Difficulties with Dating Someone with Autism

Papabear,

How do I get over a breakup after over a year with the person and getting engaged, when they fancy someone 9 years older (he is 16)?

Basically we met online as most furs do, and hit it off, he lived quite locally to me (within 200 miles) and we met up quite often. Around Christmas it started getting bad; he wanted me to move in with him and it all started getting stressful. He runs at stress, unfortunately, so I was left to try and fix it. He slowly started drifting away.

His birthday came about a month ago and I visited him. It went OK until when I had to go home. Online he couldn't care less if he talked to me, but in person he wouldn't let go of my arm. I went out to get something for his birthday; I was gone 2 hours... He claimed it was 11 hours. When being told it was 2, he said, "Well, it felt like 11."

The fact we had spent a week together, I thought it would be nice to give him some space, that space he claims he needs so much of. However, he felt neglected. After this he went online and started lying about who he was planning to meet up with, and I spoke to a friend of his; unsurprisingly I was blamed for driving my ex's friends away and dumped that very night. I haven't eaten or slept properly since and am rather distressed.

Vennix

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Hi, Vennix,

Thanks for your letter. Quick question, if you don't mind: does your friend suffer from Aspergers or any other form of autism? This will help with my answer.

Papabear

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Yes, both, but not really major.

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His somewhat erratic behavior is likely attributable to his autism, then. First, don't blame yourself for what happened; you can't help his behavior. Second, if he really wishes to move on, you are going to have to learn to accept that. I know it hurts, and because it hurts and you really care about him, you likely will not "get over it." That's often a misused phrase. What you'll learn to do is accept it and move on with your life.

I'll write more later, but I have to travel to see family now, so I hope you understand. Take care.

Papabear

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Thank you very much. It is just so hard; all his friends say he was the happiest they had ever seen him when I was with him. 

Regards,

Vennix

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Hi, Vennix,

While he may have been very happy while the two of you were in a relationship, his deciding to be in that relationship is up to him and not your responsibility. (Remember, people with autism might not react or behave to social situations the way you or I would normally). You offered to be with him and he pushed you away. His happiness, likewise, is not your responsibility. 

I found an article that might be useful for both you and your ex to read: http://www.scn.org/autistics/relationships.html. It might help.

Remember, your needs and happiness are important, too. A relationship with someone who is autistic can be very challenging. I suggest reading more about autism and, specifically, Aspergers. Understanding how autistic people feel and behave might help you reconnect to your friend. I suggest you start with the Autism Society page at http://www.autism-society.org/.

Good luck!!!

Papabear