In my life, I have always been rather confused about myself. I identify as furry, I identify as otherkin, and know I don't feel human. Through my various identities, I have made a lot of friends who are also furry...Yet sometimes I feel like everyone knows who they are, and yet I do not.
I'm currently 23, biologically female, and have struggled with my identity since I was 15. When I was younger, I simply knew my identity isn't human... I still know that. Yet, no matter what I do, I keep "changing" my fursona, kintype, etc. My friends think I'm a shifter, yet I suspect there's something more psychological going on ... blocking me from myself. I knew myself better when I was younger.
Now I have no idea what my fursona, kintype, etc. is...
The things I do know are:
I mentally do think like an animal. I growl when angry, make a "crowr" sound, I whimper, I even mental shift. I chew affectionately, I'm possessive of food, so on. All these things come very naturally to me. Yet they sound quite generic, I am told.
I also know that I identify as, to an extent, a unicorn, but I feel as if there's something else there...As I have sometimes described it, I am a unicorn, I AM an animal, meaning that I'm a unicorn in soul, but otherwise I am something else entirely. (Aside from human, of course). I see that something else as being a mental state, and very ingrained. Sometimes I'm not sure which one is the more legitimate identity.
I've been going on and on with my search since I was 15, and people have doubted me a lot, and tell me quite frequently that I change all the time, why should they listen this time?
I just don't know what to do, I have no idea what feels like me anymore, or what I feel like....
I need some help with sorting through my confusion. Do you have any advice?
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The physical forms that we inhabit in this present life can be viewed of as if they were a shell or articles of clothing or, perhaps more apropos, fursuits. As you seem to realize, our real selves lie within these shells, and this real self is actually only a piece of a larger part which is the Spirit that informs all of Reality.
Most people in the world, for lack of a better phrase, “buy in” to the idea that they are their outer forms. This is about as logical as saying, "I am an Armani suit," or "I am a football uniform." So, a person who is born as, say, a white male is raised and comes to believe that this is what he truly is. But that is not really the case. A great non-furry example of this is people who struggle with gender identity, such as a male who believes with complete certainty that he is actually a female trapped inside a male form. The medical community is doing more and more to alleviate this conflict in such people through surgery and hormone therapy.
This disparity doesn’t necessarily apply to just gender, of course. Papabear, for example, believes that he has bear spirit within him. But this, again, is just one aspect of my personality. Many furries feel a connection to just one other type of animal, but it doesn’t always have to be so limited. Some furries feel connection to more than one type of animal, or even to creatures (such as unicorns) that are mythological on this planet (but who is to say there are not unicorns, dragons, or other fabulous creatures on other worlds or in other realities?)
Epona, you are one of those people who is apparently gifted with a more open spirit that can connect to multiple aspects of yourself. What you need to realize is that you are confusing form with spirit. Just as my spirit is not the same as my human or even my bear form, your spirit is not just a human, a unicorn, or some other type of creature. These are just shapes, outer appearances and behaviors.
So, what I recommend is that you stop being obsessed with finding out who you are in terms of species and instead find out who you are in terms of the spirit that has no outer form. I always recommend some form of meditation for this type of exploration, whatever works for you, as long as you take some time to try and focus on your spirit regardless of form. What are your qualities? Your feminine and/or masculine aspects, your intellectual aspects, your emotional aspects, and your spiritual aspects. Discover your spirit first. Once you do this, it will be like a person who is getting measurements made for a custom outfit. Once you know what your inner dimensions are, you can then figure out best what outer form fits you the best. But always remember, this is just an outer form and not as important as what is underneath.
I hope that helps.
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