Are His Fetishes Interfering with a Real Sex Life?

Dear Papabear,

I've been a long time lurker of this site, and I'm very glad that there is an advice column specifically for Furries. It's difficult explaining certain problems to people who are not part of the fandom, so I am very grateful :)

My question is a sexuality issue. But before we get to it, I must provide some background.

Since I was about 12, I realized that I was aroused by the feel of plush and fur. It sort of evolved from there to getting aroused by mild “fat fur” artwork. I would watch a cartoon, and anytime there was a furry character with a stuffed stomach, I would get aroused. This continued well into the present day, and the arousal evolved so that I now feel arousal from related sources (furry vore, overfed feral animals and in extremely few cases, humans who would overeat, etc.)

The strange thing is, even though I would get aroused, the thought of having sex with these characters in unappealing. I may be mildly interested in very few sexual situations in general but the desire to have sex is not there. I've been reading about asexuality and I seem to fit that bill. Here comes my concern:

You see, I've been masturbating to these various sources of arousal for all these years. It averages out to at least 5-8 times a week. I know when I was 12, I would “have sex” with the pillow or plush, but it wasn't a desire to sexually penetrate the object. It was just stimulation.

My question is, did my masturbation to those paraphilia kill my sex drive? Did I somehow cause myself to be asexual by too much stimulation from fantasy media? I accept my asexuality and I do not feel ashamed of it, but I am curious as to why I'm this way.

My mom suggested that I just haven’t grown up and/or I’m too shy and introverted when it comes to girls and socializing. Another theory is that I'm just simply this way because that's the way it is. Although, if there's any truth to my concerns, it would be rather disappointing to know that I did this to myself, and that I could've had a different sexual insight, if that makes any sense.

Thank you so much for any information you can provide. Once more, I'm extremely grateful that a service like this in the fandom exists :)

Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous,

This is one of the more complicated letters I’ve received about sexuality. An asexual person, as you know, is someone who is uninterested in sex, yet you are sexually stimulated by your interest in plushies, fur, and feeding. Yes, you aren’t interested in actual intercourse with people (or things), but there is still arousal nevertheless; therefore, you are not completely asexual.

You ask whether your fetish killed your sex drive. For that to be true, there would have to have been a desire for coitus in the first place, but you do not indicate ever having an interest in indulging in sexual intercourse with another person. So, no, your fetish didn’t put an end to what never existed.

I would go with the hypothesis that you are the way you are because that’s the way it is. We are all wired differently when it comes to sexuality, and most of us fall somewhere among the fifty shades of grey.

There is nothing wrong with your particular brand of sexuality; it is just one of many variants that are out there. As I always say (and Wiccans say), if you aren’t hurting anyone, do what you want to do.

The only problem I can foresee here has to do with the possibility, in the future, of you finding someone you really love and want to be with for the rest of your life and that she (or he) wants to have sex with you but you aren’t interested. You could, perhaps, find an asexual partner or, a bit more difficult, find someone who enjoys the same the same things you do. Even shy and introverted people can find love, so this is something you should consider. And the first step to finding love is to accept yourself as yourself, remembering, too, that your sexuality is only one aspect of a much larger you.

As Papabear always says, time to be more of a bear. Relax, don’t obsess, and don’t work too hard.

Hope that helps!

Hugs,

Papabear