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Enter Poly Relationships with Your Eyes Open

3/31/2021

3 Comments

 
Dear Papabear,

Lately, I've had an issue on my mind. It's not exactly pressing, but it is something I'll have to confront and decide on eventually. But given I've been stuck for months on it, I figured it's time to reach out to a third party who's totally uninvolved. I remembered hearing about you on an old podcast, so I thought I'd give you a poke. I hope you don't mind giving me your opinion.

I'm in a happy, long distance relationship. The problem, is that we have a very good mutual friend, us three hang out pretty much all the time.. and well, the thought of becoming a poly relationship is always lingering. My partner is, presumably, willing, and our mutual friend has expressed interest in it.

Trouble is, I'm not sure if I could handle being in a poly relationship. I mean, with how close we all are we might as well already be in one.. but I'd have to come out as poly to my dear mother (my father's not in the picture, if that has any relevance). She's not one of those super strict and traditional parents, but I really would worry about if she'd think of me differently, as well as the rest of my family. I'm a lot more open to things, but my family, while they're relatively progressive, they were all raised on traditional values. I don't think they'd insult me or anything like that, but disappointment still hurts.

In addition to family stuff, I would worry about if we could give each other the attention we needed. Like, the last thing I would want is for one of us to feel like a third wheel or to get jealous. I don't *think* it would happen, but, I worry. Especially because, if our relationship were to fail, our mutual friend would have left their current partner for nothing.

Lastly, and this might sound odd, but I have several friends who would likely be upset that I'd be a poly relationship for this friend, but not them. They're definitely "would date if I were single" for me, but, well, I just don't think a poly relationship would work with them in the current situation. That probably wouldn't stop them from being upset, though.

The current status quo is nice, but.. I know I can't, or at least shouldn't, delay answering this question forever. As much as a definite do or don't would be nice, mostly I'd really like to know your thoughts and reasonings, maybe what you would do.

I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for reading.

Aevery

* * *


Dear Aevery,

As I've told others who write to me, traditional, two-person relationships are tough enough without complicating things further with a third or fourth person. So, no matter what you do, you are in for a challenging time.

There are two important things you need to do here. First, you must realize that this is your life and your relationship choice. What your parents, family, friends, and coworkers think about your personal life should not factor into your decision. If we all let others rule our lives, we would die having never lived true to ourselves. 

The second thing is communication between you and your two partners. For polyamorous relationships to work, everyone everyone everyone has to agree to what the rules are. You must all be sensitive and giving to each other's needs. There must be ZERO jealousy involved. No selfishness. Once jealousy creeps into any relationship, there is trouble a-brewing, and that goes triple for poly relationships. If you are uncomfortable or unsure about being poly in any way, then my recommendation is this: Don't do it.

All that said, I'm curious about the living situation right now. You say you are in an LDR with the first BF, but is this true with the third person? Are you all living at a distance that makes it impossible to live together? If so, then I would say right now that a poly situation is not feasible. To have a true poly relationship with three or more people, you need to be living together. There are furries who read this column who will disagree with me, but I stand firm on that point.

Until the time you all three are together in the same home, the entire issue of being in a relationship is moot. 

Let me know if you have further questions.

Hugs,
Papabear
3 Comments
Uncle Delta
3/31/2021 12:48:33 pm

Be true to yourself Aevery buddy ,live life to the fullest without thinking about what other think of you and stay Awesome. Remember you run your life.
I agree with Papabear on this one that living together will be the best way for the relationship to work.
I also wish you and your partners the best of luck to make it work.
Delta Ghostwolf going dark🐾

Reply
M
4/7/2021 07:32:54 am

As someone in a poly LDR, I feel like I may have a few things to add.

First, Papa Bear is incredibly right that it's important whether you're all long distance from each other, or if two of you are in the same place - If two people can engage in in-person dates and activities together but the third person cannot, that can really complicate things, especially at the beginning of a relationship. No matter how hard the two people work, the barrier of distance will cause the third person to be uniquely isolated from some aspects of the relationship. Depending on the third person's needs, this may brew jealousy or provide relief - it depends what the person wants and needs from the relationship. I need a lot more time alone than one of my partners, who needs to talk things through right away when we have difficulties come up. Thus, it is beneficial to our relationship for him to have someone else who knows what's going on that we're both close to who can help him process his feelings, while I isolate and process on my own, and then we can talk about it together after we've had some needs met. This is messy and complex and we don't always get it right - and we have to be careful not to force anyone into a therapist type role, having to deal with every argument the two of us have. It takes a lot of work and rotating who is supporting who.

Secondly, it will be important for you to cultivate not only a jealousy free environment, but one full of trust and compersion, which is a fancy word for being happy that your partner is happy with someone else. It's sort of an anti-jealousy. Personally, I find compersion often feels a little like listening to someone you love talk about something they care about that you don't care about at all - you're not directly emotionally engaged, but you love them and you love seeing them happy and so you're happy to listen and share in an experience that would otherwise be theirs alone. All of you need to cultivate that feeling for both of your partners. Talk about how you want to involve the third partner in engagements between pairs. You may also need to address feelings of protectiveness - if your partners are fighting, would you defend one of them over the other more often? Can you support a person without siding against the person they're fighting with? All of you will need to be able to or learn how to handle arguments and seek mutual solution without invalidating anger and feelings. This particularly includes knowing when to keep your mouth shut.

With regards to trust, you also need to talk about where boundaries lie with talking to one partner about the other partner. I don't recommend being in a poly relationship if you're not all comfortable with the things you tell one partner being shared with the other. It being an LDR can also make it easier to hide or repress feelings that feel unfair or dangerous, and if you do feel like the agreements you have aren't working, it can be really scary to take something that feels stable and disrupt it. One on one may feel less revealing, but that's a really good way to start a bungled game of telephone. Involve all parties in serious discussions as equals as early as possible.

LDRs and poly relationships are already complex relationships that require a lot of work, and both rely heavily upon clear and regular communication. I recommend talking in detail about what would change if you got together, what commitments you would be making to each other, and how you intend to share individual aspects of your lives in order to meet everyone's needs (sex, emotional support, projects/activities, finances if relevant, romance/dates, etc), as well as laying out a basic framework for dealing with unpleasant feelings and restructuring the relationship to meet changing needs. It may also be pertinent to talk about how things might change if you all lived together - no relationship will be the same long distance as it is in person, and considering an in person situation can help to identify needs that will be more likely to vary situationally than other (eg. time management, social interaction levels, etc).

As for your other friends, a short explanation why you think a relationship with them wouldn't work for you right now should be plenty to explain that you don't think they're not good enough. It sounds like many of those relationships would be V shaped, and you're looking for something more triangular, and there is nothing wrong with recognizing a specific relationship configuration isn't right for you.

Sorry for the essay - I hope some of my thoughts can help you navigate your situation. Overall, be compassionate, and talk about tangible expectations, goals, and needs before taking any leaps. Dont push yourself into a relationship you don't feel ready for.

Good luck :)

-M

Reply
Papabear link
4/8/2021 06:21:24 pm

Hi, M. Thank you SO MUCH for this wonderful and detailed input! I'm grateful to you for taking so much time to talk about how to be successful in a poly relationship!

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