(Latest letter, September 18, 2014)
(Note to readers: this letter is pretty racy—a là Dr. Ruth Westheimer--and I would not advise younger readers to continue)
How can I get a grip on my sexuality?
Since I was a teenager, I have been looking at porn to let out my sexual frustrations. While I have heard about studies that talk about how porn can impact sexual growth, I have a problem that might have come from it.
One, I dont find anyone attractive. While I might be overthinking what being attracted to someone is, I have never had that, "I want to f*** you" impulse with anyone I have run across.
I guess it could mean I am asexual, but I dont know since I still get turn on by porn. But I still feel like I have to force myself to be turned on when the actors look too made up or characters in it are drawn weirdly.
Thanks for the help.
Snowcanine (age 22)
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This is an excellent and relevant question in our Internet era, and I thank you for posing it. Cutting to the chase, no, I don’t think you are asexual. Your problem is simply that you watch too much porn.
One can compare pornography to drug use. As with a drug like crack cocaine, it stimulates the pleasure centers of the brain. After using crack for a long time, users notice that each hit has less of a result. They try using more of it, but eventually the brain becomes desensitized to this stimulation, and even though you are addicted to the drug, it doesn’t have the same impact.
The same goes for pornography. And here comes your timeliness, Snowcaine. The Journal of the American Medical Association Psychiatry published a study in the July 2014 issue in which it was shown that men who watch more than 4 hours a week of porn have less brain activity in the area associated with sexual stimulation than men who watch little or no porn. These are men, like you, who are in the prime of life. Many of them—about half—lose interest in having sex with real sexual partners. They find that the only way they can still get aroused is by viewing Internet porn.
The other issue besides duration is content. Online porn—and most especially furry online porn—raises expectations of sex to the most unrealistic highs ever. Pictures and animations of incredible fantasy creatures with huge sexual organs who are able to eject copious amounts of semen that could drown a horse overstimulate the mind. Then, when you get into bed with an actual human being, you’re like, “Why aren’t your breasts the size of weather balloons?” or “Why isn’t your penis bigger than your torso?” You get disappointed and, therefore, unaroused.
My first suggestion to you, then, is to ease off the porn. Keep it down to, say, an hour a week.
The other thing you can do is try to bring up the level of eroticism in real life. Is your real-world sexual activity pretty vanilla? There are all sorts of things you can do regarding role play. Of course, there is the furry practice of fursuit sex, for one. You can try toys, faux bondage (e.g., fake fur-lined handcuffs), electrical stimulation devices (vibrators, wands, e-stim kits), experiment with lotions and oils (keep them very warm; cold lotion is not as fun), edible costumes, body paint, slings, rim seats, the works (one thing about the sexual accessory industry is they pretty much have everything and anything you can think of). Don’t forget to pay attention to all of your senses. Internet porn can stimulate your visual and auditory senses, but it does nothing for smell, touch, and, yes, taste (try flavored lubes, whipped cream, etc).
Use your imagination. Role play. When you get your real-life game to the same creative level as the online porn, your problem will be solved.
Illustrations on "Ask Papabear" are by Dan the Bear. Check out this talented illustrator on FurAffinity or send him an email.