I wanted your thoughts about a dream or nightmare, I had a few months ago, Since our last letter (see this column from 2016) I've done some research into chronophobia and would seem that's what I'm suffering from, there where some suggested things a person with chronophobia should do, so I took out ticking clocks or anything that would remind me of time out of my bedroom and made some lifestyle changes that would take up most of my free time, which honestly helps me sleep more easily at night
Anyway to the dream. I was working, nothing unusual, familiar faces and surroundings, than suddenly something hit me, I went from standing to being laid out on the ground faster than I could think, as I lay there, I tried getting up only to realize I couldn't move, all the familiar people around me began to panic as they looked at me, didn't take long for me to realize I was dying, my eyes were open, but everything was fading to black, the familiar voices started to fade to silence, however I didn't feel any fear or regrets, my literal thought was " My time is done, let's see what's on the other side " but that's when my mate pop into my mind, than I struggled as hard as I could trying to force myself to stand, telling myself " I can't leave him, I can't die! " that's when I woke up already sitting up in my bed, in a panic I hopped out of bed looking for my mate, only to realize he wasn't there and for the first time in years I cried
I had this dream while at work, it was very vivid and to this day it gives me chills, I haven't told my mate about it, but everyday I tell him I love him, since than I haven't felt fear, not even during a " bumpy " helicopter ride, but at night chronophobia sets in even more now, I wanted to know if you had any thoughts on this? Does it have a meaning or connection to my fear of time? Or maybe I'm just thinking about it too much? Love to hear from you and as always thank you for reading.
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I believe this is all related to your earlier letter and your fears of the future and of aging. A fear of dying is definitely tied into these. With your apparent PTSD, I hope you will not be offended if I suggest it might be a good idea for you to explore another career besides firefighting. Have you thought about this? I am not questioning your bravery or commitment to service, but for your own sake (mental and emotional health) there is no shame in looking for something that doesn't stress you out so much.
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