I've written you before but did not get an answer, so I'm writing again in hopes you can give me some advice.
I have been in a relationship with my BF for over a year now. I’m happy, but I find myself wanting to have sex with other guys who are physically more my type. I love my bf, but I’m sometimes not attracted to him the way I should be. I fell in love with his personality and his brain. I have told him this a little but not in so many words. I've said, "We can get healthy and lose weight together" in hopes that I will become more physically attracted to him. It is to the point now that I’m constantly looking at other guys who are physically my type and I get aroused from them and becoming less aroused with my actual bf. What should I do, Papabear?
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Sorry I misplaced or forgot your earlier letter. It does happen on occasion. Sometimes silly ol’ bear thinks he’s replied when he has not. A reminder to my readers: if you haven’t heard back from me after 2 weeks, send me a nudge. I’m not ignoring you; I sometimes just get behind or disorganized.
To the topic at paw: Well, this sucks indeed. So, you’re saying your mate is a bit on the hefty side and you are more attracted to leaner men. Was he heavy when you met him or did that come later? If so, you kinda knew what you were getting into, no? If he gained the weight later, I guess I can see how you were attracted to him at first and then got a little turned off if your preference is for lean guys. But, you say you “fell in love with his personality and brain,” which implies he was overweight to start with.
I commend you for picking a mate based on deeper traits than one based on avoirdupois, but sexual attraction is still a key part of any loving relationship. Physical intimacy brings partners closer together, and when it is absent you kind of lose that closeness. So, if you’re having a hard time feeling attracted to your partner, that’s an issue. (Another thing: you don’t mention whether your mate finds you attractive. I’m going to have to assume he does and that’s not the problem.)
Let’s be a little analytical and outline the options for you at this point:
One thing you should bear in mind in all of this is that physical attractiveness can be fleeting. Say, for example, you go with option 3. You find another guy whom you find to be very hot today, but tomorrow he could easily gain weight like your current partner and you’re back where you started. Also, 2 could happen, if your partner feels motivated, and you could be attracted to him again.
In all of this, I am in no way dismissing your feelings about overweight men and attractiveness. We are turned on by what turns us on. I want to assure you that I in no way consider you shallow because of what you say in your letter.
Next thing: does your mate know that you are having problems being attracted to him? If not, there will come a time, soon, where you will need to bite the bullet and say what you are really feeling. It could hurt him, yes, so you have to do it in a very sensitive way, assuring him that you love a lot of things about him and that you want him to be sexually satisfied and hope that he wants the same for you. When I have talked to partners who are in this situation, the ones where it works have sensitive men who are sympathetic to their husband’s needs. One fellow said to me, “You know, I just really like to cuddle and am not into sex so much, but my partner is and I want him to be happy.” This guy understands it’s not about love but rather about carnal urges we all have. American society makes it hard for us to discuss such things openly, burying us in guilt about religion and “socially acceptable” behavior. Papabear says to that, “I fart in your general direction.” Human beings are sexual creatures. There is no shame in being sexual, as long as you are considerate and loving toward others.
I can’t choose your path for you, Arkarian, but I can present you with the choices and tell you that you should not feel guilty for your genuine emotions and needs. Next step is to decide what you want for you and then talk to your partner.
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