I stumbled on this website while searching for clarity. I have a 14 year old son who I discovered identifies himself as a Furry. I am not going to lie—it worries me. And I am big enough to admit it is because I can't wrap my head around it.
His father and I are divorced, it has been rough on the kid. So I get the fantasy, the escapism, the role playing side of this. I can understand that. I have found anime furry porn, so it is the possible sexual side that is concerning for me. He isn't a very confident kid, he struggles to fit in, always has. He does have friends and a social life—but what scares the hell out of me is his lack of confidence leading to him being taken advantage of—I am not trying to be disrespectful, I am trying to understand so I can support and protect my kid. I honestly don't care about sexual orientation, I just want to understand this so I don't freak out on him or shame him in any way. I love him dearly and want to be able to parent him without ignorance or being judgmental—I lack the knowledge. Thank you, Anonymous (Roanoke VA) * * * Dear Parent, Thank you so much for your letter! I wish more parents were like you and, instead of blindly telling their children they cannot be furries, carefully investigated the issue as you are doing. You are clearly, also, a kind and loving parent. Bless you for that. I’m currently working on a book all about the fandom, but it won’t be out until December at the earliest, so let’s try to address this as best as possible right here. Just very quickly, the furry fandom began in the early 1980s when a bunch of science fiction and fantasy fans started meeting at sci-fi conventions to share their mutual interest in books and movies that featured anthropomorphic animal characters (in other words, a subgenre of science fiction). But the story is even older than that. There is a long history of fiction and fables featuring characters who are a mix of animal and human going back to Greek and Roman mythology. Such stories started because of human beings’ desire to connect to the natural world. In many mythologies there was a time when human beings could communicate with animals and were friends with them (the story of Adam in the Garden of Eden would be the Christian example), but we—largely through our own fault—lost that connection. Today, that feeling of loss and disconnectedness in our civilized world where most kids only see wild beasts in a zoo is very tangible. So, I believe that one reason there are furries is because we want to regain that connection. Another reason is fantasy, of course. A lot of people admire the qualities of animals and wish they had them. For example, having the strength of a lion or to be able to fly like an eagle. Have you ever read the story “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty” by James Thurber? (They turned it into a horrible Ben Stiller film). It’s wish fulfillment. Some wish fulfillment can be purely escapist, but often it is an exercise of the imagination, and imagination is actually a good thing to encourage. The other thing about the furry fandom is that it is a community. Indeed, that is probably the most important aspect of it. I am attaching, FYI, a scholarly paper discussing the importance of community and how the furry fandom provides that for many young (and old) people [Papa note: unfortunately, can't attach the paper here on this site]. Also, here is a link to a (long) video these authors presented at a convention that you can watch online https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6zYWmvHnZQ. Now, when it comes to pornography. I am sure you understand the hazards of the Internet and that furry pornography (furporn) is just one of many types of porn (regular human porn far outweighs the amount of furporn). Sadly, to view this material online, you don’t need to prove your age. My first suggestion to you, therefore, is that you install parental controls onto your child’s computer. At age 14 he should not be viewing such material, I know you’ll agree. Indeed, this isn’t just about porn; there are many other dangers out there on the Internet, ranging from stalkers to gambling sites to sites that will install malware and destroy your computer and more. Really, a parent needs to supervise what a minor is accessing (and you can explain this to him as being about safety in general). Another thing you can do is put his computer in the living room or kitchen and not allow him to have his computer in his bedroom. You have a right as a parent—indeed, an obligation—to know what he is doing online. The best way to avoid resentment on his part regarding the computer is to take an active interest in his furriness, and be supportive. Go to a furmeet with him, or a furry convention. He will probably adore you if you take him to a furcon. There, you will witness firsthand that furries are very benign and accepting and loving people. They will LOVE it when they find out you are a parent taking your 14-year-old to the convention (and don’t be surprised if you get hugs from people you never met! We’re very huggy). I am emphasizing here, perhaps a bit ironically given the subject, that the REAL world is very different from the online world. This is true, whether you are a furry or, as we call you, a mundane. You realize the distinction between what is online and what is in the real world, I should hope, so please do not judge furries solely by what you see online. Meet them in person. You’re in Virginia, so you could attend Fur the 'More, which is in Tysons Corner, VA, near Washington, D.C., and I just found out there is a new furry convention at Virginia Beach, starting next year, called Fursonacon (http://www.fursonacon.com/) that you should check out. For a more extensive list of furry conventions, go here https://en.wikifur.com/wiki/List_of_conventions_by_attendance. That link comes from a website called Wikifur, which I recommend to you as a legitimate source of furry information without all the hype you’ll get from nonfurry websites. As you become more and more familiar with furries, you will see that a definition of furriness is no simple thing. We are a very diverse group, and this diverse group is very accepting of other people from all walks of life: different races, ages, religions, political beliefs, and so on. The mistake most people make is trying to categorize us, label us neatly, put us in a little box. It can’t be done. Your son can be anything he wants to be in the furry community, and, I believe, a very important symbol of that diversity is how furries adopt different animal species (or even mix of species) as their fursonas (furry personas or alter egos) and you are accepted, whether you are a wolf, a tiger, a bear, a hawk, or even a dragon! I hope this has helped with an introduction to the fandom. Please check out the links I gave you and continue to educate yourself about your son’s interest. The best parent is the parent who loves a child unconditionally, sharing in his or her life. Be involved, not controlling; there is a huge difference. I sympathize with you that it is a very tough job raising a person (remember, you are not raising a child, you are raising a human being) when you have been divorced, and I applaud you for your efforts! Your son is very lucky to have you in his life. Please write again if you have any other questions. Hugs, Papabear
0 Comments
Papabear,
Is the word "sona" being overused or loosely said? Lets look at the Oxford Dictionary (The dictionary for cool people) noun (plural personas or personae-ˈsōnē) 1 The aspect of someone’s character that is presented to or perceived by others: her public persona Sona is an abbreviation for persona so why is it necessary to have multiple sonas to identify a type of thing your interested in? Is that sort of like a High School cliques that people in fandoms join because they are not in a high school clique. Ex: Pokesona tend to talk to other pokemon fans mostly Wowsonas chill with the alliance or horde Bronysonas gallop together Yet they don't talk to each other because there is no similar interest excluding other fandoms from joining theirs. Has the word "sona" lost its meaning and is the NEW high school clique of fandoms? Kim the "Pancham" * * * Hi, Kim, I love the idea of the OED being “the dictionary for cool people.” That one made me grin. It sounds like you’re asking two different things: is the abbreviation “sona” overused, and are people forming too many cliques to avoid interacting with others who don’t share their interests? Whether or not “sona” is overused is a matter of personal opinion. People have a way of latching on to words or phrases they think are cute, original, or cool and then using them to death until they become clichéd and boring. Many examples: aight, fershizzle, fail, amazeballs, hashtag, selfie, dude, ’sup, twerking etc. etc. Overuse of such words—and this might be insulting to some, sorry—is evidence of unoriginal and lazy thinking. I suppose the same thing may be said for “sona.” As for cliques, yes, certainly young people gravitate toward them, and one reason some people associate with furries, bronies, and other groups is that they felt rejected in school and are now happy to be part of a community. It is often interesting to me that the very people who once complained of being excluded from a society become, themselves, exclusionary, rejecting people who want to join with lame accusations such as “you’re not a real furry.” Whatevah! Cliques are a double-edged sword. On the one paw, they can give comfort to members of the clique by providing them with validation and a surrogate family; on the other, they can become elitist and hurtful to those who are outside their little community. After decades of trying to belong somewhere, this bear has given up on the idea of being part of a group. Too much rejection, too much drama, don’t need it. Instead, I deal with people—furries and mundanes alike—on an individual basis and have found that formula to work much better. In conclusion, “sona” has not lost its meaning, but it has become cliché, and, yes, there are many cliques out there, but they are nothing new, whether you add –sona to the end of the name or not. It’s just human nature to, like birds, flock together. Cheers, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I had suspected my good friend of being interested in the furry fandom for a few years. Turned out he was but was too “embarrassed,” afraid of rejection or being teased while in high school. It is great that he acknowledges that he is interested in it, but I’m afraid knowing someone he has been friends with for along time he might go over the top announcing it to the world or really “bedroom” conversation I'm not going to be interested in. Question is, “How can I guide him from being over the top with too much furry pride at one time to his friends and family or tell him to calm down if he is not ready to tell others?” I went through this and it was a rough emotional roller coaster, and I feel I can only be there for him because I feel it is not my place to tell him what to do when the fandom is about being unique and expressing yourself. Kim the pancham (age 23) * * * Hi, Kim, What do you mean, exactly, by "going over the top"? And why do you think that your friend, who was silent on the matter in high school, would suddenly be outrageously overt about his furriness? Papabear * * * I've seen it before with others and people I know and myself where if you feel comfy enough with peers you feel that everyone will accept you like your friends do when that's not the case. * * * Kim, I would think that if he was nervous about being publicly furry before he wouldn’t suddenly do a 180 and be outrageously over the top with his furriness. Just because you and some others did that doesn’t necessarily mean he will. It would likely be sufficient for you, as his friend, to express your concerns to him, relate your own experiences, and let him make his own decisions from there. Assuming he is an adult, like you, he is old enough to live his own life and make his own decisions. Be a friend, be there for him, share what has happened to you, and then relax and don’t worry about it. You’re not responsible for other people’s lives. Hugs, Papabear |
Categories
All
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
|