Papabear,
I need help in a furry and I'm 17 and my mom absolutely hates furries she wont let me be one and if I even mention it she will take away all my privileges but I'm getting sad cuz I need to express myself she even checks my phone Facebook and email but she can't see this one the point is what should I do? I can’t express myself and I’m getting sadder and sadder each day. Travis Tiger * * * Dear Travis, Papabear has addressed the “coming out furry” issue many times (see under Categories on the Letters page). And, typically, the worst scenario is an underage furry whose parents are conservative and/or very religious telling their son or daughter that he or she cannot participate in the furry community. I don’t wish to sound like a broken record, but once every now and then it is justified to take another look at this. I will try to do so, each time, while putting a new spin on things. People like your mother tell their children not to do things because they are afraid their kids will become corrupted and their lives will spin out of control. Such fears are largely born out of ignorance. Such efforts are also futile and counterproductive, because they always end up with the child resenting the parent and then, eventually, doing what he/she wants anyway. The logical thing to do would be to try and educate your mother that furries aren’t so bad, but this can be very difficult to do when the “student” has a closed mind and doesn’t respect your right to be an individual. What this means is that you need to be motivated to become an independent person who no longer has to live under the rules set up by Mommy. You are 17, soon to be 18 and of legal age. What are your plans for school? Job? It is time to stand up on your own two feet and become an adult. Once that happens, you can do what you like and not listen to Mom. In the meantime, you need to learn patience while you work for that day when you are free to be you. If you want to be who you truly are, then the best way to do that is to no longer be dependent on other people. Become your own person; become self-sufficient; take charge of your life so others can’t take your right to the life you want. Good luck! Papabear
0 Comments
Dear Papabear,
I am writing to tell you that I'm going through some growing pains. I recently discovered that I'm a gay wolf. And ... let's just say, I'm not comfortable with it. I've always felt like I was straight, but I started to really like fantasizing about males, I wanna say when I was 18? But, I was never allowed to even express it considering the fact that my Mom was a "walking-talking duck" Christian, and I use that term, because she literally does what she is taught from the Bible, interprets the phrases and practices it out in the general population. (Non-denominational religion) And I used to be a Christian, until now becoming an apostate. And she doesn't know I'm not straight. Anyways, I talk to very dear friends of mine who are helping me cope with my orientation, and all the while they have said that I was born this way. However, because my mother's teaching is so INGRAINED in to my brain, having to remove it is like cutting cement to find buried treasure, thus, I keep refusing to believe it. And, I don't know what I should believe, because the Bible "says" that its a choice I'm making, but, I'm still conflicted about it, and even though there have been studies and meta studies (studies on studies) time and time again, I just have a problem believing it. And any doctor or scientist can just say something to a person, without the person realizing that it could be just a fallacy. Not only that, but I'm also scared for my future. As I was once a straight man, I didn't have to worry about marriage rights, and now its like, I'm gonna have to worry about it, as well as possibly believe in the symbolic rainbow flag, which I'm not too comfortable with. Reason being is because I don't like what it represents, and even during pride parades, which I will probably refrain from going, its still "in your face" style oriented, as well as other LGBT activities, in fact, I really don't want to be part of its community in general, as I'm not proud of my sexuality. Whether open, or closed. And I certainly am not comfortable telling my other furry friends who don't know about my sexuality, because even though they are a very open group, I myself am just, not. ._. So I guess I really only have two questions, though you said one, but I hope you don't mind. 1) Should I believe my friends and say that I really was born gay? 2) Do I have to be part of the LGBT community in general? That's about it. Wolfthorne * * * Dear Wolfthorne, I don’t know if you’ve been reading my column very long, but if you have you probably know that I’m a “late bloomer” when it comes to being gay. I was married and thought I was straight for years, until I was 40. I won’t bore you with the details, but you can imagine it was quite an awakening for me. I blame my delay on two things: 1) my father would quickly negatively reinforce any behavior on my part that wasn’t “butch,” and 2) my only exposure to gay people was a few examples on TV (this was before the Internet) and gay men were always portrayed as effeminate, which was something I didn’t like (I’m a fan of bears). I understand what you are going through and, believe me, you are much better off figuring out you are gay at your age than in middle age. My father, like your mother, was very religious (Southern Baptist), and I know that the religious can be very closed-minded (though not necessarily so; I have religious friends who are very accepting of me). First thing you need to do is start unlearning what you have learned (quoting Yoda). I hope you won’t think of me as a corrupting influence when I tell you that the Bible is a mishmosh of outdated and self-conflicting baloney. Now, there’s some good stuff in there (Jesus’ “Golden Rule” is my favorite, but it seems to be a rule that most conservative Christians forget), but, really, the Bible was written thousands of years ago at a time when life was very different. Many of the things in the Bible (such as dietary rules and farming rules) made sense then because of the dangers of things like diseases that we now have under control (eating meat from swine was often a good way to become sick, for example). Some rules in the Bible are just plain stupid (e.g., in Leviticus 21 it says that if you are blind, lame, or, get this, have a flat nose, you can’t pray before an altar of God). Many other rules, especially in Old Testament books such as Deuteronomy, are terrifying. For instance, if you curse or blaspheme God, you are to be stoned to death (everyone who has said “godd***it” raise your paw; now get ready to die). Adulterers are also put to death; if you curse out your mother or father, you must be put to death, too. Not to mention that in the Bible the writers believed in wizards and sorcerers and demons, etc. etc. Much of the New Testament contradicts the Old Testament, the latter being much more violent. A lot of Christians call themselves “Old Testament Christians,” meaning they believe in these harsh punishments, but, really, if you take that term literally, “Old Testament Christian” means you are Jewish because you don’t follow Jesus’s law in the New Testament. You can’t have it both ways, all you conservatives out there. Why are there so many contradictions and such weird crap in the Bible? Because the Bible is the most heavily-edited-by-committee book in human history. Over the centuries, church leaders have decided what goes in and what (“apocryphal”) books go out. Furthermore, it varies from church to church. There are so many different versions of the Bible it will make your head spin. That’s why it has become akin to reading directions on how to assemble living room furniture that were originally written in Japanese, translated into English, then into Spanish, then back to Japanese and back again to English. Okay, now, in your letter you say that the Bible says homosexuality is a choice. Not true. The Bible says that homosexuality is a sin and an abomination, but nowhere in it does it say anything about it being a choice (or, for that matter, something that you are born into). Basically, it considers being gay a sin, though it is a forgivable sin if you repent and seek to be Saved. What this means is that you can be a Christian and a homosexual, but you cannot practice homosexuality (you’d have to suppress it your entire life). Remember, though, this is a very old document that is outdated and written at a time when homosexuality was accepted or not, depending on the culture. In ancient Rome, for instance, people didn’t have a problem with it. Indeed, Paul’s letters to the Corinthians in which he addresses homosexuality are largely in reference to his disapproval of the practice within the Roman Empire. Let’s jump ahead to the Middle Ages, an interesting chapter in Christian history. At the time, church leaders came up with a way to deal with homosexual partners that was sort of a “don’t ask, don’t tell” approach. In a ceremony called adelphopoeisis (from the Greek, meaning, essentially, “brother-making”) same sex couples were united in a rite that acknowledged they were more than just friends, though not spouses. It tacitly acknowledged that these couples were in love and having sex with each other (cf. the writings of historian John Boswell). Most Christians today, however, believe in the old philosophy that homosexual love is against natural law and, therefore, a sin. The main thrust of this argument is that sex is for procreation and nothing else. Sex for pleasure, even with one’s spouse, was traditionally frowned upon. That has slowly changed, and, along with it, attitudes about homosexuality have become more moderate in many Christian denominations, including, remarkably, the Catholic Church (Pope Francis, when asked what he felt about homosexuals, recently noted that the Bible says we shouldn’t judge others; only God can do that). Wolfthorne, I would suggest that you don’t have to renounce Christianity, if you don’t wish to. Many churches around the world will accept you for who you are, including the Seventh-day Adventist Church, the Church of Canada, the United Church of Christ, the Global Alliance of Affirming Apostolic Pentecostals, and the Unitarian Universalist Church, among others. Just because your mother belongs to a very conservative denomination, I imagine (Baptist? Jehovah’s Witnesses?), doesn’t mean all Christians are that way. This is all a long-winded way of saying that just because your mom thinks homosexuality is awful because of what the Bible “says” doesn’t mean she’s right. But to your first question: are you born a homosexual or is it a choice? I believe—and this is just one bear’s opinion—that it is not a choice. A big reason is this: why in the heck would ANYONE choose to be ostracized by society? Why would you want to make your life more difficult, to be the object of hatred, to, in essence, become a pariah within most societies? No one would want that just for the sake of sex. I certainly didn’t want it. Discovering I was gay destroyed my marriage of over 20 years. I went through absolute hell—guilt, self-loathing—for many years. It was not a fun time. About the science: yes, there is growing evidence that being gay is, at least in part, genetic. This article from 2014 reports that scientists have found two regions of our DNA that appear to make people inclined toward homosexuality. But it is actually wise to question science as much as religion. Scientific theories change almost daily, flawed papers get published all the time, scientists often fudge their data in order to get grants, and so on. Nothing has been proven beyond a doubt, yet, but I would tend to agree with your friends. Our sexual proclivities are something that are part of our character. We don’t learn to be gay; we either are or we aren’t gay. As to your second question: no, you don’t have to participate in gay culture. It continues to fascinate me that there appears to be a belief out there that the LGBT community is, shall we say, a homogeneous collection of like-minded people, perhaps even its own nation (hey, we have a flag, right?) Ridiculous. The LGBT community is just as diverse as the straight community. As I mentioned above, there are certain things about the gay community I’m not a big fan of, and one of them, I’ll agree with you, is some of the more outrageous Gay Pride events I have seen. These events are supposed to show LGBT people in a positive light and to show straight people that we are just like them. Now, while some parades I’ve seen are tame, others look more like Mardis Gras in New Orleans, complete with sexualized behavior and a lot of bare skin. I really don’t think that is necessary as a public display, nor does it help convince straight people that we aren’t somehow a “threat” to their way of life. Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you have to hang a rainbow flag outside your door. Gay people don’t have secret decoder rings or handshakes, and, despite what people like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell might say, there is no conspiracy to convert the world to homosexuality (fearmongers like these guys spread hate about homosexuals for one reason: it fills their coffers with donations from the weak-minded). The LGBT community is far from united. I, in fact, feel very much outside of it, for the most part. I live pretty quietly with my mate, Yogi, and visit gay friends occasionally, but that’s about it. The rest of my time I occupy myself with very outrageous gay activities, such as working on my computer, doing chores around the house, playing with my dog, and watching television. Oh, the humanity! Wolfthorne, all of this is to say that you can be as out or as closeted as you are comfortable with. You can try to meet a gay man, or you can choose other pursuits for the time being (there’s more to life than sex). There is no all-encompassing right-or-wrong answer. Rather, each person is an individual. You are now exploring who you are, and that’s fine. The process could take years; it could even take the rest of your life. Go at your own pace. Don’t pressure yourself. Whatever you decide, it’s okay. Just remember the Golden Rule, and you will be fine. Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
My friend is making me a foam base for a fursuit head for real cheap ($15, a steal). Do you have any advice for actually putting fur on it and making the rest of the suit (it’s a crow/raven)? I saw yours and thought it looked great, so I assumed you would be a great guy to ask. Kirbl the Corvid (age 12) * * * Hi, Kirbl, Well, my first advice to you would be don’t put fur on it :-) If you’re a raven, put black feathers on it! Or something that looks like feathers, anyway. Of course, birdsuits are a bit more complicated than mammals in some ways. You have all sorts of different textures: the hard beak, the smaller feathers on the head and underbelly, the larger flight feathers, and a different material all together for the legs and feet. Thank you for the compliment on my fursuit, but I didn’t make it. That credit goes to my wonderful fursuit maker, Beastcub. Here, FYI, is an example of a birdsuit she made http://www.beastcub.com/apps/photos/photo?photoid=185044670. It’s very nice that your friend is making a head for you for $15. My advice to you on the rest of the fursuit (if your friend can’t do it) is to look for a maker who has made birds before. Money, of course, can be a bit of a problem. Because you are 12 and are likely going to grow some more, I would not invest a tremendous amount of money in this first fursuit because it likely won’t fit you after a couple years. Therefore, use this first fursuit as a learning experience and don’t spend a lot of money on it. It will work great, too, as you learn how to perform in one. In the meantime, I would also advise you to join a fursuiter social networking page, such as on Furry4Life or Facebook and chat with furries who also have birdsuits. Sorry I couldn’t be more help! Sadly, I’m not talented with a needle and thread, but there are lots of people out there who are, and many are happy to share what they know with you. Stay Furry! Papabear Papabear,
Ever since I was introduced to the furry fandom by a friend in 3rd grade, I loved the idea of going fursuiting, making fursuit videos, making fursuits. Fursuits in general have always amazed me! I recently started making a fursuit (that I am very happy with so far!), and I was thinking about how fun it would be to go out fursuiting! I had never really planned this out, and the fact that I’m still young, and that I don't have any talents that I could share to the world that involves wearing a fursuit, came to my attention. With all of the wonderful friends I have, only few of them are furries, and none of them have fursuits. Not only do my parents dislike the idea of me fursuiting alone, but I don't want to either. If I went fursuiting without anyone else, not only would I look strange, or suspicious, but It would be very risky. If I do go fursuiting, alone or not, I would end up just standing there, and waiting for someone to approach me, because I’m clueless of what to do when you go fursuiting. Like I stated earlier, I have no talents that I could show off with my fursuit. I've tried dancing, and I’m not very good, and I don't enjoy it at all. I'd approach people myself but I’m afraid I’d scare them, or they'd think I was some creep. I've always been confident, but one of the main reasons I want to go fursuiting is to make people happy. I overall just have no idea how I’m going to be able to go fursuiting once my suit is done. Please help! Kachebe the Shiba-inu (age 12; Winter Park, FL) * * * Hi, Kachebe! Yes, fursuits are great fun, and if you are like most fursuiters, the real joy you’ll find in doing it will be interacting with other people and making them smile. You are also correct that fursuiting alone is really not a great idea. The biggest reason for this is that when you are in a fursuit your vision will be restricted. This can vary from fursuit to fursuit, but even with those that have a fairly large area opened up for vision, you will still have very little or no peripheral vision. Also, eyeholes are usually covered with a mesh or other material that makes it harder to see, especially in low-light areas. This is why it is best to have a “handler” with you at all times—especially if you are inexperienced at fursuiting. A handler is someone who is not in fursuit and who can keep an eye out for hazards, such as curbs, steps, ramps, or anything blocking a walkway, such as wiring or plant debris. Handlers also keep an eye out for mischievous kids (and adults) who might sneak up on you, pull on your tail, or do things that could startle you or damage your fursuit. Also, a basic rule of fursuiting is that you should not approach people, but, rather, let them approach you. This is especially true with children because their parents or guardians might get freaked out if you approach them suddenly, and the kids can get scared, too. For example, even though I don’t find my bearsuit scary—and most children don’t either—I’ve had some very small kids cry just by looking at me. When that happens, I make sure I retreat and make myself as unthreatening as possible. That said: interacting with people. I, like you, don’t have any real “talents.” I don’t dance well, I don’t juggle or, like some fursuiters, rollerblade. But I do have my fursona character. I’m a big, lovable, huggable bear. A lot of what I do is simply hugging people and posing for photos. When the timing seems right, I also do silly things like follow people around, mocking their movements, playing peekaboo, silly things like that that anyone can do. Fursuiting is, really, a form of acting. It’s performance art, and the best fursuiters are the ones who really get into character and have fun with it. Okay, so, when can you fursuit, if not at a furcon. There are two kinds of options here: furmeets and furcons, and special events. Now, you live in Winter Park near Orlando (Disneyworld!), which is rather a furry hotspot, isn’t it? Have you tried joining Florida Furs (http://www.meetup.com/Florida-Furs/)? Also, the Megaplex furcon is in Orlando (July 31-August 2 this year). If I were you, I would definitely try to attend local furmeets, which always afford chances to fursuit with plenty of people around you. The other thing you can do is suit up for events such as Halloween or even Easter. You can sometimes suit up for fairs and parades (near me, for instance, is the Pasadena Doo-Dah Parade that encourages dressing up), and many furries go to Renaissance festivals and fursuit there (near you is the Lady of the Lake Renaissance Faire, but there are several others in Florida, too). There’s another thing you can do, too, that might even make you some money: you can see if a business will hire you to stand in front of its store (perhaps while holding a sign) and attract people to come in to the store. I’ve done this in Palm Springs and it’s a lot of fun. Still another idea: your fursona is a Shiba Inu (I must assume, since it’s in your name), which is a type of spitz. You might see if there is a dog show near you and see if the people who run it would like you to suit up as a promotional tool for them. You could also do this for kennels and animal shelters, either for pay or as a volunteer. On the subject of volunteering: GREAT way to fursuit and interact with people. I know several fursuiters who perform for charities and have an AMAZING time. It’s very rewarding and you get to fursuit at the same time. So, there you have several options. I hope one or more of them appeals to you. Have fun! Stay Furry! Papabear Papabear,
I'm feeling a lot of guilt over "Facebook-stalking" a very dear online (furry) friend of mine. The temptation started after I realized that the email he initially used to contact me on a forum website contained his full real name, and from many late-night, hours long conversations, I knew enough about him that I was able to find his LinkedIn. From there, I jumped around a bit until I found his wife's Facebook, and then found his. I've known him for over a year now, and in that time he's become my dearest friend, like a father to me (he's old enough, literally) and I call him my "Godfather" in acknowledgement of how he's guided my spiritual and personal growth. But still...I had lingering doubts after a messy breakup with a lying ex and my therapist telling me "a person can be anyone they want to on the internet." So...I did it, and after looking through his pictures and realizing he's exactly who he said he is...I feel really, really guilty about it. It's not like either of us tried to hide our identities, and I knew his first and middle names, and he knew a bit more but...this definitely feels like a breach of trust. My conscience is complicated over this because I know things about him, and him about I, that would utterly destroy our lives if they came out. We're deeply intimate confidants, and the leverage I hold over him would make any break of friendship...disastrous. Sufficient to say, he'd lose his job and get ostracized by his wife and extended family, and I'd get murdered (literally) by my friends, if my parents didn't kick me onto the streets and shoot me first. So basically...should I tell him? I've had other people tell me it's a bad idea, but, he's never spared me a single gritty detail of his life at all, and has been willing to provide anything I've asked for. I'm leaning towards "no," because this feels like a serious breach of trust, especially considering how gracious and open he is in entrusting me with what I know about him. Still, I'm conflicted a bit, and I'm hoping you might sort my scattered thoughts. Thanks, Anonymous * * * Hi, Furiend, Short answer: no, don't tell him you spied on him. And don't discuss his personal life with others, please! I understand what you did because the Internet can be a scary place inhabited by many creepazoids. Sometimes one errs on the side of caution, but now that you know he was honest with you, hit the reset button. Be a good friend and confidant, and promise yourself never, ever to betray his trust again. You have found someone to whom you can confide, and even though he is more of the father figure here, trust me, he needs you, too, to be someone he can trust and talk about things that matter to him. Part of being a good friend is maintaining confidences. We ALL have secrets in our lives, things in our past, about which we are not proud. But that doesn't mean we should be punished for them if we are striving to be good people. It is not always wise to tell the truth. When is that so? When doing so causes more harm than good. This is one such case. So, keep your muzzle shut, and be supportive. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
This is Overworked and Stressed Out again, but now I have a different thing worrying me. Roughly four months ago, I wrote to you about a new full-time job I had acquired at a bank as a teller. At the time I wrote to you, I said that I was enjoying myself at my new job and that I felt I could do it. Let’s just say it was a one month stand. Recent weeks haven’t exactly been the best for me at that place. Largely because I feel that every time I walk in, I feel like something doesn’t feel right. Sure, my coworkers are nice, the hours are terrific, and even though the pay could still be better, there’s a little voice in my head telling me that I shouldn’t be here. And trust me it’s getting harder to ignore with each passing day. OK, I’ll be honest, I have a total lack of interest in my job (No pun intended with that remark). I feel as though I made a horrible mistake in taking this job. Even though I’m great at greeting the customers and processing their transactions, during the downtime I just idle away online. I have absolutely no interest (Again no pun intended there) in expanding my skills in the financial world, I keep messing up my duties, and I just feel like I’m not going to last long at all in this field (One day, when I was still doing both jobs the situation at the bank got so bad I suffered an emotional meltdown). In fact, just the previous week I made a series of slip-ups and near slip-ups that I’m supposed to know by now. As you may or may not know, banking is one of the most highly regulated industries. Well, I wish I knew that going in, because I find it difficult to keep track of all the different regulations the industry has, and has led me to several slip-ups as I have previously mentioned. I’ve been written up for several (in my mind and humble opinion, minor) violations, and my confidence is taking a real beating. That being said, I want you to know that there is something else that I am interested in, a field that I should’ve spent more time in that I’m now realizing might be my one true calling – Voice Acting. I actually took a voice over class a few years ago (in Spring 2011), and I liked it. While I was a little slow in getting started, I enjoyed the challenge of putting my demo out there and I actually have had some success in that field even going so far as to do this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6AK0Go5MFc Pretty neat huh? Well, I was so focused on trying to get steady work that I had let this dream of mine get sidetracked, and now I’m looking at restarting it again. A few weeks ago I have started taking a weekly course on voice acting skills and techniques to nail auditions. I’m doing this for three reasons: 1) to refresh my voice acting skills, 2) to gain some contacts in the business (this course is taught by four separate people), and 3) because it’s something I enjoy. When I did my first voice acting job, I didn’t care as to what time it was or how many takes I had to do. All I knew was it was something I really enjoyed doing. Whereas with my job at the bank, I’m constantly worried over getting something wrong, over having nothing to do (this is particularly true in the middle of the week) and whether I’ll be getting the axe. On top of all that, just today my supervisor kept pointing out mistakes I’ve been making over the course of the month (most of which were generally minor), something that already gives me anxiety overload, and I’ve already gotten written up over mishandling check cashing procedures. To be honest, I feel that this business is WAY too anal retentive. On the other hand, my instructors at my voice acting class are more than willing to constructively critique me without tearing me down, and just the other day one even said I showed great potential in the sense that I initially come across as shy, but when I start reading my script, I really get into it and all my shyness melts away. Plus, I’m much more interested in this field than with banking. My only problem is I don’t know exactly where to start looking for voice over work. So yeah, that is my current dilemma with my employment situation. Oh, and I haven’t told my family yet about my recent work struggles, and I don’t know if I want to (or even if I can) tell them that my new job just isn’t working. I mean, they’re so proud of me for finally getting full time work that I don’t want to upset them, but I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I’ve already suffered no less than three emotional meltdowns (breaking down sobbing) in the last two weeks (My recent one was today when I broke down in front of my head teller during our monthly one-on-one review, however she told me that maybe banking just isn’t my niche and seemed genuinely supportive when I told her of my dream career). I just feel like I really screwed up my working life here. One last confession, Perhaps it was the first thing to come along, but I took this job not only for the money, but because it was full-time. Guess I should choose my next job a little more carefully, huh? I’m just so worried I’ll get fired soon and then who knows what’ll happen. SMALL UPDATE: I wrote out this letter over the course of several days, but this evening I looked at some articles about new jobs not working out and I realized something…why am I fretting over a job I hate? I know, sounds crazy, but I figured it something to mention. Sincerely, Overworked and Stressed out and lost and confused and (amazingly) calm and hopeful Anonymous P.S. Contrary to your advice in your last letter, I’m still hanging on to my old grocery store job for the moment. I’m just too scared to quit that one with the issues I’m having at my new job. P.S.S. Maybe quitting my teller job is the right thing to do. God forbid what would happen if I was faced with a robbery. P.S.S.S. Get well soon Papa Bear! * * * Dear Anonymous, I recall your last letter, but for the life of me can’t seem to locate it on my website, hmmm. Anyway, at the time you had just gotten the bank job and were stressed from working that job and the grocery store job, so I advised you to quit the grocery store so that you wouldn’t get exhausted and possibly compromise your health. You are still working that job. Is it at all possible that you are having trouble concentrating on the finer points of banking because you are tired? Just a thought, but if you DID quit the grocery store and got more rest, perhaps you’d be able to think more clearly and not make so many mistakes at the bank. I know that when THIS bear gets tired, it is very difficult for him to think clearly; he also gets grumpy and sometimes overly emotional. Check out this link from WebMD http://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/excessive-sleepiness-10/10-results-sleep-loss about all the bad stuff that happens to our bodies when we don’t get enough sleep. It includes symptoms you are experiencing right now, from forgetfulness to depression. If you are not getting 8-9 hours of restful sleep a night, this could be your problem. So, that is one possibility. The other could be just what you said: that you just aren’t a banker at heart and don’t like the job, period. Voice acting is your dream. That’s swell. Everyone should have a dream, but you must realize that being a voice actor is not easier than being a movie or stage actor. It is very competitive and only the very best survive in the field. It’s not enough to have talent, either. You must have a lot of drive, ambition, and business sense. Here is a good article on the challenges of voice acting from someone in the field: http://iwanttobeavoiceactor.com/get-ready/. I’m not posting that to discourage you, but, rather, just to make sure you’re grounded and realize the tough road ahead of you should you choose voice acting as a career. There are many opportunities in the field, from cartoons to commercials to video games to business videos and on and on. Many people DO make a career of it, so I’m not saying it isn’t possible. If you wish to make this career change, go about it carefully and with great planning. I still say that, for the above reason, you should quit the grocery store job. You have a full-time job and income shouldn’t be the issue; you are just clinging to the store job out of fear. What you need is not fear, but more rest. It would also be helpful to combine more rest with regular exercise and a healthy diet, both of which will also help you rest. And make sure that when you go to bed you rest your head in a quiet, dark, comfortable place to assist with a more sound sleep. After you quit the grocery store (pardons for assuming), go to your supervisor and tell her that you feel you were having trouble in the job because you were working that second job and not getting enough rest. Tell her (even if it’s not completely truthful), that you wish to do well on this job and would like her suggestions on how to improve and do better with the finer points of banking and government regulations. While you are doing this, continue with your voice acting lessons and try to find work in voice acting without quitting your full-time job (full-time jobs are hard to come by and shouldn’t be lightly dismissed). Should the time come when you are making regular money at voice acting, then quit the regular job. Another thing you can do is look for another full-time job in another field besides banking. But I advise you strongly not to quit your regular work before having a solid income source from an alternative job. I hope you will listen to Papabear this time. I think a big part of your problem is that you didn’t listen to his advice in the previous letter. And don’t be afraid! Everything will be okay in the end, and, if it is not okay, then it is not the end. :-) Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
I... I need help. I don't know what to do anymore. I have a friend which I know for the longest time.. 8 years to be precise... We've been best friends since I've know it... The first time we talked was at a furry forum. Since then we've been together in everything... And during one point of our friendship... We used to date. I had dated others before, long-term relations of course but... With the others was always a certain feeling of empathy... Not true love. But with this friend of mine... Was genuine love. We didn't dated because we felt sorry for one another... We dated because we really liked each other.. And... We ended up breaking up... I can't remember the reason, I think my brain locked that memory but still... I entered the worst depression of my life.... I thought that the only way for that to end was to stop talking with him.... But that didn't helped... At all. So a few months later I decided to talk with him again... Perhaps ask for a second chance but... He was already dating someone else... I didn't even told him about what was on my mind. I just faked a smile and congratulated him. I couldn't deal with that. I just couldn't... So I stopped talking with him again... A few years later I was dating someone else and I thought that I had finally gotten over it but... I never forgot him... I tried to talk with him again but this time I thought that maybe if I was his pet it would be better.. You know, it is some kind of relationship after all right? Wrong... It wasn't the same... I just knew it... It would never be the same thing as it was when we were dating... It just wouldn't.... I couldn't do it... I just couldn't... So I stopped talking with him yet again... Last year... I went back to talking with him... Because I needed to leave the state I was living in because of some shit and we, as friends formulated a plan together for me to flee my state and to the one he lives at... Last month that plan was set to motion... And all that I could think about was that I was gonna have another shot.. Another chance to make that happen... I maybe could have you know... Have a chance of being his boyfriend again... But.... When I arrived... I found out that he already had someone else... I know, I had said that already but at the time as far I knew it he was single... And when I saw him with his date... I just crashed... We still hang out, chat, but... I can't help it... Every time I see him with his date... All I can think about is that I wanted to be there.... I wanted to be in his arms... I wanted to be kissing him... I wanted to be making love with him... And everyday I am in the same state... Crying... Depressed... Because of that... Even more because now he's so close... And yet I can't have him... I don't know what to do... I need your help...Please.... What do I do... What? Darendaugh Rilimech (age 21, Brazil) * * * Dear Darendaugh, Before you even consider trying to get back together with this love interest of yours, you need to work on yourself. Looking at it from the other guy’s perspective (let’s call him “B” for convenience’s sake), you have broken up with B no less than three times, and then tried to get back together (now working on your fourth time). Key here is the first break up. Papabear’s instincts are shouting at him that you actually DO know the reason you broke up the first time, but won’t admit it, will you? Probably because you know it was you who was to blame. Someone that important in your life and a breakup that hurt that much? You don’t forget things like that. Step one: confess to yourself the real reason you broke up the first time. Only then can you start to figure out how to repair the relationship. What followed that first breakup was a string of events where you go back to him, then break it off and don’t talk to him, and then go back to him again. Each time, it seems, you are the one withdrawing, not him. Can you see what this might look like to B? If I were B, I would think you were a really high-maintenance friend. Yet, even after you broke it off with B repeatedly, he offered to help you when you had to move, and now he is facing your drama again. There’s a phrase we sometimes use in America, and please pardon me for saying it. I do this as a wake-up call to you and with love in my heart.... Get your head out of your ass. Translation: stop thinking only of yourself and your own romantic needs, and start observing more what is going on around you and how you are affecting others. Love, my friend, is not a selfish pursuit. True love is giving and selfless. Everything I read in your letter is about me, me, me. Your wants, your needs. Only when you resolve to live for others and to give of yourself through love will you find happiness again. Wishing You Love, Papabear Papabear,
I don’t know why but I am attracted to animals mainly the feral and anthro canine species with the correct anatomy. I have come to terms with it but I don’t have anyone in real life to interact with and the few that I do only one I can really talk with is taken so is not really willing to talk all that much about it. The only people I find are online and a few in real life and I’m not with them. I am so tried to being alone. I know there are other people out there. its just I give my all to people cause that is just me. I tend not to hold back and be a true friend I will not turn my back on someone I stand there are and be there for them through thick and thin cause that is what friends are for not just a trophy to discard when things get tough. I just don’t know what to do anymore I am breaking down the walls I put up but as the saying goes its a rough world out there and no one is going to make it easy. If you have read this through I thank you for your time. Anonymous * * * Dear Furiend, Okay, what I think you’re saying here is that you are having a hard time finding other people who are attracted to feral animals the same way you are. Because of this, you feel alone and can’t find a mate. I think the problem here is that you are limiting yourself too much. When seeking a partner in life, you shouldn’t be so one-dimensional. There is more to you than your sexual proclivities, just as, I would hope, there is more to other people than just this one aspect. I’ve had similar letters from furries in which the person writing is frustrated because they can’t find a furry partner. I suggest to them that they broaden their sights a bit. My mate, Yogi, for example, is not a furry, but he is fur-friendly. Try not to look at yourself in such a narrow way. Traditionally, when people asked others who they are, they might say, “I’m a lawyer” or “I’m a businessman” and so on. Americans often identify themselves by their occupations. If you were to ask me, I might give you a laundry list: “I’m an editor, writer, furry, gay man, bear, lover, mate, amateur philosopher, artistic soul, advice columnist.... but, most importantly, human being.” My advice to you would be to stop obsessing about the fact that you like feral animals. When you interact with people, try to see the whole picture. Instead of meeting someone and hoping they share your sexual preferences, use a different measuring stick: Are they kind? Thoughtful? Fun to be around? Generous of spirit? Loving? These things are more important than a sexual desire that is routed only in fantasy, anyway. Perhaps, too, you can find someone who has their own sexual quirk and then you can have fun indulging each other in alternating role play. While it is important to have some things in common with your partner, it makes for a more interesting relationship, too, if you don’t share everything in common. Let this interest of yours be one of those things and, when seeking a partner in life, make your top priority a person with a good heart. Good luck! Papabear Hello, Papa Bear!
I've wrote to you before and you helped me with a previous issue. It was a trivial one but now that I have your insight on it, I feel much better, thank you! This time, the issue is a bit more larger. It's about an online 'friend' I have. We'll call her 'Ally'. I really don't know if she's a friend or not, but allow me to explain the situation. You see, I met Ally about 3.5 years ago, from a friend on DeviantArt. When she first video chatted me, she was alright. She used to talk about daily things and the like. But then came drama and most of the time, she'd use me as an emotional cushion. She'd never want to be alone, and she was really depressed. Me being the overly nice person I am, I stayed with her, and this continued about once every two weeks for a about two and a half years. We used to talk about dumb stuff sometimes, and there were moments where we did genuinely laugh, but sometimes she would be on video stoned or crying or smoking or drunk. She'd pour out her drama and I'd sit there and nod and say stupid things to try and cheer her up. I don't know why I tolerated it. I guess I felt bad for her because I thought she was really emotional and suicidal. She used to manipulate me into calling her. I know I was being manipulated but... I couldn't help myself. I felt really bad for her. There was a half-year I got a break from video chatting her once a week. We still kept in contact through text. We occasionally video chatted when I had a good enough internet or privacy. During this time, she managed to find a boyfriend, she moved out of her house that was causing her drama, and she's living pretty happily. Now the problem is... I just don't want to talk to her nowadays. I've become bored with her. She's happier than before, but she'll occasionally (once a month) get on video chat stoned or drunk, or she'll stick me on the phone with her boyfriend or other members of the house I really don't want to talk to. I remember saying: "I don't really want to talk to anyone else right now." and she still made me meet them. Although, perhaps I didn't say it with enough conviction as I should have. She's a very loyal and morally ground person, really. She just doesn't like being alone sometimes. She has her housemate, who she's really good friends with. I feel that I'm just there for her own entertainment sometimes. I've made friends in a game development chat I really like talking too. I can talk to them about dumb and deep stuff. Artist things, video games, life at school... heck, I just finished a four hour chat with one of them, and I enjoyed it! I can't handle more than 30 minutes with Ally. It's been bugging me: I feel that I'm in too deep with her because she thinks we've been friends for 3.5 years. I force myself to sit there and nod while she tells her housemate how she and I were buddies. I don't consider her much as a friend. Just... I don't know, an acquaintance. Someone who somehow forced their way into my life. I can tolerate her for 30 minutes tops, and during that time, we can have some decent conversation. I feel I've gone in too deep with her. Her friend's kid started calling me 'Uncle'. And she's really set on having me come visit her when if I go to graduate school in the USA. I can not handle that. I will not handle that. >.< And... I don't know, Papa Bear. She's not clingy: I can tell her nowadays that I don't feel like talking and she'll accept it. She'll sometimes say stuff like: "*Whines* Pleeease?" But she's not clingy and as manipulative anymore and she won't force me into a chat. I just choose to entertain her because again... I feel bad. However, I just want to remove her from my contacts list. I've done it with so many other people, but with her, I've video chatted her and I've been there for the bad times in her life. I've been reading these little “Thought Catalog” friendship blogs and sometimes I think I'm just a crappy friend. Sometimes I think that I should give her a chance. Sometimes I just want to remove her from Skype without telling her a thing. I'm very confused and this is troubling me. Not to the point where it's distracting my work and general life, but every time I go online, she's there, waiting to talk. I don't want to talk to Ally, even though she's a good, happy person now who had some rough luck in the past. So after all this, what do you think, Papa? Should I tell her I'm moving on? I'm growing as a person and I've made new friends? Should I just write her a really long and emotional paragraph and remove her through Skype text? The one other thing stopping me removing Ally is that I know she's really emotional. I know she'll get depressed again if I leave her because she's had quite a few close people leave her in the past, during her seemingly endless bad weeks. Even the thought of saying: "Look Ally, I think we need to talk..." gives me the chills because I'm afraid she'll get this hurt look and... gah. What to do, what to do? >.< Your advice on this matter is greatly appreciated. Hugs, Kilik * * * Dear Kilik, This reminds me a little of a situation I had with a former friend in high school. I met him during my brief life in Illinois, where I attended a high school in the Chicago suburb of Wheaton for a year. I didn’t have many friends at all at the time (having just been uprooted from my childhood home of Van Nuys and making a tough transition), and this fellow (I’ll call him Ted) made an effort to be friends with me, which was nice and I appreciated it. My family then moved again (to Michigan) and I lost touch with Ted. Fast forward about 30 years and he contacted me on Facebook. Ted was quite friendly, had married, and had become, well, very Christian, shall we say. Other than that year in Wheaton, we really didn’t have a thing in common and I wasn’t all that interested in his friendship. It’s not that I thought he was a bad person or even that I didn’t like him (he’s likeable enough), it’s just that I felt no sense of closeness to him, none at all, and, well, I found him boring. So, basically, when he contacted me I politely said hello, but made no effort to chat with him and he eventually got the message, I believe. I have said in this column a number of times that true friendships are priceless and one should not dismiss them lightly, so perhaps this sounds a bit contradictory, but it really isn’t. A friend should be someone with whom you have some things in common (hobbies, work, world views) and to whom you can relate. You are under no obligation to be someone’s friend just because they want to be your friend if you really don’t feel like you have much in common. A friend is someone who enhances your quality of life, not someone who feels like a burden, an obligation because you somehow feel guilty that you actually want to dismiss him or her from your life. I, like you, used to be a sucker for the whiny plea for acceptance, too, but I’m over that now. I’ll give you another, more recent, example from my life. I run the Greymuzzle group on Facebook (along with Critter Otter). To become a member, we have a couple guidelines that are simple, but strict: 1) you must be a furry, of course, and 2) you must be at least 30 years old (or else it wouldn’t be a Greymuzzle group). And, of course, you can’t be a jerk. So, anyway, I screen the people who want to be members and the other day someone asked to be a member, so I checked out his profile and it said he was 21. I wrote back to him and said, sorry, but you have to be at least 30. He wrote back and said he was 32 and his fursona was 21 and that was because he wanted to be young again. I then wrote to him that I wasn’t comfortable with people who lie on their profiles and, anyway, if he’s obsessed with being young he really didn’t fit in with a group of furries who were celebrating the fact that they were older, more mature furries. Then I got the whiny “pretty pleeeeeeze” like he was a baby. Nope, doesn’t wash with me, not impressed. So, you see, even though he technically fit the profile, he wasn’t right for the group and so the judgment call—about which I have no qualms—was appropriate. Your letter is riddled with words and phrases that leave no doubt that you don’t wish to be friends with Ally; she just doesn’t fit into your life, your personality. So, do you “write her a really long and emotional paragraph”? Of course not. That just evokes a lot of silly, unneeded drama. You indicate her life has improved a lot, so, not to burst your self-esteem at all, but you might be giving the value of your friendship a bit more weight than it truly carries. I’m sure Ally will survive if you decide to break it off. Unlike making friends, dropping friends is incredibly simple and can be done with class. You don’t have to be a drama queen about it; you don’t have to explain yourself; most importantly, you don’t have to be mean. Simply be disinterested, which is honest. You don’t have to block her, or even bother to unfriend her. Gradually reduce the number of times the two of you are in contact. On those occasions you do chat, reduce the amount of time you talk. Keep doing this until, eventually, contact is reduced to almost nothing or stops completely. Now, at some point, she might contact you and ask if there is something wrong. To this, you say, “No, nothing’s wrong and I’m not mad at you.” If she presses, say, “Ally, I just think that what we had has kind of run it’s course. We really don’t have much in common. This has nothing to do with you; you’re a good person. It’s about me and my interests and life goals.” Do not feel guilty about this! You are not being a mean or bad person. This is just a matter of two people who don’t click together. Neither one of you is to blame. It’s okay to weed out some clunker friends from your life and then, hopefully, find others who fit into your life better. Hope that helps. Stay furry! Papabear Hi,
You might remember me about that fursona which I fell in love with. Well I got out of that; it really helped me :). But I'm here with something else now :/ So my past was like no one would want it: family drama, dad badly depressed and addicted to alcohol, almost losing your mom cuz she was really sick. About my dad and what happened around that topic was an extremely hard time for me, and my sis, and my mom, but we still suffer from it—at least, I do. I have an anxiety disorder. More specifically, being scared of things that could or might happen, doesn't matter if they are possible or not, and panicking for going to somewhere. I got a boyfriend 9 months ago; he's still mine, but in the meantime there happened bad things to him that hurt me, too, but I’m still there to support him, which I always did, even though he lives 700 kilometers away from me over the sea. So all these bad things together made me pretty depressed at some point, and I still am. I have a trauma from what has already happened at home—nothing bad, but just horrible and terrifying arguments between Mom and drunk Dad. I often thought he was going to kill my mom because I was scared and so. Now my actual question goes about finally living together with my bf after all, but because of what has happened, I'm scared my bf will be like this as well after all. I'm scared my future will be as like my past :'( and I don't know if it would be better to break up or not, because of my anxiety my future will be the same as my past :( And what I am stuck with is if I would break up with him or not, should I ignore my fear and go for it even if where I am scared of will be true, or will it be better to break up, although I'm sure I'll have this fear for living together with any guy that would be my bf. I think it doesn't make a difference if I break up or not, but I'm so doubtful :( and at school they all find me weird because I have ADHD and due to my anxiety disorder I’m not allowed to have medication for ADHD, because it would make everything worse than it is now except for being calmer. But should I stay with my bf folfy or not? Bluefluffy Fusky (age 17, Belgium) * * * Dear Bluefluffy, I am sorry for your troubles with your family and your struggles with anxiety and ADHD. That’s a lot on your plate for a little furry. My sympathies. You mention that you are not allowed medication for ADHD because of your anxiety disorder, so that must mean you have sought treatment for one or both of those conditions. That’s good, but it doesn’t sound like the help you have received thus far has been sufficient. It is not uncommon for people to have both ADHD and anxiety disorder at the same time. In fact, about 40% of those who have one also have the other. In a way, they are related and can feed off each other. Being anxious can, for example, cause you to lose focus or be hyperactive, and being hyper can cause you to do things like forget to do something and that can lead to more anxiety. Now, as mentioned, you were considering medicine for the ADHD. The type of medicine often prescribed involves stimulants, which work well on ADHD but can make the anxiety worse. So, first suggestion would be to ask your doctor about non-stimulant medications to treat ADHD. They might not be effective, but they sometimes are and are worth a shot. Combine the non-stimulant for the ADHD with what a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) for treating your anxiety disorder. Again, these are things you need to talk to your doctor about. The other factor here is your environment. Clearly this is causing stress, making you more anxious, so you would be a lot better off if either: a) the situation at home resolved itself, or b) you left that environment and found a place to live that was much calmer. Regarding the first option, has your father sought help for his alcoholism and depression? If not, there are places he can go for help. For example, Alcoholics Anonymous has chapters in Belgium, and, although I don’t know much about your country, I would be willing to bet there are other organizations he can get help from, too, for both alcoholism and depression. Do you belong to a church or temple? You can get help there for your father, as well. It sounds as though you and your mother and sister are afraid of your father; that’s not good at all, but if you form a united front, perhaps you can get him help. And perhaps you can get other family and friends on your side. This man is destroying your family, and it needs to stop. Should Dad get treatment and get over his depressions, I guarantee that would go a million miles toward making your life happier. You would definitely see it lessen your anxiety, and that, in turn, could improve your ADHD situation. But let’s move on to you and your boyfriend. He lives 700 km (435 miles) “over the sea,” so I take it he lives in the UK somewhere. You’re afraid that if you move in with your boyfriend, you’ll end up just like your mother and father? You really have told me very little about your bf. Is he an alcoholic? Is he abusive? Somehow, I believe if he were either you would not be interested in him. Have you taken on any characteristics of your father? If not, then probably the only reason you fear this repetition of history is because you have anxiety disorder and you pretty much are afraid of everything. And, yes, you are right that if you looked for another boyfriend you would have the same fears popping up again. Bigger questions: do you love him? Does he love you? Have you met yet in person? Important questions to address before one takes the “should I leave him?” query on. Bluefluffy, I can’t tell you whether or not to leave your boyfriend, but I can tell you that you need to do a lot more leg work before making a decision on this. Currently, you’re trying to solve an equation when all you have is variables; you need to plug in some numbers before the solution will be calculable. You need to, first of all, get yourself more help for your disorders, which, as far as I can tell, have not been sufficiently addressed; you need to see what, if anything, can be done to help your father; and, seriously, you need to know your boyfriend a lot better before you decide one way or another on staying with him (ideally, if at all possible, take a trip and spend some time with him in person). Please consider the above, then get back to me if you have more questions. Hugs, Papabear |
Categories
All
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
|