Papabear,
I've been in a relationship for about a year now and honestly, it's great. But there's one HUGE problem. My boyfriend is polyamorous and I'm not. When we started the relationship, I was still new to the idea of polyamory but was willing to try it. Now, I find myself hurting every time he's with his girlfriend. I've been cheated on before and it just feels like that again to me. I haven't met this girl yet, but do know a little about her.
On top of it, my boyfriend will blatantly state how girls we see are “hot” or he’d “f**k her.” And it hurts even more. We saw a musical the other day and he even commented on the one actress being hot.
Then there’s the fact that I worry more so about our relationship because I'm transgender and he's never dated outside of cis-females. I plan to get surgery one day and have been on testosterone for only a few days. He says he'll still stay with me but I'm worried even more that he won't thanks to having only dated cis-gender females before and the fact that he seems to be okay with the idea of sleeping around.
I always viewed polyamory as LOVE and not just having one night stands too like he seems to view it as. And I don't want to lose him over this. Before I met him, I was single for over 2 years. I don't want to go back to being single and alone because I'm transgender and a furry. Not many people can handle it. I don't know what to do anymore.
Ryvis (age 22)
* * *
Hi, Ryvis,
Thank you for writing to Papabear on an important issue. Also, I applaud you on your bravery in taking difficult steps toward finding your happiness.
On the subject of polyamory. Polyamory is about the ability to love several people at the same time, more or less equally. It is not about one night stands, as you correctly point out. Sounds to Papabear as if your boyfriend is trying to justify what he is doing by excusing it as polyamory when, in truth, he just likes to sleep around. Also, the two of you have been together a year and you haven’t met his girlfriend? Seems to me that if he was serious about you and open about being polyamorous with all the “loves” in his life, then he would be introducing you by now. Finally, he is showing no respect for your feelings by going on about all the girls he wants to do.
I’m glad you wrote because you need an outsider’s perspective on this, Ryvis. This guy is a jerk. Add to this that you really aren’t comfortable with a polyamorous mate (even though you are willing to try it), then you need to see that this guy isn’t for you.
The only reason you’re sticking with him is because you don’t want to be alone. Also, I have a feeling you have self-esteem issues that make you believe (falsely) that you are not worthy of a lover who is kind and considerate of you. In desperation, you are clinging to someone who “says” he loves you but, based on what you have written here, no, he does not.
Have the courage to get out of a bad relationship. It’s okay to be alone for a while until the right person comes along. In fact, being alone for a bit while you work on your sense of self-worth and also, perhaps, get that surgery, could be good for you. Before you can have a healthy relationship, you have to be healthy (mentally and emotionally) yourself. Otherwise you will fall into traps like this again.
That’s probably not what you wanted to hear (or, maybe it is?) but it is what you needed to hear.
Good Luck! I wish you REAL love in your future.
Hugs,
Papabear
I've been in a relationship for about a year now and honestly, it's great. But there's one HUGE problem. My boyfriend is polyamorous and I'm not. When we started the relationship, I was still new to the idea of polyamory but was willing to try it. Now, I find myself hurting every time he's with his girlfriend. I've been cheated on before and it just feels like that again to me. I haven't met this girl yet, but do know a little about her.
On top of it, my boyfriend will blatantly state how girls we see are “hot” or he’d “f**k her.” And it hurts even more. We saw a musical the other day and he even commented on the one actress being hot.
Then there’s the fact that I worry more so about our relationship because I'm transgender and he's never dated outside of cis-females. I plan to get surgery one day and have been on testosterone for only a few days. He says he'll still stay with me but I'm worried even more that he won't thanks to having only dated cis-gender females before and the fact that he seems to be okay with the idea of sleeping around.
I always viewed polyamory as LOVE and not just having one night stands too like he seems to view it as. And I don't want to lose him over this. Before I met him, I was single for over 2 years. I don't want to go back to being single and alone because I'm transgender and a furry. Not many people can handle it. I don't know what to do anymore.
Ryvis (age 22)
* * *
Hi, Ryvis,
Thank you for writing to Papabear on an important issue. Also, I applaud you on your bravery in taking difficult steps toward finding your happiness.
On the subject of polyamory. Polyamory is about the ability to love several people at the same time, more or less equally. It is not about one night stands, as you correctly point out. Sounds to Papabear as if your boyfriend is trying to justify what he is doing by excusing it as polyamory when, in truth, he just likes to sleep around. Also, the two of you have been together a year and you haven’t met his girlfriend? Seems to me that if he was serious about you and open about being polyamorous with all the “loves” in his life, then he would be introducing you by now. Finally, he is showing no respect for your feelings by going on about all the girls he wants to do.
I’m glad you wrote because you need an outsider’s perspective on this, Ryvis. This guy is a jerk. Add to this that you really aren’t comfortable with a polyamorous mate (even though you are willing to try it), then you need to see that this guy isn’t for you.
The only reason you’re sticking with him is because you don’t want to be alone. Also, I have a feeling you have self-esteem issues that make you believe (falsely) that you are not worthy of a lover who is kind and considerate of you. In desperation, you are clinging to someone who “says” he loves you but, based on what you have written here, no, he does not.
Have the courage to get out of a bad relationship. It’s okay to be alone for a while until the right person comes along. In fact, being alone for a bit while you work on your sense of self-worth and also, perhaps, get that surgery, could be good for you. Before you can have a healthy relationship, you have to be healthy (mentally and emotionally) yourself. Otherwise you will fall into traps like this again.
That’s probably not what you wanted to hear (or, maybe it is?) but it is what you needed to hear.
Good Luck! I wish you REAL love in your future.
Hugs,
Papabear
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