Hello, Papabear,
I'm very unhappy. I don't know what to do. I love her so much, but still I know she can never be with me. There is no way for it to happen. Not even by a miracle. I'm crying as I write this. No one likes me. I have no friends. I get constantly bullied every day in school. I'm very unhappy and utterly confused. It hurts so much. She is amazing, gorgeous (both inside and out) in a way not a single person could imagine, a great student, extremely talented (can sing, paint, do sports well and play various instruments) ... She is so kind to everyone she meets, even to myself. She was the only one who smiled to me and not judging me or mocking me. I love her so much. I love her so much. I can't think straight. There is no way she could choose to be with someone like myself. I don't deserve her, but I can't help but love her. I don't want to come off as creepy to her. That is my worst nightmare, I can't even imagine something as stupid as that.
School is going to start again in a couple of days, I'm completely lost. I'm so scared, Papabear, please help me! I can't get anyone to help me and I lack a father figure in my life, which is a huge disadvantage. What should I do? She is the first person that I really fell in love with, I have a GIANT crush on her. I'm usually depressed and anxious but when I'm near her or when I notice her presence things change, at least a little bit.
I'm so sorry if I'm bothering you with my silly problems. I'm so sorry. I don't want to die alone!
-Silvertail (age 12)
* * *
Dear Silvertail,
You are not bothering me and your problem is not silly. Allow Papabear to try and give you some perspective.
First of all, take a deeeeeeeep breath, hold it for a few seconds, and let it go slowly. I completely get why you would fall in love for someone like this. She sounds quite remarkable. Combine that with the fact that she is kind to you when no one else seems to be, and you have a perfect formula for being head-over-heels in love. I get it. I acknowledge it. I am not going to belittle your feelings.
It’s good that you wrote to an older furry such as myself because you need to step back a bit and look at this with your head as much as your heart. Allow me to make a couple points here:
All that said, there is no reason at all that this couldn’t be a nice little relationship that you will look back on in years to come with a smile on your face. Such experiences are extremely valuable. You learn how to be a part of a couple, to share, to be considerate and affectionate, to be a true friend. These skills will prove valuable later in life with future relationships until you eventually find someone who becomes, hopefully, your spouse, lover, and closest friend.
To proceed, do not pounce. Do not approach the girl with “I love you!” declarations while you clutch bouquets of flowers and boxes of candy as gifts. Instead, begin with friendship, which is actually how all solid relationships with strong foundations should begin. I don’t know how much you have talked to her so far, but it sounds like you have had some interactions. Now proceed to the next level. Invite her to do something fun with you, whatever that might be. She sounds like she has many interests, so hopefully you share one or more of them and could experience them together. Since you’re too young to drive her to a movie or dinner, perhaps you could share a school function together. (On the other hand, if you don’t share any of her interests, this would be a clue that she is not a promising love interest for you).
Start with friendship. See how that goes. If it goes well and you start to get close, that is when you go to the next level: a kiss, a hug, and, eventually, those three little words, “I love you.”
To some up: calm down, take it slowly, and if it doesn’t work out, don’t panic. You have a lot of living in the future to do and it’s way too early to be afraid you will die alone.
Good Luck!
Papabear
* * *
She has a girlfriend, she has made it known to everyone on her Facebook today..... I didn't know she's homosexual/bisexual. I'm not feeling alright right now. I don't know.
Oh, and I've never had a friend in my life. She has a ton of them. I feel like jumping off a bridge. All of my life, up to this point, has been nothing but suffering, pain and anxiety. I have NEVER felt "happy" in my life. Not even once. There was always something standing in the way.
Why me?
* * *
Hi, Silvertail.
Well, that's a twist. Kind of proves my point that first crushes don't work out, but that's with a different state of affairs. At any rate: so, okay, she's a homosexual or whatever. You still like her as a person, right? You could still be friends, maybe even great friends with her. Sounds like you need a friend, so don't dismiss the possibility of having one, even though she isn't what you expected. You say she treats you with kindness, and that is something you could really use.
As for never being happy a day in your life: I don't know your life history, but do your parents know? If not, they need to know. You might also have clinical depression--something that can be diagnosed and treated by a professional. Don't be afraid to ask people for help.
Hugs,
Papabear
I'm very unhappy. I don't know what to do. I love her so much, but still I know she can never be with me. There is no way for it to happen. Not even by a miracle. I'm crying as I write this. No one likes me. I have no friends. I get constantly bullied every day in school. I'm very unhappy and utterly confused. It hurts so much. She is amazing, gorgeous (both inside and out) in a way not a single person could imagine, a great student, extremely talented (can sing, paint, do sports well and play various instruments) ... She is so kind to everyone she meets, even to myself. She was the only one who smiled to me and not judging me or mocking me. I love her so much. I love her so much. I can't think straight. There is no way she could choose to be with someone like myself. I don't deserve her, but I can't help but love her. I don't want to come off as creepy to her. That is my worst nightmare, I can't even imagine something as stupid as that.
School is going to start again in a couple of days, I'm completely lost. I'm so scared, Papabear, please help me! I can't get anyone to help me and I lack a father figure in my life, which is a huge disadvantage. What should I do? She is the first person that I really fell in love with, I have a GIANT crush on her. I'm usually depressed and anxious but when I'm near her or when I notice her presence things change, at least a little bit.
I'm so sorry if I'm bothering you with my silly problems. I'm so sorry. I don't want to die alone!
-Silvertail (age 12)
* * *
Dear Silvertail,
You are not bothering me and your problem is not silly. Allow Papabear to try and give you some perspective.
First of all, take a deeeeeeeep breath, hold it for a few seconds, and let it go slowly. I completely get why you would fall in love for someone like this. She sounds quite remarkable. Combine that with the fact that she is kind to you when no one else seems to be, and you have a perfect formula for being head-over-heels in love. I get it. I acknowledge it. I am not going to belittle your feelings.
It’s good that you wrote to an older furry such as myself because you need to step back a bit and look at this with your head as much as your heart. Allow me to make a couple points here:
- You are 12 years old. I realize that cubs are apparently reaching puberty at an earlier age these days (a topic for another column), but when I was your age, my main interest was not girls (or boys) and romance; it was playing in the street with my friends, playing board games, swimming, worrying about school, and hoping I could go see Star Wars at the Chinese Theater. I was four years away from my first date. People grow up too fast these days. It’s unhealthy. You need to spend some time treasuring your childhood before it is gone, rather than weighing yourself down with serious subjects such as romantic love.
- You are 12 years old. This bears repeating. Even if you did successfully court this young girl, chances are you would have a few fun years together before life’s circumstances got in the way: you’d go to different colleges, find jobs in different places, decide to pursue interests that the two of you didn’t share. In short, you would grow up and grow apart. Not to mention the sheer impracticality of two people your age dating and socializing outside of school. You don’t even have a driver’s license yet.
- First loves. It is extremely, extremely rare that a first love, especially at your age, will last a lifetime. The average person dates several people during their early years, and many people have more than one serious relationship. Your fear that you will die alone is awfully premature! Don’t panic. You’re YOUNG!
All that said, there is no reason at all that this couldn’t be a nice little relationship that you will look back on in years to come with a smile on your face. Such experiences are extremely valuable. You learn how to be a part of a couple, to share, to be considerate and affectionate, to be a true friend. These skills will prove valuable later in life with future relationships until you eventually find someone who becomes, hopefully, your spouse, lover, and closest friend.
To proceed, do not pounce. Do not approach the girl with “I love you!” declarations while you clutch bouquets of flowers and boxes of candy as gifts. Instead, begin with friendship, which is actually how all solid relationships with strong foundations should begin. I don’t know how much you have talked to her so far, but it sounds like you have had some interactions. Now proceed to the next level. Invite her to do something fun with you, whatever that might be. She sounds like she has many interests, so hopefully you share one or more of them and could experience them together. Since you’re too young to drive her to a movie or dinner, perhaps you could share a school function together. (On the other hand, if you don’t share any of her interests, this would be a clue that she is not a promising love interest for you).
Start with friendship. See how that goes. If it goes well and you start to get close, that is when you go to the next level: a kiss, a hug, and, eventually, those three little words, “I love you.”
To some up: calm down, take it slowly, and if it doesn’t work out, don’t panic. You have a lot of living in the future to do and it’s way too early to be afraid you will die alone.
Good Luck!
Papabear
* * *
She has a girlfriend, she has made it known to everyone on her Facebook today..... I didn't know she's homosexual/bisexual. I'm not feeling alright right now. I don't know.
Oh, and I've never had a friend in my life. She has a ton of them. I feel like jumping off a bridge. All of my life, up to this point, has been nothing but suffering, pain and anxiety. I have NEVER felt "happy" in my life. Not even once. There was always something standing in the way.
Why me?
* * *
Hi, Silvertail.
Well, that's a twist. Kind of proves my point that first crushes don't work out, but that's with a different state of affairs. At any rate: so, okay, she's a homosexual or whatever. You still like her as a person, right? You could still be friends, maybe even great friends with her. Sounds like you need a friend, so don't dismiss the possibility of having one, even though she isn't what you expected. You say she treats you with kindness, and that is something you could really use.
As for never being happy a day in your life: I don't know your life history, but do your parents know? If not, they need to know. You might also have clinical depression--something that can be diagnosed and treated by a professional. Don't be afraid to ask people for help.
Hugs,
Papabear
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