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Being Furry Can Help Alleviate Social Anxiety

8/13/2020

Dear Papa Bear,

How can I convince my mom to let me make a mini partial fursuit? I told my mom I was a furry through text (I have social anxiety so it was too hard to say it aloud) and I told her I really wanted to make a “furry costume”. She wouldn’t let me do it and she said I shouldn’t be looking up furry stuff. I know there is inappropriate stuff but I don’t look at it. She always complains that I’m lazy so she should be happy I want to put effort into something. I wanna explain to her that it’s not inappropriate but I don’t have enough confidence bc of social anxiety. Being able to make my own fursuit would make me the happiest.

~Erin

* * *

Dear Erin,

The internet can be a wonderful thing, but when it comes to the fandom, it can prejudice parents against letting their kids explore the fandom. This is a shame, because not only is the fandom fun, it can have many benefits as well. Helping people like you who suffer from social anxiety is one of these benefits. If instead of going on the internet to look for furporn your mother searched on "social anxiety and furry fandom" she would find articles and videos about how many young people have treated their anxiety by being furry and enjoying its community. It also helps people suffering from various degrees of autism spectrum disorder.

Here are just a couple articles and videos you can show your mother:

I would also suggest your mother visit the Moms of Furries website at https://mofurries.com/. These two mothers were, like yours, nervous about their kids participating in the fandom, but they gave it a try and found it had a lot of benefits for helping them get out of their shells and socialize in healthy ways.

Being a furry has lots of benefits. Point these out to your mom and tell her she should avoid jumping to conclusions because of furporn. Porn is all over the web, not just furry sites, but that is not what you--indeed, most furries--are about.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

Papabear

0 Comments

Is Furporn Good or Bad?

8/2/2020

5 Comments

Hey Papa Bear,

I would like to hear your opinion on what you think about furry porn. …But that question alone is only worth maybe a “it’s good” or “it’s bad” answer, so… The true question is, what do you think of the whole scope about furry porn, and how it affects artists, members of the fandom, etc etc.

To give you more to work with, ever since I was a wee little chap watching TV with my lower lip quivering, and my eyes gleamed when I saw Flamedramon for the first time, I knew what I was in for. That said… The porn is good and all, but I’m always very sad to see how it affects the fandom. This mix of popularity and sexuality seem to entice many people, artists and commissioners alike, into very deplorable habits of flaunting for instant gratification, of filling their galleries to the brim with art of very varied levels of quality involving their sonas into every possible existing sexual scenario on this planet, just for the sake of… Attention, right? Well, money too, in case of the artists. Is that really worth it in the long-term?

It always bums me out that this sexy animal guy I’m jerking off to is almost surely a total douchebag if I met him in person, which… From my own experience, is very often true (But I admit that that’s on ME because I’m a very judgmental idiot and I also have impossibly high standards for everything. I’m sure someone out there could get to know one of those people and find their life-long partner, and that’s perfectly okay.) Still, there are also exceptions. I’ve seen some artists who draw porn but they don’t let their egos get mixed up in it (as much), and I respect those way more because they’re just more human to me. And I’m glad because otherwise that would’ve probably made me a total hypocrite, grabbing my dick with one hand and pointing and judging people with the other…

... Anyway, now that I made my point of view awfully, almost tangibly clear, I would like to hear yours. Hopefully it’s different from mine because I’d like to learn something new from this.

I await curiously for your reply.

~Uncle Tuper

* * *

Dear Uncle Tuper,

Sex and the fandom is a huge topic, and it is one I discuss in my book. It is difficult in a column to cover all the bases, but here's the gist of my take on furporn: Mundanes focus on this aspect on the fandom because they themselves do not have healthy attitudes about sex or they are incredibly inhibited about it (religious and other societal pressures cause this). They are uncomfortable with the idea of a fantasy-related fandom, and so, in seeking a way to reject it because it is "not normal," they zero in on what they feel is its unsavory aspect (furporn), and stereotype furries as sex addicts and zoophiles in order to reject and shame them.

Why, then, do furries get into the porn aspect? There are a lot of reasons, and none of them have to do with zoophilia. Furporn is just one form of many types of sexual fantasies that people have. You can go on the Internet and find all kinds of fantasy porn out there, some of it is much more strange than anthro sex. Okay, so, why specifically fantasies about anthros? Gosh, there is a laundry list. For one thing, various anatomical features of animals could turn people on, such as the soft fur of a feline or the genital girth of a horse or the fact that an elephant can play with you with its trunk. There are also fantasies such as vore, which has to do with the submission fantasy or even the fantasy of the return to the womb (very Freudian). There is, too, the animalistic nature of it all--wild and passionate sex without inhibition. Also, assuming a fursona in sexual roleplay is a form of self-defense against sexual shame ("It isn't ME doing this, it's my fursona.") Why so much furporn out there? Why do so many people commission artists to draw porn? Well, one reason might be that the fandom demographics skew toward the young range, and, let's face it, young people have "raging hormones" and tend to be horny. Hence, porn. If it weren't furporn, it would be something else X-rated (Star Wars porn, cartoon porn, whatev).

I have no problem with furporn (in fact, I'm a fan LOL). It is not inherently "bad" or "good." Sexual fantasies are only "bad" if they become addictions (i.e., you become so obsessed with porn that it interferes with your daily functions in the world) or if they become violent or hurtful to others in any way (i.e., acting out fantasies for any kind of non-consensual sex). Outside of these two conditions, furporn and sexual fantasies about furries can actually be a healthy and normal thing. Sexual fantasies can assist people in exploring their sexual identities, likes and dislikes, and add a bit of zing to a relationship you might already be in.

What mundanes need to get over is focusing on this one aspect of the fandom. The furry fandom offers a lot more than just some X-rated art. If you focus only on porn, you are missing out on a lot.

So, when it comes to you, personally, I would suggest you explore a bit further what exactly you like about Flamedramon, and this can teach you a bit about yourself. As for online relationships, you should always be cautious about these and make sure you don't let in a predator or other jerk. Such people eventually make themselves known, so you will figure out whether "sexy animal guy" is a jerk or not. If he is, dump him and move on. There are lots of furries out there who are very cool people.

Don't beat yourself up for having sexual feelings or that these feelings range into the world of fantasy. There is nothing wrong with you. Just remember to be kind to other people and avoid trolls along the way.

Hope that eases your mind.

Hugs,
Papabear

5 Comments

How to Have a Good Fandom Experience

5/19/2020

1 Comment

Hello, PapaBear,

Two very close friends of mine who have been part of this community fro a good while have recommended me to ask you regarding some pointers for starting out in the furry community, as for myself, I am rather new to the world of anthropomorphic animals and the cool, creative ideas that this will conjure up! As for what I decided to do with this field, my fursona is a friendly and wholesome Sun Bear who likes to fish for salmon in the woods and enjoys honey like most bears tend to do, details aside, my question is this: How do I best present myself appropriately in this community so that I may enjoy myself, let people enjoy me as a person and the character I portray, and to better avoid the more unfriendly and toxic side of this community (because as sad as it is, there are people in this world who tend to be unwelcoming and a bad influence to others.) Not to mention, it's very nice to hear some wisdom from a veteran who would know more about this then I would, who just so happens to be a bear as well!

Many thanks in advance,

Tuftrunk

* * *

Dear Bro Bruin,

There is no one way to become an active part of the furry family. Back during its early years, when it was a few anthro fans meeting at sci-fi conventions and sharing APAs, it definitely WAS an isolated community that only a few people could participate in (e.g., you couldn't get a copy of an APA magazine unless you also contributed to it). Today, anyone can join and participate, whether that is in one of the numerous online outlets (Facebook, FurAffinity, Furry Aminos, Discord, Telegram, etc. etc. etc. etc.) or in person at a furmeet or furcon, there is no end to the many opportunities.

As you become more active, make sure your motivations for getting attention are healthy ones. Many times, furries write to me asking me how they can be popular and get attention in the fandom. In other words, they envy popufurs and want to be like them and to have their existence validated. This is incorrect motivation. Don't fall into that trap, for its jaws will consume you.

Addressing your question, "How do I best present myself appropriately in this community so that I may enjoy myself, let people enjoy me as a person and the character I portray, and to better avoid the more unfriendly and toxic side of this community...," the best way to present yourself is to simply be a good furry. Don't be a douchebag and you will inevitably make friends. Look for communities within the fandom that share your interests (e.g., being a bear, you might like to join my Bear Furries group on Facebook).

As for avoiding the "toxic side" of the family, that is all about the company you keep, and that means being a good judge of character, which is how you avoid toxic people in ANY community, not just the fandom. Obviously, stay away from people like the Nazi furs or others who try to make the fandom something political or exclusionary. Avoid people who try to define what furry is (in their favor) and who try to exclude others because "they aren't real furries." Also, avoid furries who only wish to have a hookup with you. These are the ones who will cause you grief.

Fortunately, most furries are kind, friendly, fun, and welcoming. This should be about fun and frolic, not about creating drama. Don't create drama, don't participate in drama (often manufactured by trolls desiring attention), and DO hang with people who simply like movies, TV shows, drawing, playing games, and having a good time. Do this and you, too, will have a good time.

Don't worry about your rep. Don't worry who likes you and who doesn't. Furry is all about being your true self. Be yourself and you will find others who want to be with you to share mutual loves and interests.

Welcome to the fandom!

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

1 Comment

The Self-Actualized Furry Is a Happy Furry

4/14/2020

0 Comments

Hi, Papabear,

I'm a 16 year old male that lives in Kwa-ZuluNatal, South African, and I found you on FurAffinity. I need your advice on how I can find my fursona. And if you don't mind. How do I tell my family about this?

All the best,
Anonymous

* * *

Hello, Furiend,

Since you don't offer much in the way in details in your letter, it is hard to give you specific advice. Each person is different, and that affects everything from fursonas to how you explain this to your parents. So, please take advantage of the categories on my website, browse the letters, and hopefully you will find something helpful. If not, write again and give me some details on your particular situation.

For advice on fursona design, go here: http://www.askpapabear.com/letters/category/fursonas
For advice on "coming out" furry, go here: http://www.askpapabear.com/letters/category/coming%20out%20furry

Take Care,

Papabear Grubbs

* * *

Hi, Papabear,

Sorry I wasn't clear in my last letter I'll try to do better in this one.

I'm not myself right now and I think the furry community can help me find myself again.I try talking to my mom about this and she is a bit scared because she has never heard about the furry community and I don't blame her.Its just me my mom and sister,I don't have someone to talk to about this. I'm just so confused right now and would like advise on how to go forward from this point.

* * *

Dear Furiend,

Pardon me for responding in generalities, since I don't know all the details about who you are, but I do like the way you phrase the question: How can the furry community help you find yourself again?

The first question coming to my mind, then, is: Did you once know who you were in the past? How did you lose yourself?

It sounds as though you are seeking identity by finding a community to which you can belong; a group of people that accept you as you were apparently once accepted but no longer feel accepted. Reading between the lines makes me wonder whether this is because you have discovered something about yourself that is not socially acceptable, such as something to do with your sexual identity. I only say this because that is a very common problem among people who feel rejected by society, especially when it comes to your teen years when you are discovering your sexual orientation.

But in order to find acceptance anywhere, my furiend, you must first accept yourself. Do you accept yourself and who you are? Probably not, since you say that you have lost yourself. How does one accept oneself?

Step 1: You must assert that you are not doing anything wrong or immoral by being you. Unless you are deliberately harming others, you are not doing anything wrong. Do not measure yourself by societal standards. Society is wrong. A lot. For example, many societies have condoned slavery, racism, child labor, and the oppression of women as "normal." Even if such standards are written into law, it doesn't make them right. The same is true for religious beliefs. These are also often wrong. Finally, while parents and family often mean well, they can be wrong, too. Do not be afraid to acknowledge that your parents are not always right and they might be misguided because they have listened to what society dictates rather than to what is true and just. It's not their fault. Almost everyone makes this mistake, but you don't have to.
Step 2: Listen to your inner voice. Everyone has one. It is my belief that one's conscience is a direct line to the divine. If you listen, your heart will tell you what is right and will tell you who you are.
Step 3: Once you figure out who you are and have recognized your inner voice connection to the spiritual being that many call "God," but I call "One," then it is time to live your life according to who you are. As someone who has been on that journey, believe me when I say you will never be happy until you reach this point.

Once you have achieved self-acceptance and actualization, that is the time to seek out community. Many furries make the mistake of doing the opposite: seeking a community that validates who they are rather than validating themselves first. The problem with doing it that way is that the furry community--like any other community--has some bad people in it who will troll you and attack you and say things like "you're not a real furry," and too many furries take this to heart. They then complain that the furry community has rejected them (it has not, only a few bad eggs have) and the next thing you know they start posting online about how furry drama is rampant and it is all the fault of the furry community.

But the self-actualized furry (or whatever you consider yourself to be) will have the confidence and self-respect to find good people, as I have done, and form their community around them. In other words, you become a seed for a cloud of like-minded, like-spirited people who will then become your personal community.

Another wonderful effect of being self-actualized is that you will no longer have to seek your fursona. IT will find YOU. For example, once I figured out and accepted I was a gay bear, well then! Grubbs Grizzly walked right into my life and wrapped me in his furry body.

As for telling Mom about your interest in furry, the best way to approach mundanes with it is to compare it to other fandoms, such as superhero fandoms or fans of Star Trek or Star Wars. It's not a perfect comparison because you and I know that the furry fandom is unique, but most non-furries won't get that. Therefore, just tell Mom, in terms she can understand, that it is simply imaginative fun similar to dressing up as a superhero or pretending you're Spock on Star Trek, only it is about anthro animals like the ones in Zootopia (use popular movies and don't talk about underground furry art and such; relate to things with which they are familiar).

I hope these tips help you. Thanks for writing.

Hugs,
Papabear

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Tips to Help an Anxious Dragon Reenter the Fandom

4/3/2020

0 Comments

Hi there. I’m really lost on this one.

My boyfriend and I are both in the furry fandom. He’s much more charismatic and nice than I am (though I may be biased). He has social media where he gets art pieces done, and I really want to join the fun.

I have really bad anxiety, to the point where even putting change into my wallet in the line for checkout in a shop can give me a panic attack.

I’m just scared. I know it’s a fandom where some less than stellar people, art thieves and bullies are very prominent, as I’ve been driven away from the fandom before. But I would love nothing more than to get art with my man! Any tips to overcome this and enjoy the fandom with him?

Thank you very much in advance.

- A Very Anxious Dragon

* * *

Dear Dragon,

My goodness, you do have very severe anxiety, don't you? A lot of people don't understand such anxiety, but over the last couple of years, I have had direct experience with my husband, who has PTSD and anxiety from the war (he was on the front lines). Such anxiety can be the result of many things, such as past trauma or a difficult childhood; it can also arise from certain genetic and biological factors. These are things for a doctor to diagnose and treat. Have you consulted with a doctor about your anxiety? If not, you really should. There are a number of medications that can help ease your anxiety, if not dispel it entirely, that will make it easier for you to live your life.

There are also several non-pharmacological treatments that can help. This is always where I go to Eastern advice on treatments, such as meditation and yoga or qigong and practicing mindfulness (learn the ways of the Buddha). Also, simple exercise and improvements in diet can help a lot--you would be surprised. Try to get outside and do something physical (walks help me a lot); do not eat processed foods and foods with lots of additives; try to eat fresh vegetables, fruits, and meats whenever possible. Drink herbal teas, especially tea with ginger, chamomile, peppermint, lemon balm, passionflower, or a simple green tea. Caffeine can exacerbate anxiety, so try to avoid coffee and soda.

Okay, that all said, let's get back to furry interaction. I have an idea: since you are fortunate to have a furry mate with lots of experience doing stuff in the fandom, how about you work together as a team? I know a couple of furries who have Facebook and other social media pages jointly. You can have the "Dragon and Wolf" or "Dragowolf" (I'm just guessing he's a wolf, but whatever fursona he has, combine them) and start soliciting artwork together. That way, you can lean on him some to navigate through the fandom. He can still, of course, have his own pages, and when you are ready, you can go solo, too, but I think it would be really helpful to you to do this jointly until you can get into a comfort zone where you are confident enough to do stuff on your own (what a blessing to you to have a furry bf!)

And this can work in any social context because you will find "less than stellar" people everywhere, not just the furry fandom. Form some mutual friendships with you, your boyfriend, and his friends. Go out and socialize together.

Also! Lean on your fursona, your alter ego. You're a dragon, and I bet there is a very good reason you are one: you admire the strength and beauty of the fire lizard, don't you! Fursonas often represent what we wish to be. I know this is true for me and my alter ego, Grubbs Grizzly. Grubbs is much more outgoing, laid back, and chill that Kevin Hile. He is the kind of person I wish to be. So, when you are a dragon, BE a dragon. Adopt your fursona's abilities, strengths, and personality traits. Become the dragon. This can do a lot to help you with anxiety! When you go to buy art or interact with furries, do so as the dragon. Don't be "Very Anxious Dragon." Be "Bold! Powerful! Dragon"

So, that's my advice: work on managing your anxiety, partner up with your boyfriend as you venture back into the fandom, and be the dragon.

Hope that helps!

Hugs!
Papabear

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Furry Creativity Is Healthy for Young Kids

10/22/2019

0 Comments

Hi, Papabear!

So I'm dealing with a issue lately. My parents keep on wanting me to not show my furry side of me. Its a long story but i will make it quick. My friend and I got in a huge fight over me just being a furry and my parents told me, "You can pretend to be a animal but dressing up as one has to stop." My heart just stopped for 1 sec. I just sat in my room and started to get mad because we are not animals and it's a insult. I know he did not mean to do it, but it still hurts. I really want to show him a Moms of Furries video. But I highly doubt he would watch all of it. So the only way I can seriously be a furry in any way is Zootopia. But that is what I thought...

He got on me for THAT too! Now I can't be a furry and that's not fair. Now I just want to send cool art of anthro animals to my friends but no... I CAN'T (ugh).

Hope you can help,

GlaDOS the wolf age:11

* * *

Dear GLaDOS,

I've been receiving more and more letters from furries like you who are under 15 years of age. Unlike older furries, who are often out on their own, have transportation, and can socialize and be independent, being a very young furry can be difficult because you are under a lot of restrictions: you don't have much, or any, money, you can't hop in a car and go to a furmeet, and your parents control what you do while you are at home (an out in the world, too). That can be very frustrating.

It is important to note, before I proceed, that most parents put various rules and restrictions on their children in an effort to protect them from harm. Some parents of furries forbid them from being furry because they have seen furry porn on the web and feel that it is a bizarre sex thing. Even if that is not the case, many parents forbid furriness because they just think "it's weird" and they are afraid of their children being bullied in school for being weird. They, like most people, are conformists--that is, they want to be "like everyone else" so that they are not rejected by society, and so they want the same for their children. "Normal" society is not imaginative, creative, or playful. "Normal" society is all about getting a college degree, getting a steady job, paying taxes, starting a family, and buying a house.

In other words, boring.

What many modern-day parents do not seem to understand is that imagination is important--especially in childhood, but also into adulthood. Imagination in childhood is exercised through play. Not the highly-organized, regimented play of, say, sports (sports are important for physical health and to learn teamwork, but not for imagination), which is so emphasized by our society, but the unstructured, creative play that is done naturally by most children until it is squashed out of their lives by parents, teachers, and peers. Pretending to be something else, role-playing, and costuming are all valid forms of play, and being furry is certainly one way of expressing this.

Furry roleplay and costuming are beneficial for a number of reasons:

Fostering creativity and imagination, which can improve problem-solving abilities later in life.
Encouraging empathy by developing the ability to see the world from another perspective. Learning through imitation assists children in exploring their world.
In the case of furries, RP and fursuiting bring a closer connection to the animal world and nature, something that is sorely missing from many kids living in urban or suburban environments.
Psychologists say that children often cope with emotional turmoil through play. Acting out fears and anxieties through roleplay is extremely beneficial to them.
Motor skills can be improved through fursuiting. Learning how to adapt physically to the environment while in costume can actually help things like balance, vision, hearing, and coordination.
Furries often engage in crafts, everything from making fursuits to making crafts and art all foster various skills that can even result in future careers in the adult world.
Fursuiting and roleplay assist with social skills as children interact with other people, both furries and nonfurries.
Memorization and thinking skills: furries often learn a lot about animals, art, furry culture, movies, mythology, history, and other things through furry roleplay, all of which improve cognition.
Play is simply fun. In a world full of work, responsibility, and chores, a person needs fun for the sake of their own sanity.

Parents who forbid their kids from doing things without explaining why usually find that this has the opposite effect on their children: the child wants to do that activity more than ever before. Bad parenting is the "Do it (or don't do it) because I said so." Ask your parents to give you a reason why you can't do fursuiting. Then give them the above reasons why it is actually a good and healthy thing to do. If they are afraid of your being teased by kids, well, if you are prepared for teasing then that is not an issue. (You can also explain furry benefits to your friend with the same list above).

Remember, it is the creative people, the people who don't fit in a box, who are the most beautiful, shine the brightest, and live the loudest in this world.

Good Luck, Hon, and Bear Hugs,

Papabear

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Bullies Redux

9/16/2019

0 Comments

Hi Papabear.

I found your website by looking on google for someone to help me out with a problem that has been plaguing me for years.

For around 5 years, I have been involved in the furry community. I have a fursona, Alula, and I'm not really shy about it. No, I don't go around waving my tail in everyone's face, but I'm not ashamed of it. I treat it the same way I treat the fact that I'm Queer. If I want to talk about it, I will. If you ask me about it, I'll probably tell you unless your being a jerk.

Two weeks ago was the first day of school. As per usual, almost every teacher wanted to play some "Get-to-know-you-game." In theater, we were playing a game where you tear toilet paper and for each square you have to tell about yourself. Now, the teacher didn't tell us about the game at first, so I of course rolled out 20 or 30 squares. So I was at square 20 something and I didn't know what to say so I mentioned the fact that my fursuit is being made right now and should be sent to me soon. I told a few details about her and then I went to the next square.

Now I thought that would be the end of it. Great, a few people gave me looks of disgust. Who cares. I go to lunch two days later and see a bunch of eyes on me and hear laughing. Someone told the entire theater department that I sleep (to keep kind words) with dogs. Everyone is laughing at me and I don't know what to do. Please help.

Alula (age 16)

* * *

Dear Alula,

First of all, congrats on your fursuit being made and I hope that you enjoy it for many years to come. Now, to the issue at hand....

Okay, so, you're in high school, which for nearly everyone is a quagmire of social drama difficult for anyone to navigate, and, to make matters worse, no one gives you an instruction manual on how to manage things such as bullying and gossip and the social strata and cliques that form. There is, as you know, the constant battle over who are the popular and cool kids and who are the losers and rejects.

But there is a big difference between a bunch of white teeth teens and those keeping it 100. You are being true to yourself, and the fact that you are descending into a world where you are getting bullied is indicative of the sus jerks who only seek membership within the schmid crowd. High school society is like a wolf pack--those who are seen as weak or different are bitten and harrassed by the dom wolves to create a hierarchy. When you are seen as different in any way, the alphas and betas leap and try to shove you into omega status. Seriously, high school is little better than a savage game of survival of the most "socially acceptable." This is a phenomenon that is learned in the schoolyards of America and then continues, sadly, into the adulting world.

So, was the above paragraph so extra coming from a 54-year-old bear? I was kind of making a point with the slang I was using. You're 16, so you likely know better than I do whether those terms were used right or not, but even if they are right, sounds lame coming from a greymuzzle, doesn't it? In the same way, you stand a risk of becoming lame if you don't stay true to yourself. Ask yourself this: Do you want to be special in this life or be just like all the other mundanes in the world--boring, nose-to-the-grindstone, paying your taxes, raising 2.3 children, and dying in an office cubicle? Or do you wish to be special, unique, and have fun in this life, which is the only life you're gonna get?

The reason why you are bothered by the cowardly whispers and giggles is that, currently, you want the approval of others; you want acceptance. That's perfectly understandable, but ask yourself whose approval do you seek? People you respect or people who just want to be part of the norm even if that means hurting others with rumors or worse? People who gossip and care about superficial things are not worthy of your concern.

The best way to deal with bullies is to take away their power by not giving a damn what they are saying because, when you consider the source, they aren't worth your time. Meanwhile, actively look for people who are good friend material. Perhaps even find some furries in school, if possible. Next, lead by example. That is, be a good person, do good deeds, show yourself to be really cool. The more awesome you are in real life, the more the whispers will fade away into inconsequential nothingness. An extreme example: imagine a rumor going about that Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. once had his fly open during a speech. Now compared to all the amazing things Dr. King did, who the fuck would care if he accidentally forgot to zip up one time? Similarly, if you go around doing volunteer work or doing other awesome stuff, then people who gossip about your being a furry will look foolish. Also, it will give furries a good name :-3

Make being furry cool. Then there's nothing to mock.

Remember, if bullying becomes serious, tell someone in charge at the school such as a school counselor. Tell your parents, as well, if you are bullied. It is important that you don't do this alone. But if you really need some comebacks (and ONLY do this if you are cornered and have to defend yourself) ... if you catch people gossiping about you, here are some things you can say:

"I can take off my fursuit, but you'll always be ugly."
"That would hurt me if I cared about your opinion or who you are."
"If it's acceptable for you to be an asshole, then it is fair game for me to point it out."
"If spreading lies about me makes you feel better about yourself, then go ahead. I'm happy to help with your self-esteem issues."
"You know, you're confusing me. Normally, people with your limited appeal make up for it with good looks or intelligence."
"Yes, I like furries, which is better than liking haters like yourself."
"Shaming people says more about you than it does about me."
(Only when responding to untrue rumors about you) "I like being a furry, and your boyfriend seems to like me being furry, too!" wink wink
(When you just hear laughing) Laugh back at them. If they say "What are you laughing at?" say, "You, of course. It's hysterical that you think laughing at me makes me feel bad."
(If they accuse you of sleeping with dogs) "I don't sleep with dogs, which is a choice. You don't sleep with dogs because even a dog wouldn't want you."

Bullies and gossips are weak people. Standing up to them makes them whither away.

Hugs,
Papabear

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What Do You Do If You Get No Replies?

9/8/2019

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Hello!

I have a question about popular furs. I’ve always looked up to them but when ever I try to talk to them online, I never get a response. I don’t hate them nor do I want them gone, I just wish they would say thanks or hello.

I guess I kind of don’t like the fact they have so many friends while I don’t. It kind of hurts to see them with their friends and having so much fun while I can’t really go to conventions or do the kind of stuff they do. I live in a state that is literally just looked over and seen as another empty place.

Should I chalk this up to being just jealous or them not really caring about someone who isn’t as popular or interesting as they are?

Thanks,
Rivet

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Dear Furiend,

I've talked about popufurs in passing in various columns before, but I don't believe I have addressed the issue head-on just yet, so thank you for your question.

Let's define what "popufur" means to start off. The denotation is, basically, anyone in the furry fandom who has gained a lot of popularity and followers for one reason or another; the underlying, less flattering connotation that has developed is that a popufur is someone who is, to put it simply, an elitist in the fandom who is also dismissive of anyone who is not as popular as they are.

I know of one or two popufurs who don't have a great attitude, but I don't think we should write off all furries who are popular just because they have a lot of friends and followers and automatically consider them jerks. That's not fair at all.

Let's take a look at your experience. You say you have tried to contact some popular furries and "never get a response." There may be some legitimate reasons for this. For one thing, some furries may be a bit gun shy about people they don't know who contact them out of the blue and wish to engage in dialog. Or they might be overwhelmed by people contacting them and forget to reply! I've done that, too! Ack! Another possibility is that, depending on what your message says, they might just think you were saying hello and not necessarily looking for a reply.

A good way to get replies from people is to ask them specific questions that would elicit a response. If you say something like, "I am a big fan of yours and love your fursuit!" this might not result in a response. If you, on the other hand, say, "I am a big fan of yours and wanted to know if you made your fursuit or if someone else did, and, if so, who did?" this is more likely to get a reply.

At any rate, if you're writing to someone who doesn't know you and don't get a reply, don't worry about it. A bigger issue is communicating with people you do know. If they don't reply, then that is a lot more rude of them and you need to figure out why they are not reacting to you reaching out to them.

Hugs,
Papabear

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Will EU Regulations Affect Access to Furry Sites for a Brexit Victim?

5/11/2019

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Dear Papabear,

I'm going to be blunt. This one problem is like a hydra - you cut one head off, two more take its place. I've been through the procedure mentioned in my last letter and survived, but with the world currently as it is, I'm not sure whether I'd really want to.

I'm really, really worried about the UK and my life and where I'll be in the next few years and I feel like I'm losing my grip on things. It's overwhelming when I wake up in the morning and just feel constantly depressed over how my life is falling apart and I don't have any control over it.

This first started back in 2016 with the EU referendum. I was too young to vote in it, but my family voted leave. I was at the time a remainer in secret, as my grandmother has this habit of force feeding her opinion to everyone else. Flash forward three years and it's approaching Brexit day. Whatever side people voted on, it's clear it's going to hit our economy pretty hard. There's talks of diverting already stretched police forces to the border to help with new customs checks etc., and food prices facing a significant increase.

But then there's the other side of the problem. In the past, I've used the fandom to escape from all of this, but this is now under threat from Article 13 (since renamed to Article 17) of the EU Directive on Copyright in the Digital Single Market. This law, while it does not explicitly state this in writing, would force all Internet sites to install filters to check for copyright infringement at the point of upload for user generated content (basically YouTube's Content ID system but stricter and for everything). I run a furry YouTube channel that I fear will get deleted (YouTube's CEO has said they might have to block EU uploads) and the problem only gets worse from there. While there are exceptions written for small sites, the vast majority of sites don't fall into these. And back when GDPR [General Date Protection Regulation] was introduced, a lot of websites restricted EU access. I worry that sites such as FurAffinity and Furry Amino will choose this option instead of spending a fortune on filters (that are expected to be 100% perfect and non erroneous, which is effectively impossible) and simply choose to block all internet traffic from the EU, effectively cutting me off from the fandom. (The final Parliamentary vote on this law is on Tuesday at midday UTC therefore please read up on the result before replying to this.)

So that's the position I'm in. I'm worried about my economic future, my safety (more police at border equals less police dealing with the rise in knife crime) and also worried about losing the community that has helped me weather this storm.

I'm just getting so overwhelmed - every time I try to ignore any of this, I just feel the urge to do 'one quick Google search' to see the latest news, but end up sinking hours into analysing the outcome and trying to wonder how I'll cope in the coming months.

Thanks,
Glyn

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Dear Glyn,

I'm glad the operation went well, and I hope it has helped with your hearing!

Okay, Brexit. Oy vay, right? I'm in agreement with you that the UK exit from the EU is a moronic decision that was inspired mostly by people (mostly older, conservative people like your parents and grandmother) who are afraid of change, immigrants, and international cooperation. It's totally idiotic and, yes, many people like you believe you're going to be hit hard economically. I'm sorry for you.

My understanding of the GDPR is that it is mostly about websites complying with privacy regulations set up by the EU, especially regarding personal data collection. Any website that interacts with citizens in the EU has a laundry list of policies to conform to, including providing opt-out options, adding SSL if not currently doing so, having written cookie and privacy policies, making sure that any third-party gateways (such as for shopping carts) are compliant if you use them, informing users in your policies that you use Google Analytics (if you do), and so on. Actually, all of the above are good ideas that websites and phone apps should do anyway.

If a website is not compliant, I believe that, yes, it could be blocked by the EU countries, but you won't be in an EU country anymore, so, if it applies to your online experience at all, it would only apply to content coming out of the EU, which it would do right now anyway. I could be wrong, but I don't think Brexit and the GDPR are going to affect your online and phone browsing access, including to furry sites.

As for the future of the British economy and issues such as police protection, well, I don't think anyone really knows how that is all going to shake out after Brexit. The government is just fighting with itself, and it is an awful mess. The world is going through a lot right now. I mean, the United States is having serious problems, and there is a rise in dictatorships and dictator-like governments all over the place, especially in South and Central America, Southeast Asia, and former Soviet Bloc countries. The reasons behind this are too complex to get into for this column. England, though, is one of those countries, and it is happening in large part because of the fear of immigration and a fear of loss of cultural identity.

With such challenging times ahead, family, friends, and community will be more important than ever. I think from the furry end, at least, you can rest assured that we will stick around for you and give you moral support and encouragement.

No one can say for sure what the future will bring, but I hope my words provide at least some comfort to you.

Hugs,
Papabear

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Dealing with Anxiety before a Furcon

1/15/2019

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hello Papabear, I need some advice. I'll be flying to Further Confusion in a few days and that presents a problem. I get so wound up and anxious before going to a convention that I can't get any sleep the night before. Can you offer any tips on how I can relax and get the sleep i need for the day ahead? Thanks!

Baar Orso

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Hi, Baar,

It depends on what you mean and what is causing this feeling. Are you worried about your flight and the trip itself? Or are you just overly excited about all the fun you're going to have? Or are you worried that the con won't live up to your expectations?

There are a number of things you can do. If you are nervous about flying, you can: 1) try to keep your mind off it by reading, watching movies, playing games on a hand-held device, or listening to music; 2) avoid caffeinated beverages that can make you more nervous; 3) try calming breathing exercises; 4) or, if all else fails, talk to your doctor about possible medication to calm down.

If you are overly excited about the upcoming convention, some techniques above will help, such as avoiding caffeine and distracting yourself with activities. You can also exercise, do yoga or Tai chi (or Qigong), try meditation, or just fill your time by talking to family and friends and keep yourself busy until the time comes to leave.

It is important to try to eat healthily and get sleep. You don't want to arrive tired, do you? When you go to bed, make sure the room is dark, cool, and quiet. Do progressive muscle relaxations once you get in bed. You do this by starting with the toes. Become conscious of your toes and relax them. Let them go. You might be surprised you are tightening muscles and not realizing it. Work your way up your body: feet, calves, thighs, pelvic region, lower back, abdomen, upper back, shoulders, arms, hands, neck, jaw, until all your muscles are released. Once you unclench all your muscles, you will be surprised how easy it is to sleep. During the day, eat light meals with non-beef meats, fresh veggies.... you probably know the drill. Lots of water.

If you are worried about the con itself, well, not much I can do to guarantee a fun time, but you may do that more successfully if you aren't stressed about it and don't go in with any unrealistic expectations. Hey, you're a bear, right? So, you gotta approach it as a bear. Be relaxed, cool, laid back, taking things in stride. Bare necessities, bear!

See you soon!

Papabear Grubbs

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