Quite nervous since my friend just showed me this site. I have a few things I would like advice on actually.
1st thing is actually my past. My father ran out on me when my mother was pregnant and came back after a while I was in this world. But he was hardly around in my life. And my mother wasn't the best either. when I was 7 she virtually abandoned me for her "boyfriend". I was just a child so the first thing I did was tell my dad. Then he just walked back out the door. I tried to follow him but he told me to go back inside. But I couldn’t. I stood there crying in the rain. When I was finally taken inside I couldn't sleep for almost a week. I was exposed to drugs, on a daily basis that I learned how to roll blunts, make pipes, bongs, you name it all before I turned 8.
I moved with my grandmother since mum was "too busy" and my aunt chose to find a moment to "practice" a few things because she just got a boyfriend. I didn't know anything but a little while later I learned I was raped. My sister was 2 years old and everybody just hated me. Mother and wouldn't watch her. So I did. Then she had my brother then the same thing. I took care of them. Made sure they ate. Everything. I would starve myself to the point I was sick to make sure they ate.
My uncle put me into several fights just because he wanted to. So I grew up fighting. Then my mother had 2 more kids and that just put me 6 feet under. I had 4 kids to take care of. I became a father by 11 basically. She was never around always out running with Rick (her boyfriend). I grew extremely defensive and very rebellious. Any time she would bring home dinner was at 2 in the morning when everyone was asleep. And leave 7 in the morning and the food would be gone. I became more worried about my brother's and sisters that I was even failing school.
Because I grew up fighting I took lessons, classes and became a mixed martial artist. (The martial arts is actually what I practice. I personally think I do it professionally but I haven't joined the competition or the league. I'm ready to so I'll just go with my best friend because he trained at my side.) Grew very soft hearted. I became a man of words, many words, enough to make a dictionary. I did what I had to do to survive even provide for my family, and I wasn't proud of stealing either, but life went on without any difference. I got protective for myself, spoke my word and would be beat because of it that my anger finally blew up and well. I protected myself.
Now my family doesn't really like me. They don't talk to me. When they do it always turns into a fight. Over he said she said shit (pardon my language). But I stopped obeying, listening, because all it did was cause more problems so I did what had to be done or what I thought right and accepted the consequences. I wasn't afraid for what ever punishment came my way.
But there is so much more I would like advice on and such but I lost the heart to ask. I'm already crying just writing all this. I kept it in the back of my mind but it always came back on me, haunting me like some guilt. I tried meditating but I can't even do so for 30 minutes before the memories come back. But the guilt is coming from. I aim to help all, but when one person comes for help that contradicts what someone else asks for help. Its a choice on who to help but I try to help both and wind up failing one or both.
So I’m hoping you can offer any advice, feedback, or anything to say about this. all I know about myself is what people say I fear I'm losing sight of who I am. All I know of myself personally is that I'm protective, good at what I do, and a good person at heart.
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First of all, that you survived this nightmarish childhood to become a decent human being is, to me, no less than a miracle from God. From what I understand, you took care of your siblings and managed to learn martial arts and to survive with your own moral code intact.
One word: Bravo.
I'm not sure if there really is a question somewhere in your letter, other than about mediating disputes, but it sounded more like you just wanted to hear what I think of you. I applaud you. Your parents should bow their heads in shame for what they have done. You have nothing to be guilty about. Indeed, if I could, I would submit your name for sainthood.
I'm a bit confused, though, on one point. You say your family doesn't talk to you, yet they are asking for your help? Or are these people outside your family?
Regardless, as you have already found out, you can't please everyone. And you shouldn't feel guilty that you can't. Because of your childhood experience, you have grown to be a "people pleaser," meaning that, in order for you to help your siblings survive, you became so focused on helping others that it has become a central part of your character. Now, there is nothing wrong with trying to help people; that is a lovely thing, but when you do it to the point of self-destruction it becomes unhealthy.
It sounds to Papabear you are being put in the middle of other people's arguments, and that isn't fair to you. My advice to you is to stay out of such arguments entirely. Just say, "I'm sorry, but I really don't wish to get in the middle of this argument." Let them fend for themselves in this case. It is not fair for them to put you in such a difficult position.
That your family seems to hate you is a poor reflection upon their character, which isn't surprising given their lack of gratitude all these years and their mistreatment of you and the other members of your family.
Papabear has been told repeatedly by some members of his family that "blood is thicker than water" and to always stick by one's family. While one should strive to be a good son, father, brother, sister, mother, daughter, niece, nephew or whatever, there comes a point where that bond can be broken. Family is more than just genetics. Family are those who stick by you and love you no matter what. A father who inseminates a woman and then abandons the resulting child is a father in biology only. He is not a true father, nor is he a true man. You would have no obligation to such a person on moral grounds. Same for a neglectful mother.
Fuzzybutt, you are torturing yourself over a false belief system based on what wrong-minded people expect of you. Somehow, miraculously, you have grown up to be a kind and wonderful person. Now it is time for you to define your own family, gathering around you those who truly love you, care about you, and respect you. It is time for you to go out into the world, leaving those behind who not only have abused you but completely disrespect your very existence, and find a mate to love, friends to cherish, and build your family anew. You have already started this, it seems, and now it you must continue to pursue your new life, and to not be guilty for it. You have a right to be happy.
That is my hope for you.
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I appreciate such words. They mean a whole lot. Touching deeper than the heart itself, but reaching out and speaking words my mind, heart, and soul understand. But I am in no capable position to move yet. I had just been fired from my job, not only that I am only 17.
With your advice on starting a family of my own, I have. With friends. They're all waiting on me to 18 to walk out the door with no questions and move into our own place. For a mate, I have one. For 2 years we've been together, despite the great distance between us (with me being in Pennsylvania and him in California). I love him with all my heart and soul.
But I can share with you.... I have attempted suicide. With my father's own gun. I made sure it was next to fool proof, loaded, round was chambered, cocked back and safety off. I said goodbye to my friend and he called me. Talked to me as I cried for 2 hours. I told him I was sorry and pulled the trigger... Twice actually. It just clicked twice. Nothing more clicked. I checked it and there wasn't a thing wrong so I packed it away. My friend asked "was that what I think it was." I told him yes ... it didn't go off.
And that was my only attempt. I promised myself if I lived, I would never let the thought get to me again. Shit... I can't stop crying... I just feel... Like my mate... *sigh* he admitted himself all he's done was use Me from the beginning, but it changed when I stayed for two years, now he's just threatening breaking up because my "attitude" when it only erupts when he chooses sexual relations instead of a relationship...
I know one of the things your gonna say is seek help from a professional psychologist. I do. But I feel.. inside, better with the more people know.
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You know what? I also survived a suicide attempt. I took an overdose of sleeping pills back in college. Problem was, I took too many and started throwing up in my sleep, waking my roommate who took me to the hospital and got my stomach pumped.
As with me, take this as a sign: you are meant to live. You have not finished your purpose yet. You have much to do still.
Talk to your mate about your sexual relationship, and relationship in general. A relationship based only on sex is not a healthy one.
I have a feeling I will hear more from you. You are welcome to write again.
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