Aspiring Film Director Feels Mom Is Interfering with His Life

Dear Papabear,

First thank you very much for your advice on my first letter ^^ It helped. This letter how ever is about more of how I am feeling on the inside about the future. 

So a little bit of background, since it seems like its needed, throughout my whole life I feel that my mother has been too tough on me when it comes to school and my life. She has gotten easily frustrated and upset when I have trouble with school work and when I tend to 'complain'. She gets on my case on and on about how she can't hold my hand forever and lead me through life, so then when I entered high school I tried to 'let go' of her hand but I always needed help because I get easily distracted, confused and make many more mistakes when I over think. I've made this idea to try and let go for every year of high school (entering my senior year in about a week) but yet its either I still need her or she won't let go.

She gets on my case about simple things like "Clean your room it’s a mess!" Correction its not a mess its just a little over crowded with neat piles of things around the place and against the wall; I can still walk in it, the floor is visible and why does it bother you, do you live in it? Then it can get with other more serious things like College, IB program, and how I am to get ready for the outside world. 

Yes I am aware that college is important! Yes I plan to go to college and yes I want to achieve my major but you are making it so I don't want to go after my major! I had to drop IB (a higher level of learning) because it was too much for me and I eventually had to go to a therapist to work out my feelings and stress levels; yes you wanted me to try and be better but was it worth it me almost losing my mind? I know what I want to do in my life (I want to work in film production, most likely directing) and which I try to film with my friends (we have a YouTube channel) but we don't have time to film, not the money to buy production things, our schedules are very different and we are just high schoolers. 

My question is (sorry about the ramble by the way) that I want to show her that I am growing up but it’s like she keeps trying to interfere. Yes I should be spending more time on research and such but she is overbearing me. Talking won't work because I seem to always get the "You aren't trying hard enough" speech. I've wanted to change my major because I like different things too (so maybe a minor) but I know I just wanted to change because she keeps pestering me about a portfolio which is hard for film! (I do love other things like drawing, sketching, writing, I make amateur cosplays and costumes, in the middle of making a fursuit and baking) She is overbearing and just frustrating me, its like she wants to know every inch of what I want to do with my life (she doesn't know I'm bi but she knows I'm a furry) but how should I deal with her? 

She complains how I don't communicate but I'm trying to do things on my own because I'm trying to be an adult but it doesn't seem to be working when I come crawling back for help. Oh geez I'm sorry for the ramble Papabear.... *ears droop and holds tail sadly* 

Conri Neon

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Hi, again, Conri,

Glad I was able to help with you earlier. Let’s see if Papabear can unravel this situation with your mom. A lot of what you are saying here seems to me no worse than the typical parent-child collision of wills that occurs when the offspring are in their teens. Let’s put this in perspective a bit, Conri. Your mother is not abusive, she seems to be trying to help you, she wants you to get an education, and if she wants you to straighten up your room more than it is, well, most parents think their kids don’t keep their rooms neat enough. What you see as interfering, I see as a parent trying to be involved in her son’s life and to help him.

Consider yourself lucky, Conri. Do you know how many parents out there don’t give a damn about their kids? How many actually throw them out of the house? How many abandon them and leave them homeless? I don’t mean to make light of your situation, and I understand that you are frustrated, but try to look at this from your mother’s point of view. She sees her son is struggling, and she doesn’t know what to do about it. She’s probably very worried about you, especially since you had to go into therapy. Perhaps she is a bit overwhelmed, and because she feels overwhelmed her efforts come off wrong and seem to you to result in her trying to control your life. I don’t think that’s the case.

So, here’s what you do if you want your situation to improve. You wish to be treated like you are more mature and independent? Then act that way by sitting down with your mom and creating a plan for the next couple of years of your life. Take a sheet of paper, and, working with your mom, outline goals that you would like to achieve in finishing high school and planning and attending college, including everything from taking ACT, PSAT, and SAT tests, to hunting for colleges, figuring out how to pay for school, deciding if you will find work and, if so, how you will find that work, what your living arrangements will be, how you will budget for your expenses and how to control your flow of money.

I say this because I have a sense you don’t really have much of a plan for your life at the moment, other than some vague ideas of being a film director. You need to do two things: 1) go to a good film school; 2) actually make films. Given those two things, design your goals.

Your mother is a resource, not an adversary in this. Recognize this. She is on your side, not against you, and you’re going to need an ally in this world if you are to succeed because, guess what, most of the people out there don’t know who you are, don’t care, and won’t help you unless you can impress them. Therefore, it is more logical for you to work with your mom and not against her.

While you’re at it, tell her you love her. When was the last time you did that? And, not that kind of mumbling, grudging “love you, too, Mom,”  but a sincere, “Thank you for trying to help me, Mom. I love you.” Papabear’s instincts tell me, despite your letter, you really do love her, and I am sure she loves you, too.

Start with love, move on to cooperation, and you will do much better than you are doing right now while also showing your mom you have matured.

Hugs,

Papabear