Asexual Man Is Old Enough to Be Blunt about His Orientation

I know many of your readers write concerning sexuality, but my situation is a bit different. After a long period of determining my sexual identity, I've come to the conclusion that I am asexual. Not celibate, mind you, but that I'm just not interested in sex. Period.

The problem is that ever since my childhood, I have had no interest in girls (I'm male), and because of this, many in my school came to the conclusion that I was gay. This led to some of the most horrific taunting I've ever experienced. To this day, I've overheard my (Conservative Christian) relations whispering about me, wondering if I was gay, and you can imagine the awkwardness I've been through when someone makes a romantic advance in my direction, and I have to politely say words to the effect of "It isn't you, it's just me". 

So, while there are those who struggle with "coming out of the closet", I'm struggling with people misunderstanding my lack of sexual desire. I'm not "broken" nor impotent, I'm not on a vow of celibacy, I'm just not interested in sex. Now, how do I make this known to my friends and family without any further confusion?

Unbroken (age 52)

* * *

Dear Unbroken,

Last May I wrote on the topic of asexuality, too. As you say, there is nothing wrong with you; it’s just that you happen to be asexual. As I did with the previous letter, I recommend you check out Asexual Visibility and Education Network at http://www.asexuality.org/ which will provide you all sorts of useful information on being asexual. There are forums there, and you can get some community support from other people like yourself.

The other thing here is that you are 52 years old. That’s certainly old enough to put your foot down and state, frankly, to your relatives and friends, “I’m not gay, I’m asexual. That’s just the way I am.” And then explain to them, in clear, simple-to-understand terms, what that means. The line, “It isn’t you, it’s just me” sounds evasive and naturally makes suspicious people jump to the wrong conclusion. So, in your case, I recommend your being frank. You have nothing to be ashamed of or to apologize for, especially at your age.

Stand up for who you are without fear.

Good luck!

Papabear