Fear Keeps a Furry from Moving On

Dear Papabear,

I've been in a relationship for about 3 years, but then my mate and I recently broke up due to an argument. I was angry that night, but I woke up the next morning regretting our decision to end it, so I talked to him about it. He said he didn't want to get back with me until he matured a little. I understand his decision and I'll wait for him, but I'm afraid of one of two things happening:

1. Once he matures, he'll realize I'm not good enough for him and move on, or

2. He'll take too long and I'll move on.

I'm afraid of moving on, I've loved this man for so long and I don't want to imagine my life without him. To make matters worse, one of my friends confessed that he has a crush on me. I really don't know what to do! With college being just around the corner, my life is changing quickly and this doesn't make anything better. 

Sincerely, a stressed wolf.

* * *

Dear Stressed,

If you are afraid of moving on, then the second option you outline seems unlikely; don’t worry about that one.  As for number one, if you really have such bad self-esteem that you don’t think you’re good enough for your former mate, he will probably pick up on that feeling and not come back to you. You sound pretty certain you are not up to his standards, and that kind of attitude will sabotage a relationship really quickly.

Next you say that someone having a crush on you “makes matters worse.” Wow, what a negative way of putting it. It should be flattering to you that someone is attracted to you, but I know what you really mean is that this makes matters more complicated. Of course, it wouldn’t actually make things more complicated if you were not enamored by this other potential suitor, too. You see, if you were not attracted to this other person, it would be a non-issue because then you could just say, “I’m very flattered you feel this way about me, but, I’m sorry, I’m still in love with my ex and I hope we get back together.” Or something to that effect.

Sounds to Papabear that what you are truly afraid of is change: your breakup with your former mate and your upcoming college years and the prospects of other possible relationships.

My dear wolf friend, do not be afraid of change. If you become paralyzed with fear because things are changing, you will not be able to live your life. Change happens, and a big part of maturing is dealing with that change, adapting to it, and growing as a person. If we do not grow, we stagnate and wither away.

Now, if true love really resides within your heart for the mate you broke up with, the two of you will get together, inevitably.  But don’t cling to your former love just because you were comfortable with that person and are afraid of change. Perhaps the two of you need to go off to school and mature, as you said, and then you will come back together and reestablish your relationship. But perhaps not.

Either way, it is time for you to look ahead and not behind. Get ready for college and find something to study that you really love. You need to focus on your future right now, make new friends, experience new adventures.  Learn to get excited about change and all the possibilities change can bring. This will make you a stronger person, someone who believes in furself and feels worthy of love. At that point, love will come.

Hugs,

Papabear