from him so you can get out of this uncomfortable situation.

Start exploring your options. As Captain Kirk said, I don’t believe in no-win scenarios. Reprogram the Kobayashi Maru program if you need to. Some options:

• You are in need of medical care. It seems odd that your primary medical help would live an hour away, so I am assuming this is a matter of preference rather than necessity. Surely, too, if you are on a government program they can assign you a local care nurse.
• You don’t mention why your girlfriend doesn’t drive. You’re 19, so it’s possible she’s too young still, but if she is able to I would recommend she get her driver’s license ASAP; then, if she can't buy a car, perhaps she can borrow one. 
• If she can’t drive for some other reason, then it seems incredible that she can find no other person to drive her. No other friends or relatives?
• Depending on where you live, is public transportation available?

But that is just the first impression one gets from your letter. 

Something else occurs to the ol’ bear. You mention nothing about compensation for this mutual friend of yours who drives your girlfriend one hour, one way, to visit you. Do you pay him? Do you take him out to dinner as a thank you? Do you at least compensate him for gasoline? Or do you just expect him to drop off your girlfriend and then disappear for a few hours while the two of you have fun because he's your friend? If you look at it that way, you might see that it is you who is being the rude one.

A possible explanation for his apparent rudeness of coming into your dorm room and snooping in your closet is that he is bored out of his gourd. I’m guessing you two ignore him and he is left to twiddle his thumbs in a corner. As you said, he's not supposed to come into your dorm room, and when he asks the two of you if you want to all go out somewhere, you say no. What option does that give him?

I’m also guessing he has no friends near your dorm and has no one he can go visit on his own while you two socialize. I would think that if you and your girlfriend spent time with him, he would not be bored and would therefore have no reason to poke his nose into your things.

If I am wrong about this, then explore your alternatives as mentioned at the beginning of my response. But if I am right, the solution to your problem is to be more grateful to your friend for going out of his way to help both of you and to treat him as a friend in return.

Cheers,

Papabear

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[The follow-up: This is why it is so important for writers to this column to provide full information. You'll notice how, once given more details, Papabear's reply is totally different.]

Papabear,

To answer a few questions posed by this.

He is paid, both ways by both of us, and when he is here, he is allowed full access to my tv, computer, xbox, and playstation. My mate and him also have the options to go elsewhere for entertainment while I am at class (we usually do so when I'm around, and there usually isn't a lot of sitting around time)

My mate is unable to drive for anxiety reasons, and has been trying very hard in the past year to be able to drive on her own. Other friends do sometimes come and get her, but he's usually wanting to come to my town on weekends, so he usually brings her (it's a college town, he enjoys partying, and usually leaves us on our own anyways)

He does have friends here, which also makes little sense to me as to why he won't go see others, and insists on staying inside the dorm all day while my mate sleeps and I'm at class

The thing is, he does have options, but every time we've tried to talk to him, he gets extremely angry, and we just don't know what to do at this point.

Does that help in the analyzing of this at all, or perhaps bring new ideas? Because we're still at a loss.

Kota

* * *

Hi, Kota,

Yes, all that information does make a big difference. What I'm hearing is that both you and he have options and this isn't like an all-or-nothing situation in which if you lose him as a driver you will never see your girlfriend again or get medical care; also, you ARE compensating him and he DOES have options so he doesn't have to hang around your dorm room.

So, are you simply afraid of his anger? Why is HE angry when YOU are the one being offended by his snooping around in your stuff. If I were you, I would lay some ground rules, including no rummaging through your personal things and no hanging out in your dorm room while your mate is asleep and you are in class. That's just common courtesy, and if he can't adhere to those simple rules then he can't visit you in the dorm and you will find other people to drive your girlfriend.

I'm not sure why he is so offended, unless he has not been taught proper manners and courtesy by his parents or guardians. If that's the case, it is time he learned. Too bad you have to be the one to teach him to respect others, and if he can't then time to show him the door.

Good luck,

Papabear