Don't Be So Desperate for Marriage That You Allow Yourself to Be a Tool

Dear Papabear,

I haven't ever really cared about being with anyone I've always just kind of accepted I'll be alone however these last few years I've been feeling really alone I really want to be married.

​Now there's someone I really like and he likes me but right now it's to soon he has a lot of stress going on in his life with his ex and he doesn't want to upset his family by telling them he's bi and the stress that I add by trying to make us a couple to fast he's also requested an open relationship and I don't know how I'll react to that I don't want to restrict him so much that he starts to resent me but i feel like I might lose him to someone else.

I guess my questions are how long should you wait for someone? And how do you make an open relationship work when you want a monogamous one?

Zoey (age 29)

* * *

Dear Zoey,

Oh, this one is easy: if you want monogamy and he wants an open relationship, and neither of you want to change your mind, then that's it; you're done. That relationship will not work.  Monogamous relationships can work fine; open relationships can work fine. But for either to work, BOTH parties MUST be in agreement. 

As for the it's-not-the-right-time-for-him thing: in my experience, when a love interest says stuff like "there's too much going on in my life right now" or "I need time before I make a commitment" or "I can't upset my family" then you are on a path to nowhere. This is called "leading you on." I've seen it happen to people over and over and over again. This happens either because the other person is really not all that into you and doesn't want to "hurt your feelings" by forthrightly saying "go away," OR! They want to have their cake and eat it too, meaning they don't want to upset their current status quo but they also want you to be the "something on the side" when it is convenient for them and only them. If you accept either of these things, you are allowing yourself to be a tool.

Have a little self-respect and don't allow yourself to be used. Dump this guy. You are only allowing him to pull this crap because you are becoming desperate for marriage. And another thing: don't be in love with the idea of marriage; be in love with a person. Many people marry because they don't want to be alone, but if you leap into a marriage because you like the idea of being married more than you like your choice for a partner, then that marriage will end in heartache and disappointment.

Zoey, I'm glad you wrote to me. You need to stop and reflect on your life and your motivation. You need to work on your self-respect and also not be afraid of being alone. When you are confident, have self-respect, and can be independent and not need to lean on others just to get by, that is when you will exude attractiveness and that will bring love to your door.

If someone truly loves you, they won't make you wait.

Question answered.

Hugs,
Papabear