Papabear, why do emotions gotta be so stupid?
I would love it if you could help me understand my biology and why I'm feeling so bleh about it. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half and as far as emotional support, romantic interest, and communication go we are doing pretty swell. The part that's been driving me crazy is the sex ... or lack thereof. Everyone saw that line coming.
Though there's a snag that I'm having trouble finding info on. We are an open couple online. We allow each other sexually interact through role play, under a few rules. I know he still gets aroused but he seems content to idly tease himself online than come seek me out. I asked him if I can be a part of that and he said he didn't want our relationship to be brought down to trivial levels like that. It was almost as if he were embarrassed by it but he does it a majority of evenings.
Then on the other side is my own biology. I have never been so pent up in my entire life. We have been open online since the beginning. only when we moved in together did it start being a problem. I feel starved for intimacy. I'm the one who goes to him for 80% of sexual interaction. I'm the one whose always complementing him and flirting. And it's starting hurt more when he rejects and satisfy less when we do do the nasty. What the heck is wrong with my brain chemistry?
I love this man. I haven't connected with someone like this before. And I'm too stubborn to let something like this ruin what I have that's wonderful. You are the wise guru of furries. Any advice?
Anonymous (age 24)
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Why “do emotions gotta be so stupid?” Well, because they are not connected to the brain, but to the heart, which contains no grey matter. But to the point: this is another case of online porn getting in the way of real-life sex. I had a letter similar to yours last year in which the couple had a loving relationship, but the man was having some difficulties. In that case, it helped the woman a lot to change her strategy by approaching her husband in a low-pressure way. Sometimes, believe it or not, a guy feels a bit intimidated by a mate who aggressively approaches him for sex (other men love that, but it varies). That might be the case here.
The other thing you mentioned was how he wouldn’t let you participate in his online role playing. He said he felt it would trivialize your relationship; you said it seemed more like he was embarassed. My sense is that you are probably correct. He’s somehow ashamed of whatever fantasy(ies) he’s indulging in online. What you need to do in this case is get him to open up about his fantasies to you in a frank discussion of your sexual preferences. You might need to be the one to break the ice here by “confessing” to him some of your kinkier preferences (works best if he doesn’t know one or two of them), and then invite him to do the same, telling him that you accept him and love him for who he is and that everyone has a kink or two that might be considered outrageous in “normal” society. Jim and I had this frank discussion years back, and the result was he had a much happier time in bed (no, I won’t tell you what his kink was, but it was “unconventional,” though hardly rare).
There is nothing wrong with your brain chemistry. You’re fine and you deserve a satisfying sexual relationship. (Oh, and just a note: sex is not “nasty”; it’s a beautfiul thing, a bonding thing, a natural thing. Remember, language is powerful, and the subtleties of using negative language in any discussion can lead to someone misinterpreting your attitudes and opinions). If you can afford it, you might try some sex counseling. So many people go it alone and end up not being able to communicate their needs properly, and the result can be the breakdown of the relationship. I know it’s hard to do at times, and it might seem trite, but talking is the best thing the two of you can do. If you want to someday take this relationship to the next level, you’ll need to resolve your sexual complications, obviously.
Hope that helps, at least a little. Write again any time if you need more input or have more information to offer.
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