Hello, Papabear:
I will graduate with my 2nd A.S. degree this spring. After 8 years total of going to CCollege, I am mentally exhausted. Everyone has been asking me, "Are you going to transfer and get a bachelor's degree?" I wish I could, but tbh I am exhausted. Seven years of school and I leave with insecurities that I am not smart enough for UNI. I mean, 3 more years would be a commitment! I have always had other interests such as in science and foreign languages. I have always wanted to learn about chemistry and learn a third language. How can I learn these two subjects for fun on my own and feel confident about it? I know I'll never be a chemist or science major, plus you don't need to go to university to learn a third language, anyways. Thanks! EmmyLovesFurries (age 26) * * * Dear EmmyLovesFurries, Thanks for your questions. Let's start with the foreign language question. It's wonderful to learn other languages, especially if you have a gift for it. I studied German for seven years, French for two, and Spanish for one, and I can tell you, I don't have much of a talent for it. But, honestly, here's why I struggled: high schools and colleges teach language wrong. Endless vocabulary list memorization and grammar instruction is a mechanical, unhelpful way to learn. You know who teaches languages right? The U.S. military. What they do is throw you into an environment where you are only allowed to speak in the language you are learning. This total immersion in a new language is highly effective. The other way to do it is to move (or travel for an extended time) to a country that speaks the language in which you have an interest. One of my biggest regrets in life was when my German professor urged me to study in Germany for a while to really get comfortable with the language, but I was honestly too afraid to do that by myself and I turned down the opportunity. Now, living where I do (America is one of the most culturally isolated countries in the world because of its geography and poor public education system) my German is terribly rusty. I envy Europeans because they are constantly exposed to languages, and going to a foreign land is like traveling to another state in the U.S.--easier, too, because they have a good train system.... But I digress. If I had the time to beef up my language skills, here is what I would do: go online to a website such as Babbel or Pimsleur (Rosetta Stone is also good, but rather expensive). These programs teach you conversational, colloquial language and use tried-and-true methods such as repetition. Some programs like Babbel even connect you to volunteer native speakers for practice, which is quite wonderful. Another way to approach this is to learn as a child would: that is, pick up some primer reading books in the language you want, read comic books, watch cartoons in that language. (You can watch Sesame Street in Spanish and many other languages!) You are correct that you don't have to go to uni to learn a language and, as noted above, that is probably the worst way to do it unless you're studying a dead language such as Latin or ancient Greek. Let's move on to chemistry and other sciences. I personally have an interest in history, but I didn't enjoy history in high school. In fact, I hated it because it was all about rote memorization of dates and places, kings and queens, famous battles, etc. Snore. No, I am much more interested in cultural history. How people lived centuries ago; how nations developed, thrived, and fell; what their architecture was like; how they dressed and ate and worked and had fun. You know, in school back in the 1970s (not sure about now), when they taught history it was either American history or European and British history. Never learned squat about Asia or Africa or South America, and these places are fascinating! The history of China goes back 6,000 years! And now I'm learning of discoveries in advanced architecture going back 12,000 years to places like Gobekli Tepe, or about the amazing technology that the Romans possessed. The same is true about science. I love learning about physics and astronomy, but also about advances in technology, environmental sciences, and wildlife (I used to be a zoo docent). The point is, if you have an interest in a subject, you don't have to go to school to learn about it. There are all kinds of amateurs out there gobbling up books on various topics and becoming quite the experts. Really, the only reason to go to university is if you want a job in your particular field, in which case your employer will want to see your college diploma. But if you just want to learn, there are nearly countless resources online, ranging from science magazine websites to YouTube videos to virtual lecture halls. Learning is a joy. You should learn all your life. There is so much to learn that you will never come to the end of it. College is for getting a job. So, the question for you is not what you want to learn but what you want to do for employment. Once you figure out what you want to do for a job (it doesn't matter what, as long as you're okay doing it and it gives you enough money to pay the bills), decide what you need to do in order to obtain that job (whether it is school or some kind of apprenticeship or learning how to make YouTube videos for money) and go for it. Then, you can learn as much about sciences and languages on the side as you want. Good Luck! Papabear
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Dear Papabear,
I have been thinking about learning quadrobics for a while [Papabear notes: "quadrobics" is the physical activity of running and other performaces while on all fours; it is typically a therian behavior, although some regular furries indulge as well]. I've always been more connected to my animals and fursona than I have been to my human self. I want to learn and be able to do it in school hallways, but I'm not sure how others will respond. Can you help me find a way to express my animalistic side to my peers? Hazel (age 14) * * * Dear Hazel, Unless you want to set yourself up for being mocked and hated, I would urge you to not try to "express" your "animalistic side" to the general public, whether at school or elsewhere, especially in a state like Texas, which is very conservative (this is a state where a student recently got expelled for growing their hair too long even though they kept it tied up and off her face during school, so imagine how they'd react to therian behavior). Such behavior in a school would likely not be tolerated by school officials. So, just don't. DON'T. DO. IT. And, anyway, why would you want to? My first guess would be that, like so many people, you wish to be recognized as different and special, to get attention and, maybe, even adoration for your skills. We all like to feel special and to get attention, but believe me, please, you would only be setting yourself up for attacks and hate from people who don't understand furries or therians. There is a time and a place for everything. School is not a place to act like a furry (or therian or otherkin, for that matter). American schools are where citizens get trained to conform, to be good cogs in the capitalist machinery. The social environment of the hallways, playgrounds, and classrooms of a school (in America, at least, but I'm sure in other countries as well) are a horror show of one-upmanship, cliques, posturing, bullying, teasing, and even physical violence against anyone who is different or seen as weak or weird. What IS the place for wearing fursuit gear or practicing quadrobics? Anywhere you can get together with people who have similar interests is great, but if you can't do that, I would suggest you practice your quadrobics in private places, such as in the woods (if available), at your home, or in other secluded places (as long as you feel safe there). So, stop this notion at once that you somehow need to show your animal side to your peers unless you enjoy getting beaten up, made fun of, or being seen as a social outcast (the kind of person you see eating alone during lunch hour and getting tripped in the hallways). Is that a harsh response by Papabear? I suppose, sadly, it is, but, Hazel, this is the world we live in. This is why people like you and me enter the furry fandom so that we can be among our true peers who will accept and love who we are. Hugs, Papabear A giant of the furry fandom passed away last night at his home in Garden Grove, California. Sy Sable (Mark Merlino) died with his husband, Rod O'Riley, by his side after battling Stage IV liver cancer that also led to his having a stroke. It is impossible to exaggerate the importance of Mark's role in the fandom. Along with another late giant, Fred Patten (1940-2018), he founded the Cartoon/Fantasy Organization in 1977. The C/FO was primarily interested in bringing Japanese anime to America, but it also can be viewed as the precursor of the furry fandom because the Los Angeles chapter of the C/FO was the birthplace of furry. In 1982, he created Tiger's Den, the first BBS dedicated to furry. Next, he cofounded the first furry convention, Confurence, which had its first gathering in 1989 in Costa Mesa, California. When Confurence shut its doors in 2003, Mark started Califur the next year, which ran until 2018. Finally, Mark and Rod created the first and oldest furmeet in the world: The Prancing Skiltaire house party, which was based out of their home. When he wasn't working on conferences, Mark traveled to other conventions, giving talks about furry movies, TV, and the fandom in general. I am so fortunate that I was able to meet Mark on several occasions. It was at the Prancing Skiltaire in 2008 that I encountered my first fursuiter in person, and although I was already a furry by then, I was hooked after that. My dear friend Bart Swaim, took me to that furmeet, and it was also at that time that I met another important furry, Bob Hill (d. 2018), the first fursuiter. Mark was a kind, knowledgeable, generous, and sweet man. His passing is a great loss to the fandom, and he will be missed. Dear Papabear:
I'm in school as of typing this so BEAR WITH ME if I don't make any sense, but if I were to make a fursuit head, would I have to wait to be older? I'm currently 15, and I'm not sure if my head would get bigger in size or not. I'm concerned about color schemes as well! I don't know much about color theory, so most of my fursonas stay uncolored in my notebook pages :,) Also, are there any furmeets that you know of near me? Sorry if this is asking a bit too much, but I don't know of many furries near me, especially ones that are trans :( Dove the Kittydog (age 15, Buffalo area, NY) * * * Dear Dove, I ask people who write to me to limit each letter to one question, so keep that in mind if you write again. But here we go with some answers: People's heads continue to grow through puberty and beyond a bit, usually being pretty well formed by the age of 18 to 20. However, bones keep shifting and fusing etc. even up to age 40 or so (also, cartilage such as in the nose and ears will grow pretty much until our deaths). However, these changes are pretty minor when it comes to fitting hats or fursuit heads, and by your age you should be fine. One thing you can do to make sure is to get the head made slightly larger than your head is now, and then you can add a bit of foam or other padding as needed. Here is a quick tutorial on that: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSoah9h59Mo. As for colors, go for whatever you like. This isn't art class where you get criticized for not knowing about color theory. What are your favorite colors? Hey, maybe add some metallic color or pastels or neon. Have fun with it! Nobody is going to get on your case if you think neon orange and gold foil look cool together. The fursuit is for you, not other people. Please yourself. Be true to yourself. As for furry groups, I would suggest you join the Buffalo & WNY Furs. They have a Facebook page here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/BuffaloFurs/ I hope that helps! Happy Fursuiting! Papabear Dear Papabear:
My 11-year-old brother has come out to me as a gay furry. I was pretty taken aback, I won’t lie, but I tried to be supportive/encouraging and thanked him for confiding in me. But I’m worried about his safety in the furry community, which I am completely unfamiliar with but concerned about since he is only 11 years old and has put his username as "boy kisser" on some furry website. I am worried about bad people within the community taking advantage of him. He’s at a vulnerable age and has unlimited internet access pretty much 24/7 and my parents don’t see that as an issue. I also don’t want to out him to them in case they make him feel alienated from his hobby and/or his sexuality. It’s not my job to parent him, but how do I talk to him about safety within the furry community? How do I talk to my parents to ensure they take his safety seriously whilst being understanding of his hobby? Kind Regards, Sera (age 21) * * * Dear Sera, You are a good sister. Although, yeah, you're not his mom, older siblings often work as surrogate parents. You are not obligated to be his parent, but you're doing great as an older sibling. Anyway, when it comes to supervision, that's on your parents. And it isn't just about the furry community. Being online in general--furry or not--can be dangerous for kids who are as young as your brother (or older, too, honestly). There are all kinds of criminal, unsavory, bullying, and harmful people out there. Yes, there are definitely some in the furry community (mostly, I believe, these are pedos and other nasties who aren't really furry but they infiltrate the community to prey on vulnerable innocent kids, often luring them with porn). I do recommend you talk to your parents, reminding them that unsupervised access to the internet leaves your brother vulnerable to predators, cyberbullies, and pedos (this is regardless of his being a furry and gay). Your parents are not alone in shirking their responsibilities in this area. As this PR Newswire story explains, about half of all American parents do not supervise their kids. That is a big mistake. Would your parents let your 11-year-old brother walk down a dark alley in a city with porn shops and adult video arcades? I doubt they would. The internet is the same thing. Make a wrong turn and you're in a dark place where you are in danger even though you're sitting at a desk, warm and comfy in your own home (see https://www.familyorbit.com/blog/the-risks-of-unsupervised-internet-access-for-kids-and-teens/). Some resources you can recommend for them include:
In summation, the important issue here is keeping your brother safe. I know you're worried about outing him as gay or a furry, but that is really secondary. Honestly, at 11 years old, your brother is still exploring who he is, so we shouldn't draw any conclusions about that. It is important that parents perform a balancing act between keeping their kids safe yet allowing them to grow as people and not restricting them so much that they feel like they are being punished or that their mom and dad don't like them. It's hard! Being a parent is hard! But they need to try their best. Finally, here is an editorial I wrote about the whole issue: https://www.askpapabear.com/letters/my-final-word-on-minors-in-the-fandom. Thank you for being a caring sister. Write again if you need to, and I promise I will respond more quickly now that I have recovered from the holidays. Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear:
Why is "cis" considered negative/would upset people? I've noticed that within some interactions between some people, the term "cis" is considered negative and that it would piss people off. I do not fully understand why, and I also find it a bit contradictory since the furry community is considered to be accepting. I do know that my definition of "accepting" may not align with everyone else's, as my definition is "regardless of background, creed, ethnicity, gender, and any other defining factors of a person, they are to be treated with respect and understood as another human being." Again, my definition may not align with others', and I wish to understand why "cis" is considered a negative thing and may upset people. Aryu (age 18) * * * Hi, Aryu, That is an excellent and highly germane question to ask in these tumultuous social order times, so thank you for your letter. Before I answer the question, a little background for readers because sometimes people think they know what a term means but they might get it a little — or a lot — wrong. The term "cisgender" was coined in 1994 by Dana Defosse, who at the time was a graduate student researching trans adolescent health and wrote a post using the term on the alt.transgender discussion board (Defosse currently works at a library developing health literacy programs). She came up with the term to fill a need for a word describing people who were not trans, so she borrowed terminology used in chemistry in which atoms positioned on the same side of a molecule are designated cis versus those on opposite sides of a molecule, which are designated trans (i.e., cis-trans isomerism). It was as simple as that. Defosse was just trying to find one word to conveniently distinguish non-trans people from trans people in a way that was not awkward for readers. As trans rights have come more and more to the forefront of public debate, the term cisgender has come under fire from both straight people and LGB people. The main objection is that they do not wish to be part of the trans nomenclature that includes such terms as well as the plethora of pronouns. It is, in essence, the fear of semantic infiltration. That is, the fear that those outside your demographic are forcing you to define yourself by their terms. The technique of semantic infiltration has been used historically in politics, such as the Russians inserting terms into debates with the West during the Cold War and then changing the usage of certain terms in order to present a more favorable opinion of their political views. The fear in the LGB and straight communities (not all people in these groups, but some) is that trans people are using words (and defining non-trans people with them) across the LGBTQIA spectrum to forcefully fit everyone into their paradigm so that trans people are not seen as "other." Also there is resentment that "normal" straight people or "normal" gay people do not need a new word to define them because they have been using "straight" or "gay" or "lesbian" for decades. The use of cisgender has hence become embroiled in the literal battle of words in our society. Defosse finally spoke out about this in a Huff Post article dated February 18, 2023, in which she wrote: "Although I’ve not yet experienced personal attacks for being associated with its creation, it is painful when people imply it was intended to hurt others. I never believed that adding the word to the lexicon caused problems ― it only revealed them." In other words, it's not the term that's the problem; the word just reveals the underlying social unrest more poignantly. Defosse continued: "It saddens me to hear that people feel harmed by the word cisgender. Is the creation of the word to blame? No. Cisgender is just a straw man. It is easier to attack a word than to address the reasons people feel intimidated by discussions of gender identity." I hope that answers your question. I recommend reading the entire Defosse letter for her full response. Bear Hugs Papabear (a cis gay bear) Dear Papabear,
Can I fursuit at theme parks? I'm thinking Busch Gardens. Tomax (age 13) * * * Hi, Tomax, Theme parks such as Disneyland and Busch Gardens do not allow people to wear costumes "for the safety of our guests." What this means is that there is a concern that people who show up at parks with their faces disguised behind masks could pose a danger to the public. For the same reason, you are not going to be allowed into a bank or a government building wearing a mask. Also, many parks (public and private) will not allow fursuits or other identity-concealing headwear. (In case you're wondering about Disney costumed characters, all of them are employed by Disneyland, so there is no concern there.) Before you plan to go to any public or private venue, always check with the organizers of the event to see what the dress code is. There are some exceptions to the above rule. For example, from what I've seen, a number of Renaissance Faires are fine with fursuits. So, if you have a Ren Faire near you this year, you might want to check that out, but Busch Gardens is a definite no-no. Thanks for your question! Papabear I hope this message finds you well, Papabear!
I'm Bulmuc, and I've been part of the furry community for almost four years now! It's been "pawsome" hanging out with everyone online, but lately, I've been thinking about taking things a step further and going to furmeets and conventions to meet other furries in person. The thing is, I'm just twelve, and I'm not entirely sure if it's okay or safe for me to do that. You know, I've heard some stories about younger furries feeling kinda odd or not really fitting in at these events, and it's making me a bit nervous. I really, really want to join in on all the exciting stuff, but I also want to make sure I'll be okay and not feel totally out of place. That's why I thought maybe you could help me out since you seem to know a lot about this kind of stuff. So, considering I'm almost hitting my fourth year as a furry, I'm wondering if there are specific rules or things I should be aware of before heading to furmeets and conventions at my age. Also, there was something that happened at the 2014 Midwest FurFest, they called it "chlorine con," and it's kinda worrying me. I'm scared something like that might happen again, especially at big events like that. I really, really want to go and meet new furry friends, but I want to make sure it's a safe and good thing for someone like me to do. I thought maybe you could give me some advice or let me know what I should keep in mind before I make any plans. Your help would mean so much to me, and it would make things a lot easier for me to understand. Thanks a bunch for listening, Papabear! I'm super excited to hear what you have to say. Take care, Bulmuc (Colorado, age 12) * * * Hi, Bulmuc, Judging by your letter, it sounds like your parents are cool with your being a furry and going to cons and meets, so that's pretty pawsome. Because you are underage, when it comes to cons you will have to be accompanied by a parent or guardian. This means they will need to be with you whenever you are in con space (I'm guessing you're considering DenFur, so I would visit their website to check about age policies). I hope you're okay with that. Most of the attendees will be in the 18-30 age range, so while they will be cool with you being there, it's not going to be any easier to mingle with them than it would be if you went to a high school dance and tried to ask a girl to dance. Age difference, doncha know. As for Furmeets, they can be even more clique-ish than cons. Contact the furmeet organizer(s), tell them who you are and your age, and see if they feel you would mix well with the attendees. Some furmeets are rather closed off to friends only, while others (Prancing Skiltaire is a primo example) are open to anyone. So, ask. You say that you have been fraternizing with young furries online for four years now. Do you know any of them who are going to a con or meet you are considering attending? it's always better to go to a furry event with people you already know. If you can't find any friends to go with you, another option is to start your own furmeet and invite guests to a party. You can do a game tournament or watch furry movies or maybe organize a trip to a local park. I hope this answers your question. If not, feel free to write again. Stay Furry! Papabear Dear Papabear:
I am in a bit of a pickle. I won't go into too much detail, but I have always identified strongly as female but with one big issue: this body is very much not. A while back I came to the sad realization that it can't be fixed (trust me, I've tried), and I just need to try to accept it as a harsh reality. In my efforts to do so, I created a new male fursona (a fancy cat who's a charming gentleman by day and a smooth criminal mastermind by night) designed to help me connect with and express it (I one day hope to have a fursuit, but it would have to be of THIS fursona for it to properly work with the body), but I honestly don't know how or where to even start (having of spent a few decades actively rejecting the idea). So my question is this: Do you have any advice on how I can use this new male fursona as a way to accept and enjoy the manhood that has been thrusted upon me? I know that this is a weird question and likely not one you're fully equipped to help with, but I figure I might as well try since I really don't have many places to turn to for this kind of thing. Thanks in advance, Confused Cat * * * Dear Confused, So, you are a male who identifies as female. At age 31 you should be old enough (past puberty and mentally mature) to come to terms with how you identify as a woman and not a man. In other words, you're trans. There is nothing wrong with this; it's just something you need to come to accept. Therefore, creating a male fursona in an effort to try to reconcile with "the manhood that has been thrusted upon" you is not going to work. Now, if you want to have a fursona (or fursonas) that are of different sexes and genders for the fun of experimentation and exploring your sexuality, there is nothing wrong with that at all. This can, in fact, prove quite useful and be a growing experience. But if you're just trying to deny you're trans, you're out of luck. Here is a very useful page that answers a lot of questions if you believe you are trans: https://www.pointofpride.org/blog/how-do-i-know-if-im-trans. Good luck! Papabear Dear Readers,
I'd like to begin this year, if you will indulge me, with a little editorial on my thoughts about the fandom and being a furry in general. This year, Papabear will turn 59, which is the age that my late husbear, Jim, died, so you might imagine this is cause for reflection for me. Also, I am trying very hard to finish my book about the furry fandom, so it is a year for a couple of milestones for me. SO MUCH has changed in the fandom since I began researching my book way back in 2015! SO MUCH has changed since I started this advice column in 2012! Heck, so much has changed in general. I'm also thinking a lot about what furry means to me and where the fandom is going. In human society (at least, in the American society with which I am intimately familiar), we go through the following stages in life:
The above is a generalization, of course, but it is the basic pattern I see in our society. But what if we refused to follow that pattern? What if, after figuring out what the world is about (e.g., being a nice little cog in the Wheel of Society), we reject this paradigm, skip Phase 2, fast-forward Phase 3, and enjoy the self-actualization of Phase 4 from our 20s all the way until death? That, for me, is what the furry fandom is about in many ways: exploring the TRUE YOU through imaginative play and creativity, free from all the constraints that enslave the unhappy throngs that imprison most of the population. When Jim was still alive, we would go to cons together (he wasn't a furry, but he was very supportive just like my current husband, Michael). I think it was at MFF (c. 2011, I believe) when he made an observation that struck me as quite perceptive. "Kevin," he said, "these furries are an awful lot like the hippies in the Sixties." In other words, this isn't just a fandom, it's a countercultural movement. Admittedly, there are a lot of furries who just indulge in the fandom for its shock value and for something to do because "they're bored." I've heard quite a few young people say that. They are the kind of furries who leave the fandom when they eventually buy into Phase 2. For the rest of us, furry is a way to shed all those expectations, requirements, judgments, and rules imposed upon us by society. Being an anthro is the overt way of expressing rebellion for human ways, but internally we are also searching for secret doors to passages that will allow us to escape the predetermined molds into which we are expected to fit. This is why it is ironic when certain furries try to impose rules designed to judge whether or not you are a "real furry." This is totally counter to the spirit of the fandom, which is iconoclastic at its very core. Some of these gatekeepers are from the Old Guard (furries who've been around 30-40 years or so) who don't like how the fandom has changed. Well, it's OK for it to change. If it didn't, it would become stagnant and soon die. Some of these gatekeepers are newer to the fandom, but they impose "rules" in order to set themselves up as the "real furries" who are in charge and get to tell others what is right or wrong about the fandom. They usually seek power and influence because they are trying to hide their own low self-esteem by putting others down. Don't listen to either group. What makes the furry fandom different from all other fandoms is that it is the members of this fandom who determine its nature, not some TV or movie franchise, not some corporate entity like Paramount or Lucas Films or Disney, and not even some nonprofit organization. No. WE make the fandom what it is today, and WE will make it what it will be tomorrow. No rules. Just play. Play is important. Don't disregard the value of play. Avoid the people who want to take the play away. Changes in the fandom are accelerating exponentially. We can look forward to many developments as the fandom continues to grow, gets influenced by outside cultural changes, and finds new opportunities for expression through advancing technologies. By 2034 it might not even be recognizable compared to 2024. I know it has changed considerably since 2014, so I expect even greater changes in another 10 years. Here's the point (in case you were wondering): If you came to the fandom as a way to escape the doldrums and judgment of mainstream society and better express yourself; if you came here to find furiends like yourself; then don't worry about whether or not you fit in and what rules you must follow. You DO fit in and there are NO RULES except the ones you write for yourself. This fandom is for YOU not some verkokte gatekeeper. Oh, and BUCKLE UP! The next 10 years are going to be a WILD RIDE! Happy New Year! Papabear |
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A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
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