At 58 He's Finally Found Love, but Now There Is a Big Decision to Make

Dear Papa Bear, Greetings.

Just want to say, I have read some of your responses and really do like what you have said.

What I want to talk about with you is about a long distance relationship I am in. First of all, I am not a young male. After Anthrocon, last year, I met another male on Facebook. Needless to say, this other guy does not live close to where I live. We started talking over Facebook, with letters, IM and on the phone. We do call each other [about] every day. This started about two weeks after the initial Facebook contact. I have found that I fell with love with him and he for me. For me, this is the first time I really felt this way with another person. I have had other guys in my life, from time to time, but I have never felt this way - nothing like this before. I have never been married and he has been married, has two children.

Well, over the last six months or so, we agreed to meet each other. I went to his place first. Just want to say, I have never felt so compatible. To be at his residence, to be with him, and with his two wonderful children. I also like the city in which my b/f lives. But I want to say, there was things I had to get used to. The locations of the light switches, the stairs and he took the blanket. (I did get additional blankets - so all well that ends well). He also came to my residence, met my dog and part of my family.

On the side note, I have never told my family that I am a homosexual. But I did tell them before we both came over for a meal. Needless to say, for some in my family - this news did not go over so well. We all grew up with in a Christian church which taught that this style of life is not right. Some family members guess that I lean in that direction. To wrap this up, my family generally supports me but are concerned with my spirituality and health. His two children already knew this about their dad, so this was not a surprise to them.

Now to come to the point, I really wish to go deeper into this long distance relationship. (My friends all said that I need to find someone that is close to where I live. i.e., no more than two hundred miles distance). Since we have only physically met for a bit other two weeks, we both feel that it would not be right for me to come and live with him. [A visit is one thing but to have someone move in, that is something else]. We both feel that we should get to know each other a whole lot more before crossing that threshold - to live together.

Well, for me to move out to this other city, I would need sell what I have, then move out to this other city; find a job and a place to live. After this, we would be able to see each other, a lot more. (Church, TV nights, dinner and more). I do want to say, I have moved before, it is not easy to move to another location but I know what needs to be done. I would leave my family behind [I have lived in another part of the USA for a bit of time without my family – so, yes I kind of do know what this means]. If this relationship does grow (which is my hope), then in time I think I would move in with my b/f; we would live together. To spend the rest of his/my life together (how ever long that may be). But if this relationship does not grow, as I am hopeful, we would be remain very good friends and I believe that we would share each other lives.

So, this is the current great plan - I want to say I am a bit afraid and scared. Any words, questions or comments you have - I would be grateful.

Unsure Fox (age 58)

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Dear Unsure Fox,

This sounds to me like one of those letters I often get in which the writer has already really decided what he or she wants and is just running the idea by me to see if an outsider would agree.

I congratulate you on several things: being very open with your boyfriend and your family about what you want and who you are, recognizing that long-distance relationships don’t work, taking the time to meet with your boyfriend in person, including family members, and recognizing the potential hardships that will involve moving to be closer to him.

Depending on how difficult the trip is, my initial recommendation would be to try to visit him for extended periods at least a couple times more before making the big move. Just one two-week visit is not very long. However, if that is really not possible to do, at least you had some real-life exposure, which is better than none at all.

My other cautionary note—and I’m saying this without knowing you personally—is to be careful that you are not deciding this guy is “the one” because you are 58 and thinking that there might not be very many chances left in your life to find a partner. Finally, you must recognize that finding a job in another city at your age can be problematic. While workplace discrimination against hiring older job candidates is against the law, ageism is alive and well in corporate America, especially since it is quite difficult to prove. I’m not sure what type of job you’re looking for, but I would do a lot of job searching and research before making a move.

But it sounds to my ears that you really do find this man special, more special than anyone you have met before. You like his kids, your family is either accepting or coping with it, and you recognize he might have some quirks but none of them are deal breakers. Based on this, I do think it is a commendable idea for you to move closer to him (guessing that the opposite is not convenient because your boyfriend has kids).

All that practical stuff aside, you sound to me like a mature, reasonable man who has fallen in love, wants to move closer to his boyfriend, and recognizes all the hardships that are involved. You are likely capable of creating a strategy for this change in your life. Preparation is key.

If I were you, I would do it. Set your plan into motion and be with your love.

I wish you much happiness and luck!

Papabear