Ever since starting college, I've been lucky enough to make some quality friends. The people I've met, including one furry who connected me to the local fur scene, really seem to be a good match for me. When we're together, the chemistry is good and I have a good rapport with them.
The problem lately is that the time for quality interpersonal interactions with my friends has been limited, and it's making me doubt some of my friendships. In community college, people are often on different schedules and have jobs. One key friend of mine is always super busy. He runs one of the school clubs (where we met), has two jobs, is a full time student, and is currently planning his wedding (he's 21). Because we're in the club together, and we have a weekly D&D game, we see each other a lot. But the quality of these interactions rarely goes deep enough as I really want because he doesn't really have time (or doesn't like me quite enough to make the time) to just hang out casually and have conversations. Our friendship feels stuck. And sometimes, if I catch him in the library or something, I'll approach him and he'll say, "Well, I have class soon so I can't stay." Recently, he said this when his class didn't start for 25 more minutes. It's just frustrating because I thought we had something good, but it's either not able to go anywhere or he doesn't like me as much as I thought. He's a very kind person, very supportive of me being gay and furry and all that. He'll even hug me too. But I fear that his tolerance has fooled me into thinking that we're closer than we really are.
I'm just wondering: how do I know when a friendship isn't worth pursuing anymore? It's difficult because I haven't had a friend like this in a long time, so I'd hate to let it die on the vine. But at this rate, I'm wondering if it's worth it.
Murray the Rat
* * *
Based on what you have written here, your friend is sincerely, incredibly busy! I mean, my gosh, he has school, a job, runs a club, and is planning a wedding! If I were him, I wouldn't have time, either, and would be seriously stressed out. And it sounds like the time he does give you is as good as he can do at this time in his life.
I believe you are reading far too much into his reactions that he doesn't have time. (And 25 minutes is NOT a lot of time, as you seem to believe). Don't be offended, but in my opinion, you are being rather selfish expecting more from him just to focus on you and your need for a long chat.
Do not dismiss the friendship you have with him lightly. Just enjoy what time you have, such as playing D&D and participating in the club, and don't worry about it. Most friendships made at college dissipate, anyway, as people get jobs in different cities and lose touch. I don't have any friends from college today, and only one friend from my childhood keeps in touch. All my friends were made from my first real job and thereafter.
So, is it worth it, this friendship? Yes. Enjoy it for now. Don't "pursue" it like some forlorn lover (or are you smitten by him?), because, frankly, that can get creepy and stalky if you get too insistent. Be cool. Relax, and enjoy the present.
Leave a Reply.
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.