How do I deal with a "friend" with which I recently wants to break up my relationship with my mate (of 2 years)? I don't know how to deal with her because she is so immature on so many levels and I have had other problems with her before.
I first met this friend about a year ago via my mate. At first she was a really cool person, until she started to take advantage of our generosity. We would drive hours to see her because "no one would come visit her." On these visits my mate and I would pay for just about everything we did; on occasion she or one of her parents would pay for pizza. She started to blame others for all of the issues that were happening to her, like her depression coming back because her mate broke up with her. She loves to mooch off of her friends, using them for free rooms at cons that she has no money to afford to go to. She had one friend drive 7 hours to pick her up for a con and never paid her for any of the drive to or from the con. I stopped helping her with money after seeing how she treated a friend whose room we all stayed in for a con. My mate and I have tried to tell her to just save up for one or two big cons a year instead of going to all of these little cons, but she doesn't listen to us.
My mate and I have been together now for almost 2 years, we met while in college. We have had our ups and downs but we have been able to work through them and have become closer because of them. He has always been there for me, especially when I decided to change my major and my career choice. This was really hard for me as it moved me 8 hours away from my family and friends back home. He has been my rock in these stormy past 9 months. He has been there for me and has stood beside me on all of my choices.
I first started noticing that she has wanted to be with my mate a couple of months after getting to know her. She would flirt openly with him in front of me and her (now ex) mate and many others. One night while at her house my mate asked me to check his phone for any calls and messages and I found texts from her saying "miss you sexy" and "when are you gonna come see me again (alone) hon." Needless to say, I called her out on it and, like always, she denies all of it. Ever since I have never trusted her alone with him because she can manipulate you into doing things that you normally wouldn't do without you knowing it. My mate also doesn't trust her, but it still doesn't stop her from doing this. The most recent thing that I found out is that she wants him to sneak off to see her, take her virginity, and at some point get her pregnant. I told my mate about this and he said he would tell her to back off. However, I still feel I need to address her about it but I don't know how to approach her about it.
I have never been in any sort of relationship with her (besides friendship) because I am not attracted to women in that way, whereas she claims to be bi/pan(?) sexual. My mate doesn't see how she can be attracted to him because she has never been in a serious relationship with an guy, she’s only been with women. So, if anything, she wants to be with my mate and not me. He has told me time and time again that he doesn't like her and there is no way that he can be attracted to her, but it still really bother me that she would continue to do this even though she knows he doesn't and will never be attracted to her.
I just don't know what to do. Should I drop it or should I confront her about it??
Thank you in advance for your time Papabear!!
-- Eva de Wolfsbane
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I must say, if everything you have written to me in your letter is true, then this “friend” of yours is just the sort of person who gives furries a bad name. She’s selfish, a moocher, contributes nothing to your friendship, lies, tries to break up a loving couple, isn’t good with money, blames other people for her own problems, and is apparently using sex as a weapon to hurt people. I don’t think she was ever a “cool” person, even when you first met her. She just pretended to be cool so as to lure you into the trap of a user. And that’s just what she is, a user.
This type of parasite makes Papabear sick. I’m sorry you and your mate have gotten sucked into her machinations, mostly because you are kind people who tried to help (i.e., the perfect targets for a user). This is how users operate: they prey upon the good will and good intentions of their victims, sucking them dry, even while they make YOU feel guilty for not giving them what they want.
Papabear would rather face Darth Vader than her type because at least with a Sith lord you know your are dealing with evil. Users are backstabbing, weaselly, snakelike abominations that are highly skilled in pretending to be good people and that "everyone is against them" and they "don't understand why you have betrayed them" yadda yadda. They can make your life miserable, but only if you let them.
Should you “drop it” that she is a pain in your ass? Absolutely not. Should you confront her about it? Well, you could, but you already talked to her about her extremely inappropriate phone messages and she just denied it. Confronting her again would likely lead to more denial.
No, at this point, Eva, there is only one way to deal with a leech like this. Ignore her, stay away from her, both you and your mate. If she calls you and asks what is going on, tell her you are uncomfortable with her sexual advances on both you and your mate and have decided that it is best if you don’t hang out together any more. When she protests, stand your ground. This person is not your friend, so don’t feel guilty about telling her to go away. You don’t have to use swear words, just be polite but firm. “My mate and I really are uncomfortable with hanging out with you and we don’t want to do it any more. Good-bye.”
Ignore any further attempts on her part to call you or see you. The best way to discourage such people is to ignore them because if you continue to talk to them, even angrily, you are just validating their nasty parasite existence. She will likely play the “I hate you card,” even start spreading rumors about you and doing other such nasty things. Never acknowledge any of it.
Dark shadows only exist if you give them a spotlight.
In the meantime, enjoy and treasure something that is an important part of your life: your loving mate. You are very lucky to have each other.
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