Dear Papa Bear,
I wrote you a little while back about a love lost and must admit it felt kind of nice to hear reassuring words from someone else. It gave me a little perspective about myself from a third party stance. I'd like to throw another item your way to get some feedback on. If YOU, the readers, feel the same way about the subject(s) I'm about to throw out then feel free to contact me via Papa Bear [Papabear says: please don’t. If you want to leave a message about this letter, please put it in the Comments below. Thank you]. To say the least...
I am at a loss. I have been alive for closing in on 26 years and am at a loss for words for the entire world around me. I'm going to go back in time to about age 10 when I first started building any real values on life.
From the days of my childhood I was a troubled little boy in many aspects. Thinking about it now I probably did the things I did because I had an inability to deal with the world around me. Rage was a definite factor in that period of my life, mainly due to the fact that the parental units I was stuck with felt the need to constrict me by binding me to “human” standards. Ever since I can remember I've always been different. From the post I wrote about falling in love in childhood to everything else I've always operated on a different level. I tend to use the analogy that if everyone is a PC then their mental software is Windows, meanwhile I run Linux. We all do mostly the same thing in the end, however it's how to get there that defines us. Getting back to what I was saying earlier...
I've always dealt with things differently throughout life. It used to be more of a carnal method of dealing with problems, but now I come from a standpoint of logic. A good example of this would be during my elementary school years when I was getting harassed by bullies, happens to some of us, however I set him right by gross reality. Instead of giving in to the system that shuns self-defense and character I took things to an extreme that at the time I felt appropriate. I brought a metal mathematical compass to school and cornered the bully next chance he tried to engage with me. My intention was to kill him. I know, extreme. I'm not ashamed of this, I mean I am only subject to the same laws of psychology as any other primate, being that I am physically of a human body. If I had to really dissect that situation and look for what caused me to go to such an end I would attribute it to... bad parenting.
I won't lie, parents are a big problem for me. Everyone that's called me their son across my life has either left me or proved that they are so grossly unqualified to be a parent that I am left with just me. I can't even say I have a mother anymore, it's pathetic. I don't know the best way to explain to a parent the plight of a child in my situation whereby your mental orientation is much different than that of an everyday Joe. Suffice to say that I fully believe that I was gift-wrapped with a mental image to be deployed gradually throughout my life. It's really no wonder why over 90% of traditional parenting methods used on me never worked. I can easily say that as I age there is a mental package that unravels itself deploying the tools and mindsets that craft my personality and processing abilities. I do believe that if there is a god or some universal formula for genius (and I don't boast this) that I was either chosen for a purpose in life or got really lucky, genetically speaking.
What is it that I need advice on or am fluxed about?... People. That's the general word. From HS onward I have generally learned to distrust and even hate others. It used to be because of an intellectual difference but now the frustration stems from my inability to see eye to eye with humanity. Over time, with much research and observation, I grew distant from society and humanity. I've questioned who I am time and time again and what my purpose is in this universe. Although that answer is still pervasive I have concluded that with my advanced gifts I'm meant for something big. For years, ever since I got fed up, I've dreamed of two things... Ending the use of money and forming a new, more accountable, government. That dream still remains active.
There is a wide gap between me and everyone else. I don't identify as human anymore and although I am in the US, want my own government. I want to go to Mars with enough provisions for generations to come and show everyone what I try to do for them so often. My life is a life of service to this species in that I know I can better their society through example, but money gets in my way. I am once again as conflicted as I once was as a child. Here I have an extraordinary will but find myself stopped by idiocracy. I can't stand it anymore. I feel like I am being choked here not being heard or taken seriously. I'm not kidding that if it weren't for a certain financial status I have with the federal government I would have returned all forms of identification and any documents ever recorded against me and declared my territory. I am not happy. I look at the world around me and fear for what is to come for humanity. I wish to change that course for as many people as I can, but retain quips because of the past. I just feel alien amongst everyone, like this isn't where I belong. I want to go into space and leave Earth. I wish to seek asylum elsewhere, free from the bonds earthly problems. I do have a fledgling plan in mind that could theoretically gain momentum and get me to Mars, but that requires some serious partnerships.
Well I've gone on long enough. Papa Bear, how would you deal with feeling like an alien on your own planet? How would you deal with reaching a level of intelligence that turns your mental calendar decades ahead? I'm at a loss. I want to go home but don't know where home is.
* * *
Interesting letter. Well, let me begin with the easier part—your feelings of alienation. Many people in the world feel alienated, and I believe that one reason a lot of furries are furries is because they feel alienated from Homo sapiens. Years ago, before I knew what furry was, I felt alienated by modern technology and longed for a simpler time with no cars, computers, and a simpler society overall. I didn’t like how complicated we had made the world; I was, basically, a Luddite. Eventually, I discovered my bearness, strongly relating to Bear Spirit and a simpler way of life, which is what attracts me to the furry fandom, among other things.
So I can sympathize with your desire to separate from our modern American society, but I’m not really following your train of thought. A trip to Mars to form a colony of some type would cost billions of dollars and require (as you even noted) partnerships with many people, people you would have to have to get this accomplished, and people, as you said, you can’t relate to and don’t like. The people involvement aside, where would you get so much money (your “certain financial status” with the government being in the form of financial assistance, I am betting, which indicates you are broke—am I right?), and such a mission takes literally years and years of planning and training. Even the U.S. government is having trouble coming up with money to run its space program. Unless you are in possession of super-smarts, a secret diamond mine, and have a genius plan to do this, I find the Mars option improbable, nay, impossible for you.
Likewise, your notion of forming a new government somewhere seems unlikely. While it is not overly difficult to renounce one’s citizenship and move to another country, founding your own independent state is far more difficult. For one thing, pretty much every scrap of land on this planet has been claimed by one country or another (except, I believe, Antarctica, which is not a very hospitable place to live), so in order to create your own country you would have to take land from another country. Countries don’t tend to like that very much for some reason and would probably object, making their point with big guns and bombs. Similarly, overthrowing the current monetary system would take a national or even international revolution against those in power. Even if you had the chutzpah and charisma to gain a large following (and we’re talking millions of people, if you want to be serious about this) and become their leader, that again lands you in the problem of dealing with humans and having them like you, which, if you don’t like them, is hard to do.
Let’s get realistic here. What we need to deal with is your troubled past, your conflict with parents, and, sounds like, several stepparents who let you down; bullies at school; and this immense anger that almost led you to kill. These are all disturbing. You could really benefit from some professional counseling and anger management.
The answer is not to overthrow society or to reject society utterly like Dr. Manhattan from Watchmen, the answer is to find peace within yourself. It is easy to blame your anger and sadness on “bad parenting.” I think many people have done that, me included. Eventually, though, you need to grow up and take charge of your own life and destiny. You come to a point—hopefully—where you must become independent of other adults, trim your sails, and navigate your own course. Part of becoming an adult, which allows you to do this, is learning how to deal with other people. Unless you know how to grow your own food, weave your own clothes, build your own home, husband your own domestic animals, generate your own energy, find your own, clean water source, etc., you will need other people in your life to help you.
Perhaps the key is to find others who have similar views to your own. The furry fandom might help with that. There are people within it, such as therians and otherkin, who might empathize with your feeling that you are not fully or even partly human. You are not really clear on how you truly feel inside (alien? animal? other-dimensional being? superbeing?) so I can’t guide you in that direction, but the Internet is a remarkable tool for locating and beginning dialogues with people who share your interests and feelings (I had no clue what furries were before I found the Internet, which didn’t exist when I was a cub). I would suggest you explore that option rather than isolating yourself entirely from all sentient beings on this planet, which, for the moment, is pretty much limited to Homo sapiens (perhaps some cetacean species and ape species, but I have a feeling you won’t associate well with chimps or dolphins, either).
If it is a matter of pure intelligence that separates you, there are a lot of brilliant people out there. If your intellect is truly such that it is of “a level of intelligence that turns your mental calendar decades ahead,” then you should contact Mensa (www.mensa.org), the society specifically created for highly intelligent people. They have a 30-minute test on their website to see if your IQ meets their standards. I’m sure, since you assert you are brilliant, you will pass the test. Then, you can join the ranks of a very elite group of men and women and find a more stimulating environment suitable to your abilities.
In short, Papabear would advise you not to leave the planet, overthrow the monetary system, or form your own country. Papabear would advise you to learn how to deal with your anger (possibly with the help of some therapy) and seek out people who are more like you so that you may get some healthy social interaction and feel more at home on our little blue ball of a planet.
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.