At Age 13, Please Take More Time to Be a Kid and Save Worrying about Sexuality for Another Day

Hey Papabear! You might remember me from a bit back (about a month or so). And thanks for your help, I made like 3 furiends!!!!

So my question now is this: I am bisexual, and on my gay side I like furry. I need to tell my parents this, but they are very, very conservative Christians. So I should elaborate on them I guess...

So my dad already knows I am a furry, which he doesn't know much about, though he is aware of the sexual aspect of the fandom, and currently believes I am completely uninterested in it. He will most certainly not take me being bi well at all. He is VERY close-minded.

My mom doesn't know that I am a furry, nor is she, to my knowledge, aware of the existence of the fandom. She will also definitely freak out about me being bi. She, too, is close-minded.

My parents are still together, though about my dad knowing I am a furry and my mom not ... that is because my dad just didn't really think my mom needed to know, which now that I think about it feels kinda ... wrong.

My older sister is probably the only one who won't be bothered. She listens when things matter, and doesn't hold people to past actions. Though when something isn't important she can be VERY mean.

My little brother is 10 and really doesn't need to know about this stuff, so I only mention him for full clarity of the situation.

So in my family the most open minded people are my sister and me.

So thanks,
Brozin Flamepelt (age 13)

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Hi, Brozin, and welcome back :3 I’m glad the previous letter helped you connect with some new furiends!

So, two things here: being bi and being furry. On the first subject, I would suggest you slow down a bit. I am not saying you are not bisexual, but at the tender age of 13 you are still going through a lot of changes—physically, mentally, emotionally—and things might change for you. This is because the years or puberty are very confusing ones. It is not unknown for someone to think they are bi or gay and later figure out that they really aren’t, or, as in my case, believe they are straight and later discover (much later! in my case) that they are really gay. Therefore, before you go telling any friends or family members you are bi, please take some time to really work on discovering yourself and who you are.

Make yourself 100% sure of your sexuality before you go confessing anything. And don’t rush it; it might take a few years. You might, eventually, years from now, please, have a sexual encounter with a man or a woman and discover you don’t really enjoy it ... or you do. Again, please hold off on this particular confession. You are 13, and it is rather early for you to be worrying about such adult things. Please take a few more years and enjoy being a kid. We are in much too much of a hurry in American society to push our youth into adulthood.

About being furry: Papabear’s written about this extensively in the past. Please look at the Coming Out Furry category on the Letters page. In short, the best approach, especially with conservative parents, is to: 1) not make a big deal about being a furry—explain it as a fun and harmless hobby, 2) be completely open with your furry activities and make it clear to your parents that they can look at your computer files at any time (hide nothing; this builds trust), and 3) see if you can’t get them to take you to a furry convention so they can see, first-hand, that there is nothing to be anxious or fretful about.

(Note: I am researching and writing The Furry Book and am working very hard to complete it by the end of this year; it will contain, among many many other things, advice on this particular topic).

Again: hold off on confessing about being bi until you are absolutely certain about it; then write to me again; and take a laid-back approach about being a furry. I know this is kind of a mixed message (be quiet about being bi, but open about being furry), but your age in this case makes this approach relevant for you right now. Things will change as you get older.

Our childhood is gone in a flash. We all need to take the time to slow down and enjoy life. Kids should enjoy being kids, and parents and society need to stop pressuring our youth to grow up before they are ready to do so.

Good luck!

Papabear


P.S. Your instinct is correct that your father not talking to your mom about your being furry is “kinda wrong.” Sounds like they have some communication issues of their own. You note that your parents are “still” together; my bear instincts tell me they are having some marital issues, no? I hope they can patch things up. Hugs.