I have a question related to role playing, ERP [Erotic Role Play] partners and art, and I thought this would be a proper place to ask for help since, being in a community where these interactions are frequent, you might have a better understanding about how it can be more significant to an insider (if that wording made any sense, I hope it did).
I have a serious problem with (sex/intimate) roleplay partners in general and seeing them get it on with others. It's rather common to see art of role players with their partners, and when I get to see art featuring a partner of mine (particularly if it's someone I RP with frequently) with someone else in an intimate/kinky/suggestive situation, I get so upset that I either throw a tantrum at them and make everything go to sh!t, or go dead quiet and block myself from associating with them without telling them why (so as not to be all mopey around them).
Well, it's almost as bad if I happen to run into them with another partner in a chat room or whatever other place where it could be happening, or if my partner tells me about the stuff they do with others and whatnot. I've gotten myself used to interpret it as "them rubbing it in on me", and only relatively recently I started trying to interpret it as "them sharing what makes them happy with me", but still to no real avail, I still get unreasonably upset and it's almost like an instinctive reaction.
I feel jealous, envious, and left out. Jealous because I instantly assume that I'm no better than these other people my partner/s get it on with and get mad or sad at it, and I feel something getting crushed inside me, like an illusion that my partner would have had me up high in some sort of pedestal and then finding out that I wasn't the absolute most special person in their life; envy, because I have no money nor drawing skills to show off like that, it's art that I like a lot and that I would love to either pay for or be able to draw myself, and it's all quite far from my possibilities at the moment; and lastly, I feel left out because I feel like I don't have "what it takes", or that I "don't belong". Similarly, to a call of mating (for lack of a better comparison on my part), someone with either money or talent to have a gallery to show themselves off, is much more likely to draw more interest from either one or multiple people. I kind of see it as a competition internally (which I feel isn't really a good thing), one that I see myself losing at over and over.
Basically, I feel jealous, envious and cast out when I see my partner/s getting it on with others, especially if it's on fancy art, and it does not only keep me from enjoying that content as much as I would otherwise, but it also makes things ridiculously awkward or downright depressing with these people.
How do I do to get myself to enjoy seeing my partners share their joy with others, or at least stop getting angry and sad at it?
Best wishes, and thanks in advance for giving me the opportunity to come at you for advice.
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You’re suffering from two very common problems I see in the furry community: 1) art envy, and 2) low self-esteem. They are related, of course. And your upset over partners’ flirtations with others is more a reflection of how you feel about yourself than how you feel about them.
It’s interesting that you say you have partners (plural), rather than just one partner, which indicates that you yourself are not really into monogamy, so why expect others to be monogamous with you? That seems an unreasonable expectation on your part.
As for art envy, you have two choices: work at becoming an artist yourself, or stop competing with people who have a talent that you do not possess. Just because you don’t have artistic gifts shouldn’t mean you have nothing to offer a partner. You need to find out what your own personal and unique gifts are and work on those. Competing with people who have a gift you don’t possess is nonsense. Competing with others is nonsense, period. There will always be people more talented than you, so don’t trouble your mind about it. That’s a recipe for misery.
To get over your jealousies and, let’s face it, paranoia that others are somehow mocking you by their behavior with others, what you need is to work on your self-esteem. Once you accept yourself as a valuable person in your own right with good things to offer a partner, your insecurities will fade away and you will no longer be jealous.
As for relationships, if you are going to have multiple relationships, then it is only fair you allow your partners to, as well. If, on the other paw, you want a more committed relationship, then you need to express that to your partner of choice and find out whether they want the same thing as you do before you proceed. Always define the acceptable terms of a relationship for both parties so you know where you stand.
Jealousy stems from your fear of being alone, left out. But if your partner(s) doesn’t/don’t know that you want commitment and validation from them, then don’t be surprised if they don’t express those traits. Suffering in silence just exacerbates the problem.
Reading between the lines, however, it seems you are jealous of your partners doing the wild thang in artworks and role play, not reality. Correct? You see the fursona of one of the people you are attracted to getting it on with some other character on paper or in a jpeg or in a chat room. And then you somehow equate that with a betrayal. Then you feel bad because you can’t draw something equally sexy with your fursona and your partner making love. Then you feel as if you will somehow lose them because you can’t create that art or, perhaps, you are not very good at online role play.
If that’s the case, then I really think you need to get real. Get your head out of the fantasy world of furry and start having real-life relationships with real people in the real world because what you have been doing is emotionally unhealthy. Please turn off your electronic devices, knock off the role playing, open the door, step out into the real world and experience real relationships.
And good luck!
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