Dear Papabear,

It's been a while since I wrote you. Thanks again for your patience with me back then. I still like to come back to your site since you always give great advice and things to think about. However in one of your last letters you said something that keeps bugging me:

http://www.askpapabear.com/letters/hes-frustrated-and-angered-by-humans
“I think that a lot of furries get it (which is why it bothers me that too many of them anesthetize their brains with obsessive game play; some gaming is fine, but too much is a trap and a waste of life, and it also plays into the hands of the corporations seeking to suck people dry of their money).”

While I'm pretty sure you didn't mean it like that, to me it sounds like you were trying to say: „I think video games serve no purpose and keep mankind from evolving.“ That's why I wanted to give my opinion on that topic.

Are video games a waste of time? Yes, they are. Just like watching football games, going to cons, playing board games, drawing/writing without charging any money or reading books without any productive content. While all of these things sure are fun and might bring people together (just like video games), they don't serve any actual purpose except to kill time and to escape reality. We humans simply have too much time to spend after all.

Video games CAN cause addiction, that is true, just like many other things. But the definition of video game addiction is still pretty vague. For example there are people who play four hours a day and are not classified as addicts. Most of those people have some other problems which they try to escape, but the games are not the source of these problems. If there were no video games in this world these people would find another way to anesthetize themselves.

Yes I know, there are always exceptions, but saying video games keep us from evolving is like saying shooter games are the cause of homicides (which has been disproved many times already, but people still tend to think so).

Are video games sucking people dry on their money? Unfortunately that has become very true over the last few years, many game companies have stopped caring about the quality and only care about the profit, especially companies like EA. That's why most of my video games are indie titles, games by people who actually work together with their communities and care about their work.

What do I personally think video games are? I think they are an art form. Many game publishers, especially the independent ones, have proven that games can be as a matter of fact very fine art. Just take a look at „The Vanishing of Ethan Carter“, a game of such visual beauty that most triple-A publisher couldn't even hope to achieve. Or „Cry of Fear“, a game created by a 12 years old game engine, yet much more atmospheric than any horror movie I've ever watched. Yet media still likes to shame video games for being evil, simply because they keep people from consuming 'normal' media. (For example, I haven't been watching TV for years now.) The law still refuses to acknowledge video games as an art form, which is why many movies, comics etc. get away with thinks that get heavily censored in video games. For example, I live in Germany, and while there are tons of sh**ty movies showing the Hakenkreuz, in every video game it get's censored.

In that letter of yours you said there will be some point in history where mankind needs to adopt to their natural roots. I totally agree with you on that, but that doesn't mean we will give up on most of our technical achievements. There are many new yet strange things that are still trying to fit into our society, and video games are sure to keep us company for a long time, AND to evolve with us, because they are our creations.

Some time ago I read an article about the military using video game simulations for actual war simulation. That actually made me hope that some day governments will start to realize their wars over political and ethical disagreements only cause the death to millions of innocent lives, and instead will solve their fights via CounterStrike or Battlefield. I know that sounds dumb at first, but imagine this:

Nation a) and Nation b) both want the control over a new discovered gold mine that lies exactly on their frontier.
Nation a): “That mine is ours! Prepare for war!”
Nation b): “Whoa whoa, wait! We are no barbarians, who are we to send our people to kill each other over our greed?”
Nation a): “You're right. Then we challenge you to a game of CounterStrike!”

And then their best players face each other on a neutral VAC-protected server.

Admin: “That's it, Team b) wins!”
Nation a): “Aaargh, they were totally cheating!”
Admin: “No, they were not! We checked.”
Nation a): “Okay, let's face it like gentlemen, you people won. Take the mine.”

Sounds funny? Yes, but I honestly hope that some day in the future we will achieve something like that. Video games are not our enemy, they are what we want them to be.

I know what you said in that letter was out of context, that's why I hope to hear your view on that subject.

Kind regards and best wishes! Oh, and to your husband too.
(Sorry for my grammar, I hope my letter is still readable)

Hyperion

* * *

Dear Hyperion,

Thank you for your letter, and I apologize if I wrote something that wasn’t clear. My position on video game play was, and is, and always has been, that playing games for recreation is fine, as long as it doesn’t dominate your life to the point of obsession. Play, as any psychologist will tell you, is healthy. It stimulates the mind and gives us a chance to relax from the daily stress of life, whether that is video gaming, watching a football game, or going to the theater. When does it become an addiction? You say there is no formal definition of that for video games, but actually there is: gaming becomes a problem when it interferes with your life and normal function in the world. I’ll give you an example. I attended Califur recently and met a friend of a friend there who said he refuses to play video games. When I asked him why, he explained that when he played his first game (I think it was Sonic), he sat down and played for 54 hours straight. When he finally set down the controller, he discovered that his job had called and fired him for not showing up. He felt he was too much of an addictive personality, therefore, to handle owning games. That is the perfect example of a problem. I have also known furries who obsess so much about games that they have a huge library of them and, meanwhile, neglect to pay bills or even eat. This is what I’m trying to warn people about.

Another clear sign of addiction is if there are withdrawal symptoms should the addicting behavior be taken away. There was a recent study, for example, in which college students were asked to not use their cell phones for a week. Some were okay with that, while others reported experiencing definite symptoms of withdrawal, such as anxiety, nervousness, and, of course, a strong desire to get the cell phone back. I myself must admit that I'm a bit addicted to checking my messages and chatting on my phone or on my computer.

In the letter to which you refer, I meant that playing video games for a big chunk of your life will mean you won’t have time to develop more important parts of your being, including the intellect and the spirit. When it comes to spiritual evolution, the question is this: at the end of your life, when you look back, will you consider your one chance to really live to have been well-spent if for most of the time you did nothing but play games, video or otherwise? Do you really believe we are put on Earth to press buttons and jerk joysticks frantically back and forth? Do we get a true sense of accomplishment from winning points on a screen or getting to the highest levels of an RPG?

To comment on other things you wrote: yes, the military does, indeed, use video games—primarily, my understanding is, they have one that is used for recruiting and aptitude testing. About video games and art: it might interest you that there have been exhibits at art museums celebrating video games as art, such as this http://americanart.si.edu/exhibitions/archive/2012/games/ and here http://www.movingimage.us/, so, actually, video gaming is considered by many to be an art form, and I don’t disagree with that.

As for the scenario about nations in the future battling it out on a screen: sounds nice, but I doubt that would ever happen. I’m reminded of the episode “A Taste of Armageddon” on the original Star Trek series in which two planets fought a war using computers. Whenever the simulation said that a populated area got hit, some people were declared dead and voluntarily killed themselves in disintegration machines. The idea was to have a war without destroying the culture, architecture, art, etc., of their civilizations, but people still died. Kirk quickly put an end to that (violating the Prime Directive, as he often did, the scamp), noting that war has to be ugly or else people get too used to it and it becomes an eternal state of conflict. Now, say we had something like what you suggest where the nations have a game brawl—the difference between this and the Star Trek episode is that people don’t die, which sounds better. So, the two countries have it out and one wins and the other loses. Guess what happens next? The country that loses says, “Okay, you win,” shakes hands, goes home, and launches a nuclear strike on the unsuspecting other country.

Human nature is too aggressive to agree to fight without actually hurting someone (especially when the ones making the decisions don’t have to go to the war themselves). Furthermore, war isn’t just about power; it has now become about money. America’s policy in recent decades to bomb countries in the Middle East and Asia is designed to make companies like Exxon and Halliburton rich, and any pretense that we are somehow “defending freedom” is utter baloney; playing a video game to solve a political conflict isn’t going to make any company rich and, therefore, won’t work. Much as we try to deny it, we are animals and, indeed, in many ways worse than animals. Perhaps, one day, we will be able to solve differences without bombs and guns, but if we do it would be more likely an exercise in diplomacy, rather than gaming. I, for one, believe that it would probably take a worldwide threat to make us all come together out of necessity, such as one sees in the movies Independence Day and the brilliant Watchmen. Even better would be if we did evolve into a much more spiritual state and gave up all the things that lead to war, including nationalism, religion, materialism, and general hubris.

Looking back over your letter, I didn’t really see a question, per se, so much as an objection to my original statement. I suppose the question was, “What is your full opinion about video gaming,” so there you have it. An interesting topic, and I bet we’ll hear more about it in the future.

Hugs,

Papabear

Hello Papabear,

I am close friends online with one of my friends, Cord, a rabbit. The both of us will sometimes talk about things, like our future in the fandom, our future mates, etc. Cord has been depressed lately due to loneliness and not having a mate. Having dealt with depression myself, I try to cheer him up, and let him know he isn't alone. He always says he feels fine, but I feel like he's saying that so not to worry me. He just recently told me that he has been drinking, at only 18 years of age. This worries me immensely, and, as a Christian, I often focus the majority of my prayer into helping him get better. He's an amazing person, and I don't want to lose him. Is there anything I can do or say to encourage him to stop??? 

Your friend, 

Beeter (age 18)

* * *

Dear Beeter,

Yes, there are things you can say to your friend Cord. But first, you need to have the full story, which I don’t feel I’m getting here (my bear instinct kicking in). You say Cord is depressed because he doesn’t have a girlfriend, so his solution is to start drinking? Lots of people don’t have girlfriends at 18 and they don’t turn to alcohol. Yes, being alone can suck, but he’s too young to throw up his hands and give up, and if he really wants to attract a girl, he ain’t gonna do it by being a drunk. Obviously, that just makes matters worse.

Might there be something else going on here? How’s his family life? School? Does he have any mental or emotional problems that need attention? All these things are important to find out. Your instinct that he’s hiding something when he says he feels fine is probably correct, and I don’t think his troubles begin and end with girlfriend issues and booze.

So, what do you say? First off, always acknowledge the other person’s pain; validate the fact that he is suffering and never dismiss his emotions like a high school coach telling an injured athlete to shake it off and do 10 laps. Avoid platitudes like “Everything will be okay” or “There’s a light at the end of the tunnel.” They don’t help.

Next, tell him, if you haven’t already, that you’re concerned about him, especially his drinking, but don’t use judgmental words such as “it’s a sin” or “underage drinking is illegal”; that’s not telling him something he doesn’t know or is aware that others will say. But note what I said above about drinking not being a solution but rather, indeed, something that will make his life worse—just as if he were taking drugs. In other words, phrase it in a way that you are concerned about his health, not his moral standards.

Then just start talking to him, trying to get him to open up. Ask him what’s going on in his life. How are his parents, siblings? School? Just talk. If you talk long enough and make him comfortable enough, I’ll bet you something will pop up in the conversation you didn’t know about him. You will know it when you hear it. Now, be careful not to instantly jump in with advice. If you do, he’ll get defensive and close up again, and it will be harder to have him open up the next time. Instead, keep talking around the issue and just listen to what he has to say. Continue in this manner over days or weeks, whatever is needed. Eventually, if things go well, he might ask you that key question, “What would you do if you were me?” And you say, “Well, if it were me, I would....”

This is a tricky dance you are conducting, and it takes a lot of patience. If you’re up for it, you will prove yourself a true blue friend.

Good luck, and bear hugs to you!

Papabear

* * *

Hello Papa Bear. 


This is Beeter again. First of all, I want to thank you for taking the time to read my letter and write me back, it means a lot. In response to your response, I have told my friend about my concern for him. Not just my concern, but the concern of another friend of ours. He says he appreciates our feelings, but "he's fine". You may very well be right about him hiding something, and I don't know what, but I will still be as good a friend to him as I can. I don't tell him things like "it's a sin" or whatnot. One of the main things I hate about Christians today is that they run around telling everyone "you're going to hell for this bla bla bla" It's total crap. As followers of Jesus, we should be spreading love, not hate. I try to simply ask him how he's feeling, and I try my best to cheer him up if he's feeling down. About the relationship thing, he's a very passionate floof, when I say he wants a guy in his life, I mean he REALLY wants a guy in his life. We often talk about our lives at home and school, and it almost always shifts to our futures in school, in the fandom, and most often our future mates. I don't know why, I guess we both just really crave love, you know? I will take your advice, and thank you again for replying to me. God bless you, and have an amazing day, buddy.

Your friend, Beeter.



* * *


Hi, Beeter,

Congrats on being what I would call a "true Christian" who is not the type to throw stones. Good for you!

You and your pal are very loving beings. That's wonderful :-) And I understand your need for love. If you don't mind indulging me, I would like to offer a bit more advice.

When we are desperate for love our desperation becomes very evident to the people around us. Did you know that humans, just like other animals, are capable of emitting pheromones? This can, on one hand, signal receptiveness to being a mate, but when one is desperate, anxious for love, it can actually drive potential mates away. The more desperate you become, the more repulsive you become--from a chemical point of view.

Therefore, the best advice I can give your friend is he needs to play it cool, chill, become more bear-like. He should then complement this strategy to make himself the most attractive potential mate possible. I don't mean physically attractive (except for the importance of good hygiene and grooming), but attractive as a person. Think of it this way: what is the better way to catch fish in a stream? Plunge into the stream, stomping about, clumsily grasping for the fish and they scatter? That is the strategy he has been attempting thus far. Or, is it better to create an attractive fishing lure, then drop it gently into the stream and attract the fish to you?

You're a good friend, Beeter. I'm glad your buddy has you in his life. Good luck to you both.

Papabear

Greetings, again,

I finally realized how wrong I was. I wasted my childhood viewing those stupid cartoons on television, and now look at me- I am stuck, mentally damaged, in a bipolar cycle of alternately loving and hating anthropomorphic characters. How criminal of me to have acquired a taste for them, when art and literature have always functioned well with plain humans! Something went wrong in my psycho-social development. Here comes the question of this form: How could I have been so deluded as to pursue "fun" and "fantasy" when I could have chosen a much better course in my life? I deserve the death penalty (though I am a coward) for giving decadent entertainment a presence in my life since childhood, and worse, I contaminated myself by imagining sexual scenarios with said monsters (that's what a human-animal hybrid would truly be, despite my brainwashing myself to believe the contrary). I blamed others (which is what you reminded me of- thank you very much for your wisdom), but in truth, I chose to make my imagination and thinking defective, and I became a horrible, detestable shell of a man- when I could have been a beautiful person. I'm one living example of how dangerous the constructs of the mind can be. Someone from my family should give me the brutal, merciless punishment I deserve. May I atone for my deviancy, and for denigrating the importance of the authentic human figure that has sustained any art worth its salt. May hatred and harsh judgment rain down on me for insouciantly ignoring personal responsibility. I give you my gratitude for your insights and kind disposition.


- the former Joaquin Claro

* * *

Dear Former Joaquin,

Your previous letter complained about furry art being of low quality, so I replied to that you should not be so harsh toward amateur artists who were simply drawing things they loved. From your new letter, however, I can see that your criticism of furry art was merely a cover for your own self-loathing—something I had no idea was happening to you. It was never my intention to make you feel bad about yourself, and if that is what I did, I truly apologize. You are clearly feeling guilty about liking furry art and, apparently, also being sexually aroused by it.

I would submit to you that your guilt and self-hatred is caused because you feel bad that your own preferences do not coincide with those of people around you—family, friends, colleagues. That you have this interest is in no way deserving of the death penalty! And it certainly isn’t “criminal” in any way. Please calm down and stop overreacting. Take a deep breath.

You say you are caught in a cycle of loving, then hating furry art. You love the furry art because that is simply something you enjoy; you then hate the furry art because society makes you feel guilty for liking it.

Like furry art is in no way responsible for whatever course your life has taken. Plenty of furry fans live peaceful, happy, productive lives because for them it is not about porn. I wonder, therefore, if your problem isn’t that you like furry art, but perhaps you allowed yourself to become obsessed by it. That is, addicted. As with an addiction to “normal” porn, or to things like gambling, alcohol, or drugs, an addiction can be quite damaging to your life.

If the problem, therefore, is that you are too obsessed with this art, you need to slowly reduce your time looking at it and reading about it. Then, substitute the furporn with G-rated furry art (there’s lots of it) or with other art that’s not furry.

While your two letters have been about adult furry art, I really believe that there is something else going on here in your life that you are not telling me, and that this is what is truly bothering you. Most likely, it has something to do with your family life as a child. There was likely something really bothering you as a kid, which led to an obsession with cartoons as escapism, and then, as you reached puberty, turned into a sexual aspect.

You have a lot of anger in you, which is sad. You are diverting that anger into furporn and blaming it for your problems. While addiction to porn is not a good thing, I think you need to look deeper into what is truly bothering you. Only then will you be able to overcome your anger and self-hatred. If you don’t mind my saying so, you might consider seeking some personal counseling to get at the heart of the matter.

I Wish You Well,

Papabear

[Note: this letter is a correspondence that occurred over a couple of days; it is quite long and deals with the subject of anal stretching, so this one isn't for the young furs. The letter writer wishes to be anonymous for obvious reasons.]

Furry:  I have a fetish that is harmful to myself and has already resulted in some damage. I have abstained from doing so for some time but I am still watching pornography that relates to it and I am worried I may succumb to my desires and become mutilated. Do you have a solution?

* * *

Papabear: It would help a lot if you could tell me what the fetish is.

Write soon.

Papabear

* * *

Furry:  I didn't think it necessary to specify. I apologize, but I find it hard to talk about. It seems to be a f****d up masochistic desire to have an extremely dilated anus and the insertion of any large object. This disturbs and repulses me and I haven't really acted on the feelings yet. It started in my youth, so the thoughts are hard to get rid of. I personally believe brutal electroshock therapy is the solution to this, but it's not legal to my knowledge anymore. Your thoughts, Papabear? 

* * *

Papabear: I'll answer in more detail soon, but, for now, my advice: hold off on that electroshock therapy. You're not as weird as you think you are. Many people fantasize about being penetrated by huge penises, and some even use huge toys that most people would consider monstrous (I know a guy who can stick a two-liter bottle of soda up his anus). 

Keep in mind the physical dangers of this fantasy being real, and we'll talk some more soon.

Papabear

* * *

Furry:  Your friend has mutilated himself and a fetish that results is such disfigurement is a negative thing in my eyes and as well as many psychiatric professionals. Insertion to the point of having a mail box for a anus or having to seal it with duck tape before you go to work in the morning requires a sick sick person but I'm not oppposed to someone doing what makes themselves happy. I'm absolutely for that freedom. 

Anyone could take a razor blade and cut off their lips and yank their teeth out to increase capacity to suck a horses member for example but would thinking that is a sane decision be normal? I have a dilemma and my state of mind is clearly unhealthy. bleeding, piles, fishers, prolapsed rectum, incomplete bowel movements, incontinence, bladder incontinence, weak bladder, possible infection of the colon, even the sphincter seems to prolapse on some people. And people encourage them. I cut myself sometimes. I find it relieving. I do it in moderation. I even sanitize the wounds afterwards, but I'm told that's a negative thing by most people; that strikes me rather odd.

Your friend is in a special place or deep down is ashamed of what he's done to himself. Thinking in purely logical terms, it seems wise to have some moderation I have seen enough videos on the Internet to see that these people are pretty relentless in their goals to insert large objects but don't seem to care that their anus looks like the Mariana Trench. Often young men, these people are going to have a lifetime of discomfort; this is an issue that needs to be addressed and I expect it's fairly common. Don't get me wrong, though; personally I love getting things inserted into my rectum, but people need moderation if maintaining continence is something they would like to keep. I know this is not a question, Papabear, but nothing bugs me more than this. What poses a person to be totally accepting of such extreme self-mutilation?

* * *

Papabear: I agree. As I mentioned in the earlier letter to you, you have to be aware of the physical dangers here. I didn't realize the extent of your fetish. For some people, putting a large dildo inside the anus is very extreme. If you're talking about putting such large things in there that you are destroying your body, then this is symptomatic of a mental disturbance that requires the treatment of a professional. Have you consulted a psychologist or psychiatrist?

My belief that your desire to stretch yourself out to the point of harm is that you are actually punishing yourself as a result of some kind of psychological trauma or a deep-seated psychological need. For instance, that friend I mentioned. When I asked him why he did that, he said he "liked to feel like I was being filled." I took this to mean he had a feeling of emptiness inside him. The guy craves love and has had no luck in that area. I think that if he found a faithful mate, he would stop doing it.

To understand why you desire to hurt yourself, I would need to know more about your past. There is something going on here that just treating the symptoms won't help. What was your childhood like? Did you ever face a serious emotional trauma? My guess--and correct me if I am wrong--is that you were raped analy at a very young age. And now you wish to punish yourself by torturing your anus because of the guilt you are feeling. But it could be a number of other things. Something else in your life that makes you both sexually aroused and desirous to punish yourself.

Do you feel comfortable telling me about this? If not (or even if you do), I would very much like to recommend you seek a professional counselor.

I'm sorry if my earlier response troubled you. Please know that I am in no way making light of your situation. I will try and help the best I can.

Papabear

* * *

Furry:  I was not raped from what I recall, but I am a masochist and I do feel the need to punish myself frequently. Your insight into the mind is impressive. I'm unsure why I have the need to or want to insert increasingly large things, but I only know that the sight or thought of it is the most arousing thing I think of. When I watch porn I don't watch it to see the people; I only watch videos mainly of people inserting things into their rectum. The larger it is the more arousing it is to me. When I'm done pawing I feel disgusted.

The first time I tried to insert something large in my childhood, or what was large to me at the time, was after seeing a horse with a massive erection while fishing. After that, it was a long-term fetish, I believe, but I'm unsure why. It's so intense to me. I have a number of other fetishes, even two paraphilias, but it's unrelenting and concerning me. I'm beginning to think I may accept it and not be ashamed of it, even though it's clearly wrong to do this to myself. I'm very conflicted, but I think fighting this urge is the right thing to do. 

* * *

Papabear: Yes, I encourage you to try to not harm yourself, of course. Understanding why you do this, though, is key. Extreme anal stretching can be seen as a form of masochism. It is theorized that masochism might arise for a number of causes: 1) as I suggested earlier, you may have been a victim (or even just an observer) of extreme inappropriate sexual behavior; this then becomes your model for such behavior and the only way you can be aroused; 2) you may have been prevented from practicing normal sexual behavior, and the result has been that you, needing some release of any kind, found an alternative way to express that need; 3) you are feeling disturbing emotions of anger, aggression, and guilt because of some other trauma, but these feelings are suppressed and then released in an inappropriate manner (similar to cutting oneself, which is complementary to your anal fetish, it seems); and 4) there is also a theory that people develop an array of different sado-masochistic behaviors because they never learned how to form healthy relationships with other people. 

While you can try to prevent the behavior by sheer force of will, still the best way to heal yourself is to get professional help. Your issue is an extreme form of a type of sexual addiction. You might, therefore, try Sexaholics Anonymous at http://www.sa.org/. Their website is excellent and helps you find meetings in your area or, if none are available, other ways to contact people and get the support you need for free.

I hope that helps. Write again if you have more questions.

* * *

Furry: Don't have a extremely dilated anus, but I have caused myself a rectal prolapse of which I'm waiting to be addressed by my county's NHS [National Health Service]. It's a discomfort daily. I must say thank you for your advice Papabear, but I mean to ask: I am attracted to humans; I think I'm bisexual with a strong leaning to the same sex. If I am attracted to a female emotionally it's because she's a tomboy, so that suggests I'm primarily homo-romantic, I believe. I haven't had a mate. I mainly RP and chat with a small group of furry friends on the Internet. I'm soon to move to live with my father for a while and I seem to have a unhealthy attachment to a stuffed animal Bolt. Specifically, I do so because I pretend he is my mate in some capacity and having him to hug provides instant comfort no matter how I feel. I fear without him I would suffer greatly. This may be discouraged or frowned on, but I'm going to do it anyway.

* * *

Papabear: Didn't mean to say you did have a stretched anus yet. If you're having trouble with a rectal prolapse at your age, then it sounds like you've already been doing a bit too much with your anus, though. Your bond with the Bolt plushie tells me you definitely have a hole in your heart that needs to be filled, and I strongly suspect this is connected to your fetish. I hope you do contact SA. As for the rest, was there a question there or were you just giving me more information?

* * *

Furry:  I don't know why I was taking like that I suppose I just actually can't get over the shame of what I have done to myself. It's killing me. 

* * *

Papabear: Have a look at this; perhaps it will help.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/7-steps-to-move-through-shame-fear-and-regret/

* * *

Furry:  Thank you Pbear, you are more helpful than I ever thought you would be.

* * *

Papabear: You're welcome! Please write again if you need to, any time. 

Hi Papabear,

I have a friend who sparked my interest in Furries in the first place, and much of the credit to who I am now goes to him. We were very good friends and eventually became long distance friends but emailed often up until I started college three years ago, when our letters became more sparse. I now live in Minnesota, close enough to visit him now though. Just recently Mr. Orca I'll call him, had just told me something that has both shattered me, and causes me to worry about him. Mr. Orca revealed that he had stopped believing in God, and on further inquiry I had found Mr. Orca a porn and alcohol addict, starting from about before I left for college. He had fought them for years until he gave in. The way he talks it feels like he knows that God is still true, but he doesn't want to face it because of who he is now. I was shattered as it was faith which largely brought us together as friends in the first place, and now I worry I won't see him make it to heaven. I'm also super depressed. I can't draw or write. I can hardly eat for these past two weeks. I can't stand the thought of loosing a friend forever. It's like he's still here, I can tell his heart is still good, but when I talk to him, it's a different orca. I need help getting myself back to normal, and I need advice to help my friend. He had joy and meaning before all of this, now he's caught up in pleasure and is unhappy all the time. He never seems happy like he used to be. I want to help him rekindle his faith again and walk out on these addictions, because I want him to be happy too, but I also know it is something he has to do for himself, I can ask, but not force him. I have already told him how I feel, and we agreed to continue as friends. Please help us. I don't know what to do besides pray. He may have changed, but Orca is still my friend, and I want him back.

J.D. Grimes the Otter

* * *

Hi, JD,

Could you tell me more about your friend? Under what circumstances did he start using drugs and alcohol? Does he have a troubled past? Is he or are you seeking therapy? As a religious person, have you sought out the advice of your pastor and, perhaps, how you can get your friend back to God?

Papabear

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My friend was once a strong example of faith and restraint. Orca got me interested in furry art and characters years ago and he encouraged me to draw and write. I enjoyed it so I chose to continue. That was about nine years ago. He never told me he was having struggles with furry porn. In fact I did to, but I got over it after much diligence and the thought of my friend. We both never knew about each others struggles until now. Orca said started with the porn three years ago but I don't know when the alcohol started but it came after the porn. I hope he is not using any other drugs, but he might. His problem seems to be related to escapism of some sort, wanting to be his fursona more than anything else in life. He struggled with his problems and stopped coming to church. I'm in a different congregation but of the same sect, so I had no idea he stopped going either. We kept in contact this whole time and I feel guilty I never told him of my struggles because perhaps things would be different now, or I could have helped him. The last straw for him was running into a group which smashed his intellectual conviction that God exists. 

As far as I know he never sought help or therapy and he doesn't want it right now. I feel like he said he stopped believing because he doesn't want to face the guilt, but I can tell he still hurts. He jokes about it but it's like he grimaces over what he's done. I forgive him already, but he's running away from God at the very moment he should be praying if he is real and for help. He has moments of pleasure, but no joy or lasting happiness anymore. It hurts to see him like this or that he will choose not to get to heaven. 

My support has been my pastor and a few other choice friends. He told me to find moments where it would be appropriate to tell my friend that God loves him. I'm trying, but I think I need to do more, I'm just lost.

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Hi, JD,

Your friend is displaying classic signs of addiction—in this case, porn addiction, and perhaps alcoholism. Because of his (and your) backgrounds in Faith, I can't think of a better organization than Alcoholics Anonymous for his alcohol problem, and there is a complementary organization called Sexaholics Anonymous for his sex addiction. As you might know, these organizations, while they don't put religion up front and in your face, are grounded in Christianity. You can use the websites to find meetings near you. Also, I noticed that SA helps not only with in-person meetings but also meetings via email and VoIP, which might make it a little easier for him.

I know he's resistant to treatment. Getting him to agree will take a lot of patience on your part. This page offers tips.

Talk more with your pastor to explore ways you can continue to encourage him to seek therapy. The above are good options for you, too, since you seem stressed about this, as well. Offering to be Orca's companion in this journey can help him a lot. If you go through it together, you can support each other, and call each other when you have weak moments.

Hope that helps!

Papabear

Dear PB, 

I've recently been suffering several deep bouts with depression, and I've taken to confiding in an older, long-distance friend who's given sagacious advice with my situation, but it's only been of limited help. 

I'm a young adult, and I'm still plagued with mood swings and all the troubles that brings, but the main source of my sadness is my family: specifically, my mother. She's a terrible alcoholic, and we've reached a point in our relationship where she only speaks to me to obtain money/transportation so she can purchase alcohol. When her ploys and manipulations don't work, she gets extremely upset and pesters me until her harassment wears me down enough for me to provide money or a ride. My toxic relationship with her doesn't bother me, but what does is the incredible guilt that I feel when she flees from my room in tears like a sobbing mess. She's had a terrible life, so I can justify her constant need for being in a drunken stupor so she can escape her problems, which makes it difficult to simply say "That's tough," and shrug my shoulders when she says it's not fair. Logically, I understand it's a simple guilt trap, but I just can't do anything while thinking that I'm being a bad son to my mother. 

So, in this constant war, I believe she's generally the winner, seeing as in 95% of our skirmishes, her fits end up getting her a trip to the liquor store and money for alcohol. A lovely cherry on the cake of our relationship is her being a horribly loud, offensive drunk who delights in insulting me. 

I've made plans to enter the military when I leave home so I can make a new start for myself, but that's a year from now, and I'd prefer to not wallow in despair until then. 

I've never been talented with compressing my troubles into small questions, so I apologize for that. I hope my letter isn't too difficult to wrench a question from, and if it is, I'd like to apologize once more. 

Thank you,
Jack (age 17)

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Dear Jack,

You don’t mention whether or not she has sought out help from a group such as Alcoholics Anonymous. If not, I strongly recommend it. It doesn’t have to be AA—there are other groups out there (see below)—but she needs more help than you can provide.

Not buying her booze is not being a bad son. You shouldn’t feel guilty about not supplying her with alcohol. It’s sad that she has had a rough life, but turning to addiction is not a solution. As you have seen, it only makes the problem worse. For one thing, it is adding to (if not the cause of) your depression. So, she is not only making her life worse, but yours as well.

It’s important to recognize that you are in no way to blame for your mother’s alcoholism. Do not feel guilty!!! Also, if she doesn’t get better, it is not your fault. She has to want to help herself because nobody else can make her recover but her. Stop helping her get booze and stop feeling bad when she cries because you didn’t buy her a fifth of scotch (a key is to always be consistent here; don’t buy her booze sometimes and not other times--never buy her booze because when you do you are just being an enabler). By giving into her bad behavior, you reinforce it. She knows it works 95% of the time, so she keeps doing it. I know it's hard, but do not give into her fits. If she gets violent, do not be afraid to call the police. In fact, tell her you will call the police if she becomes abusive in any way.

You do have to go out and make your own way in life, and joining the military might be one way to do it. I applaud you for taking some initiative to try to make your life better. In the meantime, however, please do try and get your mother some help if you can.

Some places you can call:

• American Addiction Centers: 855-803-1930, or go to http://hope.americanaddictioncenters.org/
• Drug Rehab.org (helps you locate a local counselor): 888-282-7124 or http://www.drug-rehab.org/
• Drug and Alcohol Rehab Services: 888-791-1371 or http://hope.drugandalcoholrehab.net/
• And, of course, Alcoholics Anonymous at www.aa.org.

I wish you and your mother the best.

Papabear

Dear Papa Bear,

First, I'm fully aware my grammar sucks, but at least, I have good spelling and thank you for your time :3

For a few months now, I've been thinking and bothered by a robbery that happened to me—or, more like who robbed me. I got back most of stuff (only missing three things), this happened in my home town; it's a small community, so it didn't take too long to find a few people to question, but while I was playing inspector, trying to find who did it, everything I found pointed to very close friend. Me and him were close, we have nicknames for each other (I was Chief and he was Apple). We always walked side-by-side, we know each other’s favorite color, we grew up with each other, we taught each to fight, we shared our money, we even showed each how to get in our homes, took each other to restaurants. We grew up in a bad environment (drugs, alcohol, bullies, etc.). We always told each other that one day, we would leave and find a better home. As we got older, my little brothers were born, which caused me to grow into a guardian-like personality (gay, straight, bi, I don't care, they're my brothers, and I'll protect them). My friend, on the other hand, gave in to the drugs and alcohol, and I never did. We became exact opposites, but our friendship never faded or weakened.

So I was very resistant to believe that he was the one to rob me. When I told my dad, who trusted Apple as much as me, of what, I've found, my dad was more than angry. My dad told me to strike Apple for stealing from me, or if I wanted my dad would hurt Apple for me. But I told my dad that I'd handle it. For the next few weeks my stuff would randomly appear by my window, which without a doubt confirmed it was Apple who stole from me (years ago, I told him, if he had anything for me, but I wasn't home, to just leave it by my window). I tried to confront him, but I could never find him, till one day another friend of ours got Apple to see me while I was doing yard work for my dad. We talked, and apparently Apple was drugged by his older brother (who was recently in jail) and tricked into robbing me. When the drugs started to wear off, and realized who he robbed, slowly he stole my stuff from his brother to return to me. He didn't want to see me till all my stuff was returned.

I told Apple that I'm very grateful that he was bringing back my stuff, but he should have told me. We could have gotten everything back together. He said he didn't want to get his brother in trouble (who's back in jail for stealing).

This is the only thing he has ever done wrong toward me. If I asked anyone else in real life they'd tell me to just hit him and carry on without him, I'm not sure, if I should forgive him and act like this never happened, or forget our friendship and continue my life without him? what would you do?

Hale (age 19, Alberta)

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Dear Hale,

Some people say that you should always forgive someone and turn the other cheek, no matter what. My philosophy is to take it on a case-by-case basis. There are certain parameters I use to decide whether or not to forgive someone, including:

1. Was the offense a one-time thing and not an example of a chronic behavior?
2. Was the offender somehow not in his or her right mind at the time?
3. Did the offender make amends?
4. Did the offender apologize for the offense?

A bad example of this comes from my husbear’s past. Yogi had a partner who was a crackhead. He started stealing and selling Yogi’s possessions to buy more drugs (fails test #1). Eventually, Yogi kicked him out of the house. Years later, this guy contacted Yogi again, asking to be friends again. He never apologized (fails test #4), nor did he offer to make financial amends for the thousands of dollars’ worth of stuff he took (fails #3). I imagine he failed #2 as well, since he was not high at the time he stole stuff because he was stealing in order to get high again. Yogi, basically, told him to piss off, and I agree with that decision. (Apple’s brother is likely stealing to pay for drugs, just as Yogi’s former mate was).

In your case, the answer to all the above questions is “yes.” This was the only time Apple stole from you; his mind was clouded by drugs; he returned the stolen items; and he apologized (correct?) I think we can both understand his behavior, and I believe the cause of it all is his brother. The solution offered by your father and some friends (to hit him and move on) is both unconstructive and ape-like in its lack of intelligence and compassion.

Hale, you should forgive Apple (at least for now), but that should not be the end of this story. Apple needs help. Now that you have forgiven him (or I hope you will), the next step is to be a true friend. You need to get Apple away from the bad influence of his brother, first and foremost. You also need to save him from a life of drugs and alcohol before he ends up like his brother. The theft he perpetrated is an alarm, a call to action that his problem is becoming worse.

To start, check out Alberta Health Services, or also Addiction Enders in Alberta, and see what you can do to find a rehab program for Apple.

It is time to be a real friend, Hale. Your friend needs you. His stealing from you should not be taken as a personal offense so much as a cry for help. You should help him while he is still your friend (which he showed by his behavior) because if you wait too long the drugs and alcohol will eventually rot his brain and change who he is. At that point, you are at risk of losing the person Apple really is forever. And that would be tragic.

I wish both of you luck. Please write again if you need further help.

Hugs,

Papabear