Dear Papabear,
I hope you’re doing well. I’ve been feeling a lot of conflicting emotions lately and was hoping to hear your thoughts about something personal. Recently, I joined a furry Discord server hoping to connect with others in the community and ease my growing loneliness. While the people there are incredibly kind and supportive, I’ve found that instead of feeling more connected, being surrounded by their positivity and camaraderie has only amplified my sense of isolation. I decided to suggest a space in the server where people could openly share their struggles—a place for vulnerability and honesty—because I thought it might help people like me who feel disconnected. However, the suggestion was understandably denied for reasons I had anticipated, such as concerns over moderation, misuse, and triggering content. Now that it’s been denied, I’m reflecting on everything, and I find myself caught in a loop of feelings. On one hand, I respect the mods’ decision, and I never wanted to create a burden for them or the community. On the other hand, I can’t shake the feeling that my need for connection, and even my loneliness itself, is something selfish or shameful. I guess what I’m trying to ask is: how can I come to terms with these feelings of rejection and loneliness without internalizing them as a reflection of my worth? And how can I continue to seek connection and be honest about my struggles without feeling like a burden to others? Thank you so much for reading this. I deeply appreciate your time and guidance. Sincerely, Samuel (23, Indonesia) * * * Hi, Samuel, Thank you for your email. Quick question before I reply with a full response: Are you able to meet furries IN PERSON in Indonesia? I know there are furries in your country, but not sure whether you have been able to meet them in the real world. Bear Hugs, Papabear * * * Hi Papabear! First of all thank you for the quick response. For your information, I have two furry friends from my country (one introduced by my best friend because I write a furry story, the other I found out is one when I was going through his art social media). However, the first one is much like me, struggling to find furry friends due to: (1) financial constraints to attend Indonesian furry expos (there is IWAG [Indonesian Weekend Anthro Gathering]), (2) having a hard-time looking for a furry server where the members are from Indonesian, and (3) having a terrible experience from Indonesian furries we DID meet online (we even used the app BARQ!), which is why the two of us are so keen on joining a server or meeting one not from our country. As for the second friend, he's an anti-LGBTQ+ and I'm kinda discouraged to be friends with him, knowing that Indonesia itself has a strict religious law (so is my patriarchal and religious household). I myself have an anti-LGBTQ+ best friend that I don't mind hanging around and be vulnerable with at all (he even knows I'm a furry), but for this other friend... suffice to say that I don't want to be friends with him. When I confronted him in hopes to rekindle our friendship (literally a few days ago), he was being pretty rude, defensive, and outright disrespecting me even after saying "he respects my choice"; it's clear he didn't. And... maybe to add a bit of context to the previous message, I’ve faced significant challenges that have made it almost impossible for me to seek professional psychological help. Financial constraints have always been a big barrier, but beyond that, there’s a strong stigma in my family around mental health (and the fact religion and politics are avoided discussions in servers are not helping). Discussions about seeking therapy are often shut down with the belief that religion is the solution to all struggles, and anything beyond that is seen as unnecessary or even shameful. Ironically, I helped co-found a free counseling platform in Indonesia for almost six years now, called Berbagicerita.id, which aims to make counseling accessible for those in need. However, as the co-founder, I can’t use the platform myself because of ethical boundaries in psychology. It’s like this: when you’re working with staff you know personally, disclosing personal problems creates a conflict of interest that can affect the dynamic of future professional interactions. Even the founder, who has a difficult life too, don’t use the platform for the same reasons—it’s a boundary we all respect. While I’m incredibly proud of what we’ve built, it also leaves me in a difficult position, unable to access the kind of help I’ve been advocating for others. And if you ask me why I don't use other free counseling platforms, it's because of the same reason as well. Many of the counselors or psychologists on these platforms are often connected within the same professional network as my own platform, or they could even end up being people I’ve collaborated with in the past. The overlap makes it difficult for me to seek help without worrying about breaching boundaries or feeling self-conscious about disclosing my struggles to people who might know me personally or professionally. It’s frustrating because I truly believe in the importance of accessible mental health support—I’ve worked hard to help create it for others—but I’ve ended up in this unique and isolating position where the very system I advocate for feels inaccessible to me. That’s why I find myself turning to communities like the furry fandom, where I hope to find understanding and connection without the same layers of complication or judgment. The server modder who disclosed that my suggestion for a venting channel suggested me to find social group, but he doesn't know about this additional context/information because it's a very private information for me and I can't just disclose this to everyone in the community, even if it's just to add a context of where I'm coming from. It’s frustrating because I truly believe in the importance of accessible mental health support—I’ve worked hard to help create it for others—but I’ve ended up in this unique and isolating position where the very system I advocate for feels inaccessible to me. That’s why I find myself turning to communities like the furry fandom, where I hope to find understanding and connection without the same layers of complication or judgment. Thank you again for listening, and for taking the time to understand where I’m coming from. It means a lot to me. Sincerely, Samuel P.S. Sorry, I'm just going to make the third paragraph less confusing: And... maybe to add a bit more context to the previous message, I’ve faced significant challenges that have made it almost impossible for me to access professional psychological help. Financial constraints have always been a major obstacle, but even beyond that, my family holds a strong stigma against mental health support. In their view, religion is the ultimate solution to all struggles, and seeking therapy is often dismissed as unnecessary or even shameful. This mindset has created an environment where discussing mental health is not only avoided but actively discouraged. On top of that, the avoidance of topics like religion and politics in many online spaces, including this furry server I join, makes it even harder to express how deeply this affects me. I respect the boundary and am fully aware of it, but it doesn't make it any easier for me at all. * * * Hi, Samuel, So, which Indonesian furry groups have you tried? Have you tried:
As you are aware, living in a Muslim country means you're going to have a tough time being a furry. Frankly, it's amazing that there exists the IWAG, and I heard there was a convention called PAWAI, but it did not have a convention in 2024 and probably won't this year. So, yes, that's rough. The furry community in general overwhelmingly embraces left-leaning, liberal views, such as acceptance of LGBTQIA people. We also believe in mental health. Rough to be in such a conservative culture that finds seeking emotional or mental counseling to be a "weakness." One also finds that attitude in Catholic-dominated countries such as Mexico and conservative countries like Nigeria in Africa. With the limited number of opportunities in Indonesia currently, it will indeed be a challenge for you to connect to your local peers with what is currently available. But you already have hit upon a solution, even if you don't apparently realize it. When you saw a need for it, you cofounded Berbagicerita.id (and kudos to you for doing that!) As you stated, however, getting help from a professional group you helped to found does not really work, ethically speaking. Fortunately, that constraint doesn't apply when it comes to the furry fandom. Here are some examples from my personal experience:
When you see a need for something but you can't find any existing resources and help, create a group, service, or product yourself to fulfill that need! I guarantee that you are not the only Indonesian who is in your predicament. Start a social media page, a vlog, a podcast, a website, or such-like things and get people to come to YOU. I will even help. If you do this and want to promote it, I will give you a free banner ad on my Ask Papabear page and promote it on my social media groups. What say you? Bear Hugs, Papabear * * * Hi, Papabear, Thank you so much for your thoughtful and encouraging response. It truly means a lot to me that you not only took the time to share your experiences but also provided concrete suggestions and support. Honestly, I’ve been reading your site’s “About” section and some of the letters others have sent you, and it’s inspiring to see how much you’ve built for the furry community and the impact you’ve had over the years. It’s clear how deeply you care about creating spaces for people to feel seen and supported, and I really admire that. That said, I also want to be honest about where I’m at emotionally right now. While I deeply admire your “build what you can’t find” philosophy, it feels overwhelming to even imagine taking on that kind of responsibility at this point in my life. I feel like I’m still in the process of finding my own footing and understanding what I need to feel connected and supported. Loneliness and the lack of safe spaces to truly be vulnerable have been long-standing challenges for me. I’ve spent so much of my life navigating environments where being open about my struggles felt unsafe or even impossible, at least when I'm not with my friends which I don't have much, really. The furry fandom feels like one of the few places where acceptance and understanding are deeply valued, which is why I’ve been so drawn to it. But even here, I sometimes feel like I’m standing on the sidelines, watching others find belonging while not knowing how to step in myself without feeling like I’m asking too much. It’s as though everyone else has already traveled miles ahead on their journey of self-acceptance and connection, while I’m still stumbling at the starting line. And the last thing I want is to weigh anyone down by pretending I’ve caught up when I know deep down I haven’t. One thing I’ve realized too is that I know I’ve fallen into this habit of defining myself and my worth through my vulnerabilities—what I consider the “ugly” or broken parts of me. It’s almost as though my struggles with basically everything in this life have become a kind of shorthand for my identity, when in reality, those "ugly" things are only part of who I am. I know I’m not just a collection of struggles; I’m a multifaceted person with dreams, interests, and values that go beyond these challenges. Still, I feel like I’ve let these struggles take up so much space in how I see myself and how I present myself to others, and I guess that's why I'm so desperate for connection... I’ve also been grappling with a deeply rooted sense of what’s “ethical” when it comes to vulnerability, which only amplifies this sense of existential isolation and angst. Even in a space as welcoming and inclusive as the furry community, I can’t seem to shake the fear of being seen as a burden—of overwhelming others with my struggles or taking up too much space. This fear isn’t just fleeting; It's been a part of my principles. This kind of irrational-but- understandable fear has even triggered panic attacks in the past, where the thought of being “too much” for others (or worse, being completely forgotten) has left me paralyzed. It’s a complicated mix of self-awareness and self-doubt, really. On one hand, I recognize my struggles and understand that everyone has limits to how much they can take on emotionally (like people in any Discord server, not just furry). On the other hand, this hyper-awareness makes me hesitate to reach out at all, as if my desire for connection might outweigh someone else’s ability or willingness to hold space for me. It’s like walking a tightrope between craving meaningful relationships and being terrified of what they might cost—whether that cost is pushing someone away, feeling rejected, or confirming my worst fear: that I’m fundamentally too much to handle. Underneath all this is a deeper longing to break free from cycles of hatred, both external and internal. I’m exhausted from hating parts of myself that I didn’t choose and from feeling like those same parts make me an outsider. And I’m equally tired of the unspoken battles with judgment, both within myself and from others, that make vulnerability feel like a double-edged sword. I just want to exist as I am—flawed, complex, and human—without fear that my authenticity will hurt or alienate the very people I want to connect with. But then again, vulnerability is not always appreciated, and boundaries exist, and I can’t expect everyone to have the capacity or the energy to handle what I bring to the table. And since I'm too self-aware of everything, I understand that very well. and I deeply respect people’s right to protect their own emotional well-being. But at the same time, it’s hard not to wonder where that leaves me—how I can navigate these boundaries without shutting myself off entirely. I want to honor both my needs and the needs of others, but finding that balance feels like an impossible puzzle one of these digital days. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m looking for guidance on how to move forward when it feels like everything is weighing me down. How do I approach building meaningful connections without being consumed by fear or self-doubt? How do I allow myself to be vulnerable in ways that feel healthy and ethical, for both myself and those around me? And perhaps most importantly, how do I stop defining myself by my struggles and instead learn to embrace the full scope of who I am? Thank you again for your kindness and for offering to help. Your willingness to listen and share your wisdom has already made me feel a little less alone, and I’m incredibly grateful for that. Sincere Hugs, Samuel * * * Dear Samuel, I understand that creating a social group and leading it is not for everyone. Don't feel bad about that. Next question: What do you feel are your "vulnerabilities" and "weaknesses"? What qualities do you feel others are judging you for--and, more importantly--are YOU judging yourself for? pbear * * * Dear Papabear, To answer your question, I would say that my vulnerabilities often lie in how deeply I feel and experience things. It’s like I’m constantly walking around with raw emotions, sometimes even when I don’t want to. It makes it difficult to function normally or engage with others without feeling like my emotions are too overwhelming, not just for me, but for those around me too. I find myself hyper-aware of this, as if my emotional intensity might somehow spill over into every interaction or space I enter, which is one of the reasons I’ve often kept my struggles hidden or downplayed them. I also judge myself for the times when I feel like I’m too much to handle. Whether it’s being too vulnerable, too emotional, or too open about my challenges, there’s this constant nagging voice that tells me I’m asking too much from others. It's like there’s always this internal weighing of whether my need for connection is valid or just a burden. That makes me hold back from being authentic sometimes, because I fear that if I let it all show, people will pull away or even look at me with pity or judgment. I think I also carry around this fear of being judged for the very parts of me I find hardest to accept—my flaws, my mental health struggles, and the moments when I just feel lost. It’s hard to separate those things from my identity, and I often wonder if others are seeing me through that lens, too. I’m afraid that I’m defined only by the parts of me I wish I could change or get rid of. But at the same time, I know that these “vulnerabilities” don’t define me as a whole person. They’re just pieces of a larger puzzle that I haven’t fully figured out yet. That’s why I sometimes feel so conflicted about being vulnerable—because I’m still trying to make sense of it all, to figure out which parts of me deserve to be seen and shared, and which parts need more healing before they can be part of my connection with others. I’m still young and learning how to balance those feelings and not let them take up all the space in my life. I want to move toward a place where I can accept both the beauty and the brokenness of who I am, and where I don’t feel so deeply judged by myself or by others for being human. I hope this gives you a clearer sense of what I’m grappling with, and I look forward to hearing your thoughts. Apologies in advance if everything about my letter getting too heavy or philosophical at this point. Warmly, Samuel * * * Hi, Samuel, My next question is perhaps rather obvious: Have you ever been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum? Pbear * * * Hi, Papabear No, I have not. I've never been diagonosed with anything (neurologically and psychologically). Samuel * * * Tell me, do you have any of these symptoms? Signs and Symptoms of Autism Spectrum Disorder | Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) | CDC pbear * * * I've just read the website. I don't think I used to display any of these symptoms back when I was a kid because I wasn't afraid to make friends back then. I just asked my mom and she said I've been shy since I was a baby. She also said that I'm always the one approached first and not the one approaching, that I'd even hide behind people if I make eye contact. I guess looking back at the friendships I made during my school years, even now that I've finished college, it makes sense. Samuel * * * Well, it sounds like you are simply shy, which is different from being autistic, of course. I was very shy as a child, too, and as a teen. I was terrified of speaking in public, but I overcame this. How? By becoming a zoo docent. A docent, if you don't know, is a volunteer who talks to guests about exhibits, such as at museums and zoos. I was a docent at the Detroit Zoo and then the Potter Park Zoo in Lansing, Michigan. To be a docent, you have to take a class to learn about the animals on exhibit and also basics of zoology and the environment. When you finish the class, you can give tours and school visits and other presentations for the zoo society, which, of course, means public speaking. The reasons why this helped me overcome my fear of speaking in front of groups were that I knew the subject matter and I cared about what I was telling people. Once you have these factors in your pocket, it dramatically reduces your fears because you gain confidence in your material. At least, that was true in my case. I think it was for others, too. To reduce shyness, you therefore require confidence in yourself. How does one accomplish this? Several ways:
How does this solve your problem? You will find it true that people who are desperate for companionship exude an air of desperation that is offputting to others and drives them away. When you are no longer desperate for company, people gravitate to you. There is something extremely attractive about someone who is comfortable in their own skin. They feel genuine, and genuine people tend not to be fakes and liars, which is also very appealing. Even though you still have the issue of limited socializing opportunities in Indonesia, this is the start of helping you not only to connect to others but also to not feel desperate when you do not do so quickly because you are fine on your own. He who is comfortable being alone with himself will never be lonely. Thoughts? pbear * * * Dear Papabear, I’ve read through your suggestions carefully, and I've written and rewritten this reply for almost three hours. I have to admit that you’ve hit on some truths I’ve been reluctant to fully admit to myself. I'm not just shy, but I do also struggle with overcoming shyness itself, though I think my situation is also worsened by a history of overthinking, self-hatred, and self-doubt that often spirals into fear of judgment or rejection. What you’re saying about mindfulness, self-acceptance, and letting go of the need for external validation, however, really resonates with me, even if it feels like a steep hill to climb right now. I think one of my biggest challenges is the constant internal push-and-pull between wanting to connect deeply with others and fearing that I’m too much to handle. It’s like I know, intellectually, that I shouldn’t define myself by other people’s perceptions or approval, but emotionally, it’s harder to internalize that. You’re right: this fear of rejection and the pressure to “be enough” causes me to act in ways that probably come across as desperate, even if I don’t mean to. Your reminder that self-confidence and authenticity naturally draw people in is going to be something I’ll try to keep in mind as I work on myself. Your story about being a zoo docent was also comforting to hear. I think a big part of my struggle is that I’ve let my fears hold me back from taking those kinds of risks; whether it’s joining a group or starting a conversation. Reading about how you overcame your shyness reminds me that change is possible, but only if I’m willing to take the first step voluntarily. You're also... very right about how I spend a lot of time in my head, analyzing every little thing I say or do and how others might interpret it. This overthinking keeps me stuck and prevents me from taking meaningful action, whether it’s pursuing friendships or simply allowing myself to enjoy the moment. Reflecting on this now reminds me of the time I used to struggle a lot with anger, which I'm pretty sure may have been linked to undiagnosed intermittent explosive disorder (IED) and was heavily influenced by my environment. Growing up, my "family dynamics" played a big role in shaping my emotional responses. Constant tension, my parents’ fights, and the emotional outlet my brother and I became... I experienced punishment, neglect, or criticism over small things, like getting wet in the rain or taking a bath "clumsily," and that emotional strain built up over time. As I got older and my brother distanced himself, I became even more isolated in my frustration. While I can acknowledge how my environment influenced me, I also realize that I was the agent of my own anger; just as I am right now the agent of my own criticism. It was exhausting, and at some point, I just decided to let go because I don't want to be like my mother, although she's better now despite her still-suffocating religious principles. I still have moments of irritation, of course, but they’re far less intense than they used to be. And now, thinking about what you’ve said, I realize how much mental space I still give to these loops of self-reflection—why this, why that. Maybe just like I stop letting my anger control me, I should also stop letting my crticisms control me. Maybe I should also internalize the idea that I don't want to be what my parents made me do to myself. Maybe I should also admit that it’s mentally draining to constantly question whether I’ve shared too much or if my vulnerability is a burden to others. I think my shyness often comes from this fear of opening up too far, too fast, and then being judged for it. Perhaps I should care less about whether I’ve revealed too much or if others are silently judging me. Maybe that way I can actually start to connect with people in a way that feels genuine instead of forced or guarded. Do it not too slow, not too fast, but just the right amount: at its own pace. Finally, your point about being “alone” vs. “lonely” really hit home. I’ve always struggled to be comfortable in my own company, and it often turns into brooding or self-criticism rather than a chance to recharge. I’m realizing that if I can be at peace with my own presence, it’ll help with everything else—self-acceptance, confidence, and connecting with others without relying on validation. Thank you again for your kindness and honesty. You’ve given me a lot to think about and work on, and while I know change won’t happen overnight, I feel like I have a much better sense of where to start now. Warmly, Samuel * * * Hi, Samuel, Well, I don't think I said this would be easy. I really only started to come into my own truth about 10 years ago. I spent 50 years feeling miserable and trying to please others. It never works. You have to be who you are and accept who you are. IMHO, one of the best paths to do this is to learn about Buddhism. Buddhism is a philosophy, not a religion, and teaches us mindfulness and acceptance of ourselves and the universe. Another good path is Wicca, which is a modern version of traditional "pagan" beliefs as they were once followed by the Druids. You can also study the Stoics, which I have found helpful. Good luck to you. Pbear
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Papabear,
I find it really hard to connect with people in the fandom, I moved to a place where i hoped it be easier for me to make fandom friends but it seems like conversation just die out and i have been unable to make meaningful connections. I went to my first meetups this year and every time it feels like im just wandering about, It doesn't help that im a very introverted and anxious person. How do people make so many friends that it always seems like they are chatting with someone during cons/meetups? Anonymous (age 31) * * * Dear Furiend, Yes, breaking down that wall can be a challenge, especially if you are a shy person. It can be harder for older furries over 30, too, because so many in the fandom are in their teens and twenties. The people you see at conventions clustered in little groups likely were friends before they got there. It truly is much more fun to go to a con or a meet if you already know people and can hang out with them. Some of my best memories are going to the now-defunct Califur with my friend Cyberbear and others. When walking into an environment filled with people you don't know, you need something to "break the ice." To do this, you can't be shy. You know how uncomfortable it can be to see a nervous person on stage trying to talk in front of an audience and they make mistakes and their hands shake and their voice quavers? People have a hard time watching that. The same goes for crowds of people at parties. If you look at your shoes, hem and haw, sound nervous, etc., people will be uncomfortable and, though they might be polite to you, they will want to move away from you. So, you really do need to be confident in yourself. It should, hopefully, help that you're in a room with a lot of people who share your interests, which brings me to the next point: Finding something in common and using that to start a conversation. It helps that all these people at a convention or meet are literally wearing their personalities on the outside. Whether it is a fursuit or a shirt with logos of a favorite band or TV show, you can easily spot what they like. You can start conversations with things like, "I love your fursuit! Did you make it or is it a commission? etc. etc." If they are wearing, say, a Star Trek shirt, you can say you're a Trekker and strike up a conversation that way. It is important that, when doing this, you try not to dominate the conversation. Ask a lot of questions and show an interest in them as a person. Oh, you can also maybe draw people to you based on what you are wearing. The same applies if you are observing an activity. Most cons or other gatherings have game rooms. If you enjoy gaming, you can certainly see if you can join in on a board or card or video game with others. Once you get your foot in the door, keep asking questions and talking and see where the conversation goes. Let it wander from topic to topic and don't try to control the conversation. If things go well, see if you can't invite them to join you for some noms or accompany you to a party room. Remember, most people love to talk about themselves. Be a good listener. As for overcoming anxiety in the first place, before you approach someone, try taking a few deep, cleansing breaths. Try to find people who look promising that they would share some commonalities with you. Rehearse a little in your head how you will introduce yourself. Also, especially at cons, there are often forums and talks involving special interest groups such as a meet for railroading aficionados or TikTok video makers or Kimba the White Lion fans or whatever. Check out the furcon program and see if you can find something suitable for you and participate! Since you are 31, you are of age to join my Facebook Greymuzzle group if you like. Just go here https://www.facebook.com/groups/greymuzzles and you will see over 4,000 furries in your age group. Let me know if you have further question. Good Luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
Over the past several years, I have made a good life for myself. I own my own house, my own car, I have a successful career as an electrical engineer for a prominent aerospace company. I am heavily involved in my local church. On my off time, I like to explore my creative hobbies. From the outside, I look like a very successful bachelor who has it all together, but I've been secretly struggling with an issue that has plagued me since I was 10, one that I could never ever admit to the people around me. I am secretly an infantilist (ABDL/babyfur etc.). The TL;DR [too long, didn't read] is that I have an extreme fascination with basically anything that is "babyish" (diapers, pacifiers, baby bottles, etc.). I even have a small collection of ABDL-style diapers, pacifiers, onesies, stuffed animals, and baby bottles that I have hidden in my bedroom that I like to wear and play with on a regular basis. For some reason, I find the idea of being 2 years old again really comforting. It makes me feel safe and innocent and cute, and I often fantasize about another man taking care of me in that way. But even though I feel these things, whenever I "act out" in the privacy of my own home, I also feel equally very horrified and disturbed by it. I find myself regretting it and hating myself, sometimes crying and losing my cool over doing these things and having these feelings. What is worse is that very recently, I have noticed that whenever I'm in "Little Time" for too long, I start shaking and experiencing panic attacks, sometimes experiencing disturbing and hazy flashbacks to when I was 3 years old, and my mom pulling me out of daycare out of concern for my safety (I asked her some time ago about what happened there, but all she would tell me was that she thinks I may have been abused and just "wished she had found the evidence needed to sue them into oblivion"). I don't know who I can talk to about this. No one in my local circle of friends knows I'm into the ABDL thing (nor would any of them understand or want to understand what it is without being grossed out and disowning me). I confessed to a couple of friends in a furry Discord I'm in, and they have been compassionate and accepting, but I don't know them in person. As for others who are ABDL, I don't really interact with others in that community (outside of maybe a couple of babyfur meet & greets at some of the fur cons I've been to). I just feel alone, living a double life with a weird attachment towards something that feels like it hurts me more than helps me. And I don't know what I should do about it, and no one to really talk to about it. I tried seeking psychological help for it, and while it has helped me get over the feelings of shame, it still hasn't changed my desires all that much. I still wear diapers and I still find myself clinging to these infantile desires, and I don't know what to do. Should I just accept this ABDL thing as just who I am, despite it hurting me and keeping me alone, or should I keep trying to free myself from it? Anonymous * * * Dear Furiend, Thank you for having the courage to write about this sensitive matter and your experience with ABDL (for any of my readers who don't know, ABDL = Adult Baby Diaper Lover). It's important to first note that--similar to the confusion outsiders have with furries--this is not a sexual fetish. Rather, it is an outward expression of an inner emotional and psychological desire to return to a simpler time and also to feel cared for. It is a desire to destress from the complications of adult life. It is easy to see that you, as a very responsible person with a career and material successes, probably deal with a lot of stress from the burden of many adult responsibilities. In this way, ABDL shares something with many furries in that this practice is a way to forget about things like bills, taxes, work deadlines, rent, health care, politics, etc. etc. Now, ABDL should be distinguished from infantilism in that the latter is about fantasizing that one is a baby while ABDL can just mean that one indulges in wearing diapers and having other childish possessions such as plushies (another parallel here is plushophiles vs. ABDL; again, not the same thing), having a pacifier, wearing onesies, drinking from a baby bottle, etc. It sounds like you are both ABDL and some infantilism. You find the above comforting because these things reduce your stress from the workaday world. Unfortunately for you, indulging in your little fantasy is bringing up an early trauma of being abused in a daycare facility. This is really sad that your one pressure valve to relieve stress can in and of itself cause stress because of what happened to you as a little kid! You say you sought help from a psychologist, but it didn't help much. I believe that is because you were focused on your feelings of shame about diapers. What you should have explored with the therapist was your childhood trauma. This is definitely something you need to confront and resolve. If, with the help of a trained counselor, you can overcome this trauma, it should cause the panic attacks to go away. It might even cause the ABDL to go away, too, if the desire to be an infant is an attempt by your inner psyche to erase the traumatic experience and replace it with a more comforting image of what your young childhood should have been. But if the ABDL doesn't go away, that's fine, too. You really should seek out (again) a support system of some sort, though. You might try some babyfur groups within the furry community to start like this one. I also found this website called Tykables that is kind of interesting. It is a merchant that caters to the ABDL community, so it is, indeed, selling products, but it also has social websites at Facebook, X, and Instagram as well as a YouTube channel and newsletter. Finally, because at least part of your attraction to ABDL may have something to do with the stress of adult life, I think it would be a good idea to explore other ways to relax. Exercise (swimming, jogging) are excellent, as well as meditation, yoga, nature hikes, biking, and so on. You might also spend more time exploring other facets of the furry community that are not about babyfurs, such as gaming, fursuiting, movies, cartoons, writing, and art. So, in summary, I would recommend seeking a good therapist who specializes in childhood trauma; I would recommend finding some social support of like-minded people; and I would recommend finding other avenues for de-stressing yourself from work and daily life. Bottom line, though, is that if you are not hurting anyone, you should not feel ashamed of things you like to do or wear or be. Definitely try to resolve your childhood trauma, but other than that, you're okay. Bear Hugs! Papabear Dear Papabear:
My 11-year-old brother has come out to me as a gay furry. I was pretty taken aback, I won’t lie, but I tried to be supportive/encouraging and thanked him for confiding in me. But I’m worried about his safety in the furry community, which I am completely unfamiliar with but concerned about since he is only 11 years old and has put his username as "boy kisser" on some furry website. I am worried about bad people within the community taking advantage of him. He’s at a vulnerable age and has unlimited internet access pretty much 24/7 and my parents don’t see that as an issue. I also don’t want to out him to them in case they make him feel alienated from his hobby and/or his sexuality. It’s not my job to parent him, but how do I talk to him about safety within the furry community? How do I talk to my parents to ensure they take his safety seriously whilst being understanding of his hobby? Kind Regards, Sera (age 21) * * * Dear Sera, You are a good sister. Although, yeah, you're not his mom, older siblings often work as surrogate parents. You are not obligated to be his parent, but you're doing great as an older sibling. Anyway, when it comes to supervision, that's on your parents. And it isn't just about the furry community. Being online in general--furry or not--can be dangerous for kids who are as young as your brother (or older, too, honestly). There are all kinds of criminal, unsavory, bullying, and harmful people out there. Yes, there are definitely some in the furry community (mostly, I believe, these are pedos and other nasties who aren't really furry but they infiltrate the community to prey on vulnerable innocent kids, often luring them with porn). I do recommend you talk to your parents, reminding them that unsupervised access to the internet leaves your brother vulnerable to predators, cyberbullies, and pedos (this is regardless of his being a furry and gay). Your parents are not alone in shirking their responsibilities in this area. As this PR Newswire story explains, about half of all American parents do not supervise their kids. That is a big mistake. Would your parents let your 11-year-old brother walk down a dark alley in a city with porn shops and adult video arcades? I doubt they would. The internet is the same thing. Make a wrong turn and you're in a dark place where you are in danger even though you're sitting at a desk, warm and comfy in your own home (see https://www.familyorbit.com/blog/the-risks-of-unsupervised-internet-access-for-kids-and-teens/). Some resources you can recommend for them include:
In summation, the important issue here is keeping your brother safe. I know you're worried about outing him as gay or a furry, but that is really secondary. Honestly, at 11 years old, your brother is still exploring who he is, so we shouldn't draw any conclusions about that. It is important that parents perform a balancing act between keeping their kids safe yet allowing them to grow as people and not restricting them so much that they feel like they are being punished or that their mom and dad don't like them. It's hard! Being a parent is hard! But they need to try their best. Finally, here is an editorial I wrote about the whole issue: https://www.askpapabear.com/letters/my-final-word-on-minors-in-the-fandom. Thank you for being a caring sister. Write again if you need to, and I promise I will respond more quickly now that I have recovered from the holidays. Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I’m an artist. During the course of my yet short career I’ve naturally been making friends (or co-existing in friendly terms, with most) with other artists and clients and it has been excellent so far. However, a few days ago I was made aware of a rather difficult situation that has been making rounds in my head ever since. Turns out one of these persons has covered up and remains friends with someone who was outed as a child groomer some time ago, and doing something about it wouldn’t pose a problem for me if it weren’t for the fact that said person (the one who’s friends with the predator) lives an incredibly active social life and is also friends with the vast majority of artists and clients I’m also friends with. I know some of them are aware of this fact, while some others aren’t. The whole group of people goes around connecting with tons and tons of people in different artist owned servers, including mine, so it’s really weird to look at them and have to suspect everyone all of a sudden. I don’t know what to do about this. I don’t want to be the reason a lot of these people end up fighting each other. I don’t even know if it’s something I should meddle with to begin with. They’ve been friends with each other for far longer than I have. I’ve only known them since this past year and I feel like a complete outsider to the overall group and the whole situation. I’m not a really big artist. I know that if I spoke up I would probably be eaten alive and that I don’t stand a chance against a group as big as this in my current state, including that I would probably lose a lot of friends in the process. I know they have harassed people in the past because of stuff like this. It’s scary to think that most of my support would completely disappear if I make the wrong move, especially considering that being from a third world country with an ever dying economy, making art on the internet is my only chance of living a slightly better life. Furthermore, I have plans of moving countries in the future. I'm incredibly scared of the criminality rate of my current place and many people are murdered just in my city alone each year, so I'd go as far as to think my physical health is in danger if I don't move out quickly and art is the thing that will help me on that. My question is, if someone knows that something around them is bad but doesn't have the power to do anything about it, does that make them equally as bad? I don’t like the idea of allowing these people to keep existing in my space but, is it valid when it’s for the sake of keeping a low profile for self preservation? I would love to have your opinion on this matter, and I deeply appreciate your time. Thank you. Anonymous (age 23) * * * Dear Furiend, Interesting question. I assume that by "child" you mean someone who is not of legal age to consent to sex. So, first of all, this is, of course, illegal if we are talking actual sex. Now, you are from outside the USA, apparently, but I don't know where the other parties are. Are they in the United States? If this is criminal behavior outside your own country, it's rather difficult to report. Another thing to consider is evidence. Is there any solid evidence for what is being claimed or is it just internet chatter? There is a lot of posting on social websites that is complete and utter baloney, and you don't want to contribute to that rumor mill. I'm looking at posts you shared with me on Twitter [not shared here], and even the person making the accusations is using words like "allegedly." I'm also reading these tweets, one of them saying the minor is 17 versus the groomer being 27. Seventeen (and 16), actually, is legal age in 41 of the states in the USA, with 18 being the age of consent in the other nine states. So, if all parties concerned are in one of the 41 states, it's really not a crime. As for "grooming," it sounds as if the older person is supplying the younger person with pornographic images to try and get them aroused. It is illegal in the USA to show minors pornography, and by "minor," we are again dealing with different laws in different states. So, again, if they aren't in one of those 9 states, it's not illegal. What WOULD be illegal in ALL 50 states would be to have the young person, who is under 18, pose for naked photos or be in a porno film. So, you see, this can be complicated. As for you making posts about it on, say, art social groups on the internet, I'd say that's unnecessary. Someone other than you has already, clearly, posted a lot about this. There is no obligation to you to warn people and, honestly, it's kind of none of your business. Also, as you said, your posting about it would not help the matter in any way. And, no, you are not a bad person for not raising a flag. You are not the Police of the World's Bad Behavior. I'm glad you sent me this query as it highlights a problem I see all the time online: People think that it is their job to condemn people vocally on the internet whenever someone does something they consider bad or questionable. The reason this is a problem is that most of the time people are making accusations based on assumptions, rumors, gossip, and opinion, and when you participate in the rumor mill, the result can be the destruction of an innocent person's reputation--or worse. Furthermore, if you are proven wrong, you end up destroying your own respectability and looking like a fool. Do yourself a favor and stay out of the public forum of dirty laundry. If someone has, indeed, done something immoral or criminal, believe me, people will find out without your help. Now, if someone does something to YOU that is criminal, you obviously should report it to the authorities. That's a no-brainer. Or, if they are simply being an asshole to you, the solution is to cut them out of your life, forget about them, and move on. And if a friend of yours is being hurt, you should go to them in private and offer them your support. The internet has become a dung heap of trash-talk and lies. Don't become one of the flies attracted by the stench. Bear Hugs, Papabear Hey, Papabear,
Where can you find a website for young furs? I try to go to furry websites but they always say you have to be 18 or older. I need a break from that. I wish I had furry friends to make online, and I just want young furs like me to have fun online too. I look at every furry website, but no young furs are allowed, so please make a website. Peanut Butter (age 8) * * * Dear Peanut Butter, You are 8 years old, so I am guessing you are not aware of furry history. You see, the furry fandom began back in the 1970s, when a number of sci-fi and comic book fans decided to start making art and writing stories featuring "funny animals" but with adult themes (mostly violence and mature situations, but sometimes involving sex). "Funny animals" are what people used to call talking animals in cartoons such as Bugs Bunny and Mighty Mouse. Anyway, the whole point of furry was to have talking animal characters featured in more mature stories. Now, this doesn't mean X-rated stories, necessarily. There was a lot of sci-fi stuff such as in the now-classic Albedo series. But there was also stuff with more sexual situations, such as the Omaha: The Cat Dancer comic books. As the fandom matured, more and more X-rated stuff has entered websites and publications and, no, it is not suitable for kids under 18. The demographics (who is in the fandom in terms of age, gender, race, etc. etc.) have been evolving a lot over the last couple of decades. While the majority of furries are still people in their late-teens and twenties (mostly male and white, but there are more women getting involved, as well as non-Caucasian furries), more and more furries are older and more and more are quite young. Furries such as you probably enjoy anthro characters in Disney and Pixar cartoons and films, of course, and then you find out about furries by stumbling upon them online or perhaps hearing about furries from a friend. Anyway, you are not looking for X-rated art. You just want to have fun adopting a fursona and perhaps having some online RPG adventures. Unfortunately, at this time, there are no social networking sites like FurAffinity or SoFurry that are specifically for cubfurs, especially as young as you. I would LOVE to design and run such a site (and thank you for asking and thinking I could) but I have neither the time nor technical know-how to do so. I do keep my eyes out for such things on the Web, though, and you can be sure I will write about it if I hear anything. In the meantime, there are still fun things you can do to meet furries in the virtual world. If your parents are okay with it, you can play online RP and other games such as Furcadia (just stay away from the Furrabian Nights adult section, but almost everything else is kid-friendly). You can roleplay while also meeting other furries. Here are some other games you might find enjoyable, many of which offer ways to chat with furries playing the game with you online (some are better for older kids, and some for younger kids):
Many furries meet other furries by playing such games, no matter what their age. In fact, it was in the early days of FurryMuck that contributed greatly to the growth of the fandom back in the 1980s. So, I would recommend you not worry about such places as FurAffinity and instead start playing some furry games. THEN! Get an account on Discord.com, which is a place where you can hang out and chat with people about your favorite games. Good luck! Papabear Hello, Papabear!
Sorry for being secretive with some of my info, I'm an overly cautious otter. This isn't so much as a problem but more of asking for directions. I noticed fat furries are scarce and Google isn't a great help, I'm afraid. So, do you happen to know where fat furries can be found? (I'm a fat otter.) Similarly, I find it hard to find "greymuzzles"--both those who've been in the fandom since around the beginning and those who are at least in their 40s. In fact, you're the only person I know of, if you identify as a greymuzzle. ... Know what? I'll turn this into a "problem" I usually see you answer. Specifically, I am interested in dating fat furries and/or grey-muzzles (in the latter case, they needn't be fat furries themselves, just like fat furries), but want to keep it an online relationship/friendship for a long while. When I was searching, I found some forums and deduced that there are many young furries, and sadly, the usual discussion is about games, playing games together, watching movies, other hobby activities. I find these superficial because you cannot really get to know someone through the media they consume/games they play. Also, and this is only a very personal opinion, I find it difficult to identify with young furries because they are very immature. How do you view them? What trends have you observed running this website? I'd rather speak with someone who has the mindset of a member of the old furry fandom. Shelly Otter * * * Dear Shelly, There are many chubby furries and greymuzzles in the fandom. I guess you didn't know, but I run the Greymuzzles Facebook group which has nearly 1,900 members currently, all over 30 years (you're too young to join, sadly, sorry). There are also several fat furry fan pages on Facebook. One way to meet mature furries, if you can't find a group you like on a social media site (try Furry Amino, too), is to contact the artists who draw stuff you like and start chatting with them. Many, though not all, of course, who draw fat or older furs are also chubby or older, or they know furries who fit that mold and maybe could connect you. This way, you could start networking and create a circle of friends. And don't forget you have the power to start your own social group anywhere online and start inviting people to join it. I understand both your interests, actually. I, too, am attracted to hefty furries, and I, too, enjoy conversations with older furries who want to talk about things other than video games or having sex. How do I feel about younger furries? Well, gotta remember that I was a young guy once, too, and enjoyed games and, well, I guess the sex thing is still on the table LOL. But, seriously, I'm fine with furries of all ages, and many of them are bright, talented, and have diverse interests. I enjoy chatting with greymuzzles simply because we have more in common, having grown up with similar experiences, and, sadly, I don't keep up with a lot of the new music artists out there (although it seems to me that the best new music is found online by independent artists and not produced by big record companies—just an observation). Because the fandom is getting older (the modern fandom has been around for half a century now), we are now seeing second- and third-generation furries. The Old Guard, as I call them, and even 2Gen furries often grouse about the younger furries who are slowly changing the fandom. Long gone are the days of APA publications and things like fursuit etiquette are falling by the wayside, which disturbs a lot of the older fans. What we all need to realize is that things change, and as the fandom grows from a few dozen fans of anthro cartoons into tens of thousands of people worldwide, it has become a very different animal. The thing to remember is that we are all just here to have some creative fun. Instead of finding things that divide us into subgroups and cliques, we should celebrate and enjoy our commonalities, which, in our case, is the love of anthropomorphic characters. So, even though we might have preferences, we should not dismiss the chance to make new friends with people who don't necessarily fall into our desired specs because we might actually learn new things from them, which, in turn, will make us more open-minded and interesting people ourselves. As for your comment that you can't get to know someone by the games they play--in reality, the games people play say a lot about them. You might not get a lot of personal details, but there is a big difference between someone who is obsessed with first-person-shooter games versus someone who plays Words with Friends and Candy Crush Saga; similarly, someone who is obsessed with World of Warcraft of Dungeons & Dragons is probably a lot more interesting than someone who only plays Angry Birds (not dissing Angry Birds, it's fun, but you get what I'm saying, hopefully). Massively Multiplayer Online Games, as you likely know, include forums and audio and you can interact with a lot of people there. I used to play around with Second Life a lot, meeting a number of furries. In fact, the whole idea of fursonas grew out of online role play, making such games an important part of furry history and culture. I've nattered on too long. The point is, really, not to allow ourselves to stereotype entire groups of people. Not all young furs (you're an example) are into gaming, you just have to spend a bit more time looking. And there are plenty of older, chub furries out there. You might try some furry dating sites such as FurryMate or Ferzu (Pounced is, sadly, no more), and just put yourself out there, explaining what you're looking for. With a little tenacity, you'll find it. Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
This is the second time I have written to you. During my studies, and even before, when I grew bored of TV series, I turned to following world news, American news, and some conservative Internet commentators. Through these, I learned about the Social Justice Warrior movement and its misguided ways. The extremist members of this movement propagate hate against white people. Is it really ok to hate based on ethnicity? Why did the term "people of color" come to existence with the meaning of non-white people? Is white not a color? If not, then why is black considered a color in this sense? For both white and black are considered shades, not true colors, in art. SJWs connect "whiteness" to the colonizers of the Americas and not only to them, they extend the meaning to all Europeans, a crude generalization and racism on their part. One might ask the question why is it that they only view white people as not belonging to America when, in fact, African slaves were brought there to replace "the Indians" (native Americans), because they couldn't handle the burden of slavery well. So, in this sense everyone except native Americans should get out of your continent, the thought of which is quite absurd. Even so, why do they think it is ok to blame the younger generation for the sins of the older? When commentators speak about gender and race issues, they make it sound like that SJWs are everywhere and pose a big problem. Because I'm not living there, I have limited means of gathering information. So, I would like to ask you: how widespread is this belief in your society, especially in the furry fandom, since it's known to be one of the most accepting fandoms? Do people get hung up on chasing nonexistent offences, intolerantly preaching tolerance, or is it just a magnified issue which doesn't come up as often? What is your opinion about this in general? Yours Truly, Farkas Ürdüng (23, Hungary) * * * Dear Farkas, I think it was comedian Eddie Murphy who did a humorous stand-up routine about color. Talking about white people, he noted, “When white people get cold, they turn blue; when they get angry, they turn red; when they get sick, they might get yellow or green, but when black people are cold or angry or sick, they’re still black. Seems to me white people are the ones who are colored” *snerk*. Your letter seems to entangle two separate issues: social justice warriors and white guilt. They are not always the same. SJWs are objects of criticism because they are a form of troll, using insincere outrage over things they have heard are not politically correct and then having vitriolic fits about them online to score social justice points, so they will be seen as popular. Such people only do their “activism” online and do not do anything constructive in the real world to effect real change. In other words, they are frauds. Their use of politically correct mantras is just a tool for trolling; they don’t truly care about the issues they complain about. Let’s move on to the politically correct movement in America and white guilt. Here is an extremely brief overview of the history behind it: As you are likely aware, the United States has a long history of oppressing other races, especially African Americans and Native Americans, but also other groups, including Chinese and Japanese immigrants, LGBT people, and, of course, women (who weren’t even allowed to vote until 1920, long after black men were “technically” permitted to vote, though many factors made this difficult, such as Jim Crow laws). Beginning with the 1960s Counterculture Movement, which centered in universities, especially those in New England and the West Coast (University of California, Berkeley, was the epicenter), and the Civil Rights Movement led by such figures as Martin Luther King Jr., there was a strong reaction against the injustices perpetrated against minority groups. A dissonance needed to be resolved between these injustices and the American image of being “land of the free and home of the brave.” Obviously, unless you were a white male, most Americans didn’t even start to experience real freedom until just the last few decades of our history. [Side note: your statement that “African slaves were brought there to replace ‘the Indians’ (native Americans), because they couldn't handle the burden of slavery well” is untrue. Indians experienced slavery, it’s true, under the Europeans, but when it comes to Americans they were more often slaughtered, run off their lands, and put in re-education schools where they were forbidden to use their native languages. Africans were brought in to work the fields, primarily in the South, although a number of Northerners had slaves until those states started making it illegal. In other words, the Indians (who were perfectly capable of being slaves and often were [especially under Spain]) were mostly seen as a people to be exterminated (they posed a challenge to the white American concept of Manifest Destiny), while the Africans were considered a labor resource.] After generations of work by civil rights leaders, America made progress in its laws to finally treat minorities better. As with any tidal change in society, there are reactionary forces led by about half of America (at least) that is still extremely prejudiced towards these groups. But because it was no longer legal (or at least ignored) in American society to be overtly prejudiced and abusive towards these groups, they kind of went underground. An example: before the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in favor of same-sex marriages, the state of Michigan passed a state constitution amendment banning such unions. Before it went to a vote, however, polls indicated that most Michiganders were against the amendment. You see, even though the polls were anonymous, people didn’t want to be seen as prejudiced, but when they entered the voting booths, they voted for what was really in their hearts: hate. The same is true with racism in many parts of this country. For example, local leaders in some southern states have removed voting centers in areas with black majorities to make it harder for them to vote, but they say the reason is because they need to cut election costs. Now, with a racist jackass inhabiting the White House and a majority of minority-hating Republicans in Congress, hateful Americans everywhere have felt empowered to once again spout their prejudices (currently, it is mostly aimed at Muslims from Arabic countries and at immigrants from Africa, the Middle East, and south of the border). Republican leaders justify their actions by labeling Muslim minorities as terrorists and immigrants from Mexico and Central America and other points south as moochers stealing money from American taxpayers. The words on the Statue of Liberty have no meaning to right-wing people. To point out your correct observation that all Americans are either immigrants or descended from immigrants (except for Indians [and, by the way, it is okay to call them Indians], who got here first), conservative politicians and other Americans do acknowledge this, it is just that they would prefer our immigrants to come from places like—as Trump requested—Norway, which he considers to be not a “shithole country.” The problem there is that people in Norway are generally much happier than Americans and have no compelling reason to flock here en masse. Like a game of ping-pong, with the counter-revolution of white conservatives on the rise, you are now getting a counter-counter-revolution of left-wingers and those who are obsessed with political correctness, and part of this political correctness is a self-loathing (if you are white) for all the injustices of the past, even if you weren’t personally responsible for them. This is why Columbus Day is celebrated less and less and why there was a recent movement to destroy monuments to Confederate leaders. As we bounce back and forth, the two extremes become more and more extreme, while moderates in the middle become scarce. Today, we have a deeply divided nation that is literally (judging by voting) a 50/50 split between liberals and conservatives. Add to this the fact that we have lost the ability to compromise in Congress, and that social media encourages people to express hostile opinions without having to hear counterarguments, and you have a real mess on your hands. Social Justice Warriors are just one symptom of a much larger issue: a country that is as divided today as it was just before the U.S. Civil War and all that this implies. Some states, such as California and Texas, are even mulling over the possibilities of seceding from the union—something that is becoming a possibility because of the lack of true leadership in Washington, D.C. As for the furry community, it is well established that its members tend toward the left, politically speaking, though there are some conservatives within the fandom, which would imply that there may be more SJW people in the fandom than in the general population (I have no statistics on this, however; it’s just a hunch). I believe that the SJW phenomenon is one restricted, for the most part, to the online world. Mostly, this is people raging against the wind to little or no effect. I find it an annoyance that is easily ignored and avoided. Much more important than the impotent SJW population is the very real fact that the United States is in serious trouble—politically, socially, economically. Indeed, this is coming to a head involving the Constitution and the power of the Executive Branch, which, at this point, could go one of two ways: 1) in the 2018 and 2020 elections Americans start to regain their senses and bring back some sanity to Washington, or 2) we go the way of Nazi Germany and descend into a dictatorship that would mark the end of the United States as we know it. And how are things in Hungary? Papabear Dear Papabear,
I'm hoping you could shed some light on a personal issue I've been having for some time now. I've been involved with the fandom for nearly 12 years and the people and community have been a key part of my life through the most critical stages so far. This is how I came across your page actually, and I feel like If I can trust anyone's opinion it would be another fur's. My problem is that I feel very disconnected from others, especially furs, and this problem has been getting worse over the course of about 3 years. More specifically I feel as though I can't seem to connect with anyone and my previous relationships (both platonic and otherwise) have grown stagnant and faded. I've fallen away from those I used to associate with and there honestly hasn't been much effort on my part to prevent it. There is a constant turmoil inside me of a want for romantic/social satisfaction/acceptance and my lack of motivation to achieve it. I feel exhausted just trying to maintain a basic level of conversation with those I genuinely care about. It's important to note that this is in every aspect of my life and not limited to those associated with the fandom. Recently this has become even more of a burden as most of my social connection has been through the fandom. The need to be a part of something is still there even if I don't have the energy to deal with it. I've tried to become more active by attending con's and connecting more through social media. The issue however seems to be me as I can't form any new friendships or bonds. Now I know this is not really a critical issue, and through the course of time shouldn't continue but the mental aspect of being completely out of touch with everything and everyone has been taking a toll. I'm beginning to feel more and more out of place and what I can only guess is anxiety seems to be getting the better of me. So all that being said I guess I'm asking if you have any advice for me to fix myself. Are there any key behaviors that are commonly associated with driving people away that I may be engaging in without realizing it? I appreciate any and all advice you are willing to give. Ludovic Rannulfus * * * Dear Ludovic, Thank you for your letter. I have some questions, if you don't mind, about your background first.
Thank you. I look forward to your reply. Papabear * * * Dear Papa Bear, Thank you for responding, I appreciate you taking the time to address my letter. In regards to your first question, I believe I might have some form of moderate social anxiety. I've always been a very reserved and shy person. When I was younger, I would often get nervous around people I didn't know. A lot of progress was made through my teenage years though and up until I started having my current issues it wasn't much of a problem. As far as personal turmoil, I did experience a non-life-threatening gunshot wound injury roughly around the time frame this started that left me with limited use of my left hand and arm for approximately 8 months. (This was the result of negligence and happened in a controlled environment.) I've since regained about 90% use. The biggest issue I can pull from that experience was it caused me to start having anxiety attacks. Over time, though, this has gotten significantly better and has become pretty rare. I apologize for not giving more clarity about my lack of effort. The easiest way for me to say it is I just stopped trying to connect with people who were close to me and gave up those friendships. Over a about a 3 year span, I've gradually stopped communicating with people. I've started to lose a sense of connection with people in my life. Things like going out with friends has become more of a chore than something to look forward too. I want to have a social life and enjoy the company of others but now I just feel exhausted trying to start a conversation. It's incredibly confusing to me because I want to have people to cherish in my life but at the same time I feel like I don't have the energy to deal with them. I can't really say why, either. It's not a conscious decision so much as it is a sudden realization. Life started feeling like a haze somewhere around the time I started going back to work. This was the time that everything seemed to change. Once I got back into the swing of working and dealing with everyday life, I would often forget to talk to people and wouldn't realize it until several weeks had passed. It was odd because it's like I would just forget they existed. I started to really notice that I had distanced myself after It became apparent that many individuals were no longer trying to contact me and I hadn't seen or heard from them in months. I did try to reach out to them but the conversations are typically very dull now and don't get very personal. I don't believe they have much interest in renewing our friendship. (I basically cut them out of my life, so I don't blame them). I've tried to start over by attending cons and utilizing social media more frequently in an effort to motivate myself. So far, this method has failed and I'm at a standstill. I don't have much of a relationship with my family to be honest. I don't know most of my extended family and I rarely talk to my parents or sister. This is not due to a falling out, we've just never been very close. As for coworkers, I enjoy the people I work with and there have not been any major issues. Any disagreements have always been solved just by talking through it. There haven't been any conflicts that would have put a strain on my friendships that I know of. Before I fell away from everyone, things were actually going very smoothly. Ludovic * * * Hi, Ludovic, Hmm, well, sounds like the gunshot injury occurred at a firing range? Not sure why you still seem to be holding back information on this and are being coy about it. I’m not here to judge you; you can just tell me what happened straight up. This is important because, apparently, your troubles began around the time of the gun accident (perhaps exacerbated by the new job, but since you get along with your coworkers, I’d guess work is not the problem). My guess at this point, and given the information that I have, is that something happened at that gun range, something that shook your trust in other people (unless this was self-inflicted, but it doesn’t sound like it). I am squinting my eyes between the lines and guessing that someone you trusted very well accidentally shot you, and even though you are recovering from the injury this has caused you great physical and emotional pain. I don’t feel you are being honest with yourself that this event is all in the past and you’re over it. I really don’t think you are, and because you are suppressing something, it has to get out somehow; with you, the way it is getting out is by affecting your ability to socialize—trust—others. You become disinterested in really trying because whatever happened to you is blocking your ability to relate to others. If I am right about this, the way to handle it is to face whatever happened at the gun range and deal with it. This means talking openly and honestly to the person who hurt you. You probably don’t feel you can do this because you feel the person didn’t mean to shoot you—and I would believe that to be true, as well. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be upset about what happened; it doesn’t mean you can’t be upset at the person who did this. You can say, “I forgive you,” but you still need to have the catharsis of releasing all the pent-up anger and hurt inside you. Again, if I am right, it would be a good idea to find a qualified counselor to help guide you through this process. Let me know, Papabear * * * Dear Papa Bear, I've thought a lot about what you've said, and a lot of it does ring true. I'm trying to look at my actions and thoughts now through a different perspective. It's true I didn't want to give details about the incident for a number of reasons, but I can't ask for advise if i'm not willing to tell you the problem. The injury did occur from a friend, it was a complete accident and I know this so I don't like mentioning it. It is difficult for me to go into detail because the whole situation at the time left me feeling vulnerable in a sense. This was a routine trip to a shooting complex and my friend who I'll just call "Fred" was a regular shooter there with me. The golden rule of safe shooting is knowing where your weapon is pointed at all times, well Fred just so happened to forget that rule when his weapon had a malfunction and failed to fire. The slide was locked on a live round and he couldn't unload it, so he turned around keeping the weapon pointed straight out from him which left the barrel aligned with me. He was trying to ask me to hand him a tool to fix the problem, but before he could finish the weapon discharged and sent a bullet through the top of my left hand up into my wrist. Ever since then when I've talked to Fred we just kind of brush of the whole situation, we never really talked about it. I really just try to avoid thinking about it because there isn't anything I can do to fix it. I don't know if whats going on now is related to that, but I do see your point and I probably should address it with him. It was a scary situation and I've never felt that helpless before so I really don't like bringing it up. * * * Hi, Ludovic, I understand your reticence, and we both recognize "Fred" didn't mean to hurt you and this was an accident. Even so, you have not emotionally resolved the hurt from this incident, and I truly believe that by pushing those emotions inside you it is now affecting your ability to trust other friends. This might not seem logical, but it is psychologically valid. As you know, I'm not a trained counselor, so I don't know the best way to go about helping you resolve your feelings so you may truly forgive Fred and regain your trust to form friendships and maintain the ones you have, but I think we've really found the problem here and if you talk to a counselor about it who is trained to help you in such matters, I think it will go a long way to helping you. Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
Today I went through a deep emotional distress, soo much soo I've been thinking about hanging up my basic mascot suit and just leaving the community for good, I don't feel welcome or settled in, I know I'm a furry but no-one seems to want to talk to me about my fursona and I'm feeling a bit left out, I'm hoping to go to confuzzled, another fur said I could go with him but we really haven't confirmed anything because neither of us has transportation and both live with our parents, I'm 26 he's 21. I don't feel I'll ever have the warm fuzzy feeling that being a furry is, I have no confidence in myself as a fur and I'm just thinking about leaving and never coming back, I'm hoping this is all a huge mistake and it’s just stress, I don't take medication because I can't swallow tablets and liquid meds are just as bad. I was diagnosed with autism and I can't socialise with people but when as a furry I know I'll settle in. I want to feel more accepted in the group, what do I do? Xoda Fox (age 26, UK) * * * Dear Xoda, It’s not easy feeling like one belongs to any group, including furries. It is doubly difficult when one suffers from autism, making it more challenging to deal with social situations. I can understand, too, why you would think the furry fandom would be a safe haven for you where you could find acceptance. I thought so once myself. The truth is that the fandom is just like any other group of people, and it is just as difficult (or easy) to find friends and camaraderie within it as any other social group. Being a furry doesn’t erase your problems with social anxiety any more than belonging to any other kind of group. Therefore, leaving the fandom will not solve your problem any more than joining the fandom did. What, then, is the answer? The answer is that you have to look within yourself first. You have to deal with your autism. You have to deal with your sense of self-worth. You have to evaluate why you became a furry in the first place. If you are a furry because you love anthros, then no social problems should interfere with that; if you became a furry thinking it would solve your social isolation and to get attention, then that is the wrong reason to be a furry. Although you say you cannot manage medication for your autism, there are other things you can do to help you relax and try to control your anxiety. That would be the first thing I’d recommend you learn to do. This page from the UK’s National Autistic Society can give you some leads on what to do. I highly recommend you seek out ways to manage your autism. Do not expect the furry fandom to help you cope with your autism or social isolation. While many people are furries because they enjoy the social aspect of it, the fandom is not a treatment program for autism. Please recognize that. Even though that is true, it is no reason to hang up your fursona and walk away. Go into the fandom without expectations of it, and you will be much more pleased. Do not expect or demand that people talk about your fursuit or your fursona. They are going to furmeets or furcons to have a good time, and that is all. Instead, simply share with them the fun things about being a furry. Find some common interests (e.g. maybe you read the same comic books or TV shows) and then talk to them about those and not about yourself. When you share common interests and bond on those things rather than yourself, the focus is taken off you and moves to those other things. This will make you feel less self-conscious and, hopefully, more comfortable with others who like to talk about furry things. Good Luck! Papabear |
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