(Latest letter, September 29, 2014)
I have recently found myself in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend of 2 years, as I have moved to attend college in another country.
Sometime before we started dating, I had been dating a girl for 2 months and felt very strongly sexually attracted towards women. I had a massive crush on another girl in my classes throughout high school,too.
Now that I've moved away from my boyfriend for college, I have become more aware of my sexual attraction for girls. To be honest, the thought of sleeping with any other guy besides my boyfriend turns me off immediately, but I find myself staring at certain parts of my new female friends at college with alarming frequency. I occasionally watch lesbian porn, and fantasize about me touching and rubbing other girls.
I do love and care very deeply for my partner and very much enjoy our time together. I enjoy sex with him as well as the emotional side of the relationship. I have no desire to break up with my boyfriend. That being said, I feel as though I want to explore this deep-rooted attraction to girls without compromising the great relationship I've got going on. I'm really not keen on the idea of “opening up” the relationship, for a variety of health issues and because I wouldn't feel comfortable being touched by anyone aside from my partner, who has always expressed sadness at the idea of anyone else interacting with me sexually besides him.
What's a girl to do, Papabear?
The Big Bad Wolf (age 19)
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Dear Big Bad Wolf,
Are you familiar with the expression “you can’t have your cake and eat it too”? That’s essentially what is going on here. You love your boyfriend and enjoy sex with him, yet you want to have sex with women, too. Yet, you state you aren’t “keen” on having an open relationship, and your boyfriend has also expressed that he doesn’t want you having sex with anyone but him.
I suspect that you are writing me because you’re hoping I can offer you a creative solution to have your boyfriend and explore sex with women, as well. But I’m not going to do that.
Hon, you have a boyfriend whom you love and with whom you have a satisfying sexual relationship. Do you know how many letters Papabear gets from people praying every day that they were in your shoes? Why would you give up something like that for a meaningless fling with some girls you don’t even care about? I understand that sexual urges are powerful, but take a moment to think this through.
One of the myths about bisexuals is that they are incapable of having a monogamous relationship because nobody can have monogamy with two genders at the same time. That’s really poppycock. Bisexuals can be monogamous, just like anyone else.
Let’s take a moment to imagine this scenario: you decide that you want to fool around with some women at your college that you’ve met, or, perhaps, you went online and found someone. You have sex, you have your orgasm(s), and you know what follows? A very empty feeling, because you’ve had sex with someone you really don’t care about; it was just sex. Meanwhile, even if your boyfriend never finds out about what you did, you can’t hide from the guilt you feel. It eats inside you and you start getting terse with your boyfriend. You’re not really sure why, but it’s because your guilt is turning into anger that expresses itself inappropriately. This is the sort of thing that will destroy what was once a beautiful relationship.
Please allow Papabear to save you the trouble of the 30 years it took him to figure all this out above and beyond the age you are now. If you really, truly love your boyfriend, and neither of you are okay with an open relationship, then try to put aside your urges. The first step to doing this is simple: stop watching lesbian (or any other) porn. Period. Stop exposing yourself to things that will turn you on to people other than your boyfriend. If you wish to keep him, that’s what you’re going to have to do. This is going to be very hard for you because you’re in a long-distance relationship. I hope it’s not for too long a time.
The second thing to do is to communicate with your boyfriend every day. Fortunately, thanks to the modern electronic age, you can do so by phone, email, or video chat (the best). Keep him in your thoughts each day and remind yourself why you love him every day. You can even have a virtual date: have dinner together while you video chat on Skype of whatever software you use; watch the same movie; talk about your day.
Third, focus on your schooling and other nonsexual activities (hobbies, clubs, etc.) Life isn’t all about sex, and at your age it should be a time to explore the infinite opportunities that are available to you intellectually and spiritually, as well.
If you really can’t imagine yourself doing this, then you’ll need to take a long, hard look at yourself and decide what you really want. You’re very young, and maybe it’s too early for you to have a committed relationship. No shame in that, but if that’s your conclusion, then you need to be fair to your boyfriend and break it off now. But, if you see yourself with this fellow forever and ever, please try what I suggest above.
Illustrations on "Ask Papabear" are by Dan the Bear. Check out this talented illustrator on FurAffinity or send him an email.