I have a strange issue: I have fallen in love with a fursona/fursuit. I really like the person that is the creator of this character. When I see them, or are close to them, I feel like a teenager again. I feel my cheeks flush, and feel something stirring inside of me I thought was dead. When they are with me, I feel proud, like that guy who has the most beautiful girl in the room. I feel like I am in a bad SoFurry story. I know this isn't right. I have told them about my feelings.
Sadly, I love the person on the inside, but not romantically. I feel my feelings for the character may cause the person to feel I am romantically attracted to them. It makes me feel horrible, and I am afraid I will hurt their feelings, and that will just kill me. I do not know how to reconcile this in my head, since I know it is all fantasy, even though I wish it was real.
Xela (age 55)
* * *
Thanks for your letter. Question: what is it about the fursona that you really love? Is it just the appearance, or something more?
* * *
I will be honest. There are several things. Lookswise, I am immediately attracted in several ways. Someone I would love to be seen with, I find the attraction in my heart, I feel so up to be with her. And as much as I hate to admit it, she turns me on, as well. If anthros were real, I would do anything in my power to be her mate. Also, the hugs are magnificent, and she treats people so good, and has a great outlook. I realize the person inside has this component, but my mind makes all of this one package. When we are apart, I can rationally think this. When I am with her, my heart beats faster, my temperature goes up, and I just want to hold her. Like a teenager in love.
I hope this helps show my thinking. Thank You!
* * *
Sounds like you are attracted mostly to the appearance of the fursona. This is not at all an unusual phenomenon, and it happens not just in the furry fandom but across the board with fictional characters (cf. http://www.themarysue.com/the-psychology-of-fandom/). People often become enamored by characters and then associate that character with the actor who plays them, and it can be difficult to disassociate the two. An extreme example might be someone falling in love with Captain Kirk and then having feelings for William Shatner, even after discovering that Shatner, in real life, is, well, kind of a big jerk.
You say you really love the fursona, and even though you like the person who created it, you don’t actually love them. You’re worried you might somehow be leading them on, but has she ever expressed any emotions toward you? My guess is no and that you are worrying about nothing. Now, if she behaved as if she was falling in love with you, you might have a problem and have to have a sit-down with her, but unless she does that, I would just say continue as you are and have fun with it.
Since you aren’t deluding yourself that the fursona is real and you could somehow have a genuine romantic relationship with it, you must have a solid grasp of reality, and that’s great.
You should be less hard on yourself and less fretful that this is all so so serious. It isn’t. This is all fantasy, and you acknowledge that. So have fun with it! There is actually nothing wrong with indulging in a little fantasy, allowing yourself to get twitterpated over the sexy, huggable, friendly furry and just be happy with that. Who knows, you might also gain some experience in having a healthy relationship in the real world, such as getting lots of practice with hugs and displays of affection and kindness.
My advice, in conclusion, is to just enjoy the moment; don’t worry about the girl inside falling in love with you unless she actually does; and just be happy and furry.
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.