(Furry Book Update: I have finished writing the California book and, as of this week, am finally writing the furry book!)
Latest Letter (August 24, 2016)
First, I just wanted to say that I love to read your blog. You give very good advice. That is why I am writing to you.
You see, recently I started to have a very weird fear that I cannot help but think about. I often imagine that I meet a girl that I like a lot ( I have never been in a relationship) She likes me too and we start dating. We're really in love and she asks me if I want to have sex with her. So far, it's okay. I'm a pretty shy guy and sex scares me a lot, but I really love her and I know I'm ready. I ask what she's into and she says that she likes to get dominated. I freeze. You see, when I was a kid, I watched on television a documentary about U.N. peacekeepers and the shits they've seen in places like Bosnia or Rwanda. Pictures of muslim or tutsi women been raped or tortured come to my mind.
Sure, we wouldn't go in BDSM for the first time together , expecially if it's my/ her/ our first sexual experience, Let's say it's the third time.
There, I see two different scenarios. In the first one, I accept to go in her fantasy. After one or two minutes, I start crying. I see myself as a fucking monster. I just end it there and the evening is ruined.
In the other one, I do the mature thing and tell her that I don't feel comfortable with it. She reacts as a decent person and says it's okay. we go in the tame, vanilla sex I'm into. But I feel she's not very into it, that she wants something tougher. I feel selfish.
I know it's a stupid fear, but I cannot help but think about it. I have difficulties controlling my emotions and just thinking about it scares me even more from sex and love than usual. Every time I think about it, I watch some Hong-Kong gangster movie (google Heroic Bloodshed if you don't know what I'm talking about) and I wish I could just shoot it in the head. That I could just blow it away just like some Chow-Yun Fat. I'm too shy to talk about it with a counselor or with a friend.
I have two questions, but if you only answer to one, it's okay . First, what should I do to stop worrying about it, and two, if said situation was happening, what do you think should I do.
Lord-Ikari (age 18)
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There are many things in the world one might worry about that one doesn't need to add to them by being concerned about something that has not happened and very likely will never happen. My suspicion here is that your fear of sex is generating a fantasy in which you take this fear to extremes (for you) and create this fantasy where sex is about violent, dominant behaviors. Therefore, to cause this fearful fantasy to subside a dose of reality is in order.
You have not even met a girl yet, correct? Let's take this one step at a time, shall we? First, get a girlfriend. This should be someone compatible with your personality. Become friends with her, learn about her life and who she is. Then, if you two do fall in love and want to take it to the next level, chances are she will not be into BDSM (it's a minority of people who are). If she's not, then problem solved and no worries.
But even if she is, you should probably educate yourself about what BDSM actually is before you freak out about it. One thing it is NOT is something out of a movie. Here is a very nicely written article about what it is and what it isn't: www.buzzfeed.com/caseygueren/ultimate-guide-to-bdsm.
BDSM can go from fairly light to very hard and everything in between. And it is only one variant of many types of sexual fantasies people have (fursex being one of the many). Having these fantasies, it is important to remember, does NOT mean that a person is unstable or twisted. People into BDSM and other things are almost always seen as "normal" (whatever that is) outside the bedroom. They have jobs, families, etc. just like everyone else. Indeed, the number of people who have "normal" sex is far and away in the minority in this world.
So, to answer your first question, it is really a waste of time and energy to worry about something that likely will never happen; secondly, learn about what BDSM really is before you freak out about it. As with any partnership, couples should discuss their sexual preferences (what they enjoy and what they don't like) openly with each other so that they can have a more enjoyable experience. It's a give-and-take situation: your partner should also be willing to try and please you in return, and if one or the other of you has something they will definitely not do, then that should be made known and the partner should not insist upon it. Finally, if, after trying as hard as possible, you simply are not compatible in bed, then that is something to seriously consider before continuing on with the relationship. And that should answer your second question.
I'm glad you are getting therapy, hon. You seem to be suffering from some kind of anxiety disorder. You are consequently making the prospect of sex much more nerve-wracking than it needs to be. Discuss this with your therapist and hopefully they can help.
COMING IN 2016!
THE FURRY BOOK
(Cover art by Charleston Rat)
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