Dear Papa Bear,
I'm not sure where to start with this letter. My birthday is coming up in less than a week, and it will be my 21st birthday. My parents are taking me to Vegas for the occasion, and I was hoping to bring along a friend, someone around my age. I had planned on bringing my girlfriend of a year and ten months. I had let her know about the trip back in February, and it was understood that she wasn't sure if she'd be able to make it or not. Back in October, I asked her if she could come to Vegas and Midwest Fur Fest this year. She said she couldn't make it to MFF, so I said "Well you have to at least come to Vegas, We haven't seen each other in a year." (Last time we were together was at last year's MFF.) She responded saying that she didn't "have" to do anything, I wasn't the boss of her. This ended with a large fight where we took a two-week "break." We started talking again, but things were very strained. I could feel her drifting away. So I kept trying to ask her to set aside some time so we could talk and hang out since, with finals and trying to find a job, she was very stressed and busy. I just couldn’t seem to get her to set aside some time. Finally, with only two weeks until the Vegas trip, I got her to respond to a text so I flat-out asked her. She responded that she had no desire what-so-ever to go to Vegas. In an effort to keep this short-ish, I'll just say that she's showing no interest in anything couple-related. I'm slowly coming to terms with the realization that things are going to be ending soon.. But I'm in that stage where you're looking for any last threads of hope. Is there anything I can do to keep the relationship afloat? What can I do to keep our friendship if the relationship can't be salvaged? Should I hold some hope for possibly getting together again in the future? I know these are multiple questions, so if only one can be answered. What can I do to avoid losing her as my friend? I'll answer any questions you have for details I may have missed and such. Thank you, ~Brandon * * * Dear Brandon, Oh, dear, when any relationship gets to this point, it’s pretty clear where it is going. You and I both know it, and I think you just wrote to me to see whether or not I would confirm your suspicions. Since your time at MFF, she has backed out of seeing you again, she has become irritable when you tried to insist she go to Vegas, and you ended up fighting when you pressured her. Two things going on here: 1) the problems with that ol’ pain in the butt, the long-distance relationship, and 2) she is super stressed with school and her job search, which are her priorities right now. The best thing you can do is back off. Contacting her repeatedly will just drive her away. Asking her to go on a trip with her will do that, too. Another option would be for you to go see her, but that would also cause her undue stress at this time. This is the time when you put the relationship on pause. Let her focus on school and work. After those things ease up a bit, she will either contact you again, or not. You cannot force a relationship to happen, nor can you make someone love you. Contact her just one more time and tell her that you are not going to bug her for a while, but that you are always there for her if she needs to talk to someone. Then, let her make the next move. Find someone else to party with in Vegas. While there, celebrate YOUR birthday and having fun. Don’t worry about her because that will just ruin your parents’ very cool gift to you. She’ll be fine, and so will you. Hugs, Papabear
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Dear Papabear,
Hi. I have a problem with my boyfriend ... or ex-boyfriend ... or what ever I can call him due to legal reasons. I'm sure you are confused by "legal reasons." You see he currently turned 18, and I am 14. When my mum and dad saw that I was in a conversation with him they flipped and scared him into no longer talking to me. He tells me that it's because of the law and that he would if he could. I just want to help him in any way at all but cant. Do you think you can give me any advice? From, a saddened, little fox * * * Dear Little Fox, Well, there are legal issues about this situation—something called the “age of consent.” The age of consent is a legal term meaning there is a certain age that, if you are below that age and someone has sex with you, it is considered a crime, often punishable by imprisonment. You wouldn’t be imprisoned, but the older guy could be. Most states have a legal age of 18. There are a few where it is 17 or 16, but you, being 14, would fall below legal age in all 50 states. Furthermore, even if, say, you were 17 in a state that defined age of consent as 16, you could get in trouble with federal law, which says it is 18. This means that if you and he were in separate states and communicated sexual messages (photos or text with sexual content), it could be considered illegal. What is even MORE complicated is that even if you were both in the same state and that state allowed the age of consent to be 16, but the server which helped to transmit an email or other electronic message was in another state, that would be considered interstate activity and, again, there would be trouble with the feds. Lastly, it is a federal crime for an adult to take a minor to another state in order to have sex with him or her. For you, though, it is less complicated because you are definitely under legal age anywhere in the United States. So, your parents are right about the legal complications. I would suspect, though, that their concerns aren’t just about legalities, but more about the fact that you are really too young to have a boyfriend who is 18 or older. You might think, hey, it’s only 4 years, but the difference between a 14 year old and an 18 year old is quite profound when it comes to both sexuality and maturity. These are the years when those things are developing, and you really have quite a way to go before you are considered an adult (this is very different from, say, a 20 year old having a relationship with a 24 year old). Now, you might protest that you weren't thinking about sex in your case, but, honestly, any relationship that is on a level above mere friendship is bound to, sooner or later, have a sexual component, even if it doesn't involve rounding all the bases and heading for home plate. Little Fox, I know our modern American society is pushing you to be an adult already, and also pressuring you to have sex, but Papabear says you have plenty of time for all that. Enjoy being 14 and hang out with people your own age for a while longer. The same advice goes to your would-be boyfriend, who should really be looking for clothes that fit in the age-appropriate section of the department store. Hon, please take Papabear’s advice. It might not seem like it, but sometimes your parents do give you wise advice, and in this case I would agree with them. Hugs, Papabear |
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