Can He Find a Loving Relationship If He Is Asexual?

Hello Papabear,

I think I may be becoming asexual. I've tried had having relations on both sides. Only to either not feel right, or feel taken advantage of and get hurt. I am tired of living a lie to myself and others. But now, I feel I have no where to turn. I am so confused and yes, even you can say desperate at this time trying to find the answers in my life. What I thought was the right path has not only hurt me, but probably hurt others as well. I mean, I don't mind a cuddle or two from either gender. It is just that I cannot bring myself to have any intimacy with either one, any more. I just wish there was some "Asexual Awareness" group I could contact. I do have a few souls that have expressed interest in me, but I am afraid once I "come out" as asexual that I would lose them even more as friends, and be ridiculed. So scared, Papabear. Please Help. Thank you for taking this letter.

Foz

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Dear Foz,

First thing’s first: one doesn’t “become” asexual any more than one “becomes” gay. You are either asexual or you are not. You need to determine whether you think you are asexual because you honestly don’t have much of a sex drive, or whether you think you are asexual because you feel rejected in your relationships and are using asexuality as a defense mechanism not to be hurt by other people. 

But if you are sure you are asexual, there is a place you can go to for some perspective. It’s called the Asexual Visibility and Education Network at http://www.asexuality.org/. There is a lot on their website that explains asexuality that you can read and might help you understand yourself better. You can join AVEN and get some community support, as well.

Sexuality is an important part of most relationships, but only if you have a libido for it. It is certainly not the only feature of an intimate relationship. 98% of any good relationship is simply enjoying the other person’s company. You can also be physical with a person (kissing, hugging, cuddling) without being sexual. According to the AVEN site, it is possible for asexual people to have successful relationships with normally sexual people, but you would probably be better off finding someone for whom sex is not very important. Heck, you don’t even have to come up with an asexual person example to see that women can be very loyal to men without sex. For example, if a man is impotent, elderly, or has had a prostate operation and can no longer have sex, good wives and girlfriends will still stick by them until the end. These situations are rather analogous to being asexual.

And, too, life is more than having an intimate relationship. There is also friendship. You expressed fear that if you came out as asexual you would lose your friends. Are you saying all your friends will only like you if you have sex with them? Then you need different friends! I’m sure not all your friends are like that. A good friend will want to hang out with you because they like you for you! So, certainly being asexual should not preclude the possibility of genuine friendships and camaraderie.

So, to summarize, contact AVEN for some support, keep your friends close to you, and don’t give up on relationships. They are still a possibility in your life.

Hope this helps. Good luck, Foz!

Papabear