Don't Mistake a Relationship Habit for Love

Dear Papabear,

I'm a wolf looking for answers. So, I'm having troubles with my relationship. I'm three years invested and I seem to be in love because of the time I've spent with her. She doesn't like the furry fandom but I happen to live in it. I've been having troubles communicating with her and I feel like I'm loosing interest. She's a nice girl, but I can't keep leading her on if I don't want to be with her; trouble is, I don't know if I want to be with her. Should I ask her to help me, or should I try to find someone first? What’s the morally right thing compared to what I want to do? The relationship market is also tough, I could never find another mate. What do you think?

E Wolf

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Dear E Wolf,

Staying with someone because you have “three years invested” is like holding on to stock in AOL because you owned it for years. In your brief letter you have provided several reasons for leaving her, including: she doesn’t like furries, which is a big part of your life and who you are; you aren’t communicating well; and, tellingly, you don’t even know if you want to be with her anymore. (You are under the misguided perception that time spent with someone = the amount you love someone.)

You write that you “don’t know if I want to be with her.” Yeah, you know, and the answer is pretty clear you don’t, really. The next line—“Should I ask her to help me, or should I try to find someone first?”—doesn’t make sense to Papabear. Ask her to help you? Help you what—love her again? And “try to find someone first”? You mean have a backup girlfriend so when you dump the first one you won’t be alone? Come on. 

Then this: “What’s the morally right thing compared to what I want to do?” Why do you think what you want to do is not morally okay? It sounds like you wish to break up with this girl. There is nothing immoral about that. Lastly, you state that you’ll never find another mate. Nonsense.

You are correct, however, when you said you can’t keep leading her on. That was the one clear and true thing you concluded in your letter. You don’t really want to continue in this relationship, do you? Be honest. And continuing a bogus relationship is not doing your girlfriend any favors. If you’re wasting your time with her, then she’s likewise wasting her time with you when she could be looking for someone who loves her a lot more than you do.

Also, staying with her because you’re afraid of being alone is, indeed, not very moral for the above reason: you’re not being fair to her.

The best thing you can do for both of you is break it off now. Not next month or next week. Now. The morally right thing to do is to be honest with her. Tell her you think she is a nice girl and that you really like her but that you don’t see the relationship progressing any farther than where it is now and you think it would be best for both of you to move on (although keep friendship on the table, if that is possible).

Love is not an investment. Love is not found in a “market.” Lovers are not commodities. And lovers aren’t there to keep you from being lonely while you look for someone else who is better. Treat her with the respect a “nice girl,” as you characterized her, deserves and you will be in good shape.

Papabear