Finding a Confidant/e

Papabear,

I have had a rough life, and no, this is not for pity, I was removed from my family at the age of four, I just got my mother back this April, but because of all that I’ve been through, I put on a happy plastic mask, when in reality I’m dying inside, writhing in agony as my past catches up with me, no matter how fast I run to the potential safety of the future, and because people mostly only see the mask, they think I managed to make the best of things, I give a great many people advice, most of the time, when followed, it works, but only because I’m looking back in hindsight, and telling them what I didn't do, I help others with their problems, because it distracts me from mine.

Lately my problems have become stronger, and there are less of others’ problems to distract me. My therapist thought I was “stable” enough to go on without him, but truth be told, the mask just improved over time, so I can't rely on him, and I don't want to worry my mom, so this comes to my question: the people who give advice, where do they go for advice?

Aspen Blackpaw

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Dear Aspen,

Wow, your question really hits home. As you might imagine, Papabear has his problems, too, just like anyone else. Also, I know what it is like to go through therapy and not be entirely satisfied.  Some therapists out there just aren’t very good (I know, I recommend professionals for many people because I am not one, but just as with anything else, there are good and bad ones).  In the year leading up to my divorce, I sought therapy and attended many sessions with a psychologist.  Finally, at one point, he basically said I was perfectly sane and there was nothing more he could do for me, even though I was still miserable. The same thing happened after my attempted suicide. “Oh, you’re fine, go home.” With the former, it was probably because I was paying a discounted rate and wasn’t making the guy enough money; with the latter, my father was paying so as soon as he stopped they lost interest in me.  These days, it’s all about the money, as you know.

Going through those and other things in my life gave me the experience to share what I learned with other people, as you apparently have. Anyway, I eventually got my head straight without them, but not on my own. I had (and have) some very very dear friends who helped me through my traumas. If you don’t wish to worry your mother, you still need to find a close friend or two ... or more ... with whom you can confide.

Everyone needs someone to confide in and to give them advice, even advice columnists. If it is not a family member, then it is a friend or friends you can trust. How do you find such friends? Well, the more people you meet and talk to, the more likely you will find one or more people with whom you feel a connection. These are usually the people with whom you have something in common. For instance, my dearest confidant is an older bear like me who also realized his sexuality late in life when he was already married; he had already been through these experiences a few years before meeting me and was able to pass down what he learned to me and cheer me up by bolstering my self-esteem and making me realize I wasn’t a horrible person for getting divorced. There have been others who have been similarly encouraging, and they reinforced the things he told me.

Humans (and furries) are social animals. We thrive best with the contact of others with whom we can bond. If you don’t already have people like that in your life, it is time for you to get some!

Good luck!

Papabear