I am not very good expressing myself and English is not my mother tongue, so sorry for this letter may being a mess.
Well I don’t really know where to start or what exactly I want to ask.
I feel that until a few weeks ago, my life was a lie, I was wearing a mask, not being the person I am, just to please someone else.
When I was younger, I don’t remember my age then, signs were strong that I might be gay. I denied every sign, and made myself believe otherwise.
I did not wanted to give children in school another reason to pick on me, since as long as I can remember I was picked and hated by others just for being different. I read books and was in general interested in school, didn’t mind sports or all the "cool" TV shows everyone watched and expensive brands everyone has worn, I just didn't care.
After moving to an differnent city, I acted as cool one, at this time I realy hated gays and in general everyone. I made a few "friends" but yeah, the wrong kind.
We moved again, I started an job, and me still acting, fell into a deep depression.
A pit of self-denial, self-hatred and eating, I ate a lot.
On my 18. birthday my mom kicked me out, she couldn´t stand my depression any longer (Now I understand her and it was in my opinion the right thing for me)
I got a place for myself, and alone by myself I started feeling a little better. I didn´t had to act so much, but still depressed, on some days I couldn´t even get up.
Worst thing, I did not know why.
Then I met someone online, a friend, my best friend for the next 3 years.
I never told him from my depression, he was just there talking and playing games with me.
I decided to change, at this point he basically changed my life.
I started eating healthy, started doing sport, lost weight, found another job (i will start studying next year), accepted not being straight.
But still, I was living a lie, wearing a mask.
So, I tried to talk to him, about me, my feelings and all the stuff.
He didn´t care, in his opinion we weren’t even friends.
One day I had a mental breakdown, literally cried near him, I am happy I did not harm myself there. He blocked me, since when I am no fun, he wont play with me.
1 Month after not having any contact, he came to me and said HE would forgive ME for being like this, and we can play again, since he got bored.
I could never be myself near him, all I had to say, he didn´t care or "i should suck less".
It was realy an abusive "friendship", I was only there for his amusement. But I was attached so much I would say it was dangerous for me, mostly for my mental health.
1 month ago I put an end to this, I abandoned all contact. And since then I feel kinda free, being myself is so much more fun.
I can finally refer myself as an furry too, I was "kinda furry" since I was little.
I had kind of an "enlightenment" there.
My weak point is always trying to see the good in people, I despise humanity, but I love the individuals, I don’t want other people to feel like I felt, depressed, lonely, unloved...
I am yet not 100% sure about the real me, I still have to get "experience" there.
i am pretty lonely, I have no one and I feel like I cant make contact, I don’t know how, I never knew.
I would love to get known some people/friends/furs (mostly on the internet)
But I don’t know if I can, I am scared to find the wrong people, people using me again, people taking my kindness for their advantage.
If someone presents me sweet lies, I know I will buy them, I want to buy them, I want to see the good, I just cant stand the bad anymore.
I am scared that if I find another wrong friendship, it would "break."
All the scars inside can make you stronger, they sure did for me, but I am scared of an limit.
I kinda still act, no one I don’t know sees this side from me. I wont let them see, but I see nothing wrong there at least, hard shell, soft core I think, but what I wish for is someone who says he wont go, just an arm around me, some human warmth.
It sounds silly but if someone someday lays his arm around me, I will cry.
Thanks for reading that mess,
maybe I just wanted to get rid of these words.
another yet lonely wolf (age 22, Germany)
* * *
Papabear hears you. The game of the human race is a game of masks. Few people are completely themselves in front of others. That guy you were playing games with? He was probably doing that to forget his own troubles, and so, when you told him of your feelings, he couldn’t handle it and rejected you. He was trying to lose himself in game fantasy and you brought him back to reality, which he didn’t want.
School days can be the worst for someone who is different, whether that is being gay, or nerdy, or unathletic, or just not cool. Kids are terribly cruel to those who aren’t doing the things everything else is supposed to be doing, such as liking sports, or the newest music, or wearing chic clothing. All of that is preposterously shallow. The sad thing is, you would think that people would grow out of that as they became adults. In my experience, though, most of them are still playing school yard games and fighting for popularity.
Congratulations to you for not being shallow and wanting to be a genuine person.
At 22 you have a long way to go, so don’t give up. I’m 50 years old and am just now really coming into my own. You’ve made more progress than I did at your age.
I understand there is no real central question here that you are posing to Papabear, and it is absolutely all right for you to just write it all down and have someone listen.
I’m not going to solve all your problems in one letter. I agree with you that truly genuine people who care more about others than themselves are harder to find than shallow, self-involved people. But! They are out there.
How do you find them? You take the risk of reaching out, even though you might get hurt. Well, not might—you will get hurt. If you keep trying, though, you will find someone genuine.
If you like, you can start with me. I’m happy to listen. I don’t judge, and I completely understand where you’re coming from.
Write again when you feel up to it.
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