|
Dear Papabear,
I bought an Adoption of a fursona (my current now) and spent a lot of money on it just to realize that it was copied from an existing suit and resold. Is my fursona worth anything anymore if it's a copy of an existing one? Even if I put so much soul in it (artworks, lore, merch...)? I feel cheated, especially after I liked my fursona so much. I don't know if it's going to be the same if I make a new fursona... I really love the fandom, but I don't feel like I'm really happy in it. It's why I became an artist! Do I continue with something I love even if it hurts my mental health after all that it caused? Anonymous (age 18) * * * Dear Furiend, I'm guessing that perhaps you didn't really understand what an adoptable is. To clarify, adoptables are when artists create a kind of template--line art, usually--that a customer can then customize with choices of colors and textures. This is a quick way for an artist to create commissions for multiple customers. They only have to draw one character and then simply colorize it according to what a customer wants. The advantage for the artists is speed; the advantage for customers is that adoptables are usually much cheaper than a completely unique piece of art. So, when you say you "spent a lot of money on it," I find that a little surprising because, again, usually adoptables are fairly inexpensive (usually around $10 US; if you paid much more than that, then yes, you got cheated). I'm sorry you didn't understand what an adoptable is, but the artist wasn't ripping you off. They told you it was an adoptable and assumed you knew what that meant. I'm not sure what you mean by "is my fursona worth anything?" If you mean money-wise; no, adoptables aren't worth much. If you mean to you personally, well, you said you loved it, yes? If you love it, what does it matter that it is an adoptable? Here's what I recommend: Take the idea of your fursona and make unique art for it. You say you are an artist. If so, why don't you draw your fursona yourself? That's kind of the part I don't get. If I could draw worth a damn, I would draw my own fursonas using my style and, in that way, make it totally unique to me. So, if the adoptable you paid for upsets you, toss it in the bin. You lost some money on it, sure, but consider it a lesson learned and move on. The author didn't cheat you, so please don't think that, unless they charged you more than $20. There's no reason this should hurt your mental health. You just made a mistake based on a lack of understanding of that particular area of furry commissions. I would encourage you to pursue your own art or, if you like to explore furry arts, find some artists whose styles you like and commission an OC--original character. Don't let this cause you any grief or upset. It's not worth it. Now that you know, you can continue to explore the furry art scene more knowledgeably. Hope that helps! Bear Hugs, Papabear
0 Comments
Dear Papabear,
Hi there! This is my first time using this platform. Anyhow, I was wondering should I be a furry? My parents think I’m trying to get closer to these possive therians at school, but this is how I express myself. I’m not sure if I want a fursona head but my parents say it’s OK. What do you think I should do? Chip da Cat (age 10) * * * Hi, Chip, Thank you for your letter. Please read the following and have your parents read it, too, for their information. To answer you, it all depends on what you mean by being a furry. If for you it simply means enjoying furry cartoons, movies, TV shows, etc., and maybe getting a fursuit head, there is certainly nothing wrong with that. And if you have some friends in school who are furries or therians and you enjoy hanging out with them, that is also okay. Another option is to invite furry friends to your home, where you can play games or watch TV shows, which is a safe and fun activity. Now, I'm not sure what a "possive" therian is, but you should know that therians aren't really the same as furries. Indeed, the people who call themselves "therians" these days use a different definition than we did back before you were born. Often, it means simply wearing ears and a tail and running around doing quadrobics (running on all fours). This is usually harmless, although as you know human beings were not meant to run on all fours, so this activity can potentially cause injury to your back, hands, and joints. Here is some helpful information on that which you should read, please: Quadrobics: Ultimate Guide to All-Fours Fitness [2025]. If you want to get active in the fandom and do something like go to a furry convention (furcon), then you will of course need your parents to accompany you since you are 10 years old. Many cons allow minors such as yourself to attend as long as a parent or guardian accompanies them, but some do not. I don't know where Broadmoor Rd is, since you do not provide a city or state, but you can look up conventions using this handy resource: Future Furry Convention Calendar | FurryCons.com. If there is a convention near you, check out their website to see what guidelines they have concerning attendees under the age of 18. When it comes to the furry online community, this is a trickier thing. You need to be aware--if you are not already--that there is a lot of "adult" material online. This is true of furry and non-furry stuff alike when it comes to the internet, and even if you are not doing furry stuff on your computer or phone (if you have a phone), you should always have a parent supervise what you are doing. It sounds like your parents are pretty cool, so this should be something you talk to them about. There are a lot of nice people online, but sometimes there are bad people such as bullies and trolls, and you really have to be careful about that, Chip, sorry to say. When done correctly, the furry community can be a great way to have fun and make new friends as well as express yourself creatively. At your young age, though, you should do it with parental supervision at all times. When parents and kids team up to have fun, it can be a wonderful thing, and I feel pretty confident in saying that your parents are open to that, so that is great! If you or your parents have further questions, please feel free to write me directly at this email address. Welcome to the Fandom :3 Bear Hugs, Papabear Hey Papa Bear,
Here in Ho Chi Minh City, everyone is poor lol, but I recently noticed that all the furries I see tend to be really rich. Like, they are buying everything they see in the mall, at street stands, at the Ben Thanh market, everywhere! I guess I was just wondering.... How do you furries make all these damn dong (Vietnamese dollars for y'all Yankees)?! Like, are y'all computer programmers? NASA engineers? Facebook marketers? I don't understand. In my small village (Da Nang), everybody farms papaya or banana or another tropical fruit, and we don't make shit for cash, bruh. HELP ME. WHERE DOES THE MONEY COME FROM???? I want one of those fancy fursuits with the fans and the scent emiters and the sexy butt plugs that are also tails.... Anyway, thanks, Papabear, I love you and I want to get CRACKED by a BIG BEAR ASAP XD (you know what I'm saying....) Love you, big guy. Sincerely, VietTiger (age 22) * * * Hi, VietTiger, Are these furries tourists or are they Vietnamese furries? I'm not too clear on that point. If they are tourists from the USA, Canada, and Europe, then they probably have more cash on hand than your average Vietnamese person. Also, if they are tourists, right away it means they have the cash available to travel across the globe, which means they have money to buy stuff for fun. If you mean that you are watching furries from other countries online, then these are also likely to be people from the U.S. and Europe/U.K. because that is where the majority of furries live. Again, they will tend to have more cash than a Vietnamese citizen. The average Vietnamese makes about $US 320 per month; the average American makes about $US 5,000 monthly. When it comes to American citizens (let's stick with those for now, since it is the population with which I am most familiar), you will find income levels ranging from quite poor to very well-to-do people. Furries work all kinds of jobs from minimum-wage service jobs to high-tech jobs, academic positions, and people in the sciences. Yes, many furries work in IT fields, and, indeed, the running joke is that "Furries run the Internet." Many furries are very much into high tech work, while others are very artsy, and still others are both techy AND artsy. For some information on furry incomes, check out this link: 1.5 Income - Furscience. And here is some data on furry employment: 1.6 Employment - Furscience Meanwhile, back in Vietnam, yes, many people work in agriculture. While you earn less, you also don't have to spend as much to get by. If a person makes about $1,200 a month in Vietnam, they can live very comfortably; in the USA, you need about five times that to be comfortable. So, let's get to the core of what you're really asking, which, I believe, is something like, "How can I buy a fursuit (and other furry stuff) when I live in Vietnam and don't make a lot of money?" I have a couple of ideas that might lower costs for you:
Don't be too envious of Americans, by the way. We are on the precipice of a hard economic downturn that will plunge us into a recession or depression soon. The U.S. economy is dying, thanks to the Orange Turd and his followers, and as the country falls apart, you won't be seeing many furries spending lots of money anymore. Those days may very well be gone soon. If you have a good internet connection in Da Nang, you might consider exploring the virtual reality world of VRchat and SecondLife. While fursuits will likely be popular for a long time, the solution for many furries who can't afford furcons or getting suits made is to create an avatar for the online world. While furries are still to be found in SecondLife, increasingly, it is VRchat that is becoming the preferred place to be a virtual furry. The big difference between SecondLife and VRchat is that VRchat offers a 3D experience, but you can only do that if you have VR goggles (about $300 and up). Now, you don't HAVE to have the goggles to be in VRchat, but most people do.
I hope this helps you, at least a little. Remember, you can be a furry and not own a fursuit. The majority of furries are without fursuit. You can explore drawing, gaming, writing, or simply social networking and text RPGs. There are a lot of options to have fun in the furry fandom. Good Luck! Bear Hugs! Papabear P.S. *I blush at your compliment* Hello, Papabear,
I'm a polytherian and otherkin. How do you deal with species dysphoria? I always feel like my skin is too tight or that I'm supposed to not have legs but a seal tail. I'm really struggling with this. Sharkie (age 11) * * * Dear Sharkie, Because you wrote to me via a school server in Australia, I can't reply directly to you (school servers block unknown IP addresses), so I will post this on my website and hope you see it there. While psychologists would call this "species dysphoria" and say that it is a psychological disorder needing treatment, therians and otherkin would say it's just another day at the office. Also, there are some furries who are not therians or otherkin who have experienced the same thing. Anyway, based on your letter, you sound like a selkie, which is a being who can be in either seal or human form. If you're polytherian, then I guess you must have other forms as well? Including a shark, I gather.... There are several kinds of dysphoria, as you probably know. Along with species dysphoria, there is the familiar gender dysphoria that has been in the news a lot of late. But there is also social dysphoria (the feeling you don't belong in various social situations because you feel your identity as a person doesn't match what it should be) and body dysphoria (the dissatisfaction with what your body looks like). My belief--though I don't really see this mentioned in psych papers--is that species and body dysphoria are closely linked. Again speaking from a psychological point of view, dysphoria in its various forms may be caused by anxiety, depression, personal trauma, or other negative experiences that make you feel detached in some way from your body and personality. Dissociation is a type of coping mechanism. For example, the feeling that "If I am not actually that human girl who is suffering so much, then I am not truly the person being harmed, which means I can cope with it sort of like watching a TV show in which a character is experiencing a bad situation and I'm just a member of the audience." The "treatment," following this logic, is to find some professional assistance to help you manage and cope with the trauma you are experiencing. Once that feeling of distress and anxiety is eased because the cause is addressed, then it makes sense that the dysphoria should also ease if not vanish altogether. Okay, so there's the psychology. Now let's talk some spirituality. I don't know how much you read my column, but I have expressed before my belief that we in this life are living in a shell that is not actually us but merely a kind of fleshy garment we wear in order to better navigate this reality. What we truly are is not an individual of the Homo sapiens species. That's just for now. I also think that when we "die," it is just the shell that perishes. The being we truly are continues. There is no real death. And it is very possible we have lived other lives and will live other lives in the "future" (if there is such a thing as "time," which is another item open for debate). So, it might be, Sharkie, that you once were a seal or sea lion (and you have some dim memory of that life) or, perhaps, you desire to be one in the next life. So, why are you not one now? Some people believe that before we are born on this planet we, for some reason we don't recall, chose to be this particular individual in this particular form. We felt we had something to learn by doing so, or perhaps something to give, something to do, that was best done as a human being rather than as some kind of pinniped or fish. Therefore, Sharkie, you need to live out this life to do what needs to be done in the here and now. (Unless you really are a selkie, in which case you should see if you can locate some selkie and related otherkin online and hang out with them some for a bit of comfort and camaraderie.) As someone who is just 11 years old, you have much growing and self-exploration to do yet. Don't panic that you are having a bit of a topsy-turvy time of it right now. That's normal as you transition from childhood to adulthood (and beyond). You're okay. Just try to be yourself and remember that you are more than just your body. You are spirit. You are mind. You are a sentient being exploring the universe. All will be well. Bear Hugs, Papabear Hello, Papabear,
I am a furry from Kuwait. So basically, I am an Arab furry. My issue is that in Kuwait (Or any other Arab country in particular) really HATES furries. I wish I was joking. I once ended a friendship in school because when my friend founded out I was a furry, he completely called me stuff like "doggy" and kept mocking me as an animal. Someone in 6th grade once tried to choke hold me because I was a furry, but I luckily managed to break his grip and ran away. I hid and saw him carrying a shoe trying to find and hit me. Luckily, he didn’t remember who I was, and now I’m in 7th grade. My brother was a furry hater and really would bash me for my opinions, but luckily now he respects me and doesn't care if I'm a furry. But he brought me to the discussion; my mom completely hated me being a furry, saying it was stupid stuff that brainwashed me online. But luckily my father came and discussed it happily. My father advised me not to be an anti-furry but not a furry either. Now I'm a furry after one year, and they don’t really care. But I want to address the main issue. It’s hard to be a furry while living in an Arab country; they treat you more harshly than other stereotypes! They use the Holy Quran as a way to try and silence me. The verse was talking about how you shouldn’t imitate an animal, although furries DON'T imitate animals! It’s been a really hard time for me trying to cope with the environment. I always have to hide the fact I am a furry every time I’m near people. What advice could you please tell me to try and be more comfortable around them? From, Cherry (age 12, Kuwait) * * * Dear Cherry, Many apologies for the late reply. Apparently, there was a server problem, and I didn't see your email. Okay, yes, to be a furry in a religious Arabic country is complicated--or in any conservative society, for that matter. And, yes, I am very aware of how the Quran says people should not imitate animals nor even put them in art (people shouldn't be portrayed in art, either, especially not the Prophet). Even though the Bible does not prohibit such things, hatred of furries is also expressed in conservative Christian households, so it's not just about being Muslim; it's about being conservative, inflexible, and hateful about people who are different and don't follow one's religion to the letter. As long as you live where you do, this will be a problem. It's great, though, that your father understands that your interest in furries is not necessarily sinful or bad in any way, and he seems to have influenced the rest of your family, too, not to bother you about it. I would suggest that you follow your father's advice and not do anything furry in public. The best thing for you to do is explore the virtual furry community. Now, you seem to have access to a computer (since your email indicates you are not using a school or library server), which means you can access various furry worlds. The most fun for you would be to do so in places where you can have a furry avatar such as SecondLife or VRchat. Are you familiar with these? They offer virtual worlds to explore, many of which specialize in furry communities. You can purchase avatars to "wear" in both of these games, or, once you get more adept at using them, design your own unique furry avatars. VRchat has surpassed the older SecondLife for popularity, probably because you can experience it in 3D if you have VR goggles. You can also do a lot of furry stuff in online games such as World of Warcraft. Since you are only 12 years old, even if you were in the USA, which has the largest furry community and a vast array of furcons and furmeets to attend, you wouldn't be able to do much in the real world because things like transportation and hotel fees would be an issue (unless your dad went with you). Of course, even adult American furries do more furry stuff online than in the real world, so this is not too much of an issue. As long as your parents are okay with your being a furry online (and do agree to let them supervise you; it's for your own good because you can sometimes run into trolls and bullies even in the furry world), then that is the best option for you. Write again if you have questions, and I promise a quicker reply!!! Bear Hugs, Papabear [Papabear note: Over the course of the last week, I have received mail protesting a nominee for the Good Furry Awards. Below is my response.]
[From a person who describes themself as a "greymuzzle investigator"]: I would like to speak as a person who has observed the behavior of Sotalo. With evidence from Dogpatch Press (Screenshots of Sotalo's penchant for drama), I've also personally experienced him. He's a hostile person who tries to destabilize anyone who disagrees with him or exposes his behaviors. He's childish and attacks people quickly. I discovered him through my own connections, a furry I've been tracking for years who is a well-known pedophile. By proxy, said furry (Tuskyn) had come in contact with people that Sotalo has been in contact with, and features in his museum if I recall (I have not personally visited it). Sotalo has gone on record multiple times saying he wishes the age of consent was lower than 18. Furthermore, I have to ask... Why do you allow people to nominate themselves in such a way for such rewards? This just reeks of self ego inflating. That should disqualify, these awards should be nominations by their communities, by those they've touched, not themselves. I saw where his draft of his self nomination was. His museum is not unique. It also does not cover 'the fandom', but people -he- personally finds interesting or 'worthy of being historical'. This includes many people who have a foot fetish who perk his interest, as well as those who are associated with the Furry Raiders or other pedophile furries. In recent drama, Sotalo was part of a PR representation of a convention that wasn't even in his own state, and he frequently got verbally violent with anyone who questioned him. The PR was brought because the convention welcomed the Furry Raiders, well known Nazi furs (complete with red armbands) who allow pedophiles into their groups (This is part of ANOTHER Tuskyn connection, since he is part of the raiders now as well.) He claimed Dogpatch Press was spreading misinformation by linking literal screenshots of Sotalo's own messages in an open group. He claimed that the convention failed because of him, and not the fact that they welcomed the Furry Raiders, a group that the fandom has long sense rejected for their hate, as well as one of them that brought Fox News into the convention the year prior against con-goers' consent being welcomed back. He was forced to defend the convention's image, and defend literal nazis by doing so. I do not use the term 'nazi' as an insult or lightly. This man still attacks dogpatch, as well as anyone who dares speak up against him or offer a means of him to act more mature. He also attacks anyone who questions his comments on wanting to marry/have sex with teenagers under 18. You will have a lot of people losing faith in your awards you select this man. And I will say once more... Why do you allow people to nominate themselves? It feels like it is done in bad faith. * * * Dear X: First of all, Sotalo did not nominate himself. I personally know the furry who nominated them. Sotalo did not know he was nominated until I told him. (Also, I never "allow" people to nominate themselves; it specifically says in the rules you cannot do that.) Another accusation I got from someone else was that the nomination was written by AI. It was not. If the grammar looks too good, it is because I clean up the text. I'm a professional editor. Thirdly, I have investigated the claims I have heard. I have also spoken with people I respect (including Rod O'Riley) who have defended Sotalo. I also know that the late great Mark Merlino believed that the museum was well done and just needed some additions. I have also spoken with Sotalo at length. I am satisfied by our long discussions that he in no way supports the FR or Nazis. How do I know? Because if you support the FR, you don't say, "Why would anyone support Nazis?" By the way, it is highly interesting to me that you yourself say you have not visited the VR Furry Museum, yet you are disparaging the contents of a museum you haven't even seen. Also, you assign guilt to Sotalo for apparently coming into contact with people who have come into contact with Tuskyn. By such logic, I'm guilty too, because I probably know someone in the fandom who knows someone who knows someone who knows Tuskyn. Also, you might not be aware, but the age of consent in 15 states in the USA is under 18. Many people feel it should be 16. So, if it is indeed Sotalo's position that the age of consent should be, say, 16, he is not alone and that doesn't make him a pedophile. What we have here in Sotalo is someone who is not adept at social situations. As Rod explained to me, Sotalo can has been known to behave in inappropriate and even aggressive ways that turn people off. But he is not a Nazi lover. I believe he is on the spectrum. People on the spectrum can have outbursts and be difficult to deal with (I have a grandson who is, so I know from personal experience.) People on the spectrum can also react frightfully bad to OTHER people on the spectrum for perceived bad behavior. For the last several years, I have also observed furries having knee-jerk reactions to what they believe to be a person associating with bad actors (either fascist or communist) and then proceeding to try and trash their reputations out of some ill-conceived, egotistical belief that it is their job to gatekeep the fandom. It is not. This is the same attitude that has made our society malignant with the likes of the Tea Baggers, MAGAts, and TERFs. You and others who have threatened to trash the reputation of the Good Furry Awards are behaving like gatekeepers. (Yes, you did. It was an implied threat.) The nominees are chosen by people in the fandom, not me. If you don't like the museum or have a personal beef with Sotalo, then don't vote for him. If nobody but one or two furries likes Sotalo, then that certainly means he will not win an award. I sincerely doubt you actually care about the reputation of the GFAs (or the fandom in general). I believe you and others are trying to weaponise the awards to alienate and disenfranchise people you personally do not like. I fully suspect that leaving Sotalo's nomination up will result in his haters launching a campaign against the GFAs. That's okay. I've dealt with behavior like this before in the fandom, and I am sure I will again. I've seen other people who are my friends get trashed too. Oh, and someone threatened to dox me once! LOL that is not a threat. Literally everyone knows I am a sexually open gay furry bear. They know my address, phone number, email etc. etc., too. It might profit you to spend a little less time hating others and a little more time trying to find the good in your fellow furries. Blessed Be, Grubbs Grizzly, Admin, the GFAs P.S. Just for the record: Of course, if someone has a criminal record or other documented illegal activity, they will not be given a space in these awards. Hey, Papabear,
I just rediscovered your website when I did a Google search for "furry therapists" (with most results just being for service dogs, go figure) and someone mentioned you in a Reddit post as an alternative. The few actual therapists in the fandom are only in other states and can't take out-of-state patients, so after reading through a few pages of letters you replied to, I figured I'd reach out. While I do have a regular therapist, and she knows I'm a furry, I haven't gotten around to discussing my issues in the fandom with her, and her knowledge is very limited on furry stuff so I don't think she'd really get it. I just discuss my other life issues with her. Anyway, my issue is: the entire fandom hates me, and it's destroying my life, my mental well-being, my physical well-being, and I truly wish I never existed because it seems nothing good has come from my existence and nobody wants anything to do with me. Well, maybe that's an exaggeration, but it sure feels true. My history in the fandom is a long one, with a few happy moments, but ultimately, now it has ended and has left a huge hole in my heart that cannot be repaired or mended. I'll start by saying, other furries were always very wary of me. They always hated me, avoided me, etc. I knew I was a fur for like 5 years before I finally reached out and began socializing with furs in 2010, at age 18. I got the rudest welcome and almost kicked out right then and there because I've always been different from stereotypical furs. I don't have casual sex (or any at all), I don't do substance use (no drinking, weed, drugs, etc.) or hard partying. I'm not a smart techie bro who works I.T.- I'm awful with computers. The list goes on but I just felt like I wasn't what the fandom wanted, and even though it's more accepting nowadays, it still has a long way to go and I'm not part of that, apparently. Anyway, my initial stint in the fandom lasted 2010-2014 roughly, with like a 18-month gap in there even because of arguments with local and online furs. Despite being only 18, they all got mad that I wasn't the alcohol-loving hard-partying Chad they wished I was. And awareness for neurodivergence wasn't so much a thing at the time (I was undiagnosed back then). I had heard the fandom was accepting; instead, they treated me like an unwanted loser until they finally kicked me out of the local group, because I made an angry reply to being bullied. Fast forward years later, I had moved nearly 1,000 miles away (I'm not originally from SC), struggled for like 8 years to find furs. Then I thought I found my diamonds in the rough when in 2022 I finally had a local furry group to hang out with, and they seemed to like me and were really cool with how I was. In late 2023 I attended my first fur con and loved it so much, I attended a bunch more after if I could. Sadly, I'm writing you because this didn't last too long. I still had a lot of issues with many furs hating me, ignoring me, trying to shove me away, and it pisses me off how unfriendly this fandom is as a whole when I was trying to socialize. In 2024 I got into an argument with someone on Telegram, and I called him a slur and said I wished he died (I have bad anger issues). Well people keep spreading this screenshot around in furry groups around the southeast U.S. and other stuff about me. They keep acting like I'm a violent monster of some sort. I'm not banned from any cons, but am banned from the dance competition events at cons I used to try and compete in. I enjoyed these so much and it leaves me so heartbroken I can't explain. Moreover, I noticed the past 2 cons I went to, many furs I used to be cool with are now ignoring me and refusing to talk to me. I also got banned from my local fur groups because NCAS made my local friends ban me. Now, the nearest fur willing to talk to me lives hours away, and I can maybe seem him a few times a year if that. I have no non-fur friends sadly; tried making them for years, there are none where I live (retirement area mostly full of conservative boomers). Ever since I discovered this fandom, all I wanted was to fit in; to feel like I belonged. And the brief time I did, it felt great and were some of the best moments of my life. But having it all so harshly taken away has left me in a state of wreck I can only begin to describe. I keep getting really bad/violent thoughts randomly. Horrible mood swings. I can't work much at all so I'll have to leave my job before I'm a danger to myself or anyone else. I keep thinking I'll need to "un-alive" myself. All I wanna do is lay in bed and stare at the ceiling and sleep way too much. I keep binge-eating to the point of gaining weight. I no longer have things I enjoy. I feel unable to enjoy video games, music, creative endeavors, etc. The fandom was so important to my life and it feels like the worst heartbreak ever. And I'm sick of being forced into a world that doesn't fucking want me. I tried apologizing to many people multiple times, but nobody nowadays accepts apologies. They all want nothing to do with me. They want me gone. I'm a pathetic loser and always was, according to them. Now this is the second time I got disowned by the fandom, but it's so much more painful this time around. I don't have the energy or resources to move far away, make a new fursona and re-emerge. I think my life is just over at this point. I've been on psychiactric medications in the past, but I don't believe in them anymore because they never did anything for me, and only gave me bad side effects. Plus I have too many money issues to be able to afford them. My current therapist is the only one I can get; she's nice but not the most helpful with certain things. And I'm afraid to call the Suicide Hotline because they'll involuntarily commit me and send me a huge bill I can't afford. It feels like there's no solution to this problem. I can't force the fandom to like or accept me, and it's on my mind 24/7 and it's making me go crazy. Idk what I'm even asking at this point. I've only just touched the surface of my issue and I already wrote so much. I guess my question is: what can I do about this? It's ruining my life. I want to be in this fandom and be liked and have friends more than anything else in the entire world, and not being able to is making me wanna kill myself or even worse. Gunther Spierman (age 32) * * * Dear Gunther, Thank you for your letter. I'm proud of you for reaching out. I bet that wasn't easy. As you know, I am not a professional therapist, so please keep that in mind as I write the following to you.... Important stuff first. The Suicide Hotline at 988 is a FREE service. You do not have to pay for it. It is staffed by a mix of professional therapists and some volunteers who are not pros but who have been trained to talk to people in crisis. So, if you get to a serious point where you really feel at risk of self-harm, please dial the hotline. And I will tell you a little thing about myself on this topic. I wish 988 had been there when I was 18, which is the year I almost died through a suicide attempt. Thankfully, I was not successful. But my attempt hurt many of my loved ones, especially my mother, and I regret that very much. Think about your loved ones and how your actions affect them. Also, know that when you are in the mindset of contemplating suicide, you are not really in your right state of mind. You are not thinking clearly. That's why you need someone like the good people on the hotline to snap you out of it and bring your perspective back to where it should be. An example of perspective? You said it yourself: Not everyone in the fandom hates you. Most furries don't even know you (wink wink). I don't hate you. So, bear that in mind. Good news that you have a therapist. Kudos. And you really should open up to her about your furry issues. She might not know about the fandom in particular, but she does understand group dynamics and can likely offer you insights. Many furries experience what you have experienced, which is that they are told what I call "The Furry Fandom Fairy Tale" that we are all warm, loving, accepting people. Nonsense. There is no such thing as any huge group of people who are all accepting and loving. It's kind of like what Nick Wilde told Judy Hopps in Zootopia about how hayseed animals from the Sticks come to the city thinking the animals all get along and sing Kumbaya around campfires. Bullshit. THAT said, there is some truth about the fandom being accepting in that anyone can be a furry. Also, since the demographics tend to have a lot of people from segments of the population that are often alienated by the mainstream (i.e., e.g., LGBTQIA people, people on the autism spectrum, nerdy and shy people, geeky techy folk, and so on), then it is much more likely you will find people like that when you start getting active in the fandom and they will be cool with you because, hey, they are like you in a lot of ways. It is also true, demographically speaking, that many furries skew to the younger age groups (teens and twenties). At that time in people's lives, hormones are raging and sex is on the brain. I confess as a younger furry I did quite a bit of adult RP stuff online. The joke used to be "If you see a drawing of an anthro and you get aroused, you're likely a furry." The good part about this is that the fandom provides an environment unhindered by sexual conventions, so it allows people to experiment and get in touch with their true sexuality without being constrained by, say, their parents' religious beliefs or peer group pressures. The bad news is that this can also lead to some unwanted sexual advances, and many young furs think they can get away with anything. A story I like to tell involves my days back in Michigan when I was with Jim (who sadly passed 10 years ago). Anyway, I convinced Jim (who wasn't a furry but was fur friendly) to come with me with some other furs to see Where the Wild Things Are. Before the movie, we all went to a diner for lunch. Jim and I sat with a table of four other furries. One was a chubby young woman who sat next to Jim (Jim was a big ol' handsome bear). So, anyway, even though it was pretty obvious that Jim and I were a couple, she nudges up to him and whispers, "You know, the cool thing about the fandom is you can sleep with anyone." Jim looked at her and was like, "Um, you know my boyfriend is sitting right here and no, no you can't." After that, she stayed away from us. I'm sure she trashed us to the others in her group because I didn't hear from them again after that. So, yeah, that kind of crap happens, but not all furries are like that--not by any stretch of the imagination. It is a diverse group of people. When it comes to sex, you have everything from total furverts to 100% asexuals and everything in between--everything imaginable, really. The lesson here is that you really need to get to know people before making friends. A good way to do that is online in special interest groups (SIGs), where you can hopefully meet furries who share your interests, make friends with them, and then meet them in person. Many people do what you do in going to local meets where they don't know anyone and then they can have some awkward encounters. That's why I don't go to furmeets (e.g. the Prancing Skiltaire) unless I know someone there beforehand. Going in blind and hoping you'll have a great time merely because the people there are also furries increases the likelihood of a bad day. A suggestion for you: Now that you are 32 years old, you are eligible to join my Greymuzzle Facebook group ((12) Greymuzzles (30 and older furs only) | Facebook), which is full of good furries. How do I know? I and other carefully selected admins screen the 5,000+ members very carefully. Only 1 in 6 applicants gets in. And we constantly stay on the lookout for naughty furries. So, I invite you to join us there. If you're not on Facebook, there are other greymuzzle groups on platforms like Telegram and Bluesky you can check into. They are not run by me, but they should have more mature members there, and they tend to be more chill than your typical furry groups. (After I wrote this paragraph, I saw you applied! Welcome to the group!) Next, let's address your reputation issues. It's hard for me to gauge this for you exactly, not knowing the circumstances and only knowing that you got angry and yelled about something, which doesn't seem like much or a reason to be banned from a group. Also, NCAS (that's the North Carolina Anthro Society, right?) telling your local meet to ban you is pretty shitty. But if you have "anger issues" that medications don't ease, that might be exacerbating the problem. That brings me to how to deal with anger problems. Hey! Another thing I personally know about! I too have experienced anger issues. What are anger issues? Well, this is the inability to control upwellings of strong negative emotions that can cause you to lash out verbally or even physically at others. I think we can all agree that this is a big turnoff for many people, and they tend to not want to deal with people who have anger issues. There are some ways to manage them, though, even without drugs (a solution people too often turn to, but that is not to say there are cases when medicine can help, especially when your issues ). Some things you can do:
What you're suffering from here is very commonplace these days: the idea that you need to be noticed and validated in order to be a worthwhile person. When you claim nothing good has come from your existence, that's your depression talking. I'm sure that in your life something good has resulted from you being in this world, even a little thing. And how should we define "good" anyway? To me, having a good effect on this world would be doing anything--even a tiny thing--that has helped other people, animals, or the world in general. You don't have to invent a cure for cancer or end world hunger to be a worthwhile person. Indeed, if you want to know what your purpose in life is, ask me sometime because that's a whole nuther column. I'll tell you one thing, the purpose of your life has nothing to do with being liked by other people or being a part of this fandom. Indeed, if you find that you don't fit into this fandom, you haven't looked hard enough. Like I said, we're diverse. You can find young and old, rich and poor, smart and not so smart, white and black, gay and straight and trans, religious and spiritual and completely materialistic, sex maniacs and virgins, sci-fi fanatics and readers of classic literature, train and car aficionados and people who cross stitch and knitting, athletes and chubbies, and on and on. We are not all alike, so it is highly doubtful that we would all feel the same way about you. And even if not a single furry accepted you, that's not important. You need to accept yourself. Indeed, accepting yourself and being comfortable in your own skin is a highly attractive trait. You will find that 9 out of 10 people in this life prefer making friends with people who like themselves than people who don't like themselves. So, Gunther. Why don't you like yourself? And what things about yourself do you like? These are the things you need to explore, and once you figure it out, you'll have made a huge leap toward eliminating your fears and anxieties that are holding you back. What do you think? Write again and let me know. In the meantime, welcome to my Greymuzzle group :) Bear Hugs, Papabear Hello, PapaBear!
I hope this question isn't too out there, but I wanted to come by and ask a question about the fandom that has been in my mind for a while.... How would you expand, or well ... introduce the concept of anthropomorphism, and the general Furry Fandom to an entirely different place that isn't as common with those themes? Well, let's be a bit more specific.... I come from a Pakistani family (my dad's side specifically, Mom's side is Latino), and I was always curious in the future where if I go to Pakistan, or somewhere in the general South Asian region (whether it'd be Bangladesh, Nepal, Sri Lanka, or India), would it be a good idea to introduce the concepts I mentioned above? If there is a slight chance of maybe, how would I introduce it? There is a chance that there are Indian Furries, or Furries from the general subcontinent, but I doubt they're that vocal about it for reasons.... And that does make me wonder, with how different the beliefs of South Asia are, Whether it'd be the British Partition, the Religious influences, or the Minefield that is Kashmir, it might not be as good as an idea... But it still remains as an idea I want to pursue. Regardless of my ramblings, what do you think of this idea(s) I'm thinking about? I apologize in advance if this is overwhelming! I am kind of passionate about my heritage's cultures, so please excuse my ramblings! With regards, Riley. * * * Hi, Riley, At first, I thought you wanted to sway your parents toward thinking about furries and accepting you as a furry, but it sounds more like your question is how to expand the fandom into Asia. I guess you are not aware that there are several conventions in the East, including two in China, three in Taiwan, one in Singapore, one in Malaysia, two in Vietnam, and one in the Philippines. On that side of the world, there are also three Australian furcons. Check this out for recent cons: 2024 Asian Furry Convention Calendar | FurryCons.com. Now, it sounds like you believe that the West can foster the growth of the furry fandom in the East. I believe that is a misguided idea. While it is true that the modern fandom began in California, spread through the United States and into England, Germany, and the rest of Europe and even into Central and South America, two factors conspire against American influence in the Eastern fandom: 1) Cultural differences, and 2) growing anti-American sentiment in the world, a fire flamed by Trumpism. For these reasons, the spread of the fandom into Asia will come not from America but largely from Japan. Actually, when you think about it, the fandom in California did not arise spontaneously. It actually was powerfully influenced by Japan. You see, back in 1977, a couple of Founding Furs--Fred Patten and Mark Merlino--started what was called the Cartoon/Fantasy Organization. This small group of early aficionados would get together and watch anime cartoons from Japan like Kimba the White Lion and The Amazing 3. The Los Angeles branch birthed a New York City chapter, and from there it spread, starting the first APA periodicals, furry art, stories, and so on. The spread of the fandom into Southeast Asian countries comes not from America but from Japan because, I surmise, the people in areas such as Singapore and Taiwan can relate more closely to Japanese culture than Western culture (although the West certainly has an influence through the popularity of such things as Disney and Pixar animated films). Cultures in the West and Southeast Asia are more pliable to the concept of the anthropomorphic arts than Arabic and African countries. The more religiously and culturally conservative a country, the less likely it will be receptive to a wild idea such as people dressing up as talking animals. It may happen, eventually, but in drips and drabs. I have met some furries online in places like Nigeria and Lebanon, but they are deep in hiding, telling no one of their love for the anthro arts. You can understand this in some places like Nigeria (a mostly conservative Christian country), where being discovered as gay can get you literally stoned to death. In other countries, Islam specifically prohibits the depiction of sentient beings in art. This is called aniconism, and the Sahih Bukhari is very explicit about this (even though the Quran is not). This is why Muslim art (most beautifully seen in Arabic architecture) uses geometric designs, and you do not see people or animals portrayed in it. Fursuits and furry art definitely fall into the prohibited depiction of animals, so you can see that the fandom will likely not be seen in conservative Muslim countries. (This doesn't mean it's impossible. For example, Indonesia, which is the largest Muslim country in the world in terms of population, hosts Indonesia Anthro Weekend Gathering in Kabupaten Tangerang). India, on the other hand, is dominated by Hindus, Sikhs, and Christians, none of which have this prohibition of animal art, but I am at this time unaware of any furcons in that subcontinent even though India being strongly influenced by the West because of its years in the British Empire and has a culture more primed to novel ideas such as furries. The expansion of the furry fandom proceeds organically. In a world connected by the internet; the spread of media in film, television, and music; and modern-day travel, the concepts of the fandom art planted much like birds dropping plant seeds in new environments to spread non-endemic species. If the soil is not nutritive to the new plant, it won't grow; if it is rich with the loam of open mindedness, it will. If you feel like you need to encourage the spread of the fandom to places like Pakistan or Mexico (Mexico, by the way, does have a furcon, Confuror 2024 - Home), I don't think you will be able to do it quickly. What you can do is reach out to any furries you might run into online from countries that are as yet virgin furry zones. Also, be a good example of the fandom to any newbies to our community. I hope that answers your question. Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I've been in the furry fandom for over a year, and I've been enjoying my time here. I've made so many friends and even met the love of my life. But there are times where I develop imposter syndrome. Like I feel like I don't deserve the friends and the awesome memories I made in the fandom. People tell me otherwise, but I feel like I genuinely have a hard time proving myself that I belong sometimes. Especially for the fact I don't own a fursuit or that I'm not an artist. Yet I still have people who love me, even outside the fandom too. I was wondering if this feeling is normal in the furry fandom and what are some good ways to remind myself that I do matter. Thank you. Sincerely, An anonymous Saint Bernard P.S. I love your fursona and fursuit so much. It's so awesome and adorable. Genuinely wanna give ya a hug. * * * Dear Saint Bernard, Thank you for your letter and the compliment :-3 First off, it must be emphasized that you do not need to have a fursuit to be an active and beloved member of the fandom; nor do you need to be an artist or a gamer or a writer or even have a fursona. The baseline here is simple: Do you love the anthro arts? This includes movies, TV shows, comic books, novels, furry RPGs, and so on. If you answered "yes," then you're a furry fan. The confusion is common. You see, there are really two types of furries: hobbyists and lifestylers. Hobbyists are those who enjoy the anthro arts but do not get into the self-identity side of it, which involves everything from having furriness engulf everything in your life (i.e., e.g. you have furry art and plushies and fursuit stuff all over your home (sometimes called being "furry trash"), furry stickers plaster your car, you often wear a tail or ears in public places, etc.) to actually feeling like you have an animal spirit or that your fursona is in some way really who you are (the far spectrum of this bleeds into the therian and otherkin communities). The hobbyist is much more caszh about the fandom. They like to go to cons or meets, sure, and they may have a fursona for playing games with their friends, but they fully identify as human and spend the majority of their time as such among their normie friends. I, personally (not that you asked), am somewhere in between. You can find furry art hanging in my office, I will be suiting for normie trick or treaters this week, and I do feel I have a spiritual connection to bears, but for the most part I seem pretty normie when I'm not at a furcon. Given the above, you are not an imposter. So, why do you feel like one? It might surprise you that the majority of young Americans (70% by one study) say that they have experienced imposter syndrome at least once in their lives. I have often experienced it too, and the result is usually my berating myself as insufficient in some way, and sometimes people misinterpret my anxiety to false modesty. For example, people sometimes compliment my intelligence, but then I say to myself I really am not that bright; I just have a bachelor's degree; I only speak one language fluently; I have never won an important award or grant or recognition yadda yadda. The result is that my negative feelings about myself are roadblocks to my moving ahead with my life at times. This kind of lack of self-esteem can usually be traced back to our childhoods, especially to those who had either very controlling or very protective and permissive parents. If you have been bullied or socially ostracized as a young person, this can certainly contribute to imposter syndrome when you later achieve great things in your life but a voice in the back of your head keeps telling you that you don't deserve it. My furiend, everyone deserves friendships and respect and love and happiness. And when it comes to the furry family, well, you have landed in a community to which many people who feel like social outcasts are drawn. I think you will (or have already) found people much like yourself who are shy, lack self-confidence or self-esteem, or just feel attracted to the fandom and are blown away by some of the popular furries in it and don't feel like they themselves measure up. Again, I do this too. When I first started getting active in the fandom around 15 years ago, and I saw some awesome artists and writers and musicians and fursuiters (and community leaders like Uncle Kage), I was like, "Okay ... um.... I'll just sit in the corner here and watch and not try to annoy anyone." But the more people I interacted with and the more friends I made, the more I felt like everything was cool here and I began to relax and really enjoy the community. To sum up: 1) no fursuit or artistic skills needed; 2) yes, it is quite normal at first, especially, to feel like you are an imposter; 3) with time, that feeling will ease as you make friends, find your crew, and have more fun being furry. Some techniques to assuage your feelings? 1) don't compare yourself to other furries; there will always be furries who seem more accomplished or whatever; who cares, just do you; 2) try to catch yourself when you say things that put yourself down; when you feel yourself saying things like "I'm not good enough to ... " just stop, pause, and replace that thought with something positive about yourself (e.g., I'm a good friend; I am good company to hang out with; I'm a giving person; I am helpful, etc.); 3) socialize socialize socialize, and by this I mean talk about your feelings with others (you'll find you share much in common) and be supportive of them; find people to lean on and let them lean right back on you; 4) and a great way to feel you contribute is by volunteering at a furcon or getting involved in some furcon charity activity such as the ALS Foundation fundraiser in which many furries have become involved (I can get you in touch with people if this interests you). I'd also like to share a very excellent article from VeryWellMind that talks all about this stuff in detail. It's like a 5-minute read. And don't worry! You're doing great! You've already found a support network, and I know that the more you get involved with furries the more comfortable you will become in the community. Don't forget to have fun! That's what it's supposed to be all about!!! Big Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Furries,
As some of you know, I have been running the Good Furry Awards for over five years now. The purpose of these awards was to thank the thankless in the fandom who do wonderful things both for furries and non-furries. We have had some wonderful winners in the past, including Ash Coyote, Dogbomb, Mark Merlino, and Rod O'Riley. I was particularly glad that Mark was able to receive a Lifetime Achievement Award before he passed away. I never wanted these awards to be "popularity contests." Honestly, I value everyone who was nominated because the intention was to give everyone who makes an effort to make the fandom a better place a paws up and a fuzzy hug. That's exactly the message in our theme song that was written by the fabulous Pepper Coyote. No, the true reason I started this project was that I was so exhausted from hearing furries criticizing the fandom all the time that I wanted to counteract all the negativity with something more positive: the Good Furry Awards. From the beginning, the GFAs have been criticized by the furry community. They have been called "fake awards," "popufur contests," and worse. Furries have tried repeatedly to stuff the voter box and to nominate fake people. At first, I brushed this off because I had the same reaction when I started the "Ask Papabear" column. I said to myself, "Buck up, Grubbs. People don't understand what you're trying to do, but they will eventually, and they'll see you are doing something good for the fandom." Things did get better for my column (although I still get snarky comments on occasion), but the same cannot be said for the GFAs. After five years, I still feel like the community finds these awards somehow offensive. I still get criticized for them all the time (which is weird because people don't criticize the Ursa Major Awards, but whatev). I've been wracking my brain as to why. Is it because the award winners are selected by popular vote? If that were true, the People's Choice Awards would have failed long ago. Is it because it is "fake" because I do all the work and not some corporation or national organization? Therefore, it's not "legit"? Or are the GFAs merely despised because furries who don't get nominated feel they aren't getting acknowledged? I honestly do not know the answer. But I do know this: Even though my intentions were always good (which is how one paves the Road to Hell, am I right?), if I am putting thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours of my own money and time into a project that nobody wants, then maybe my entire concept was misguided and wrongheaded. Perhaps I should try to find another way to thank furries on my own and not worry about what the fandom as a whole thinks. After all, if YOU don't want the GFAs, then why the heck am I doing all this work? My bad. As with the awards, though, I didn't want to make this decision without any input from furries. After all, I could be wrong. Maybe there are a lot of fans out there, and I just don't know it. So, here's the deal: I'm putting it to a vote. From now until August 31, you can vote on whether of not the Good Furry Award will stop now or continue on. How does this work? Well, being the good anal bear that I am, I made up fake ;) guidelines, towit: 1. There must be at least 200 votes received by the end of the month. (Weak turnout indicates apathy, and with several hundred thousand furries in the world, if I can't muster 200 votes, that's pretty telling.) 2. There must be a 2:1 ratio of Yes to No votes for the Yes column to win. I will announce the results September 1. GO HERE TO VOTE |
Categories
All
An excellent article on coming out LGBT to Christian parents.
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
|
RSS Feed