Chasing Away the Gremlins of the Mind Is One Key to Great Sex

Hello Papabear,

I have something that’s been bugging me for a while. I've been dating another man for the first time for a few weeks now. I've fantasized about being with a guy for a very long time, but have been with women for almost all of my relationships, and I've been wondering if what I am doing is what I truly want or if I am playing tricks on myself. It's been bugging me so much that I worry about it every day and I'm constantly stressed whenever my mate isn't with me. It's gone so far as to embarrassingly affect my performance in the bedroom. Is this what people go through with their first same sex relationship, or is this just me playing mind games with myself?

Arcturus

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Hi, Arcturus,

There could be a couple things going on here. One would be the simple nervousness of trying something new and being unsure of yourself, the other being that you are freaking out a little about your sexuality. Both, yes, are gremlins of the mind. You are overthinking things. Instead, trust your instincts. Your body knows what it wants to do and how to do it, but your mind is holding you back.

It’s kind of like learning how to relax and go to sleep when your body is tense. I’ve learned some exercises that help me to de-stress by focusing on different muscles, realizing they are tense, and allowing them to relax. When I have done this and relaxed all the muscles, I feel almost instantly that I am on a cloud and drifting off to sleep.

Similarly, when you are making love, you need to “relax” all those thoughts in your mind that are tensing you up. Forget about your past sexual experiences, definitely forget fears and anxieties put there by society, and live in the moment. Focus on your boyfriend, the intimacy of revealing yourselves fully to each other, the stimulation of all five senses, and the physical, nearly spiritual moment you are about to share together.

Being able to do that is one of the keys to having great sex. Don’t think—do!

Papabear

(Oh, and before I hear from my buddy Critter again, don’t forget about safe sex, please).