Can He Change This Christian, Straight Man and Make Him His New Love?

Dear Papa Bear,

I don't know if you remember me (I emailed you in the winter of 2012-2013 about relationship issues) but I talked to you about relationship issues before. I now have another issue that I can't seem to resolve on my own and I need your advice.

About 2 years ago, I met a guy on FurAffinity through his art. He liked my stories and we hit it off well. We're still good friends even to this day and we care about each other very well. We're also like business partners (as he calls us) because of our comic that we do and also because he's helping me with a book cover for a novel.

The only problem is... I like him as more than a friend but he sees us only as friends. He proclaims himself as straight, though he's done more than enough homosexual stuff with me to make me think it's more than that. He's a very Christian person and he thinks it might be a sin to be gay. He's become over the last few months very adamant about me becoming Christian as well because of his care and affection for me, but he insists he is straight.

I can't seem to get over myself no matter what I do and I find myself going through a gamut of real emotions with him whenever I am around him. I honestly think I love him more than I've loved anyone else since my last hard break up over 2 years ago. But honestly, if he doesn't like me like that, why can't I get over myself?

Can you help with some advice?

Anonymous (age 23)

* * *

Hi, Anonymous,

Sure, that’s what I do ;-) I notice in your letter two comments of interest: he wants you to become a Christian, and you want him to be gay. I see this a lot in letters about relationships. “I love him, but if only he would do this or be that for me.” Not good. If you can’t love and accept someone for who they are without trying to change them, then I don’t recommend pursuing that particular romantic relationship. A person is not an ill-fitting suit you can tailor to fit your needs. Once you start trying to change someone, you open the door to a Pandora’s box of arguments, resentment, and dissatisfaction.

Can people change? Of course. But you must let them do it of their own accord.

As for the question “Why can’t I get over myself?” My instinct here is that you are in love with the idea of being in love, and this fellow is the closest you’ve gotten to someone you feel you could love in the last two years. After a two-year dry spell, a lot of people would be like you: getting a bit desperate and willing to grasp at straws because of impatience.

You’re feeling enamored because the guy likes your stories (big ego boost and mood uplifter) and because he makes you feel good about yourself you feel love for him. Let me ask you this: could you love him if he continues to assert he is straight and Christian and he continues to want to convert you to Christianity and there was no hope of ever changing that?

Whatever your answer to that question is, there’s your answer about the possibility of being mates.

Blessed Be,

Papabear