To get straight to the point, how does one find inner balance?
Sorry, I like to get to the point of things but I'll give you some background to better understand the question.
Yes, I am a fur, in case you were wondering. I'm also a homosexual, a Christian, and part of the military as well. What I want to know is how can I find the Equilibrium I'm searching for. My 'fursona' in reality is not one, but two. Eruantien, the German Shepherd Hyena mix that is a sweet heart, everything my adoptive parents taught me to be, and a good deal of the better Christian part of me. The second fursona is Thel, the kangaroo dragon mix, whom is all the military has taught me to be, all that life has shaped, and the colder half of my heart.
This obviously isn't something that happens over a night of sleep, this happened over months and next thing I knew, my closest friends tell me after time of not being together that I'm the same as always, I haven't changed, but there's times when they see my 'Dark side' and are astonished I could be that way.
When I look at them as simple projections of myself, I see Thel as the shell, rough and tough, cold, calculating, practical, blunt and insensitive self protecting my heart, soft, emotional and usually too sweet for his own good, Eru.
My only issue is the switch between both, at times I'm too good that I'm a doormat, at others I'm told to be very cold and hostile that people fear me and don't want to know me. Honest to God, I really don't mind. I tend to be on the anti-social side and if I talk to you and let you in, it's rare and a moment the heavens opened to say Hallelujah.
Moving along, I'm trying to find a balance, but with the few labels I gave away and how people are very prejudiced and almost instantly label, stereotype, and assume things about you and your life, it's not all that hard to believe why I choose not to open up and share, why I love simply being cold and indifferent...
Sadly, this has been brought up to my attention by those that care about me. Just today I was given a little intervention by three of my closest loved ones, my adoptive parents and my high school chem teacher whom I keep in touch with after all these years. They feel that my apathy and reluctance to admit I'm gay, which I hate the word, I'm a damned homosexual, get it right, geez, the hostile attitude, the cold way I look at people and that it comes off as a superiority complex, which I don't have because I swear I don't think I'm better than anyone else, I just don't really socialize unless I HAVE to, and so on and so forth and lets add some blah blah blah to it there as stuffing.
Sorry, let me take a moment to actually chuckle, (snorts and laughs), I guess now what I'm trying to do is be aware of what they say, but I can't seem to find the in-between of my two halves?
Don't tell me I have MPD, I don't think I should add that to my list of labels.
Much love and appreciation,
happy new year's while I'm at it!
-Eru Thel Tecuani
* * *
Hi, Eru Thel Tecuani, and Happy New Year to you, too!
No, I will not tell you that you have Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD). I’m no expert, but based on what you said, I would not label you as such.
Furries having multiple fursonas is not at all uncommon. We adopt our fursonas for many reasons. One reason is that it allows us to express a side of our personality that we don’t really show in public. Or, it can serve as a way to enhance the qualities in ourselves that people do know about but don’t see very often.
As for your “dark side,” everyone has one. People are often startled to find that I have one as well. If you ever saw a pic of my human face, I look like kind of a geeky, pleasant, white bread guy, but I do have aspects about me that are not readily apparent. Similarly, like you, I have a very antisocial side. There are many times I would just like to be left alone and not have anyone disturb me, not even my mate. But I am not like that all the time. Two very important things in my life help me to achieve social balance: the furry community and my mate. They compel me to meet new people and become more open to others.
Your two fursonas are a way for you to deal with the two aspects of your personality. The only problem I’m seeing—and you see it, too—is that the colder, less sociable side of you is dominating over the sweet, gentler side. Part of this might be because of your military training and experience, and part could be about a lack of trust you have developed for other human beings. You don’t mention anything about your childhood or other experiences, but I would infer that some things may have happened to you in your life that have caused you to raise your shields and become defensive and protective of your emotions.
The only way you will achieve balance, then, is to regain some of that trust for other people that you have evidently lost in your life. That is something that can take a lot of time and a lot of work. It involves your reconnecting to those you love, such as your stepparents.
In a way, you have become addicted to being cold and distant. You have found that it works for you in that it prevents you from being hurt. The side effect of this strategy, though, is what you are feeling now: this lack of balance. You are, in fact, sacrificing that part of you that you know is loving and caring and that wants more out of life than what you are providing by building this tough exterior.
But there is another side of this, too. You mention that when you open up your gentler side you end up being a doormat. Hoo, boy! Have I been there, too! Your bad experiences with that probably also contribute to your tougher side’s domination of your personality in a kind of snowballing effect toward the “dark side” (i.e., I’m guessing you are Thel more often than you are Eru). I suspect that the doormat effect comes about because you do not have enough experience in opening up to people, and so you need practice in being a better judge of character. More practice will help you figure out who is more likely to take advantage of your kinder side and who won’t do that to you.
So, now you have a choice: you can continue what you are doing or you can try and change it. I feel you have a desire to change it, which is good. You will need to chip away at that outer shell and learn to let people in again. You don’t have to rush into that. Proceed slowly. Spend more time with people you like and trust and do things together with them. Start having more conversations with those you love, like family members, about what you are feeling inside.
Also, if you are not aware of them already, there are a number of Christian Furry and Military Furry groups out there on Facebook, Furry4Life, and other sites. You could probably get a lot of help by joining such groups and talking about the complexities of being gay, being a soldier, being a Christian, and being a furry all at the same time. Support from people who share your experiences is a great way to gain trust in others and friendships that can last a lifetime.
Back to your fursonas. Since fursonas are a good way to protect yourself while interacting with society, I would like to suggest you spend more and more time being Eru and less time being Thel. You might not realize this but Eru, being an alter ego to your human side, can be just as effective a protector as Thel. As a fursona, he is a buffer between you and human interaction, even when his outer shell is one of love and friendship rather than strength and stoicism.
I hope that makes sense. Write again if I wasn’t being clear enough and we can talk further.
I wish you luck and happiness and love,
Leave a Reply.
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.