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12-Year-Old Has a Crush ... Then a Surprise

1/14/2017

1 Comment

 
Hello, Papabear,

I'm very unhappy. I don't know what to do. I love her so much, but still I know she can never be with me. There is no way for it to happen. Not even by a miracle. I'm crying as I write this. No one likes me. I have no friends. I get constantly bullied every day in school. I'm very unhappy and utterly confused. It hurts so much. She is amazing, gorgeous (both inside and out) in a way not a single person could imagine, a great student, extremely talented (can sing, paint, do sports well and play various instruments) ... She is so kind to everyone she meets, even to myself. She was the only one who smiled to me and not judging me or mocking me. I love her so much. I love her so much. I can't think straight. There is no way she could choose to be with someone like myself. I don't deserve her, but I can't help but love her. I don't want to come off as creepy to her. That is my worst nightmare, I can't even imagine something as stupid as that.

School is going to start again in a couple of days, I'm completely lost. I'm so scared, Papabear, please help me! I can't get anyone to help me and I lack a father figure in my life, which is a huge disadvantage. What should I do? She is the first person that I really fell in love with, I have a GIANT crush on her. I'm usually depressed and anxious but when I'm near her or when I notice her presence things change, at least a little bit.

I'm so sorry if I'm bothering you with my silly problems. I'm so sorry. I don't want to die alone!

-Silvertail (age 12)
 
* * *
 
Dear Silvertail,
 
You are not bothering me and your problem is not silly. Allow Papabear to try and give you some perspective.
 
First of all, take a deeeeeeeep breath, hold it for a few seconds, and let it go slowly. I completely get why you would fall in love for someone like this. She sounds quite remarkable. Combine that with the fact that she is kind to you when no one else seems to be, and you have a perfect formula for being head-over-heels in love. I get it. I acknowledge it. I am not going to belittle your feelings.
 
It’s good that you wrote to an older furry such as myself because you need to step back a bit and look at this with your head as much as your heart. Allow me to make a couple points here:

  1. You are 12 years old. I realize that cubs are apparently reaching puberty at an earlier age these days (a topic for another column), but when I was your age, my main interest was not girls (or boys) and romance; it was playing in the street with my friends, playing board games, swimming, worrying about school, and hoping I could go see Star Wars at the Chinese Theater. I was four years away from my first date. People grow up too fast these days. It’s unhealthy. You need to spend some time treasuring your childhood before it is gone, rather than weighing yourself down with serious subjects such as romantic love.
  2. You are 12 years old. This bears repeating. Even if you did successfully court this young girl, chances are you would have a few fun years together before life’s circumstances got in the way: you’d go to different colleges, find jobs in different places, decide to pursue interests that the two of you didn’t share. In short, you would grow up and grow apart. Not to mention the sheer impracticality of two people your age dating and socializing outside of school. You don’t even have a driver’s license yet.
  3. First loves. It is extremely, extremely rare that a first love, especially at your age, will last a lifetime. The average person dates several people during their early years, and many people have more than one serious relationship. Your fear that you will die alone is awfully premature! Don’t panic. You’re YOUNG!
 
All that said, there is no reason at all that this couldn’t be a nice little relationship that you will look back on in years to come with a smile on your face. Such experiences are extremely valuable. You learn how to be a part of a couple, to share, to be considerate and affectionate, to be a true friend. These skills will prove valuable later in life with future relationships until you eventually find someone who becomes, hopefully, your spouse, lover, and closest friend.
 
To proceed, do not pounce. Do not approach the girl with “I love you!” declarations while you clutch bouquets of flowers and boxes of candy as gifts. Instead, begin with friendship, which is actually how all solid relationships with strong foundations should begin. I don’t know how much you have talked to her so far, but it sounds like you have had some interactions. Now proceed to the next level. Invite her to do something fun with you, whatever that might be. She sounds like she has many interests, so hopefully you share one or more of them and could experience them together. Since you’re too young to drive her to a movie or dinner, perhaps you could share a school function together. (On the other hand, if you don’t share any of her interests, this would be a clue that she is not a promising love interest for you).
 
Start with friendship. See how that goes. If it goes well and you start to get close, that is when you go to the next level: a kiss, a hug, and, eventually, those three little words, “I love you.”
 
To some up: calm down, take it slowly, and if it doesn’t work out, don’t panic. You have a lot of living in the future to do and it’s way too early to be afraid you will die alone.
 
Good Luck!
Papabear

* * *

She has a girlfriend, she has made it known to everyone on her Facebook today..... I didn't know she's homosexual/bisexual. I'm not feeling alright right now. I don't know.

Oh, and I've never had a friend in my life. She has a ton of them. I feel like jumping off a bridge. All of my life, up to this point, has been nothing but suffering, pain and anxiety. I have NEVER felt "happy" in my life. Not even once. There was always something standing in the way.

Why me?

* * *
 
Hi, Silvertail.
 
Well, that's a twist. Kind of proves my point that first crushes don't work out, but that's with a different state of affairs. At any rate: so, okay, she's a homosexual or whatever. You still like her as a person, right? You could still be friends, maybe even great friends with her. Sounds like you need a friend, so don't dismiss the possibility of having one, even though she isn't what you expected. You say she treats you with kindness, and that is something you could really use.
 
As for never being happy a day in your life: I don't know your life history, but do your parents know? If not, they need to know. You might also have clinical depression--something that can be diagnosed and treated by a professional. Don't be afraid to ask people for help.
 
Hugs,
Papabear
1 Comment
Worthless (tropicaldude44@gmail.com)
1/16/2017 07:02:45 am

Same here. Social anxiety (due to the way you look especially) is a huge, huge fucking bitch. Before I developed social anxiety (again, for the way I look), I loved going places. I loved work, I loved college, I loved being in public.

Now I can't stand it at all. Now I dread every day I work, have school, or have errands. Any time I have to show my face in public, I have this intense fear and hatred anytime someone is around me or looking at me. Mostly because they do more than look, like stare, talk shit, smirk, even laugh sometimes. And THAT'S how I developed social anxiety. Not because I have some mental illness. Not because I was abused growing up (even though I was). It's because people are fucking assholes. I wouldn't be such a schizophrenic paranoid anxious person every time I was in public if people would just be decent humans and at least keep that shit to themselves. I couldn't care less how much they laughed about me when they're gone. I couldn't care what names they called me when they're gone. But when you get all kinds of that shit every day from every piece of shit, it does a real toll to your mental state.

Back before when I was stupid, ignorant, and blind, I didn't notice all these people judging me. It still happened, but it all went over my head. I had zero social anxiety at that point. None whatsoever. Then when I slowly started noticing every stares at me, then when I slowly started noticing a lot of people smirk and turn away like they're trying not to laugh, then when I slowly noticed those punk teenager shit heads were whispering as they walked by was about me, that's when I grew this immense hatred and fear of being in public.

So since literally everyone is a judgemental fucking prick, I'm one back. I am not nice to people anymore. I don't smile anymore. I don't do nice things for people anymore. I am now a condescending douchebag. All of this smelly pile of shit is because of the way society treats me. People who think we're just bitter assholes for the hell of it and say stupid shit like, "No wonder you can't get a girlfriend," are fucking stupid and ignorant. No, of course they won't understand. I never understood why some people were miserable assholes until I became one myself. Now I know why some people are assholes. This sounds selfish, but it's true. I totally blame society 100% for my dickhead attitude I have acquired. It is not my fault, and I will repeat that until my face is blue.

Sorry for the rant. I had work today, so I had to deal with the same bullshit I just talked about in the brick of text. I work in a grocery store, so I have to deal with literally thousands of assholes every day.

Like I said, big toll on the mental state. I know it doesn't help, but I hope you get better. I know how you feel, bro. Message me if you need to talk about anything.

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