Haya Papa Bear
I have a bit of a problem with something that has happened.
I am a very loving person and I am getting married to my boyfriend and best friend. I am bisexual, leaning more towards girls. My bf doesn't mind this and lets me date girls on the side so I can experiment with my sexuality since I hid it for so long.
Kisses do not bother me and I can say “I love you” without feeling a thing. I also find it very easy to find someone to "love." Girls all over me most of the time.
So here is the problem.
At the last fur meet up advent I was bored and kept hugging a girl. Let’s call her "Alice." I kept walking around, talking to my friends, hugging them, and just being me. I was bored for a bit so snuggles Alice and then licked her cheek and ran off. She ran after me and I got distracted by a furry doing something silly, and she got me back,which ended in a licking match, couple furries around us laughing a little, looking confused, then she puckered her lips up. I had never kissed this girl before; we only met a couple times, but hell with it. I gave her a little kiss on her lips and I suddenly felt shy and blushy and my heart was going all over the place. We both ran off back to our tables. I sat at my table a bit ... dazed? My mate was away grabbing drinks. I was confused and felt weird. I kissed my ex and a couple other girls just to see if it was because I was sick, but It wasn't.
I got another kiss off her and had the same feeling....
A couple days later and I still cannot stop thinking about it!! It's like someone has put a spell on me. Miss Women’s Girl has been struck!!
No matter how much I kiss my mate or someone else, I cannot get her out of my f***ing head!!
This is bad for me. I never fall like this and I have no idea what to do. We are both mated and ... I am just so confused
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The first question that comes to the bear’s mind is this: Do you feel that tingly kind of excitement when you kiss your betrothed? You do note that when you kiss your fiancé you are still thinking of Alice, but you don’t mention any thrill from your mate. My guess would be you aren’t getting that same buzz because then Alice would not be popping into your head. On the other paw, since you barely talked to Alice and don’t really know her, the attraction is likely purely sexual and hormonal—at least at this point.
You also say that although you are bi you lean toward girls. The combination of this and your feelings for Alice makes me wonder why you are planning to marry a man. Is it because your family wants you to? Is it because society finds that more acceptable and you have luckily found a guy who will also permit you to flirt with girls on the side, and perhaps more? Might this be a marriage of convenience more than of love?
With the nuptials drawing closer and closer, might you be getting nervous about the idea of marriage, and this heightened sense of anxiety, combined with the sensation of Alice’s lips on yours, has got you thinking of a way out of the arrangement?
I really cannot answer these questions, but they are all possibilities. What I can say is that maybe you need to take a step back and reexamine your motivations for getting married. The excitement about Alice is a flag on the field, indicating you need to stop play for a while, regroup, consult the coach and the team, and see where you are really headed with all this.
Often in life, we find ourselves heading down the path that is expected of us, or the one that opens up and seems the easiest to travel. That doesn’t mean it’s the right path. The right path could be overgrown with underbrush and vines, and you might have to hack through it to find it and make it down that road, but if it’s the right path for you it is worth the effort.
Don’t rush ahead blindly. Reexamine where you’ve been, where you are, and where you would like to go. Alice is a traffic light telling you to put your foot on the brake until the light turns green again.
Hugs from the Bear
* * *
Dear papa bear,
Thank you for replying.
I didn’t notice I left the bits about my mate out.
I love him more than anything in this world, and I do get the sparks from him. He isnt perfect, but I can see past that with him.
I can seen what you mean. I have thought about if I really love him but I know I do. I am also known in my family for being the one to do what is not expected of me and to go out of my way to break traditions and what is expected. The marrage is because all I want in life is to be with my mate forever and grow old together.
Me and Alice have nothing in comon. If we talk it's for about 5 minutes and I get bored talking to her, which is one of the reasons I am so confused. It seems more a sexual sense than anything else.
I am nervous about the wedding but because of me messing up.
The weird thing about my thinking about her isn’t that I think of her personality or anything. It is always just the kiss ... like it shocked my body or something.
* * *
Thanks for the more detailed information. Good that this is not about your questioning the marriage itself, nor are you questioning your desire to be married to this man.
We’re back to the very real possibility that this is just sexual energy and you’re simply very turned on by this girl. Have you asked her how she feels about you? If she is like you and just feels some sexual desire but no real need to have a serious relationship with you, then, since your fiancé is cool with your having fun with other women, clear it with him and go release your sexual tension with Alice. You might find that, once the deed is done, you will have experienced a catharsis that will release you from your obsession. (One reason this could happen is if you find the having not so pleasant as the wanting. There are few things more unpleasant than having sex with a person you don’t find interesting or appealing on a personal level).
However, if the complication arises that Alice would like to be something more than a romp in the hay, you should back off of that idea, because if you went through with it you would be using Alice, and that is, to say the least, not cool. People should never be treated as if they were a side of beef. I would then recommend you do your best to supplant the obsession with Alice by focusing on your fiancé (which is really a good idea in the first scenario, too), removing triggers in your life that start you thinking about Alice (including this letter), and avoiding Alice as much as possible until she no longer enters your thoughts.
Another possibility is that this obsession is a subliminal way for your mind to create a self-fulfilling prophecy. You are fearful that you will mess up, as you said, and so your mind creates a situation where you can fulfill that fear and prove yourself right, thus validating whatever caused this symptom of apparent low self-esteem.
If this is the case, recognizing it as such will help you dispel the desire to sabotage your wedding by having sex with Alice.
A third alternative is that your obsession with Alice is a symptom of OCD—Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. You don’t mention having OCD or having experienced a scenario similar to the one with Alice you are now experiencing, but if that is another thing you have left out of your letter like you did in the original missive, then it might require some therapeutic techniques such as cognitive-behavioral therapy or exposure and response prevention. I won’t go into what that means here as I believe that is a long-shot explanation, but write me again if I hit the mark there.
Hope that helps, Fluffball!
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