Short time, eh?
The reason I write back so fast is that I need to express something with words before I get a chance to do it with actions.
(This will be garbled, but I hope you can make sense of it. Because I can't.)
Since I was 4 years old, I have been bullied and abused by almost everyone, kids, even the staff at my daycare when I was of that age, and I feel it has left a significant psychological scar inside me. It quite literally drives me mad.
Sometimes, this can lead to feelings of a suicidal nature. You see, I suffer from serious mood swings, ones that last for hours and hours at a time and are triggered by the smallest of problems. I'm talking getting told off by someone for a minor thing, like forgetting something I was supposed to bring home from school. They are simple things, things I should be able to do, but when I cant and I make a mistake, it feels like I've failed as a human being. When my mother does have a go at me for these things, which she had a right to, I have a fear of defending my corner, I feel that no matter what is wrong, there is no excuse and I should never have made a mistake. I'm just a useless fucking human. I don't know if I became bi-polar or something as a result of my earlier abuse but I think it had a good deal to do with it. At the lowest, I become self-destructive, fantasizing about the destruction of myself and others. I feel like I am useless and worthless, like I won't even contribute to society or be worth of the time and money people put into my existence. These feelings can be brought on by myself. I have found a long time ago I could drive myself into a weird form of madness, which I ceased to do again, however I know it is possible.
I also think there is another reason that contributes to this. I lost my faith in religion at a very young age after being shouted at by the vicar's assistant for daring to shake her hand during one of the ceremonies my church did (British church services are ruthlessly strict). It is for this reason that I don't want to seek Religion for help, I have the power of life and death in my hands (at least that of myself), where is the Bible going to work in that?
I do have something though which I can call a "religion". It goes by the idea of three idols of mine, hero's to those who don't wish to use biblical terms. It has "White Fang" from the Jack London novel as the kind of main... god... person, who attempts to use a combination of karma and fate to help, but I know he cant help everything. The second one of these is "Wile E Coyote" who I idolize for his resilience, something I dearly need regularly in life. The last of these is "Tech E Coyote". He has a more... sexual role, which I will not go into as it makes little difference.
Your thinking "That's just stupid!"
That's because it is. My mind is dumb enough to believe it, so I simply re-cycle it in my head and it retains some sanity. So when it comes to death and the afterlife, I go by the idea that when you die, you are allowed to be in a realm with your mind, like being put inside your subconscious, isolated from the rest of the world, me inside my tortured mind. What this means is, death is at the worst, an inconvenience. I love being alone, I am practically a lone wolf in nature (I've never felt loneliness as an emotion) and being locked in my mind where I don't have to worry about abuse or the knowledge that no matter how hard I try, I won't be able to get to a point in life where I am at peace.
I find that I don't fit in with society at all. I'm attracted to the wrong gender, I don't like the right things, I dress stupidly, I don't conform with what is modern and fashionable... the list goes on. Where the fuck am I supposed to find a fellow furry metal head who is gay and doesn't mind being in love with a guy who's lost his mind? And as for friends, I only have about three and I have to lie blatantly to them every day I live. And I know they will just let me die when I tell them who I really am. I don't have "true" friends. The only ones I have are furries and they are all out of the country.
When I write this, I feel stupid, like I am writing some foolish fantasy. But I know that in the heat of the moment, I'll believe it. It feels stupid as I have a decent chance of getting a good job in a garage, a job that will pay me well. But garages do not suit homosexual's like me at all, they are one of the most homophobic trades around, unless being in the Westboro Baptist Church is a profession...
I know that I should tell my family. But I know one of two things will happen. Either they will think its just standard depression and it'll fade off, stop scaring them, or that they will go apeshit and ask why I didn't tell them about it before. The problem with this is, I fear that I won't be able to produce enough evidence to support such a thing that they will believe. Also, its not like they can do anything about it. I'm fighting human nature, an unstoppable force. And I am no immovable object
What should I do? Is there anything I can do? Or is this just an imminent road to death?
Fred E Coyote (age 16)
* * *
Hello again. You’ve written to me now on several occasions, including about your sexual obsession with Tech E. Coyote, your struggles with homosexual feelings, and your problems with bullying and feeling useless. I had thought I had helped you somewhat, based on your testimonials saying you were over your Tech E obsession and so on. I’m sorry that is apparently not true.
As you know, I am not a trained therapist. Given all that you are going through, I really would suggest you seek out some professional counseling, if it is at all possible.
All that aside, I will try to offer some words of comfort to you.
What is core to your problem is that you are basing what is “right” and “wrong” on the opinions of those external to you: the people at church, at school, your peers, and so on. Because those people’s worldviews do not match your own, you believe you are insane or simply not right in the head. This idea is deeply imbedded in you because you have had these opinions and views forced down your throat since you were a toddler. That is the time when your brain is still being wired, so to speak, so now they are deeply ingrained in you and hard to shake.
You need to unlearn what you have learned. You need to realize that your ideas and beliefs have validity and just because a lot—or even a majority—of people may not believe as you do does not make you wrong. Remember, it used to be commonly believed that the Sun orbited the Earth, that illnesses were caused by demonic possession, and tomatoes were poisonous to eat, just to name a few things. People are often wrong.
Most people would disagree with the things I believe in, too. But I don’t care. I have come to my own conclusions on life and they are mine and they are what I believe and they guide me in life.
I would like to recommend someone to you: Don Miguel Ruiz. He has compiled and explained the belief systems of ancient peoples in books like The Four Agreements. Visit his website at http://www.miguelruiz.com/ (and, no, I don’t get a commission on sales :-P)
You would benefit greatly from reading his books and/or listening to his tapes. They are all about unlearning all the shit that society has filled your head with so that you can connect to yourself and the real world.
Hope this helps you more than my previous letters.
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