A Lot of Things on His Plate Need to Be Addressed before He Decides about the BF

Hi,

You might remember me about that fursona which I fell in love with. Well I got out of that; it really helped me :). But I'm here with something else now :/

So my past was like no one would want it: family drama, dad badly depressed and addicted to alcohol, almost losing your mom cuz she was really sick. About my dad and what happened around that topic was an extremely hard time for me, and my sis, and my mom, but we still suffer from it—at least, I do. I have an anxiety disorder. More specifically, being scared of things that could or might happen, doesn't matter if they are possible or not, and panicking for going to somewhere.

I got a boyfriend 9 months ago; he's still mine, but in the meantime there happened bad things to him that hurt me, too, but I’m still there to support him, which I always did, even though he lives 700 kilometers away from me over the sea.

So all these bad things together made me pretty depressed at some point, and I still am.
I have a trauma from what has already happened at home—nothing bad, but just horrible and terrifying arguments between Mom and drunk Dad. I often thought he was going to kill my mom because I was scared and so.

Now my actual question goes about finally living together with my bf after all, but because of what has happened, I'm scared my bf will be like this as well after all. I'm scared my future will be as like my past :'( and I don't know if it would be better to break up or not, because of my anxiety my future will be the same as my past :(

And what I am stuck with is if I would break up with him or not, should I ignore my fear and go for it even if where I am scared of will be true, or will it be better to break up, although I'm sure I'll have this fear for living together with any guy that would be my bf. I think it doesn't make a difference if I break up or not, but I'm so doubtful :( and at school they all find me weird because I have ADHD and due to my anxiety disorder I’m not allowed to have medication for ADHD, because it would make everything worse than it is now except for being calmer.

But should I stay with my bf folfy or not?

Bluefluffy Fusky (age 17, Belgium)

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Dear Bluefluffy,

I am sorry for your troubles with your family and your struggles with anxiety and ADHD. That’s a lot on your plate for a little furry. My sympathies. You mention that you are not allowed medication for ADHD because of your anxiety disorder, so that must mean you have sought treatment for one or both of those conditions. That’s good, but it doesn’t sound like the help you have received thus far has been sufficient.

It is not uncommon for people to have both ADHD and anxiety disorder at the same time. In fact, about 40% of those who have one also have the other. In a way, they are related and can feed off each other. Being anxious can, for example, cause you to lose focus or be hyperactive, and being hyper can cause you to do things like forget to do something and that can lead to more anxiety. Now, as mentioned, you were considering medicine for the ADHD. The type of medicine often prescribed involves stimulants, which work well on ADHD but can make the anxiety worse. So, first suggestion would be to ask your doctor about non-stimulant medications to treat ADHD. They might not be effective, but they sometimes are and are worth a shot. Combine the non-stimulant for the ADHD with what a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) for treating your anxiety disorder. Again, these are things you need to talk to your doctor about.

The other factor here is your environment. Clearly this is causing stress, making you more anxious, so you would be a lot better off if either: a) the situation at home resolved itself, or b) you left that environment and found a place to live that was much calmer. Regarding the first option, has your father sought help for his alcoholism and depression? If not, there are places he can go for help. For example, Alcoholics Anonymous has chapters in Belgium, and, although I don’t know much about your country, I would be willing to bet there are other organizations he can get help from, too, for both alcoholism and depression. Do you belong to a church or temple? You can get help there for your father, as well. It sounds as though you and your mother and sister are afraid of your father; that’s not good at all, but if you form a united front, perhaps you can get him help. And perhaps you can get other family and friends on your side. This man is destroying your family, and it needs to stop.

Should Dad get treatment and get over his depressions, I guarantee that would go a million miles toward making your life happier. You would definitely see it lessen your anxiety, and that, in turn, could improve your ADHD situation.

But let’s move on to you and your boyfriend. He lives 700 km (435 miles) “over the sea,” so I take it he lives in the UK somewhere. You’re afraid that if you move in with your boyfriend, you’ll end up just like your mother and father? You really have told me very little about your bf. Is he an alcoholic? Is he abusive? Somehow, I believe if he were either you would not be interested in him. Have you taken on any characteristics of your father? If not, then probably the only reason you fear this repetition of history is because you have anxiety disorder and you pretty much are afraid of everything. And, yes, you are right that if you looked for another boyfriend you would have the same fears popping up again.

Bigger questions: do you love him? Does he love you? Have you met yet in person? Important questions to address before one takes the “should I leave him?” query on.

Bluefluffy, I can’t tell you whether or not to leave your boyfriend, but I can tell you that you need to do a lot more leg work before making a decision on this. Currently, you’re trying to solve an equation when all you have is variables; you need to plug in some numbers before the solution will be calculable. You need to, first of all, get yourself more help for your disorders, which, as far as I can tell, have not been sufficiently addressed; you need to see what, if anything, can be done to help your father; and, seriously, you need to know your boyfriend a lot better before you decide one way or another on staying with him (ideally, if at all possible, take a trip and spend some time with him in person).

Please consider the above, then get back to me if you have more questions.

Hugs,

Papabear