At 23 He Prefers Older Men ... Is That So Wrong?

Hi Papabear, 

I am 23 year old bisexual man. Ever since I was 13 I was attracted to older men. My very first porno I found was of two hairy men, and since then that's what I primarily like to look at. I would fantasize about having a mature man (primarily in his 40's or older) as a lover. Believe me I have no idea where it stems from. I have grown up in a decent home with a wonderful family, and yet I feel weird because I am the only person I know who would rather be with older men.

Recently I have been getting into dating apps in order to meet people, and as a result I met a nice older man who lives in my hometown. At first I was nervous about meeting him, but it turned out to be a wonderful time for both of us. We couldn't risk going out so we would meet at his place to hook up whenever I could get free time.

Well a few days ago my parents found out I was dating him. They were mortified that I was giving myself away to an older man and that I shouldn't do it. Now I admit I rushed into having sex without really thinking. I guess I got so excited to finally meet my type of guy that I got carried away. As a result we stopped seeing each other. 

Now my question is, is it really wrong for me to date older men? As wrong as it might seem to other people, it doesn't change how I feel, but honestly I'm not sure if it is just a sexual fantasy or something more. 

Thanks for taking the time to read this

Scaley (age 23)

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Dear Scaley,

Wrong? Let’s try putting it this way: if most people like chocolate ice cream but a few prefer strawberry, are they wrong for liking a different flavor? It’s the same thing here: it’s just a matter of preference. Some people like younger partners, some the same age, and some older. In our youth-worshipping culture, the tendency is for many people to like young people. They tend to have more energy (including in bed, but not always) and have the physical attributes that people are supposed to desire (smooth skin, full head of hair, and don’t talk about their operations LOL...). But there’s a lot to be said for older guys, too. In fact, in this bear’s opinion, a lot more. Older men have been around the block and have more experience, which generally means they have more to talk about that’s interesting (and have more skill in the bedroom). They tend to be more financially stable and have better jobs (these are generalizations, of course). And for many young gay men, older guys can represent stability, a father figure (especially appealing for those who might have lacked one in their lives), and can be a mentor, which has a tremendous calming effect in our confusing world.

You and I actually share the preference for older guys (which might sound funny to you coming from a 49-year-old bear, but I still prefer men in their 40s and upwards, if that’s not TMI—for one thing, they can grow beards better LOL, kidding).

To the point: no, it’s not wrong for you. That’s what you like, and that’s fine. At 23, you are old enough to decide for yourself. I hope, actually, it isn’t too late for you to get back together with this guy you met. Sounds like you had a great time together and he’s a nice guy. So what’s so wrong about that? And, anyway, why are you worried about what your parents are saying? You’re 23 years old! Are you still living with them? Time to get your life in gear, cut the apron strings, and live your life as you see fit!

Questions: why couldn’t you “risk going out”? Is he closeted? Also, you state you are bisexual. Are you sure? You seem pretty obsessed with men. Do you still feel attracted to women? As a bisexual, you certainly can be monogamous to a man (or woman) if you choose and be perfectly fine, but you should make sure what you really want in a partner and that your partner understands who you are before taking a relationship to the next level. These are things to consider, as well as—if you get really serious—the issue of what happens in later life when your older mate starts having health issues and, probably, will pass away before you do. 

Perhaps you rushed in a little fast, but not necessarily. Sometimes the sparks fly quickly and we end up finding someone great for us sooner than expected. 

Whatever your decision, make it your decision and not your parents’ decision.

Good luck!

Papabear