So before I ask my question, a little background. I’ve been a furry for the majority of my life, an AB/DL [Papabear says, FYI, that AB/DL = Adult Baby/Diaper Lover] since forever, a sissyfur for the past few years, and a girly boy forever. I am also currently 18.
So now for the questions:
Question one, I have a boyfriend the same age as me, and I love him more than life itself. Id take a bullet for him without hesitation. We want to eventually move in together and live together for the rest of our lives. But there are a few small problems. He isn’t a furry and doesn’t know I am. He also doesn’t know I’m AB/DL, or that I’m a sissy cross dresser. He does know that I have nocturnal incontinence, and he’s taken it in stride since its a medical problem. I know that it’s not healthy for there to be secrets in a relationship, so I want to know how I should let him know. Or maybe if I should just try to continue to keep it a secret. I’ve thought about just leaving those parts of me behind in order to avoid confrontation, but they are integral parts of my personalities. What’s your take on the situation?
Now, question two, the only person I’ve come out to is my boyfriend and my friends on the Internet. Nobody else knows, especially not my family. Now I’m sure you get coming out questions a lot, and I don’t know how unique my situation is, but I’m going to ask anyways. My family, with the exception of my abusive, drunkard, b*st*rd father, is extremely religious. Like, the kind that believes that if you’re anything but a Christian you’re going to hell, even if you’re the world’s most giving and loving person. They’ve even said on several occasions that they believe that there is a special place in hell for homosexuals. Now, I’ve read the Bible and I know that all that they say isn’t true, and that all the stuff that they say is completely opposite of what the Bible actually says, but thus is the ignorance of religious bigotry. I couldn’t explain to them their flawed logic if I tried. But despite all that, I still love my mom and the rest of my family, with the exception of my dad. I’m just not sure if I should come out to them, and if I should, I’m not sure when. My current plan is wait till I’ve moved out so that they cant kick me out before I’m ready, but I don’t know if there’s a technique to telling them that you could show me, because this secret has been pressing on my heart for a while now.
P.S. Do you think I should come out at work? I’m a salesperson at [a large retail store—censored by PB to prevent litigation] and I’m not the only homosexual there, but I’m still nervous.
* * *
Let’s do this from easiest to hardest, shall we?
1) Papabear’s first instinct is to say do NOT tell your bosses and coworkers. They are just part of your work-a-day life and don’t need to know about your personal life, as long as it doesn’t affect your job. Too often, even if there is an official policy not to, there will be discrimination against you. In some states (e.g., my former home of Michigan), it is even perfectly legal to fire a gay person. The one qualifier is you mention that you know others at the store are gay. Is that just because you know them personally (or they light up your gaydar?) or have they actually told management? I’m guessing, though, that if they told management and didn’t get fired, then you wouldn’t be asking me about it. Perhaps you should talk to your coworkers one-on-one and get their input.
2) You DO need to tell your mate about this. If the two of you are in love and going to live together, you need to be yourself 100% completely, and he deserves to know who you are completely. Hiding who you are from the one to whom you have given your heart will inevitably blow up in your face and destroy your relationship. So, tell him. How do you tell him? Well, how did he find out about your nighttime incontinence? It was unavoidable, wasn’t it. In a similar way, your other idiosyncracies will come out, whether you hide them or not, and it’s better you tell them up front rather than your mate finding out accidentally. Papabear had a similar situation. My mate is not a furry, but I knew that to have a relationship with him, I would have to be myself. So, one night I told him and he was amazingly understanding and receptive—because why? Because he loves me for me.
3) Family is a bit more difficult. Your father sounds too far gone to be receptive to such confessions, and the rest of your family is narrow-mindedly religious in a bad way. Even if there were a member or two in your clan you felt comfortable telling, chances are someone would blab and tell those who are less understanding and then the family would turn against you. This is particularly bad when one lives with and depends upon the family for food and shelter. That is when you DEFINITELY don’t tell them because you could find yourself out on the street with no visible means of support. So, if you do eventually tell them, make certain you can support yourself and have a place to live, just in case. At that point, you might want to approach them about it. God willing, you will be pleasantly surprised. Sometimes children underestimate their family’s ability to be loving and understanding. Sometimes not. You are the best judge of that.
In all cases, the best way to tell the people you care about concerning who you are is to make sure you are in a room with no distractions, and no one is feeling rushed to go somewhere else, such as work or the bathroom, pour a cool drink (or warm, depending on the weather), sit with them face to face, look them in the eye, and just tell them.
I hope this helps,
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.