Hello Papabear, I am wondering how am I supposed to become a popufur since way back then until now. No matter how hard myself trying on improving my conversation between people, fixing up my self-image, making new friends (fur friends and real life human) and learn and googled about how to strike a conversation and keeping it going on, but I failed to do so! Does Papabear have any valuable advice and guidance that will not only help me improve myself but becoming a popufur I would gladly appreciate and practice until I become a popufur. Thanks, Papabear. I am looking foward for your reply! From a shy wolf, VolkWolf (age 20, Malaysia) * * * Dear VolkWolf, Nice to hear from a furry all the way from Malaysia :-3 I can see you’re learning English pretty well, although still struggling a bit. Because of that, you might not realize what a popufur is. Popufurs are people who want to be popular for the sake of popularity. This might sound cool, but, in truth, it is a very shallow attitude to have. People who desperately seek to have lots of followers on furry and other social websites do so because they wish to be validated. That is, they wish to be seen as valuable furries in the community. Whether or not that attention is deserved is not important; all that matters to a popufur is that he or she be seen as something special and someone to be envied and put on a pedestal. What you, I hope, really want is to make more friends in the furry community, and to make more connections to people who share your interests both locally and around the world. That is the better goal to set for yourself. Real, true, loyal friends are priceless. Each real friend is worth more than a million groupies who only follow you because you have set yourself up as a “popufur” and they want to join the bandwagon. How do you make friends? Well, you say you are already doing that, which is great, so perhaps you don’t need any tips, but the way to make friends is to be a friend. Be kind to others, be supportive, be interested in their lives and what they have to say. Don’t do anything to hurt them; don’t betray them; try and always keep your word. No one is a perfect friend (I myself have failed to be one on several occasions, to my regret), but it is something toward which you should always strive. So, VolkWolf, my advice to you is this: you're asking the wrong question; don’t try to be a popufur; try to be the best friend to others that you can be. Little else matters in this world other than kindness and love. If we all were kind and loving to one another, just think what an amazing world it would be. Hugs, Papabear P.S. If you'll indulge me, this reminds me of a song I love by Steve Martin.
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Dear Papabear,
I'm in a relationship with a very nice and sweet guy, but his childish and stubborn sides are getting a little much for me. We're a long distance couple, and have met once in person. He's only a year younger than me, but he acts like a middle schooler sometimes. 80% of the time he's nice and sweet and treats me like a princess but whenever I bring up things that bother me he just secludes himself from me and posts really dark and triggering art, like pictures of his pony, I'm sorry readers if this next part upsets you, pulling his own intestines out. He went almost a week posting art like that and completely ignoring me out of nowhere because I called someone an angel for offering to send me a free bathbomb with something I ordered. He's gone 3 whole days without drinking anything because his mom didn't buy him his expensive tea. The fight we just got in, which is what pushed me to seek advice, was over jobs and paychecks. I have a job interview tomorrow, and explained that 1/3 was going into savings, 1/3 to self care and luxuries, and 1/3 to bills and helping my family with grocery money. He replied with he was putting every penny into a plane ticket. And, no, that wasn't some romantic like, he literally wants to do that. He's obsessed with me, I'm his universe, and honestly that's the least attractive thing for me. I have been working so hard to live for myself and to love myself after finally getting out of a slew of abusive relationships and away from abusive relatives. All I want is to date someone who loves themselves and lives for them self, but chooses to share their life with me.... At this point I feel like he's unhealthy obsessed with me, like I'm his only lifeline and that's the only reason to date me. It's draining. He's made threats that if I ever left him he would kill himself, and he tried to the last time a girl broke up with him. He's super popular on Tumblr too, and I'm afraid I'd get so much harassment and hate if I broke it off. Today I was having a mental break down, and it was lifted when I got something in a mail. A purchase I made that was a huge milestone for me and that should have been a sweet and perfect experience, but now it's soiled. And I feel like he did it on purpose. Every time I look at it it just reminds me of this fight and it's heart breaking. Every time I get the courage almost up to break it off I think about the times he treats me well and re-think it. I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship again. Maybe I'm selfish for wanting to date someone who is independent from me, maybe I'm in the wrong, but all I know is I'm unhappy and lost as to what to do. What do you think papa? Is this something I was wrong about, is it something I should wait for him to grow out of, or is it really as toxic as it makes me feel? I don't think even if I should break up with him I could. I dread to hear him beg and cry for me back, to see all those nasty pictures and posts he'll post, and most of all I'm afraid to have his death on my hands.... Fishy * * * Hey, Fishy, Thanks for writing. You’re gut instinct is correct: this is an unhealthy relationship to the extreme. Anyone who posts violent images after having a serious discussion with you or who threatens suicide upon a breakup is emotionally unstable and needs to seek psychiatric care posthaste! It is unhealthy for you to be in this relationship, and you definitely should break it off for your own sake. You are currently staying in the relationship for totally wrong reasons: 1) you’re afraid that because he is popular he will post things online and people will be mad at you, and 2) you think he will kill himself. Let me put this as clearly as possible: you are not responsible for his actions. He owns them, not you. (Also, I seriously doubt he would actually go through with it; he's a drama queen; the people you have to watch out for are the troubled ones who don't say they will kill themselves). And, yes, you are in an abusive relationship again. Putting aside the fact that LDRs are not real relationships in my book, you need to explore why you keep selecting bad relationships. Unlike this current misbehavior on the part of your boyfriend, you are responsible for the kinds of people you choose to have in your life. Not knowing you at all, I couldn’t begin to assess why this is, but you should probably explore your relationship with your parents to discover why this is. Usually, people who feel rejected somehow in childhood feel unworthy of decent relationships, and so they glomp on to the first person who shows them any bit of kindness. Then, when that person turns out to be a lemon, the insecure person believes that they are somehow to blame. Sound familiar? The guy you’re seeing is emotionally stunted and psychologically damaged. He needs some help, no doubt, but it is not your responsibility to help him. Suggest he seek some counseling and then, if you are wise, run away from this guy as fast as you can. This might sound cruel, but, trust me, if you stay with him he will ruin your life; he will make you utterly miserable, and, worse, make you feel that somehow you are to blame. And, if he posts nasty things about you online after you break up, feel free to link people to my column so they can get the full story. After a number of bad relationships, it sounds as if it is finally dawning on you what you really need: as you put it, someone who is independent and strong but wants to share his life with you. THAT would be a great mate to find! I know it's easier said than done, but try to find someone like that, hon. Papabear Papabear,
So, I've been dating this wonderful fox, and he's sweet and caring, and just about everything I could have asked for. Sounds great, right? He also has this bad habit of being shallow, and seems to consider it a badge of honor that he, quote, “Stayed with me when he saw what I looked like,” even though he constantly says he thinks I'm beautiful and pretty. I'm only two hundred pounds, but he can make me feel like I'm two thousand. Other than this one thing, he's nearly perfect; neither he nor my friends seem to understand that it hurts ... a lot, as I have tried to discuss my feelings with them. Am I just being insecure or what? Rose (age 20) * * * Dear, Rose, There is a difference between being “insecure” and being offended by an insult. Insecure people find fault with themselves even when nobody is saying anything bad about them, but if someone deliberately insults you, you are permitted to get pissed off. You were insulted in a very passive-aggressive way that is quite infuriating and reveals your fox to be a shallow git. We have a bit of a contradiction here in that in one breath you describe him as sweet and caring and, in the next, shallow and insulting. You can’t be both. He has a serious character flaw. Now, as I’ve said before in this blog, no one is perfect. We all make mistakes and say stupid things. But it sounds like fox does this on a pretty regular basis, and you have tried to explain to the fox (and friends) that when they belittle your appearance it hurts your feelings. Yet, they keep doing it. Why? If fox is really a good (and halfway intelligent) person, he would feel bad for what he’s done and stop insulting you because he cares about you. Now that I’ve told you you’re not being insecure, you need to go to him and demand a straight answer: “Which is it? Do you think I’m pretty or not?” If he says not, then you have your answer and you should probably find a new boyfriend. If he says you are, then ask, “Then why do you make me feel bad about my weight?” The answer you will likely get is something lame such as, “Oh, I was just teasing you; I didn’t mean it.” Then you come back with, “If you don’t mean it, then why say it?” If he repeats that it was a joke, tell him you don’t find it funny and he needs to stop it now. Or, if he just gets tongue tied and makes no reply, tell him to get back to you when he figures it out, but in the meantime you don’t want to see him. If I were to make a guess, judging by your letter, I would say fox is keeping you as a girlfriend until someone skinnier comes along, and then he’ll dump you. He flatters you on the one paw to keep you (have you had sex with him? that’s a motivation on his part, as well), but he insults you to keep the door open for when he decides it’s time to find someone else. This is highly manipulative and reprehensible behavior, I hope you will see. If I were you, I would give fox two choices: either the insults stop, or the two of you need to break up. You deserve better. Hugs, Papabear |
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