Hi Papa Bear,
I'm Inu, I've seen the ad for 'Ask Papa Bear' lots of times but never had a chance to take a look, I suppose I could use a bit of advice, that is if your willing to offer some?
I Suppose my question would be.. I'm not sure if I should even keep looking for a mate, or anything worth getting close to.. Should I even bother attempting to stay in the field and find that special someone? I've had some pretty bad relationships in the past, the very first boyfriend I ever had I was a Freshman in High School, that is where I originally game out to being gay to everyone. because basically my BF at the time forced me to come out. Anyway we broke up mainly because he moved, but he had introduced me to someone else who was his ex. well we somewhat hit it off.. then about a year later I found out he wanted to have a "break" away from relationships and anything sexual, which was fine and dandy for me... but I found out a few days later he was dating someone else behind my back so I severed any ties I had left with him. Then I found someone online that I fell head over heals with. I've known him for a long time 7+ years since I first met him on Furcadia back when it was still somewhat new, it wasn't until that my 2nd bf broke up wit me that I asked him t be my mate, I figured an online relationship wouldn't hurt me as much if we broke up later on for some weird reason.
Well.. I was wrong it did hurt because I was Torn between him who at the time I was still with, and someone else I met IRL... Though back in the past we both made a promise to each other saying that if we found someone In real Life that we could date them considering it would be hard to meet up together since we both lived on separate sides of the US. Anyway well I broke up with him (lets call him Mike) for this guy I met IRL (lets call him James). Well... at first Mike took it well... then later on it took its toll on him.. to the point where he almost committed suicide... and I showed no remorse to him because at the time he was extremely rude towards me and James, which of course was understandable but it got to the point of Threatening and so I severed ties with my friend Mike of 7 year friendship because of this...
Well about a year later James and I Broke up because the sexual activities between up started to diminish, and he didn't like it. so he found another play buddy which I knew about and I was okay with it for a while to where it got to the point where he was bragging about everything they did together... Suffice to say.. he left me for this other guy and started doing his drugs and cutting himself again (I forgot to mention, before James and I started dating.. he was somewhat self destructive and I had stopped him by showing him love.) Well like I said once we broke up he started doing it again and well we stopped talking... I tried going back to mike, mainly for forgiveness due to the fact I had ignored him for over a year especially when he tried committing suicide.
while I was gone, he had found solace in someone else, which I understood as well and I was not trying to break them up.. I was happy he found someone. But this guy was controlling his life.. he always demanded Mike to not speak to me and if he did he would delete anything associated with me from his accounts (he had control of all of Mikes accounts even the game he and I played for years together..) and Mike told me that he would let him too. well I took it somewhat hard because.. well I guess I deserved it for treating him bad... but it didn't seem right... he was keeping me from my childhood friend who I met when I was 14
Anyway this is long and convoluted... and I'm sorry if I'm confusing you.... but this whole story brings me to the question... I've had bad relationships does to bad choices I've made.. and I admit it... but I've tried looking for someone else but its hard and I'm starting to give up. I feel like I should just wait and see if some cute fox falls into my lap or something..
I will also say that, I love cuddling and stuff but it gets to the point for me that if I have it all the time I get bored of it... and I get cranky... there's no excitement (and by excitement I'm also talking sexual stuff as well)in seeing the person I’m with when he’s there all the time does that make me a horrible person as well? I dunno... I just sometimes feel like I had a father figure IRL who would come up to me and hold me telling me everything is okay.. I no longer have family and I moved out of my house when I was 20 when my mom passed away.. I've been living with friends till I finally got my own place. I'm a survivor.. I'll get passed these road blocks.. but like I said... nothing beats loving family to hug and hold you telling you everything will be alright.... *sighs and cries a bit*
I'm sorry papa... all dominant male figures in my life seem to avoid me... so ill leave you alone and thanks for listening I suppose I've needed to get this off my chest for a while...
* * *
Catharsis can be a therapeutic thing. Sometimes we just need to get it all off our furry chests. I’ve received a number of letters from readers who just want to vent (they don’t tend to be posted on my website). Now that you have vented your frustrations, allow me a brief word of advice or two.
Reading over your letter a couple times does give me a headache, honestly. I’ve seen less drama in an episode of “Dallas.” So, okay, we have “Mike,” a guy who tries to kill himself and later gets into a relationship with a control freak, and then we have “James,” a drug addict who is into cutting himself. Neither one of these guys sounds very emotionally stable, to say the least. Not to mention the other guy who says he wants to take a break from relationships only to then get caught with another guy, making him an obvious liar; there’s also your first boyfriend who forces you to come out of the closet even though you might not have been ready for it at the time.
The problem isn’t that there aren’t guys out there in the world for you; the problem is you’re making some pretty bad judgments in character. This makes me wonder what your criteria are for finding a boyfriend. If they are purely physical in nature, then that would go a long way toward explaining why your boyfriends tend to be, well, less than ideal when it comes to personality.
You need to take a long look at why you pick the people you do to be your boyfriend. What is motivating you? Do you go out with the first guy who says “yes” to your overtures for partnership? If so, you should be more discriminating. Look for someone who shares your values; someone who doesn’t do drugs, who doesn’t lie and cheat, who has enough self-respect not to do himself harm, someone who actually cares about you, too, and wants to have an equal partnership where both parties benefit from and love each other.
Until now, you’ve been picking at the low-hanging fruit, the stuff that comes off in your paw when you tug at it but makes a mess. Get a ladder and make a little effort to find that perfectly ripened citrus at the top of the tree, glistening in the sunlight.
Don’t give up on dating. Instead, redouble your efforts to find someone worthy of the time it takes to create a great relationship.
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.