[Papabear Note: This is a special column that is, I feel, relevant to many furries, including myself. As I have noted before on this website, yours truly has struggled a lot with depression and negativity. I have sought ways to alleviate this to mixed success. A notion started to form in my head that has been supported by some articles I have written in psychology journals that being unhappy and feeling sorry for oneself can actually create a feedback loop that becomes addictive. This feedback is bolstered by social media, where we post about how sad we are and poor me and we get reinforcement from friends, family, and acquaintances that actually make us feel better about being sad. We get attention. We get validation. Now, of course emotional support from our friends and family is important and helpful in a crisis, but sometimes it can lead to a state in which one actually prefers feeling sad and negative than happy and positive because it gains them attention, easing loneliness. This can backfire, too, when it becomes off-putting to your social circle. It is, to say the least, a complicated issue. The following is an excerpt of a conversation I've been having with a furry (who shall remain anonymous). I'm only publishing this small part of it to make my point.] Papabear, I just take rejection very hardly. It gets me really painful. VERY PAINFUL. It's not like I never was rejected, it's that I was rejected a lot, as much that even a single acceptance would be insignificant for me. I used to be bullied when I was in elementary school, as well as I was bullying others myself, after that I got sent to a mental hospital... where I was diagnosed with autism and later rediagnosed with schizophrenia... All because I faked having hallucinations which were merely intrusive thoughts about a guy who used to bully me... I didn't tell my psychiatrist that I was bullied because if I would tell there will be problems, and I didn't want them... I ignore positive things in my life and focus on negatives a lot. Because the pain I feel from negativity is bigger than the pleasure from positivity. No wonder why I get hurt when people block me, and tell me that I'm a stalker and that I should leave them alone. I have actually a lot of online friends but very few offline friends. Even they aren't that significant to me because I'm insensitive to positive emotions, but very sensitive to negative... If I only could have a magic wand, I wish I could feel positive emotions just like a cat would taste sweet after it... Focusing on positive emotions is very important for friendship maintaining... If I only were able to feel positive emotions which is necessary to focusing on them, nobody would ever block me... (cries) * * * Dear Furiend, It seems pretty clear to me that you have an unhappiness addiction, especially when you say you get more stimulation from negative emotions than from positive ones. This is compounded, obviously, by your autism. You are also doing yourself no favors by not telling your therapist everything that is going on with you, which indicates you are sabotaging your own therapy in order to get off on feeling bad. Yes, sadness addiction is a thing. Here are some possible reasons as written about Dr. David Sack in Psychology Today: There are a number of possible explanations for this “addiction” to unhappiness: There are two methods for overcoming your addiction: 1) seek professional help (and be HONEST with your therapist--otherwise they can't help you), and 2) seek ways to change your behavior yourself. You can do a few things to help yourself: 1) work on living in the moment, appreciating good things you have now and little things you experience that bring happiness; 2) keep a gratitude journal, writing down the things you appreciate and know you should recognize; 3) do not burden yourself with the problems of the world (I am guilty of this myself); you are just one person; instead, try to act locally and do things positive in your local community, for your friends, or for your family; 4) when you do something good, give yourself a little reward; eat a piece of cake or go do something fun like see a movie or go to a water park or the beach or the mountains; 5) practice mindfulness, yoga, meditation, connect to your spirit and to Nature; 6) redefine the values in your life; don't define "success" as having money, material things, job promotions; rather, foster friendships and love in your life.
The more you nurture the love and friendship and goodness in your life, the healthier these aspects will become and the weaker your addiction to unhappiness. You might have heard the old Native American story about the wise man who tells his son that there are two wolves fighting in each of us. One is evil and one is good. Which one will win? the son asks. The one you feed, answers the wise father. Stop feeding your bitterness and unhappiness and begin feeding love, charity, hope, and friendship. Hugs, Papabear
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Hi, Papabear!
So I'm dealing with a issue lately. My parents keep on wanting me to not show my furry side of me. Its a long story but i will make it quick. My friend and I got in a huge fight over me just being a furry and my parents told me, "You can pretend to be a animal but dressing up as one has to stop." My heart just stopped for 1 sec. I just sat in my room and started to get mad because we are not animals and it's a insult. I know he did not mean to do it, but it still hurts. I really want to show him a Moms of Furries video. But I highly doubt he would watch all of it. So the only way I can seriously be a furry in any way is Zootopia. But that is what I thought... He got on me for THAT too! Now I can't be a furry and that's not fair. Now I just want to send cool art of anthro animals to my friends but no... I CAN'T (ugh). Hope you can help, GlaDOS the wolf age:11 * * * Dear GLaDOS, I've been receiving more and more letters from furries like you who are under 15 years of age. Unlike older furries, who are often out on their own, have transportation, and can socialize and be independent, being a very young furry can be difficult because you are under a lot of restrictions: you don't have much, or any, money, you can't hop in a car and go to a furmeet, and your parents control what you do while you are at home (an out in the world, too). That can be very frustrating. It is important to note, before I proceed, that most parents put various rules and restrictions on their children in an effort to protect them from harm. Some parents of furries forbid them from being furry because they have seen furry porn on the web and feel that it is a bizarre sex thing. Even if that is not the case, many parents forbid furriness because they just think "it's weird" and they are afraid of their children being bullied in school for being weird. They, like most people, are conformists--that is, they want to be "like everyone else" so that they are not rejected by society, and so they want the same for their children. "Normal" society is not imaginative, creative, or playful. "Normal" society is all about getting a college degree, getting a steady job, paying taxes, starting a family, and buying a house. In other words, boring. What many modern-day parents do not seem to understand is that imagination is important--especially in childhood, but also into adulthood. Imagination in childhood is exercised through play. Not the highly-organized, regimented play of, say, sports (sports are important for physical health and to learn teamwork, but not for imagination), which is so emphasized by our society, but the unstructured, creative play that is done naturally by most children until it is squashed out of their lives by parents, teachers, and peers. Pretending to be something else, role-playing, and costuming are all valid forms of play, and being furry is certainly one way of expressing this. Furry roleplay and costuming are beneficial for a number of reasons:
Parents who forbid their kids from doing things without explaining why usually find that this has the opposite effect on their children: the child wants to do that activity more than ever before. Bad parenting is the "Do it (or don't do it) because I said so." Ask your parents to give you a reason why you can't do fursuiting. Then give them the above reasons why it is actually a good and healthy thing to do. If they are afraid of your being teased by kids, well, if you are prepared for teasing then that is not an issue. (You can also explain furry benefits to your friend with the same list above). Remember, it is the creative people, the people who don't fit in a box, who are the most beautiful, shine the brightest, and live the loudest in this world. Good Luck, Hon, and Bear Hugs, Papabear Here is my situation:
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 years now. I'm not furry, but my boyfriend is. I let him know its OK and I sometimes watch it with him and tell him which ones I like the most and so on. I’ve also said that if he wants we can buy some furry props if he wants to add it to out intimacy. Recently, while coming back from a reunion, I noticed him speaking to someone on his phone and saw some furry stickers conveying some love gestures and I confronted him on who is this. He’s been texting with a furry artist and my boyfriend has been expressing in a horny way to him. He asked some commissions and I find that OK. My boyfriend has a fursona that someone made long ago, but what worries me a bit is that he asked for a drawing of the artist’s fursona, and his doing that, mixed with they’ve been chatting 2 weeks in a row, makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. He has not mentioned to this artist he has a couple, and [he sends] “good morning” and “good night” messages from my boyfriend’s side. This artist lives in Brazil, and we live in Spain, so I'm not that “worried” about something happening. My boyfriend told me he is like that when acting like his fursona; that is only that. And since I don't know much about it, I don't have anywhere or anyone to ask about that, and I'm scared that this way of acting on furry sites/chats might lead to bigger troubles for our relationship. Am I missing something he is looking for somewhere else? the question is (yeah, sorry for the long mail). Is it that normal? Having a different fursona not related to your actual self? Is it a big deal? I know since I'm not furry I might be blowing it out of proportion? Anonymous * * * Dear Anonymous, Thank you for your important letter. It addresses something about the furry community that really deserves much discussion. As someone who is a furry himself, active in the fandom for about 15 years, and who was furry long before that, sexuality and the fandom often comes up. I can write about this at length, and I do in my in-progress book about the fandom. It is a very complicated part of the fandom. But let's address a very specific part of furry and sexuality that involves your letter. I have personally experienced many instances in which furries (by no means ALL furries, one should note) separate their furry sex life from their real lives in order to resolve any cognitive dissonance (psychologists call this "compartimentalization"), which means they may know something they are doing is wrong but if they separate that bad behavior into "another life" it makes them less uneasy and guilty. Now, having a fantasy sex life is a common thing among people in general. Indeed, it can be healthy in many ways, so I'm not just talking about fantasy sex. What's not okay, however, is justifying bad behavior by saying, in effect, "Oh, I'm a furry and we do that sort of thing so it's okay." Um, no, not in all cases. Being a furry is not a Do-Whatever-You-Want-To-Do-Sexually Card. When is this a problem? Well, for one thing, when you are in a relationship with someone and they are uncomfortable with what you are doing, that's when. So far, dear writer, you have been very understanding and patient with your boyfriend, which is very good of you, being a mundane and all. But this doesn't mean you are required to be okay with your boyfriend flirting (or having virtual sex) with strangers online or on the phone. (If he were not a furry and the guy on the other end of the phone wasn't, would you be asked to be okay with it? I think not.) All relationships should have established ground rules of what is okay and what is not. This ranges from couples with very open relationships to those who are purely monogamous. Both extremes and everything in between are okay as long as both partners are cool with it. Hon, if what your boyfriend is doing is making you uncomfortable, you have every right to object to it. His using the excuse that he is furry and that furries "do this" is not a valid argument because it completely disregards your feelings and is, therefore, disrespectful and hurtful to you. Time for you two to sit down and discuss what is and is not okay when it comes to your sexuality. Before you do, make sure you know yourself what you are fine with and what you don't like. Remember, your feelings are valid and should be respected. His feelings are, too, but if the two do not mesh then you have some work to do on your relationship. You have a seven-year investment in this, and that is worth fighting for, so fight for it. Relationships take work, and this is one time where you'll need to do some fixing. Good Luck! Papabear Hi Papabear,
I feel like I've really needed to get this off my chest with somebody not close to me, but also semi-anonymously. I guess I'll just get the main thing mentioned and out of the way first. I have an attraction to kids, but I've never offended and would do my utmost best to maintain that. I guess I'm what you call a gold-star pedophile. I just feel so terrible for having this attraction, even if I've never offended. I want to be a good person; the best I could be, but this part of me feels like deep down I'm evil or corrupted. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I can't change it; I've already tried. It makes me hate myself. It started when I was just a kid at school and a little after sex ed. At first, it was normal, since while I was imagining kids, they were my age. Then I started imagining younger and I really liked that. I was a dumb kid and didn't know better or that it was wrong, but luckily never did anything with anybody. After I learned it was wrong, it seemed to stop for a little. I found furry porn and was satisfied with adult characters. Then I was looking into size difference stuff, and then stumbled upon some explicit cub art. Just like when I was a kid, I really liked it, but this time I knew it was wrong. The temptation was too much though and so I kept looking at more. I figured it wouldn't be too bad, since it was only fictional images and animations. After a little while, I found out that where I live, even fictional stuff is illegal, so I tried to stop. I searched up different things, like maybe it's some form of OCD, maybe it's some extreme form of porn addiction, that kinda stuff. I tried to stop looking at any and all porn for as long as I could to "reset" the sexual part of my brain as I read somewhere online. Even so, I kept imagining stuff. I tried to imagine adults, but it was difficult for me to get off to that, so I imagined kids. After a while I gave up and went back to looking at fictional stuff and simply disagree with the law, since it's a victimless crime with nobody being hurt. Every now and then I still try to stop though. I really don't want to admit this, but I should get this off my chest... After some time, I then started looking at 3D stuff of fictional humans, then I stumbled upon real stuff. I feel absolutely terrible for it, and only a monster could have enjoyed that. It makes me feel like I'm a broken, corrupted person or monster who simply shouldn't exist. I then stopped looking at it and tried my very best to stop being into this stuff, even fictional stuff. On the slightly bright side, I've avoided real stuff since. I don't want to be a bad person, but only a bad person could be into that. Even somebody as wonderfully kind as you probably wouldn't even accept me after admitting that. I just wish I could stop being into it. I want to reach out for help to stop the interest, but I'm too scared to get it. I'm afraid that if I go get help for this, I'll be put on some sort of list, which may as well ruin what life I have. It'd be near impossible to get jobs, and finding a place to live would be just as hard. I don't want that, but I don't want to be bad. This whole letter is probably pointless, and you probably won't be able to help, or won't want to help. Still, some part of me hopes you might have at least something to say that may help even a tiny bit. And if not, at least I've gotten all this off my chest... From A terrified and self-hating dragon (age 23, Australia) * * * Dear Dragon, You are very brave to reach out like this. I congratulate you on a couple of things: 1) recognizing you have a problem; 2) not acting out physically on your desire to have sexual relations with children; and 3) trying to do something about it. There is help for people like you. For the sake of my readers, we'll need to clarify some things about pedophilia. Pedophilia is defined as a strong sexual attraction for children who are prepubescent (younger than 13, in most cases). The pedophile, furthermore, should be at least 16 years old and five or more years older than the person to whom they are attracted. To be considered to have pedophilic disorder one must either act on this desire by sexually molesting a child or become so obsessed with doing so (without actually doing so) that the desire is disruptive to your normal, day-to-day functioning (i.e., e.g., you are having trouble focusing on work, school, or family because you are so preoccupied). If neither of these is true, you are considered to have a pedophilic orientation, but not a pedophilic disorder. It is estimated that about 2-3% of the U.S. population have this paraphilia, the vast majority of whom are male (a tiny fraction of a percent are female). So, why is pedophilia wrong? Obviously, one reason would be because it is illegal here in the United States and most countries, although one could note that some countries allow men to marry prepubescent girls, and, interestingly, only ten U.S. states legally forbid marriage to girls under the age of 18 (and there are states that allow girls to marry as young as 14). Marriage to very young women was fairly common some time ago in the United States. The reason why it has become illegal here and elsewhere is that marriage to underage girls is tantamount to child slavery. The much older husband, by marrying such a young bride, obtains total control of her life and basically has a free servant. Furthermore, prepubescent children are not sexually mature and therefore are not willingly consenting to sex, which makes it rape. So, you have two crimes here: slavery and rape. The same is true if it involves a homosexual relationship with a boy. An interesting sidebar question is why is it illegal to view child pornography? Well, if it is child porn with real girls and boys, clearly that is a form of child slavery and prostitution. But what about simple illustrations? This is a tricky one. U.S. law (Coroners and Justice Act 2009, sections 62-68) defines illustrations and animation as child porn if they are explicitly sexual, focus on genitalia, and/or are aimed at provoking arousal in the viewer. The PROTECT Act of 2003 broadened this definition into more non-sexual images but only if those images were more photo-realistic. It is important to note that these laws are focused against people who make and/or distribute such images and animation rather than those who possess it because in the case of the former it is easier to show that harm was intended toward a child while in the case of the latter it is difficult to show any actual harm was intended. Even so, there have been cases of people being arrested for possessing child porn on their computers (e.g. R. C. Fox https://dogpatch.press/2017/10/23/r-c-fox-arrested/). So, consider this a warning to furries into cub porn. What causes this paraphilia? Psychologists don't know, though there are theories about the pedophile either being sexually abused or observing inappropriate behavior in the household. There are theories, too, that there is a genetic component. None of these hypotheses have been demonstrated scientifically. I also have a theory that it has something to do with an attraction to innocence and purity that, ironically, stirs sexual urges. There is no connection to OCD, however, as you theorized. Whatever the cause, pedophiles can receive treatment. I want to note here, too, that when you seek help from a psychologist or psychiatrist that you are protected by doctor-patient confidentiality (that was a concern of yours, so please don't worry about that). To find help, you can start with Pedo.Help, which offers a log of good information, including links to organizations across the world. In Australia, where you are, there is Phoenix House, so I would look there, too. You will not be put on "some list." This is not a sexual offender registry. You've gone this far trying to do the right thing, so the next step is finding a qualified therapist. Proud of you. Keep going. Good luck! Papabear Hello.
I aspire to become a furry YouTuber later on. I plan on being a well known contributor to the community, but I have a few setbacks: finding new friendships with people who actually desire to be there for me personally (instead of with those who only like me for my "fame"), while not falling into traps of bitter drama that the fandom sadly brews nowadays. How do I fully discern which members of the fandom really do mean me well? Thank you. Luzaster * * * Dear Luzaster, Being a YouTuber and finding quality friends are two different things. Let's start with the former. Your goal is to become well known. That is the wrong goal. You should not do stuff because you want to be popular; you should do stuff because it is something you enjoy and you want to do some good in the world. If you do things just to get noticed, validated, and find fame, that is not an admirable goal. It's ironic you want to be famous and then disdain people who want to be around you for the very thing you desire: fame. Anyway, you are putting the cart before the horse, assuming you will become famous and then have a bunch of groupies, whom you will then dismiss because they just want to be around you because you're a popufur. My advice, Luzaster? Get your priorities straight. When you have solid goals based on solid values of being a good person, good friends will follow. If your goals are shallow, your friends will be, too. Papabear |
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A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
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