Hello Papa Bear,
I am a fan that wrote to you a while back and it seems like I need help again...
Lately I've noticed a pretty toxic looking pattern in my behaviour. I'm not sure why but small things I don't understand tend to set me off and I need to rant to not be overwhelmed. On top of that I think I subconsciously seek conflict even though I hate it. I've never thought it was a huge problem because I could control it, until recently.
As you might or might not know, Daniel from the YouTube group Cyndago recently passed away due to suicide. I looked up information because I had been out of the loop, and found Cyndago has quit YouTube which confused me and kind of angered me because I saw no logic in the decision. I decided to post my opinion that they had no reason to quit on a website to hopefully get some clarification as to the reasoning behind it.
That ended up being a huge mistake.
Almost immediately I got a ton of backlash from fans for apparently being insensitive to death and mourning and one person called me (warning for harsh language) "either a [redacted] angsty teenager or disrespectful trash of a [redacted] human being" before telling me pretty angrily to "have some [redacted] human decency."
What made it worse was that an account that was allegedly Ryan's (another Cyndago member) found my post and responded saying I thought it was all about me, which I never said but I still feel awful about that. I have Asperger’s which makes me have trouble empathizing and seeing social cues sometimes, so needless to say I was very upset and did not understand what I said wrong. It's just an opinion, right? I never said they had to stay, just that I didn’t think they should quit. (Though my post was poorly worded and sounded mad because I was tired.)
I have already issued an apology and explanation, though it seems people either ignored it, didn't see it, or hated me more for trying to apologize because I've gotten some more hate since. I feel like I've irreparably screwed up and would like some advice to keep this from happening again because I kind of hate myself now.
Sincerely,
Apparently A Bad Person
* * *
Dear Apparently,
You are not a bad person. For one thing, your Asperger’s could very likely have made it difficult for you to write a post that evoked the amount of sympathy that many people might expect. For another, who hasn’t written an email or post while angry or sad or under duress and then hit “send” or “post” before they should have? I know I’ve done this a couple times.
We all make fools of ourselves now and then. And you took the right steps to apologize for it, and if not everyone accepts that apology, then they just need to get over it.
In the future, my advice would be that whenever you feel like posting something that has a strong opinion in it, you first write it, then set it aside for a while (save it in Word or save the message as a draft). Go back to it a few hours (or even a day or two) later and reread it. Now that you have calmed down or thought about it, ask yourself, “Is this what I would write now? Is it well-reasoned? Is it polite?” If it is, go ahead and send it; if not, either rewrite it or don’t send it at all.
Don’t hate yourself. We all goof up sometimes. Learn from the goofs and move on.
Hugs,
Papabear
I am a fan that wrote to you a while back and it seems like I need help again...
Lately I've noticed a pretty toxic looking pattern in my behaviour. I'm not sure why but small things I don't understand tend to set me off and I need to rant to not be overwhelmed. On top of that I think I subconsciously seek conflict even though I hate it. I've never thought it was a huge problem because I could control it, until recently.
As you might or might not know, Daniel from the YouTube group Cyndago recently passed away due to suicide. I looked up information because I had been out of the loop, and found Cyndago has quit YouTube which confused me and kind of angered me because I saw no logic in the decision. I decided to post my opinion that they had no reason to quit on a website to hopefully get some clarification as to the reasoning behind it.
That ended up being a huge mistake.
Almost immediately I got a ton of backlash from fans for apparently being insensitive to death and mourning and one person called me (warning for harsh language) "either a [redacted] angsty teenager or disrespectful trash of a [redacted] human being" before telling me pretty angrily to "have some [redacted] human decency."
What made it worse was that an account that was allegedly Ryan's (another Cyndago member) found my post and responded saying I thought it was all about me, which I never said but I still feel awful about that. I have Asperger’s which makes me have trouble empathizing and seeing social cues sometimes, so needless to say I was very upset and did not understand what I said wrong. It's just an opinion, right? I never said they had to stay, just that I didn’t think they should quit. (Though my post was poorly worded and sounded mad because I was tired.)
I have already issued an apology and explanation, though it seems people either ignored it, didn't see it, or hated me more for trying to apologize because I've gotten some more hate since. I feel like I've irreparably screwed up and would like some advice to keep this from happening again because I kind of hate myself now.
Sincerely,
Apparently A Bad Person
* * *
Dear Apparently,
You are not a bad person. For one thing, your Asperger’s could very likely have made it difficult for you to write a post that evoked the amount of sympathy that many people might expect. For another, who hasn’t written an email or post while angry or sad or under duress and then hit “send” or “post” before they should have? I know I’ve done this a couple times.
We all make fools of ourselves now and then. And you took the right steps to apologize for it, and if not everyone accepts that apology, then they just need to get over it.
In the future, my advice would be that whenever you feel like posting something that has a strong opinion in it, you first write it, then set it aside for a while (save it in Word or save the message as a draft). Go back to it a few hours (or even a day or two) later and reread it. Now that you have calmed down or thought about it, ask yourself, “Is this what I would write now? Is it well-reasoned? Is it polite?” If it is, go ahead and send it; if not, either rewrite it or don’t send it at all.
Don’t hate yourself. We all goof up sometimes. Learn from the goofs and move on.
Hugs,
Papabear
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